Becoming parents without parents to help

[Aprilshowers91]

We are ttc now and excited to start our own family, but a worry that keeps coming up in conversation, is that we have no parents who will be able to help. My father is mentally ill, my mother is an alcoholic and was a horrible Mum so I wouldn’t want her around my kids. DP’s father passed away years ago and his mother is 74 and sadly has Parkinson’s.

My friends and colleagues who have children all seem to rely on their parents loads: 1-2 days a week free childcare, school pickups, evening babysitting, weekend trips and holidays, even financial help. And they still seem stressed all the time! I’m wondering how on earth we will cope with no family support at all. I don’t know any couples who don’t have help from the grandparents. My best friend is also ttc, her mother and MIL are under 60, retired and have told her they can’t wait to look after future grandchildren.

I’m feeling really anxious about this to be honest, like our life will be harder than theirs and it will disadvantage our future children. There must be loads of Mums in a similar position and I just don’t know anyone, can anyone offer any words of encouragement?

We managed fine. Used nursery, and nursery staff as babysitters and later on the daughter of a friend. My mum is dead and my DD and PILs lived miles away and still worked. When they visited it was more work for us, not less.

[quote LivesinLondon2000]@RebeccaNoodles
Yes it might look like a magical grandparent relationship from a distance but up close, it may well be far from perfect.
You can’t necessarily have the same input over what your parents do the way you would a childminder as you’re not paying for the service. I’ve seen plenty of frustration over grandparents feeding the kids loads of sweets, unlimited screen time etc etc but the parent feeling unable to say anything. So yes you might get more help but there can be strings attached. I also feel grandparents moving close by just to provide childcare could be a sign of generally controlling behaviour and being unwilling to let their adult children get on with things. E.g. I had a few friends at university whose parents bought them a house to live in as they didn’t want them house sharing. They made out it was just being generous but it often looked more like they were unwilling to let their child be fully independent. It was interesting that these were the grandparents who also ensured they lived close by when grandkids arrived - and it felt like a continuation of the control. I know from talking to those friends that the relationship has not always been a bed of roses in one case even causing a relationship break up.

Just to provide some balance to the argument and ,whilst I’m sure there are plenty of great grandparent relationships, to demonstrate that things are not always what they seem!![/quote]
Yes, that's what I meant by 'nothing is perfect' - the 'magical' was intended as irony but that obviously wasn't clear. It's complicated. Obviously things aren't always as rosy as they seem.

But in saying that, there are positive GP relationships out there that my DC will never have, or the OP's by the sounds of it, so acknowledging the absence or loss of that grandparent relationship was something that helped me and might help OP too. (Or not!)

We have zero family support, my parents live 90 minutes away. My DP works 9-5 mon-fri and I work shifts (3 or 4 long days). My DP does nursery pick up and drop off when I'm at work and my DS has a flexi place a nursery so he can go any two days a week depending on my shifts if I tell them 4 weeks in advance. I work a lot of weekends to get my hours in to be able to get by with just 2 days nursery and Its actually not too bad. It would be nice to have a grandparent nearby to watch him while I nip to the shops or have an evening out with DP though

I've just RTFT. I saw someone picked me up on my comment of saying it's fine, and that in their experience it isn't fine and their quality of life has suffered.

I think this, and the rest of this thread, really highlights how individual everyone's experience is. It's not a simple case of family help = easy life, no family help = hard life.

We have no family help at all, but I am really lucky to have made a good network of friends who are in a similar position to me - family overseas, partner working very busy shift job and being away a lot. So if there's a childcare emergency there are reliable, trustworthy friends I can call, and they can call me. We all probably go above and beyond what a friend would normally do because we all know how it is to have no family to call.

I also have a DH who is a really enthusiastic dad. He works away a lot and does antisocial shifts BUT when he is home he doesn't need me to tell him to get stuck in. He's already planned a load of stuff he wants to do with the kids because he's missed them and is desperate to spend time with them. It's no problem for me to go out for drinks with my friends one night, or head out for a haircut or some shopping on my own for a few hours.

Also, if we want to go out for dinner/cinema etc, we can afford a babysitter. She charges $20 a hour and she's very capable.

Perhaps these circumstances explain why I don't feel like I particularly miss that parental help. To be honest, I don't think I'd like my parents or my MIL living around the corner and interfering in everything. I'm not used to it.

(Distance )
Put aside money to pay for help
A childminder who will also do baby sitting
A nursery worker you can pay as baby sitter outside nursery hours
A regular cleaner who might also do baby sitting
A local baby sitter

@SimpsonsXmasBoogie I agree.

I’m a single parent - that’s what makes it rough to have no family around. I was fine prior to ExH having an affair. He only has them 1 in 14. It’s fucked me financially, he pays the legal bare minimum, doesn’t pitch in with childcare or the expense of it, in any way, and swans around like the arsehole he is.

I’m the only person I know with no family to help. DBro takes them for a week when and if he can get a good chunk of time off work though that isn’t spent doing anything I’d like to do!