Becoming parents without parents to help

[Aprilshowers91]

We are ttc now and excited to start our own family, but a worry that keeps coming up in conversation, is that we have no parents who will be able to help. My father is mentally ill, my mother is an alcoholic and was a horrible Mum so I wouldn’t want her around my kids. DP’s father passed away years ago and his mother is 74 and sadly has Parkinson’s.

My friends and colleagues who have children all seem to rely on their parents loads: 1-2 days a week free childcare, school pickups, evening babysitting, weekend trips and holidays, even financial help. And they still seem stressed all the time! I’m wondering how on earth we will cope with no family support at all. I don’t know any couples who don’t have help from the grandparents. My best friend is also ttc, her mother and MIL are under 60, retired and have told her they can’t wait to look after future grandchildren.

I’m feeling really anxious about this to be honest, like our life will be harder than theirs and it will disadvantage our future children. There must be loads of Mums in a similar position and I just don’t know anyone, can anyone offer any words of encouragement?

No parents to help either - mine were well into their 70s and lived abroad (as did my sisters) and my in laws were not interested in that kind of involvement. My husband also passed away when the kids were 4 and 6. You do it because you must - in fact I'm trying to think of any friends who had any significant help from their parents and other than the odd night babysitting can't recall any. I do know people who have a lot of help, and how lucky they are, not least because the grandparent to child relationship can be truly special, but many don't.

As you say, It will be harder. But doesn't seem like you have any other option so you'll make it work. Plenty of people don't have help from grandparents.

It will be an extra expense and might not be as flexible. Close friendships with other parents could be mutually beneficial, I know a few mums with no family support and have been there for them in emergency or tricky situations over the years.

I'm really close to mum and honestly she very very very rarely babysit for us. Maybe twice a year and no one else does either. I wouldn't ask any of dps family and my dad couldn't cope with it.

I think that even if you do have family nearby to help, you should go in with the mindset that you will be bringing up your children on your own . You never know what’s going to happen- family illness, fallings out , moving away etc.

Get good childcare in place early, I put dc name down for nursery when pregnant and for a local childminder who did wrap around and school holidays when dc was 3, so spent a year paying for cm when dc were at pre-school nursery. All grandparents deceased and father had no contact for several years when he started contact I continued to pay CM during his contact ( he was unreliable, eventually overdosed). Good childcare absolutely vital but your dc have 2 parents, so very doable but a slog - in your place 1 or 2dc would be my limit

Family support must be lovely. But it's not essential. You children will have a different experience, but why should you think they will be missing out ?

I agree with what has been posted by others. We had no help from grandparents due to distance. But you make it work, being flexible. We didn't really have access to babysitters either so very rarely went out as a couple when the kids were young ( they are teenagers now), even parent evenings involved taking them along or only one parent going. You will feel envious sometimes hearing others having weekends away but actually I wouldn't necessarily wAnt to go away without them we have a good time as a family. I knew someone who used to drop the kids at grandparents so they could clean the house!! I, like many others, had to do the best I could around the children but you know it was all fine.

We live 2.5 hours away from our DPs (DPs and DPILs live 20 minutes apart).

Dd is now 16.

We put her in paid crèche near work at 4 months as that was all the mat leave available at the time. So she commuted in with DH and home with me generally for 4.5 years.

We put her in afterschool club when she went to primary school, DH tended to drop her to school and I'd collect from afterschool. We had an au pair for 3.5 years when DH was away 50% for work (2 weeks working in South Africa, 2 weeks working here, on rotation) during the last recession.

In the course of that time, we have probably had 8 weekends where dd stayed with DPILs and we were able to go away. And it hasn't happened at all since DFIL died 5 years ago.

We are just used to being organised, paying for childcare, paying local teens for babysitting, and getting on with it.

No family here either, I’m a single parent of 3. It’s much harder, without a doubt. I’m far more stressed and have far less disposable income than my friends who have even one set of Grandparents to help; a few have two sets!

I didn’t have any help from parents, I cracked on with it.

Our children are 4 years and 18 months. My parents have only looked after our 4 year old 3 times: once so I could go to the dentist, once so I could have my partner there for our daughter's birth, and once so we could register her birth (children weren't allowed in due to covid regulations). My partner is not a UK National so there is no help from his side either.

That isn't because they don't want to and it isn't because I don't trust them to take care of our kids. We visit my parents most weekends (they do live a couple of hours' drive away).

I have seen them be pushed to look after my siblings children beyond their comfort zone, and at one point being pressured to provide childcare while they work. I don't think that's fair and decided a long time ago that when I had kids, I wouldn't place them in that situation unless it was an emergency. They aren't young grandparents and they were being run ragged. I don't really see the need - they are both in nursery and most things can be organised while they are there.

As you can see, the odd thing pops up, but we've managed it fine. You will be ok - don't let that put you off.

We are in your situation (my parents are dead; PIL are 200+ miles away) and it is doable, but it’s hard. The main issue is having no one to help out in emergencies. Right now DH and I are both ill with Covid, and it is a real struggle to look after DD (age 6) - we have been taking turns to rest/ look after her, and she’s having lots of screen time. I know that if we lived near PIL they could help us out (as they do for BIL & SIL).

Another thing to note is that while lots of people have suggested making mum friends and swopping babysitting, I’ve found that a lot of the other mums I’ve met had family nearby so they didn’t need this kind of help, and it feels very awkward asking for favours when you can’t really reciprocate. We’ve also struggled finding paid babysitters (no friends with teenagers yet).

In terms of childcare, you’ll need to find a reliable nursery or childminder, and looking ahead to school, find a school with before and after school care, and holiday clubs. We’ve both got flexible jobs so can split the drop offs/ pick ups/ ill child between us, which helps.

It's definitely not essential. I have 2 dc and although I'm close to my family, they would never babysit. It's just not their thing and that's fine. In laws live in another country.

I think many, maybe most people are in this situation, so don't get caught up thinking everyone has babysitting on tap or get jealous thinking about it, or worried. It's totally normal.

My tip is pay for a babysitter. I know it's a cost but for example pp who said she hasn't been out for 2 years - save up and choose a low cost or free activity for date, and you would have been able to go out at least once in that time.

I'm not going to pretend it'll be easy, it won't.

But do you have other family or close friends? You do need a network.

Can you afford to pay for help?

We lived in a different country with 4 kids under 5, no help but mega supportive husband

It’s absolutely doable. You will feel moments of extreme jealousy towards friends who have parents who can drop everything to help at a moment’s notice and who are always nipping off for a weekend away together as a result, but it’s absolutely doable.

😂 this! I've got no family and so have never had any help from them. It used to make me green with envy when my friends told me about weekends laid on the sofa watching Netflix because the GPs had taken the kids out, or going away for the weekend while the kids stayed with GPs, it's obviously relentless when you have no family help.

We did find a lovely nursery for our kids, and I made a massive effort with other parents there, often in the same boat as us, so that over the years we've built up relationships with friends who now feel like family - who we can turn to in an emergency for example.

You will be fine. We have no parental help with our children it means that we have to plan our lives around things that everyone in the family can do together. We also make sure we get time off to pursue our individual interests so the other parent will manage the children alone.

*I'm not going to pretend it'll be easy, it won't.

But do you have other family or close friends? You do need a network.

Can you afford to pay for help?*

Are you actually in this situation yourself? Because, so long as both the partners do their bit, we found it very easy indeed with zero babysitting support, with just a handful of instances where we were in a pinch. It is very manageable. You just have to have realistic expectations.

I have a 7year old DD. I don't have any family or any help. It's sad sometimes when I see hands on grandma's etc but mostly it's fine and not something I think about.

We had no help due to age and location. It was fine, when we finally found a babysitter we trusted (a preschool teacher). The most obvious difference between us and peers that did have help is the financial impact of paying for 2 kids to have childminding fees and the wrap around care - I think we spent about £150k- £200k more than those that had family support in total for the 10 years it was needed . It was obvious at the time as others had fancier cars/holidays/days out/clothes…

I won't lie it's quite difficult. Basically just be prepared to pay for all childcare.

I did try using friends to babysit a few times but could never reciprocate as they all had family to help so preferred to stick to paid babysitters. When you are paying £40 to go out it really makes you think about which things are worth it!

Realistically dh and I went out a lot separately and only one of us went to child free weddings depending on whose friend was inviting.

Dh and I haven't had a night without the kids since they were born. They are now 17 & 14 so we could do it now and leave them home but don't really want to anymore as don't feel like we need a break from them anymore but I would have killed for a child free night when they were both pre school age!

However we do have loads of friends who have gladly helped out in emergencies.

We're NC with my parents and my PIL live abroad, so no family help. DP grew up with very hands-on grandparents just down the road, so did have some worries about how we'd manage without. I grew up hundreds of miles from my grandparents, so to me that just seemed like the 'norm'.

Sometimes emotionally I do find it a little tricky, seeing the close relationship that PIL have with my nieces and nephews who live near them. But on the practical side, it's fine. DS goes to nursery, and a friend's teenage daughter has babysat for us a few times.

It's perfectly possible but you will likely grow to hate those parents with family help who still moan it's too hard

Of course it's doable ... I never assumed I would get help from my DPs or ILs ... we all live miles apart. I find it odd that people assume they will have help & I sincerely hope that my DS doesn't assume I will become a child minder for any possible future DGC. I don't expect him to stay inte same home town in the future ..
In fact I am hoping to move away myself when I retire.