Becoming parents without parents to help

[Aprilshowers91]

We are ttc now and excited to start our own family, but a worry that keeps coming up in conversation, is that we have no parents who will be able to help. My father is mentally ill, my mother is an alcoholic and was a horrible Mum so I wouldn’t want her around my kids. DP’s father passed away years ago and his mother is 74 and sadly has Parkinson’s.

My friends and colleagues who have children all seem to rely on their parents loads: 1-2 days a week free childcare, school pickups, evening babysitting, weekend trips and holidays, even financial help. And they still seem stressed all the time! I’m wondering how on earth we will cope with no family support at all. I don’t know any couples who don’t have help from the grandparents. My best friend is also ttc, her mother and MIL are under 60, retired and have told her they can’t wait to look after future grandchildren.

I’m feeling really anxious about this to be honest, like our life will be harder than theirs and it will disadvantage our future children. There must be loads of Mums in a similar position and I just don’t know anyone, can anyone offer any words of encouragement?

Even couples with two sets of healthy, local grandparents can find they don't want to help, or they have a sudden health event and therefore cannot.

We have two sets of grandparents but only one set ever have the kids on their own.

We were in the same boat and we managed - although I can’t say it was always easy or tgat I didn’t feel a level of jealousy or reseat times. My mum did travel to help us occasionally, but it certainly wasn’t a regular thing, so for the most part we had to use childcare and just accepted the fact that we wouldn’t have the social life others had. The result is that DH and I are a tight unit and we very much appreciate our time together now tge DC are teens/adults.

@Comedycook

Genuine question: why do you think you'll need help?

Why would you think in 18 years of child rearing you'd never once need help with anything?!

I don't think anyone is saying that but it is a valid questiopn to ask the OP why she thinks she needs parents near by when there are millions of people who bring up children every day perfectly well without parents on tap

On the plus side I will have no obligations to any elderly infirm parents or relatives in the future. Once my children are grown up, I'll be free! Unlike a lot of my friends who will have to either have to provide or sort out care for their parents.

@LivesinLondon2000

I was rarely looked after by grandparents growing up either. We would go and visit but my parents never expected childcare from them so I didn’t expect help either. My parents did all the childcare and occasionally they would ask a friend if they needed help and couldn’t manage it themselves.

Also found it really surprising when I had DC1 how many grandparents do provide extensive help. I remember meeting a mum at one of my first baby groups and she was with her mum who had moved to a flat near her in London specifically to provide childcare. Which is lovely of her I guess but personally I would find that quite suffocating. I would much rather my parents had their own lives and did their own thing. But each to their own!

I have a friend who's mum (who only lived about 3 miles away anyway) sold her house and bought a house on the same street as the friend so she could have on tap childcare! Friend still moans she's overwhelmed. Different world.

You accept that's going to be the case and budget for paying for more help. Then build up a network. We were very similar - 3 dead grandparents, the fourth 4 hours away and useless. No other relatives within a 4 hour drive.

It was really tough, especially for the first year. Once DD started at nursery it got easier as we budgeted for an occasional extra day to get things done. If we were ill we just had to get on with it, tag teaming whilst the other one lay down for a bit!

What I wish we'd done in the first year/from birth:
Invest heavily in Cook or similar ready meals - it's really hard to get meals ready with a newborn around and we didn't have anyone bringing meals round for us (other than a kind neighbour who gave us some pasta).
Hire a mother's help/maternity nurse/cleaner type person - depends on your priorities and budget. I really struggled with the nights (had PND) so could have done with the maternity nurse, whilst DH kept on top of cleaning, others may prefer to do babycare themselves and get someone else to clean?
Sent DD to nursery for half a day or so a week from six weeks old (earliest they'd take them) which would have made a huge difference to my mental health and also made things like dental appts so much easier to access.

Later on I built up a network of other mums via toddler groups which made it easier.

We have 3DCs, both worked FT and we never got or expected any help from grandparents, even very occasional babysitting (unwilling, unreliable and/or too far away).

We paid (a lot over the years!) for childcare, clubs and baby sitters and we had to be super organised, but I agree with someone who said it makes you a tighter unit. DH and I were forced to go 50/50 on everything. I often think grandparents helping out benefits men the most by assisting with much of the drudgery and day to day childcare responsibilities that women still have to juggle.

@Comedycook my experience of child rearing was as a single mother working full time with no family support. I made good friends with other single mothers who could help in an emergency. But honestly... it really was fine! The OP is panicking but has a husband - 2 healthy parents should be able to manage a child between them. I'm just trying to reassure her that she can relax and not feel worried that she has no family support. We all just muddle through.

You also get good at planning ahead - we chose the primary school mostly on the basis of its wraparound care (which then ended up partially closed because of lockdowns! ).

In some ways it's easier as paid childcare is more reliable and you know what you're getting - we chose nursery rather than a childminder as they had to be open and get cover in if someone was off sick. I vividly remember one family in total disarray after the grandmother who'd been providing childcare for 2 kids 3 days a week got a detached retina and couldn't help them out for six weeks!
I've also found it easier knowing that nursery/wraparound would be open until x time and they'd have eaten xyz whilst there!

It is relentless not getting a break at all though - DD is 6yo and we've never had a night together away from her as no one to have her overnight. I've only had 3 nights away from her in total since she was born!

We've also made a point of taking some annual leave on days when nursery or school is open so that we can have some childfree time!

[quote JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn]@Comedycook my experience of child rearing was as a single mother working full time with no family support. I made good friends with other single mothers who could help in an emergency. But honestly... it really was fine! The OP is panicking but has a husband - 2 healthy parents should be able to manage a child between them. I'm just trying to reassure her that she can relax and not feel worried that she has no family support. We all just muddle through. [/quote]
Yes but my point was you still needed help in emergencies....depending on who you got that from. Of course, when you have no other choice, you manage. I remember though when I was stuck in A&E with my eldest and my youngest needed collecting from school..dh was stuck miles away. Luckily my bil picked her up but I was quite stuck really if he hadn't have been around.

Also, as so many people have had to isolate recently, loads of people without support have struggled to get their kids to school.

There's also often threads on here from women expecting their second child but have no one to look after their eldest so have to give birth alone as their husbands have to stay at home to look after their dc

@RidingMyBike

We've also made a point of taking some annual leave on days when nursery or school is open so that we can have some childfree time!

100% agree with this tip

We had no help whatsoever ( my parents too far away, his parents useless) and we both worked full time. It's very hard and it's very expensive. But many people do it. Some people are just very very lucky to have family on hand. We never did.

I agree @Comedycook - there were times where we were really stuck, and whilst we managed somehow it was very hard at times. School holidays were a nightmare - they hated the holiday club and even with my NHS holidays and parental leave we still didn’t have enough leave between us to cover the holidays. The DC were often quite miserable going into the club, it was horrible.

This is the main issue that is putting me off ttc. I had very involved grandparents who provided a lot of support to my parents. My parents live too far away to offer any help and dhs parents don’t seem interesting and are planning to retire abroad.
It’s horrible seeing people I know, who have loads of support, struggle. It makes me feel like we couldn’t cope.
It also causes sone resentment as we would have a huge childcare bill yet our parents benefited from loads for free help but aren’t willing to do that for someone else

@SirChenjins

I agree *@Comedycook* - there were times where we were really stuck, and whilst we managed somehow it was very hard at times. School holidays were a nightmare - they hated the holiday club and even with my NHS holidays and parental leave we still didn’t have enough leave between us to cover the holidays. The DC were often quite miserable going into the club, it was horrible.

I have been a sahm and this is one of the reasons I guess...My dd had a lot of minor medical issues and sn which meant she had a lot of appointments. I could never have juggled them with my older dc AND a job! It has definitely meant we have had to make many financial sacrifices. I always say If you both want/need to work full time you need lots of family support or lots of money! Sadly I had neither!

We have no help. Three children between 9years and 4months. We both work full time and neither of us have any family help. We manage perfectly well and actually we enjoy no one meddling with our parenting.

Don't feel anxious! Zero family support here too. I'm married and dh is amazing but works long hours in the nhs. It's totally doable. Ds is 3 and we absolutely adore him. He's such a good boy and we're a really happy family, having another baby soon.

Mum friends are the key imo. Someone to ask for childcare (not regularly but if something comes up) and to share the highs and lows of motherhood with. You need to put yourself out there.

I had no one and if I could choose I wouldn't do it again had I know how hard it would be, I love my kids but have hated parenting with absolutely no one to have them even for a couple hours. A reliable, trustworthy babysitter is harder to come by than saying just get a babysitter.

My parents are the most doting grandparents in the world, unfortunately they live on the other side of the world. My in-laws were nearby but refused to help as kids are hard work.
I don't think I had any decent alone time for at least ten years and then home schooling 2020 arrived.....

We had 4 DC in under 6 years with no family help just DH and I. I was a SAHM there was no other way to do it. Looking back it was very hard but now the eldest is almost 18 life is a bit easier, DH and I can go out on our own again for dinner and I am back working full time

I don't think I had any decent alone time for at least ten years and then home schooling 2020 arrived

Tell me about it! My only childfree time was when they were in school...home schooling in lockdown was horrendous!

Use nursery for child care and maybe the nursery staff will be available for extra babysitting?

Holidays where there’s a kids club attached to the hotel?

It's doable but it is really hard. It's just relentless if you don't have those completely trusted pair of hands available to take over in a pinch (or as many of my friends have - for regular childcare).

Of course it's doable but it's worth thinking about your support network and who you can rely on should you need to.

Good luck!

I think it can be done and you've had lots of great practical suggestions. For me the emotional part was key - making peace with the fact that my child wasn't going to have that magical grandparent relationship that I saw all around. Nothing is perfect and there are other good things out there good luck.

@RebeccaNoodles
Yes it might look like a magical grandparent relationship from a distance but up close, it may well be far from perfect.
You can’t necessarily have the same input over what your parents do the way you would a childminder as you’re not paying for the service. I’ve seen plenty of frustration over grandparents feeding the kids loads of sweets, unlimited screen time etc etc but the parent feeling unable to say anything. So yes you might get more help but there can be strings attached. I also feel grandparents moving close by just to provide childcare could be a sign of generally controlling behaviour and being unwilling to let their adult children get on with things. E.g. I had a few friends at university whose parents bought them a house to live in as they didn’t want them house sharing. They made out it was just being generous but it often looked more like they were unwilling to let their child be fully independent. It was interesting that these were the grandparents who also ensured they lived close by when grandkids arrived - and it felt like a continuation of the control. I know from talking to those friends that the relationship has not always been a bed of roses in one case even causing a relationship break up.

Just to provide some balance to the argument and ,whilst I’m sure there are plenty of great grandparent relationships, to demonstrate that things are not always what they seem!!