Becoming parents without parents to help

[Aprilshowers91]

We are ttc now and excited to start our own family, but a worry that keeps coming up in conversation, is that we have no parents who will be able to help. My father is mentally ill, my mother is an alcoholic and was a horrible Mum so I wouldn’t want her around my kids. DP’s father passed away years ago and his mother is 74 and sadly has Parkinson’s.

My friends and colleagues who have children all seem to rely on their parents loads: 1-2 days a week free childcare, school pickups, evening babysitting, weekend trips and holidays, even financial help. And they still seem stressed all the time! I’m wondering how on earth we will cope with no family support at all. I don’t know any couples who don’t have help from the grandparents. My best friend is also ttc, her mother and MIL are under 60, retired and have told her they can’t wait to look after future grandchildren.

I’m feeling really anxious about this to be honest, like our life will be harder than theirs and it will disadvantage our future children. There must be loads of Mums in a similar position and I just don’t know anyone, can anyone offer any words of encouragement?

My dcs are in their 20s now. We had no grandparents or indeed any family...and we managed! I met friends at toddler groups....we used to swop dcs for an afternoon to get a break. Used a local teenager for evening babysitting.
No holidays till eldest was 5.
We managed!!!

We don't have parental help due to distance tbh it makes us a really strong unit!
We work closely as a team between my DH and I often tag teaming so each one gets a rest and we each have our strong points my DH is best in the mornings I am better in the evening.

We use nursery for childcare although expensive my DS absolutely loves it!
Holidays we have together as a family and the rare occasion that we have a night out together our friends are happy to babysit as its once in a blue moon!

You will meet many more parents who are exactly the same, I don't think it disadvantages children. My son loves his grandparents but he sees them about twice a year.

You will be fine. I had no family to help and was a single working parent from when my child was 9 months old.

Our children are 7 and 4 and we don't have any help from family. We moved to a new area when pregnant so I made a huge effort to do local baby groups to make friends which helped and it's good to know someone will step in if needed (helped with childcare when second baby was born etc).

You need to be organised and make sure both parents chip in with drop offs, holiday cover and sickness. We shuffled our jobs a bit so we don't need to use wraparound care but it can be all consuming.

Another one here with no help due to distance. You can manage! It's more expensive & less ideal, but perfectly doable.

You can either pay for babysitters or set up reciprocal arrangements with other parents, my kids went to nursery while we were at work, which worked fine.

You won't be the only ones in this situation.

It’s absolutely doable. You will feel moments of extreme jealousy towards friends who have parents who can drop everything to help at a moment’s notice and who are always nipping off for a weekend away together as a result, but it’s absolutely doable.

I’m an immigrant and my parents are two long flights away. (They look after my brothers’ children regularly.) My in laws are 3-4 hours away and the one time we asked for help when DS1 was little - we were really, really stuck - they politely declined as they didn’t want to/it was too much hassle.

Kids are 10 and 6 now. We live in London with long commutes pre-Covid and honestly, it’s been manageable. Really hard sometimes, but fine.

You can build your own ‘family’ of people in a similar situation to trade favours with - emergency pickup when your train is delayed, reciprocal babysitting, etc.

I’d choose a nursery over a childminder if you can, purely from a reliability point of view. We were lucky to have an amazing nursery for our kids and some of the staff still do babysitting for us.

We now each WFH 3 days a week and it’s had a transformative impact on our lives - no breakfast club, kids home an hour earlier from after school and we can fit in a lot of activities for them that weren’t possible before. So do look at the flexibility of your work if you can.

I won’t lie, it’s hard sometimes. But we are a tight, independent little unit and we’ve got each other’s backs.

We have no parents to help either because of distance and age and we managed fine - same as ScottishSkiFun I think it has made us a stronger unit as a family.

Everyone is different, but I really had to roll my eyes once when a friend was moaning that her Mum was no longer available as much to help her as her brother had also had a baby.

I have two dds and no family help as such - DPs parents both died when he was young and my parents live miles away and are pretty hands off anyway. I'm not saying it's easy, but it can be done.

One of the positives is everyone I know who had family providing childcare had issues with them not always following parent's wishes - e.g. feeding chocolate, too much screen time,weaning early, giving ebf baby formula in one case. Always made me glad we didn't have family childcare - at least if I had an issue with nursery or the CM I could say it without causing ww3 and they had to listen to me.

Maybe you have to be more organised, and yes it costs more. But I think the stresses you get from having no family help are balanced out by the stresses you don't have to deal with.

Best of luck with the ttc

Totally can be done!
My parents are on the other side of the world (I emigrated) and whilst I speak to them frequently on Skype I don’t get to see them very often (or at all in the last bloody 2 years).
My DH is totally NC with his dad and a very difficult relationship with his mum, so no help there from either of them.
To be honest we’ve found it HARD at times, but we knew what we were getting into before we started. It really would be SO nice to be able to have mum or dad help out occasionally, especially when you just feel tired and worn out.
I do feel a little jealous of people who have family support- especially when they don’t seem appreciate just how much help their parents are providing!

We didn’t have any ‘in person’ parental help for our first year as parents, mainly due to distance but also Covid. It’s been tough but fine. We’ve had a few presents from my parents so a bit of financial help (and we are lucky that I know if we were stuck financially they would offer a helping hand). I think that if you have a supportive partner it will be ok. Good to plan though - so save up now as much as you can, and find out about childcare costs in your area. In our area they are huge! It came as a bit of a shock. We will manage but it was a shock. Also think about what you will do if baby is in nursery but gets sick - do you or partner have a flexible job? How easy is it to take time off at short notice? How will you manage the drop offs and pick ups? Can you change your working hours? It’s all quite dependent on your circumstances. I buried my head in the sand a bit initially re childcare but it’s good to make a plan as early as possible, and mad though it seems lots of people in our area view nurseries while pregnant and get on the waiting lists before baby even born. We didn’t, but I wish we had! So much to think about but I’m sure it will be ok. Good luck.xx

We have a child and no family support. Our siblings in the meantime live near family and strongly rely on family for childcare etc.

Yes, it's more difficult. Yes it costs you a hell of a lot in childcare expenses. But you know what nobody else gets to take credit for your child, have a say on their upbringing and there is none of the emotional cost / debt that comes with people doing you a massive favour. I much much prefer it this way.

We don’t live near either sets of grandparents. We’ve both worked FT (me PT in later years) it’s been a juggle! We used the nursery staff to help with babysitting when younger and we had to attend school meetings etc
It’s been expensive!
It’s ok - the children have a good relationship with all grandparents (they closer to the ones who also make an effort to come to our house occasionally to visit rather than the grandparents that won’t and we where expected to always go to theirs!)
The only really difficult time was when my child got chicken pox I had to ask my Dad to come up (he works shift work so was able to help) for two days as husband was away and I needed help! Other than that husband and I have worked as a team - my husband shared all the drop off/pick ups/sick days etc make sure they don’t all fall on you to cover.

Mine are 4 and 6 and we have no help due to distance and lack of interest.
I became a sahm because there wasn't much else we could do, which felt quite suffocating initial but once I built up some friends with children it became easier with reciprocal playdates.

I do get envious of friends with help, they really don't seem to understand that I don't have that. DH and I haven't been out for dinner together alone for 2 years and we are still waiting for a chance to go on honeymoon, it is a bit shit sometimes.

That said, it's totally worth it. I love my children in a way I never felt as a child. DH and I are a really strong team and we enjoy spending time together, alone or with the children.

I am starting my first post-children job this year, but I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do for childcare for the holidays - where we live there are very limited options of professional care and no teenagers keen to earn some cash over the holidays so I'm watching for suggestions your post!

When my children were young no one in my circle had any parental help. All had either stayed there after uni or moved there for work, as my children got older that was still the norm, ime it's people who haven't gone away to uni or changed jobs for moving up who tend to live where they grew up with parents near by.

People use nurseries, child minders, flexible working, friends it's very doable in fact probably a plus from covid in that a lot of employers are more open to flexible working now

Ours are teens now and we had no help either. Both elderly and in laws lived over 3 hours away and mine although elderly basically brought up my niece as my sis had PND.

It was hard especially at times as we had two children very close together. No weekends or weeks away for us etc. The first time mum group was a lifeline and we were out everyday when they were babies (housework suffered but I prioritised the kids happiness and my sanity over this). Two women across the road had babies at a similar time to me and it was sad watching their parents go round most days to see their DC and help out whilst I had long days on my own however poorly or stressed I might be feeling.
Nights out were extremely rare but we did trust a girl from Nursery and she occasionally babysat. We had date nights in once a week with one baby but when number two arrived 13 months later they went out of the window. Life was tiring, fast paced and sometimes fun (lots of lovely photos to prove this but at time parts of it were stressful and a blur). DH worked full time and I worked part time it is doable but hard. On the plus side we took our DC out for meals to restaurants when they were days old so they always knew how to behave and we received lots of praise and compliments from restaurant managers and other guests over the years about how well mannered and well behaved our children were in restaurants as we talked to them and got them to order their own food and say please and thank you from an early age as we never used ipads to babysit them.

Yes it was hard. Did I regret it. In all honesty some days yes I did but looking back and in the main definitely not in-fact I miss those days now they are teens and need me less and less.

I am always a bit taken aback at how widespread the assumption is on Mn that people are likely to live close enough to their parents to rely on them for childcare, and that the parents are likely to be ok with devoting themselves to proving free childcare for grandchildren. Almost everyone I know lives long distances, often in other countries, to their parents, and doesn’t bewail it, because it feels so common. We had DS in another country to where all our families live, and paid for every minute of childcare he ever had. It was fine.

I think the only time it felt like a disadvantage was when we lived in a village where, because people seemed to only move very locally, paid nighttime babysitting was almost impossible to find, as the ‘culture’ was one of family members doing it for free (and the big services like sitters.co.uk didn’t cover the area.)

It’s absolutely doable, although you will find yourself paying for more (childminders, wrap around clubs, holiday clubs, babysitters etc.) but the advantage of that is you don’t have to negotiate with anyone and can book the times you want.

The hardest bit I’ve found is when you see other people sending their kids off to family regularly for sleep overs or whole weekends; I don’t mind admitting I’m badly envious of that kind of regular break from parenting! I went part time after I had dd and used to take annual leave on her childminder days occasionally and still do now she’s at school whereas I have friends who wouldn’t even consider doing that but they get the kind of regular breaks I described from their parents/family. You might find you don’t need that though, everyone is different.

We have no family support and it’s been from day 1. As others have said, we manage just fine. I do get a bit jealous when people go out (pre-covid) for regular date nights as we have never had a night out free from DC since they were born. Once they start school it gets a bit easier.

@Nathlash I have two primary aged children and live in a large village in a fairly rural county. The vast majority of people here have support from family ranging from grandparents doing all school runs/ after school care to living nearby and will babysit occasionally and support in an emergency. Many went away to university and then moved back home. We only moved here in our 30s and the people like us without any family supporting nearby are in the minority.

It is probably dependent on where you live. Out of my university group of friends (6 of us) 3 moved back near family who are heavily involved in childcare.

I did not know it was a thing to automatically expect help from family with children. I never had it, never thought about it and just got on with bringing up my own children and living life.

Another who managed without.
I won’t lie it’s hard. And you will feel jealous of these grandparents who want to be involved. But you get on with it. You know never to rely on anyone so get your routine and backup plans water tight. I took a step back from my big career to do it, which long term was a massive mistake. Although I’m not sure what the alternative would have been. But you’ll find a way to make it work.

[quote NerrSnerr]@Nathlash I have two primary aged children and live in a large village in a fairly rural county. The vast majority of people here have support from family ranging from grandparents doing all school runs/ after school care to living nearby and will babysit occasionally and support in an emergency. Many went away to university and then moved back home. We only moved here in our 30s and the people like us without any family supporting nearby are in the minority.

It is probably dependent on where you live. Out of my university group of friends (6 of us) 3 moved back near family who are heavily involved in childcare. [/quote]
Well, yes, when we spent a few years living in a place that sounds rather like your current home was the only time we really encountered that as a norm (we’ve moved around a lot) — it was also the only time it was a (minor) disadvantage because there was no local culture of reliable teenagers available to babysit at night, or babysitting circle swaps because the default was to use family.

@Nathlash ime it’s not just a MN thing, I know one other mum (single) who doesn’t have family nearby or even further afield to help out regularly. We’re the odd ones out in our circle.

DH and I didn't have any help emotionally or practically at all (sorry, DHs parents did have ds one afternoon/night when DH actually begged them, but not another hour or even coming on days out with us). My mums dementia was diagnosed when ds was 1 so I was not even getting support not in person there, quite the opposite.
We have both worked FT, used nursery and paid babysitters then holiday clubs and PGL holidays when ds was older. Its been hard because there was no one to call in an emergency more than anything. But between me and DH we have pulled together and found ways to make it work, and now ds is 15 we are nearly there in terms of worrying about childcare.

One set of parents live abroad, the other a few hundred miles away. We managed and manage. If you've never had it you don't miss it. Plus less family drama!