Becoming parents without parents to help

[Aprilshowers91]

We are ttc now and excited to start our own family, but a worry that keeps coming up in conversation, is that we have no parents who will be able to help. My father is mentally ill, my mother is an alcoholic and was a horrible Mum so I wouldn’t want her around my kids. DP’s father passed away years ago and his mother is 74 and sadly has Parkinson’s.

My friends and colleagues who have children all seem to rely on their parents loads: 1-2 days a week free childcare, school pickups, evening babysitting, weekend trips and holidays, even financial help. And they still seem stressed all the time! I’m wondering how on earth we will cope with no family support at all. I don’t know any couples who don’t have help from the grandparents. My best friend is also ttc, her mother and MIL are under 60, retired and have told her they can’t wait to look after future grandchildren.

I’m feeling really anxious about this to be honest, like our life will be harder than theirs and it will disadvantage our future children. There must be loads of Mums in a similar position and I just don’t know anyone, can anyone offer any words of encouragement?

Genuine question: why do you think you'll need help?

Why would you think in 18 years of child rearing you'd never once need help with anything?!

We are the same. In laws live too far away for us to even see them regularly let alone help. And my own parents don't help either and never have, because my mum doesn't want to. It's not been easy tbh and I do envy those with two sets of parents to help! In the school yard there are some lovely grandparents that collect every day. Must be amazing to have that support.

*Yes I am in this situation with the bonus of becoming a lone parent a few years down the track. Which happens to a lot of people.

Nothing easy about it.*

Then there is that. I know if my partner wasn't in it 50/50, I would struggle to cope. And it does place a strain on the relationship, as we are both frazzled most of the time. And no, there are no dates without kids (2 in 4 years for us), and little free time left to enjoy our own interests. But so long as you go in with rock bottom expectations, OP, you'll be fine 😬

Actually, it is quite hard work at times. But you could go into it with a full house of grandparents and find you lack support for various reasons. That wouldn't have stopped me having children (although we both have a firm limit of 2 - a 3rd would push us over the edge, I think).

DC's in 20's now had 4 DGP's and 3 DA's, only 2 were any help at all. Don't let this put you off. Friends are the family you choose and they will fill this void if you let them. Good luck OP

We are in a similar position, parents are disabled/bad parents/dead. We did it without any help. No help with baby sitting etc. But it can be done. You can do this with your partner, you have each other. It's been hard, I won't lie, but we did fine. We have one in secondary school now and she baby sits the younger sibling for 30 minutes occasionally, which helps alot.

I have a very good relationship with my parents as does dh with his, but we live nearly 2 hours away so we have had no help with our dc either. We see my parents every 6 weeks or so, dhs parents maybe every 2 months. My mum comes and stops every now and again for a few days but that’s for us to spend quality time together with dc.

We just accepted that’s the way it is, unless we moved closer. My parents are late 60s so I would not ask much of them anyway tbh.

Honestly, It’s been absolutely fine, as I said, we knew it would be like this. We do seem to be in the minority, most of my friends live very near parents/ moved closer to their parents so they could help with childcare.

We have Dc no.2 on the way and the only thing I’m worried about is who will look after dc when I go into labour/to hospital, if labour is very sudden. I know my mum would come over and stay for a few nights though so that is reassuring.

We find it's ok day to day - we spend a lot on nursery and after school club but that's in our budget.

What we have found harder is not getting a proper break. Most of my friends don't have day to day support but their parents will take the kids for the odd weekend - one of my friends had 5 days in NYC without their kids and then complained that it was "only a long weekend not a proper holiday" - we have had 2 nights away without our kids in 5 years.

And then there is practical stuff - we moved house when our kids were 3 and 1. Every single removals company recommended sending the kids to grandparents on moving day - not an option for us and it was frankly horrendous juggling the kids and the move and unpacking without help.

What does help is having money - we both earn well and end up outsourcing a lot: cleaning, but also things like IKEA assembly and simple DIY as well as paying for babysitting

It's not the case round me that everyone has family support. I've a couple of friends who are single with no support. Lots of parents at DD's school are older and therefore parents no longer around or able, many are from other parts of the country or the world. Everyone manages of course it's not always easy but they do.

We didn't really have much help, well mil tried to force herself on us when DD was born but that caused so many issues we had to put a boundary in! It was a bit of a kick in the teeth at times, esp when the lucky parents used to go on about how they didn't think they'd cope without continuous support from grandparents. At baby groups I used to smile through gritted teeth and blink back tears! My parents didn't want to help.

I have another friend who's has no help at all despite her mother living just 2 miles away. They've never had a night to themselves, the grandparents say it would be too much for them. It's been hard for them but they've managed. As we did.

What I would say is build up a bank of babysitters and try and budget for at least one night out a month! If you're in a university town students can be a good bet, we've had some lovely babysitters that way. Also when they're in nursery/school/childcare take the odd annual leave day just the 2 of you, go for lunch and a walk don't do housework! Make sure you get that time just the 2 of you

None of my parent friends here in London have any day to day grandparent help. Mostly due to distance. My MIL does actually live fairly close but she’s busy with her own life and babysits maybe 3 or 4 times a year. She’s far too busy to offer regular childcare nor would we ask.

Though I’m sure it’s lovely to have that kind of help you will definitely manage just fine without it. I would suggest trying to make friends with other parents in a similar situation so you can help each other out from time to time. I agree when my DC were babies I would get quite teary wishing my parents lived closer and could help me out more but once the DC started school there was such an array of after-school clubs, play dates with other kids etc that I never felt it again.

And just because grandparents can help out doesn’t always mean it’s the best option. Totally depends on the grandparents and their energy levels of course but it can often mean loads of tv/screen time when maybe an after school sports club might be healthier. So please don’t ever feel your kids are missing out on anything.

It's doable. It'll be harder than it is for others sometimes but so be it, everyone has struggles in life. Don't compare, just adapt and find solutions. 3 DC and married to a teacher may as well be single sometimes and we've got by. Just make sure you choose a primary school with wraparound care!

No help here either and managed ok as a single parent alongside full time work , but had to give up any semblance of a social life apart from daytime meet ups for the first three years! Make full use of tax free
Childcare and flexible working whenever you can. Much easier when they go to
School.

I think the expectation that parents or in laws should be providing free childcare or frequent help is mind boggling.

I see so many threads on here complaining about how grandparents won't help out, this that and they other. But the demands are just crazy. They've had and raised their children so who can blame them at not wanting to have such a hands on and demanding role in raising grandkids too.

It also depends on the age of the grandparents too. My daughters grandparents are still in full time work themselves so don't really have the capability of helping out with drop offs and pick ups and free childcare etc.

Of course if I ask on a weekend maybe they will have her for a few hours, but even a close friend can do that.

I wouldn't worry about it tbh as long as you have a good support network of friends and your partner pulls his weight you'll be fine.

There are some people who take the piss with grandparents support and then if there are conflicts is very difficult to extricate yourself. I saw on FB a school friend of mine has given up her much loved career to be free childcare for her daughter , 23 who's just had a baby. She's 46! No way I'd do that even when my DC do have kids, I love my job and will carry on right up to retirement age and likely to bits and pieces beyond. I want to support my DC but will be a few nights babysitting and the odd weekend, certainly not wrap around care with school!

You need rock solid childcare, good friends and some understanding from your employer if you are both working. And really good teamwork with your partner.
We had a wonderful childminder who was very reliable and flexible. We had friends who would step in at short notice (as would we) and the ability to wfh or juggle hours at work. It's not possible in all jobs but we took financial hits to get ourselves to where they were.

It's totally doable to raise children without parental help.

I lost my mother as a child and I've always lived far away from a grandparent for my children.

My father has been deceased for over a decade and my in-laws live abroad (England). In fact, our children haven't seen them since 2015.

I'll admit that it would have been nice to have other people around to support us but it just wasn't possible and you just get on with it.

You'll be fine, OP. Good luck!

We have no help from our parents (they live in a different country, and frankly, they never offered any help), my Dh and I both WFH full-time, and we have a 1 year old who is not in the nursery. It's really tough.

I feel so jealous of other people when they say "we had a baby and my MIL came from India for a few months to help out" or "my parents are minding the kids for the weekend".
I do feel disadvantaged because of the lack of family support, and I'm seriously considering only having 1 child because of it.

It's just so relentless. You never get a break. No opportunity to catch up on sleep. No option to have a quiet relaxing evening after work. Or a quiet weekend. Lack of family support is a disadvantage, I'm not going to sugar coat it.

It is harder but entirely doable. We had family but they were not interested in helping or were too far away to do so. We have really good friends locally and that's where the help came from - mutual support for each other. Obvs not for regular days but we swopped things like inset days which can cause all kinds of trouble for parents.

It didn't really occur to me that we would miss family support because I don't remember going to grandparents etc when I was a child.

It was quite surprising to me to find out that many people have so much - especially work childcare!

Both DH’s and my parents lived 250 miles away. It was impossible for them to help much. That seems normal to me. My DC are in their very early 20s and we won’t be able to help them with their children, if they have any.

We don't have family help - my parents are 3000 miles away and elderly and frail anyway. MIL died at 55 before we even got married (I miss her TERRIBLY), FIL is on his third family, his wife is vile and I would never leave DS alone at their house and she won't come to our house because she hates animals and we have dogs.

Anyway, given our families, I prefer no grandparent help. DH's brother used to help
Out on a pinch, but he's moved far away now, so it's just us and it's fine.

@BlueberryJam123 you really need to sort childcare. It's just going to get even harder as your child becomes a toddler and it will become unmanageable. Using a nursery does make it significantly easier.

I was never babysat or looked after by grandparents, or any overnights. My parents did it all, so was normal to us. I think what I've found surprising is how normal it is now up have full on support from grandparents, I do find some parents attitudes to it quite entitled to be honest.

I was rarely looked after by grandparents growing up either. We would go and visit but my parents never expected childcare from them so I didn’t expect help either. My parents did all the childcare and occasionally they would ask a friend if they needed help and couldn’t manage it themselves.

Also found it really surprising when I had DC1 how many grandparents do provide extensive help. I remember meeting a mum at one of my first baby groups and she was with her mum who had moved to a flat near her in London specifically to provide childcare. Which is lovely of her I guess but personally I would find that quite suffocating. I would much rather my parents had their own lives and did their own thing. But each to their own!

Parents who do this without regular family / grandparent support are a different breed OP.
We are made of different stuff! Those mums and dads who hand their babies over to Granny 2 nights a week don’t know they’re born. Namby Pamby level one parenting!
(I’m joking - mostly)

But seriously OP, it is hard but it’s not forever. Every phase is a new challenge and would it be easier to have a grandparent to take my kids and let me get a full sleep once a week - yes it absolutely would. But we cope, we get through and I’m so proud of me and my DP for juggling super busy lives and careers with two kids and no family to help day to day.

As the kids get older it gets easier and don’t forget you’ve soon got childminders, nursery’s, school etc - ok you have to pay for your childcare but at least you get to set the terms.
I have plenty of friends who moan about their MILs way of doing things and it’s incredibly hard to complain when you’re getting unpaid help!

You’ll be just fine OP. There’s lots of us out there and you’ll be meet other mums in the same boat along the way.
Good luck!