Becoming parents without parents to help

[Aprilshowers91]

We are ttc now and excited to start our own family, but a worry that keeps coming up in conversation, is that we have no parents who will be able to help. My father is mentally ill, my mother is an alcoholic and was a horrible Mum so I wouldn’t want her around my kids. DP’s father passed away years ago and his mother is 74 and sadly has Parkinson’s.

My friends and colleagues who have children all seem to rely on their parents loads: 1-2 days a week free childcare, school pickups, evening babysitting, weekend trips and holidays, even financial help. And they still seem stressed all the time! I’m wondering how on earth we will cope with no family support at all. I don’t know any couples who don’t have help from the grandparents. My best friend is also ttc, her mother and MIL are under 60, retired and have told her they can’t wait to look after future grandchildren.

I’m feeling really anxious about this to be honest, like our life will be harder than theirs and it will disadvantage our future children. There must be loads of Mums in a similar position and I just don’t know anyone, can anyone offer any words of encouragement?

We have DH's mum and stepdad for the holidays but they do live in another city and my mum and dad were too old to help out with childcare. We had DH's sister but she is a nanny so we paid her to take care whilst I was working. So in a way I can relate to you and say you can manage without.

Of course I don't hate friends who had family support - if anything I felt sorry for them as the 'help' often came with expectations or strings attached.
The best thing I did was set up my own 'support network' with another local family, we helped each other out, swapped childcare arrangements etc ... maybe we were just very lucky but it worked very well.

You will never know any different and this is key. Exh and I didn't have much help with our kids. His mum is dead so is my dad not that I would have allowed him around my kids. My mum is elderly and commits to one day a week only and that's fair enough.

Op I know what it mean - I have friends who agree to child free socials without even checking g they can get a sitter because they always can! We have never had that.

My best advice is go to nct ante natal classes or similar and make some other new parent friends.

Secondly further down the line if friends offer your dc a sleepover bite their arm off for it. Dd1 went for sleepovers with her little friends family at 2 and it was a bloody godsend!

I never had any grandparents and my DD hasn't got any within a 2-hour drive (who were too old/not interested when she was born anyway).

Grandparents have never babysat or helped. It didn't bother me in the slightest. My baby. Brought up by me (single parent). You'll be fine. Genuine question: why do you think you'll need help?

@Auntycorruption

It's perfectly possible but you will likely grow to hate those parents with family help who still moan it's too hard

In which case a quick read of Mn — with its endless posts about ghastly overstepping PILs, DMs who rock up daily at 7 am to spend hours expecting tea and feeding newborns Maltesers, parents who spent 67 hours a week looking after another DD’s nine children and none on the OP’s etc etc — will cheer you up.

@crimson late - completely agree with you. I'm always baffled by people expecting/looking for help. It never crossed my mind to get help. Just got on with it.

I've no idea if this helps but we have 3DC between the ages of 8-16. We certainly didn't consider that we would need the help of our parents and if we did, it would be a bonus. My inlaws have not been any support whatsoever ever despite being retired and early/mid fifties when our DC were born, they also spend no time with their grandchildren so now have no relationship with them sadly (their loss!).

My DM (no contact with my F) is a wonderful fun granny and the kids adore her but she still works so I wouldn't 'put' on her unless absolutely desperate! I am glad she has a lovely bond with them however.

Had one of our DC not been disabled we would have looked back and said we've been fine and coped well with very little support. However, as one is very disabled, we would have really benefitted as a family from a bit of support. It'd been really hard raising a disabled DC with no outside support.

Of course, nobody knows what fate lies ahead and whether or not your family will really need extra support or not.

@Ragwort

Of course it's doable ... I never assumed I would get help from my DPs or ILs ... we all live miles apart. I find it odd that people assume they will have help & I sincerely hope that my DS doesn't assume I will become a child minder for any possible future DGC. I don't expect him to stay inte same home town in the future .. In fact I am hoping to move away myself when I retire.

Well, yes, exactly. I wonder whether the expectation of free childcare on tap is what fuels the ire I often see on Mn about parents going to live in other countries — they’re viewed as reneging on an unspoken childcare contract..,?

Hi op...my own parents are dead and my DH just has his mum and she is completely disinterested and useless quite honestly.

It's hard...I am a sahm and have been since having my second dc as childcare for two was too expensive and a logistical nightmare.

It does make life a lot harder. I've only had two nights away from my DC in over 13 years! I know some mums who have more time off than that in a week.

@Ladybyrd

Our children are 4 years and 18 months. My parents have only looked after our 4 year old 3 times: once so I could go to the dentist, once so I could have my partner there for our daughter's birth, and once so we could register her birth (children weren't allowed in due to covid regulations). My partner is not a UK National so there is no help from his side either.

That isn't because they don't want to and it isn't because I don't trust them to take care of our kids. We visit my parents most weekends (they do live a couple of hours' drive away).

I have seen them be pushed to look after my siblings children beyond their comfort zone, and at one point being pressured to provide childcare while they work. I don't think that's fair and decided a long time ago that when I had kids, I wouldn't place them in that situation unless it was an emergency. They aren't young grandparents and they were being run ragged. I don't really see the need - they are both in nursery and most things can be organised while they are there.

As you can see, the odd thing pops up, but we've managed it fine. You will be ok - don't let that put you off.

You sound lovely!

Like others, it didn’t occur to me to expect childcare which is just as well as both sets of parents lived too far away. I made two close friends at toddler group and they didn’t have family support either so it all felt very normal.

I changed careers to be a childminder and looked after a very active
2 year old 2 weeks after giving birth, alongside my other child and you just get on with it...

[quote JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn]@crimson late - completely agree with you. I'm always baffled by people expecting/looking for help. It never crossed my mind to get help. Just got on with it.[/quote]
I think there's a difference between expecting a regular childcare arrangement and just having someone around for the odd emergency or to help out occasionally.

I see grandparents at my DC's school who do every pick up and drop off, weekend babysitting and entire school holidays. I think it's an absolute pisstake quite frankly. However, I think families should help each other out so an odd days childcare to cover an inset day or a pick up once a week or the odd sleepover is completely different.

It's difficult not having anyone to cover those emergency situations, or to give you an occasional break.

We’re in this position and it works fine 🙂 We are an equal partnership though. IME having heavily involved grandparents often means a less involved DF. Almost like they do the DH share!

It can be hard not to be resentful of their financial savings and their ability to have time as a couple but you learn to live with it.

The worst thing now is how much mum chat revolves around how awful their in in laws are (especially MIL). Even though they’re happy to use them for childcare. I’ve not piped up about my alcoholic abusive MIL as it really doesn’t sit within the conversations about their MIL giving their DC too much chocolate or not putting them to bed on time when babysitting!

DH and I have no parental help. We emigrated to another continent many years ago so other than the odd video call on WhatsApp they don't have any involvement.

It's fine. Everyone telling you that it isn't fine is just saying that because they relied on parental help and can't imagine anything different.

You make good friends with others in your situation and help each other out. You find a good babysitter. You make it work.

We have a 3 year old and a 3 week old and have no parents living near enough to help out with school pick ups, babysitting at the drop of a hat etc. we are managing just fine 😊. We are in the fortunate position of being able to afford nursery while still working, and I work from home so can be flexible with nursery and school pick ups. My daughter is due to start school soon and there are so many holiday clubs, and with leave etc we’ll be fine there are well. To be honest, personally I prefer having my DD in nursery and would probably still put her in even if grandparents lived nearby. She has made loads of friends, loves it and I know she’s not getting any screen time for those 3 days and they are following the curriculum, getting her ready for school, whereas if I dumped her in grandparents I would be worrying if they could cope and if she was being stretched and stimulated enough by kids her own age. Also, when I’m a grandparent I wouldn’t want to suddenly be providing childcare so wouldn’t expect mine to! Downside is we haven’t had a night out in years but to be honest I don’t really miss it - we have separate nights out! Yeah

It's fine. Everyone telling you that it isn't fine is just saying that because they relied on parental help and can't imagine anything different

Well I have never had help and I can tell you it's not fine and makes a big difference to your quality of life as a parent

It is probably quite a good thing that you are setting yourself up as independents from the outset, and you can save up a fund for this in advance.

I found a doula from doula.org.uk/ - I didn’t want help with the birth, but I did want someone who could help me out once the baby was here.

The doula will come in and do whatever needs doing - holding baby while you shower, making a meal, bits of washing up etc. Ours will even do an overnight if we need it.

Most of all, she is someone who can reliably step in when I need the help and who isn’t just doing me a favour (with all the complications that can involve).

Good luck!

Another one with no parents to help. My mum died when I was 26, dad then married a narcissist and husband's family all in another city (and his mum and dad both died when my children were quite young). I have a sister but she was a single parent and no help as such. I don't feel that I've missed out on help but I do think we've all missed out on having the extended family. I'm feeling it a bit at the moment as my cousin put in Facebook her and her 3 siblings, their families and her mum (my mum's sister) and dad (both in 80s) all having a family day out and saying how lucky they are. It can't be helped though.

I had nobody to help either. My Dad was very unwell and my Mum not in good health and caring for him. They also lived a two hour drive away. DH’s parents too far away and unable to help anyway for complex reasons.
No siblings to help either.
I do think it is harder. I had moved house and had no friends, it was much tougher than it would have been with my Mum healthy enough to help and nearby. I felt really jealous for a while of friends who had hands on parents. A friend’s dd recently had a baby and my friend is very helpful and I even felt a little pang of envy at that ! I have teenagers now !!
Rationally though, you do get through it. Many other people don’t have parents who are able to help out, eg my friend who had lost both her parents as a teenager. You find ways to cope, and you may have a friend or two who you can call on in an emergency.

distance means we don't have any family help. we have one DS, 2yo, and another due in June. we have a brilliant childminder but that is all in terms of support! my close friend has both sets of grandparents plus a sibling close by who will all take her toddler for an entire day or sleepover. they have no childcare costs as family do it all. She would happily give up work and be a SAHM, whereas I absolutely would not, and rely on work for a break! but then I don't get the breaks that her family provide.

HOWEVER, there are often issues with their setup, doing/feeding stuff they don't want with the toddler, family not asking specifically to see child so they are unsure about childcare, dropping out extremely last minute so no one for a whole day's childcare when it's needed for work, etc. unless childminder is ill (so far never touch wood!) then we have reliable childcare where we also have more say in his care without causing any family tension or issues. DS has a lovely bond with CM and she is like a family member to him. I'd love our family to be closer, but I wouldn't use family over childcare, at least not all of the time.

We're in a similar situation with a 2 year old. DH took a step back in his career so he could help out more at home. We both work full time and DS is at nursery full time.

It's not easy and we never get any childfree time but we get on with it. It does make me feel a little sad when friends tell us they've left the kids with granny to go out for a grown up meal or show, etc but as it's not an option for us we don't dwell on it.

Instead, we've gained some great local friends who are happy to help in an emergency. I'm pregnant again and we've got our friends on standby rather than grandparents to look after our first son when I give birth.

@Aprilshowers91
Is your partner in board with doing his share of parenting? In my experience that's the biggest thing which makes a difference. That you work well as a team and share responsibilities equally.

My friends that have got grandparents help have also got partners that don't want to take responsibly for anything and would rather carry on as they were before kids.

Both sets of parents lived miles away when mine where small. I took 5 years off work - money was very very tight during those years but somehow we muddled through. I was able to pick up my career afterwards with no problem. I treasure that time I had at home with the children, even though we ate a lot of sausages and mashed potato! - and holidays were a distant dream - we ran up some debts but it felt right for us.

I am very sorry to hear that your parents failed you in so many ways.

Good luck with TTC!

@Ladybyrd

*I'm not going to pretend it'll be easy, it won't.

But do you have other family or close friends? You do need a network.

Can you afford to pay for help?*

Are you actually in this situation yourself? Because, so long as both the partners do their bit, we found it very easy indeed with zero babysitting support, with just a handful of instances where we were in a pinch. It is very manageable. You just have to have realistic expectations.

Yes I am in this situation with the bonus of becoming a lone parent a few years down the track. Which happens to a lot of people.

Nothing easy about it.

You just get on with it. We lived on a different continent from both our families when I had ds. It was hard sometimes, but you just deal with it.

You'll manage, don't worry . I was married to a soldier, so not only did we have no family anywhere near us, but he was away a lot so I was more or less a single mother a lot of the time. He wasn't even there for the births. It can be done , and you'll do fine op.