Leaving my 17 year old to work abroad

[Tola39321]

So...
I am a single mother of 2. I have a 17 year old son and 3 year old daughter. Both of my children's birthdays are next month.
We live in London. I have been doing very well in
profession and for the past 4 years I have provided my children with luxuries that most could only dream of.
I decided to invest a big chunk of money in the summer (which is doing well btw) but I cannot touch my profits for another year.
Long story short, I am broke! :( I have found it so difficult to find another contract and I have bills coming out of my ears. I have recently been offered an amazing contract in the middle East. Free accommodation, free schooling for my youngest child and an amazing salary. The contract is for 6 months and I can extend the contract if I desire.
My only reservation is leaving my DS behind. He is quite upset about me leaving him in the UK. He will be staying with his father. I have explained to him that with the money I am able to save, I can ensure he has everything he needs for university in September and My DD can go to private school. I feel retched about leaving him but I feel I have no choice. I will see DS every 6 weeks when I fly him out to the middle east or when I fly back to the UK. Nothing I do or say seems to cheer him up. Help!

If you are at peach with the decision why are you asking internet strangers if you are doing the right thing and then behaving aggressively when we disagree?

I find it hard to believe that he’s been accepted into 3 unis. My dd applied in October and has 4 offers but they are all conditional as are her friends offers, one of the unis she has applied for are not giving any offers until after the 26th (a Russel group uni).

I don't think he would bat an eyelid if his father was going. Lol! His father actually got a contract in 2020 to work in kenya. Covid ruined it for him.
I have spoiled him a little which is my fault. I think he feels the safety net is being pulled from underneath him which is understandable.

I think him having some independence from you and growing up is good. I think the timing is awful. I would hang on 6m, is that an option? Money wise it is OK, not broke in any sense. Your role during this yearnis still very important and you're clearly very close do don't minimise that role and what your support means.

Some people's lives are just bonkers!

It didn't take long for the posters who think that the minute a child turns 18 they become emotionally mature adults who can control their feelings.

In real life this just doesn't happen. 18 is just a number. The young person doesn't automatically become independent and resilient overnight.

We all want our DC to be mature, resilient and independent when they go to university, but it doesn't happen overnight, and abandoning your DC at a crucial time in their education when they are feeling most vulnerable won't help.

Either these posters have magical children who automatically change overnight on their 18th birthday or their DC haven't reached this stage in life yet.

I can assure you that they still need your support when older. DD has come home for a little TLC while writing her dissertation in her third year at university.

@Lovemusic33

I find it hard to believe that he’s been accepted into 3 unis. My dd applied in October and has 4 offers but they are all conditional as are her friends offers, one of the unis she has applied for are not giving any offers until after the 26th (a Russel group uni).

Your daughter and her classmates are the norm. You're right about the 26th, which made me wonder if the OP's son has got something wrong.

@Tola39321

Wish I could take him with me but he is doing his A levels. He has been accepted at a Russell group University! He has to focus on his studies

He isn't going to focus if he is upset and miserable anyway though.

Maybe his degree course can be deferred, if the whole situation is making him so sad that he needs therapy before it even starts.

I'm afraid this isn't something I could ever consider, even more so if my child was so miserable about it. I know someone, a mother, who did similar though not so far away - similar age too iirr. The child, now several years on and an adult with their own family, has never fully regained that relationship with her mother again. It's tainted the relationship and, now she has her own children, can't understand why her mum was happy to do it.

She will stay with her dad sometimes and with my sister.

I can understand why you may have switched dd and ds , for privacy reasons.

But what about the living arrangements?

Will your older child have a stable base or are they being shunted between two homes - their father and their aunt?

Moving between two houses, and not their main home, could be hugely unsettling. Even at 18y, and especially during an exam period.

This is not good.
Can he verbalise exactly how he's feeling. Ask him. Does he feel abandoned. He is very close to you but not to his dad?
He'll be doing mocks in February, exams in May and be finished in June. Presumably he is planning on flying straight out to you. When you count down the weeks, most of which he's going to be spending studying, it's not a lot. Ask him to show you his revision plan for the 5 months and break it down into chunks. work out when he could come, Easter?

@Tola39321

Why are people concerned though? Ignorance. Would they be concerned if I was moving to Wales? Nope.

Well, I'd still think it wasn't the right think to do if leaving your son behind was making him feel miserable and he was telling you he didn't want you to leave.

However, at least with that short a distance you'd be able to see him more frequently than once every 6 weeks.

You've made you mind up. The choice - and it is very much a choice - is made. You sin is unhappy with your choice. However, for your own reasons, you are happy to go ahead. The thread is pointless.

Surely there is more than 1 alternative? Going to Qatar and putting money above your son's feelings is not the only possible solution. You could get a job here that would tide you over AND enable you to support your son until he goes to university. Once he's at university, take your younger child to the ME - because that seems to be YOUR dream.
You tell us to not make assumptions but we can only reply based on what you tell us. You seem very money-focussed and impulsive. You want strangers on social media with partial information to validate your choice and agree that your son's needs don't matter as much as yours???
Providing material goods and luxuries and expensive items for your children isn't as good as understanding them; listening when they tell you how they feel; and giving them time, attention and emotional support. He doesn't want that stuff. He wants you.

Why are people concerned though? Ignorance?

No, experience.

How many times have you visited Qatar so far?

@Tola39321

They certainly do! My son has received an unconditional offer but maybe that's because his estimated grades are brilliant!

From UCAS

University of Warwick’s perspective on unconditional offers:
The University of Warwick will make unconditional offers only to those applicants who have already taken and achieved the qualifications necessary to meet the university’s entry
requirements prior to their application. The small number of 18 year olds who have received unconditional offers from the university are applicants who have moved more quickly
though the education system than their peers, and were already qualified at the point of application

@nyoman

My parents moved abroad when my brother was one week over 18. It was awful for him, complete removal of a safety net. TBF he was left on his own, not with his other parent. If he will live with his father, how much time has he spent living with his father for the past few years?

And I would never take a daughter to live in the ME.

You do have a choice. But you're choosing your profit over him. You could disinvest or sell some of those luxuries?
What line of work are you in? Lots and lots of recruitment going on at the moment.

Ffs. She's taking a 4 yo out to the middle East, for 6 months. Calm the fuck down. I lived in the middle East for 5 years, from age 3 to 8. It was a wonderful experience. And my parents were able to buy a house in the UK. And she's choosing profits to help her son through uni which long term is a great thing.

@Tola39321

I didn't think about it from the tax aspect of it. Yikes!! Thank you x

You may want to switch financial advisors - the in-house one you are currently using doesn’t seem very good.

@Mundra

How many times have you visited Qatar so far?

It’s only for six months. It’s not too bad a place for a little while. I wouldn’t want to live there forever, but it’s ok short term. (Although would be much better if you were there for their winter!)

It’s irrelevant what strangers on MN think. Your child has told you they are sad, in very clear words. You may try to backtrack now because you feel attacked but deep down, I think you know your kid is sad and you feel bad about it. So, nobody here can justify your behaviour and choices. It’s up to you and your family to consider what is best for you. Best of luck. I don’t think there are any easy answers.

Feel much sorrier for the 3 year old. total disruption their last year before starting school, too little to understand anything, older brother not there, change of home, change of presumably nursery, mother gone different hours. And then to have to do it all again in 6 months.

I can't forsee any circumstances in which I'd do this. You seem to be in quite different financial circumstances to me (with private schooling and investments). Yet have this short term cash flow issue which can only be solved by taking a job in the middle east just before your eldest dc's A-levels.

I would absolutely be prioritising stability for my dc at this stage over almost anything else. Looking to pull out of whatever investments I'd tied my money up in, sucking up the loss. Taking whatever contract role I could locally to tide me over in the short term, seeing if I could take a break on mortgage payments etc etc.

If the Middle East is somewhere I wanted to go for a time to earn money as I though that would be in mine and my family's interests, I'd be waiting until my eldest was settled at uni (by which I mean probably 2nd year or end of 1st year rather than this September!).

Covid also gives me cause for concern - travel is much trickier now than it has been for most of the last 10 years. It's not as easy to travel back at short notice.

Actually, there is lots of stability for my children. Both has trust funds which they can access when they are 21.

This is not the sort of stability pp's are talking a about

I think he feels the safety net is being pulled from underneath him which is understandable.

This is what they mean. His safety net IS being pulled from underneath him, that's exactly what is happening and at a crucial time.

OP you can't rely on the visitations either. I know the UK had just thrown all restrictions out the window but that's far from the case in other parts of the world and you could well find yourself stuck there or for him not to be able to come. How would he feel then?

I also don't think you're going to be as rolling in it as you think, as you said you hadn't even considered the fact that a 5/6 month contract won't give you the tax advantages you thought you were getting.

Your dc has an unconditional offer anyway and there are British schools in the Middle East. Have you offered coming with you as an option? It seems the most sensible one imo

Do your employer know that you are a single parent?
Married and divorced or not married at the birth?

Your dc has an unconditional offer anyway

Warwick only gives unconditional offers after A levels.

@RampantIvy

Your dc has an unconditional offer anyway

Warwick only gives unconditional offers after A levels.

Just going on what OP has claimed