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Original poster

MIL insisting on moving in to help with newborn

159 replies

whysoserious123 · 27/12/2021 18:51

Just as the title says. My MIL who is lovely and means well has moved in a few weeks ago to help me while I'm pregnant (I'm due anyday) which I did not ask for at all and she has decided she will be staying until atleast the end of January to help me with my newborn.

Now I know I sound ungrateful but the baby is our first child and she moved in with us on the day me and my husband moved to our new house a few weeks ago. We haven't had one day together in our new home before baby comes and I find myself cooped up in my bedroom while my husband and works and my MIL is downstairs with the television. She means well but it's very awkward with me being sick and sometimes having to wait for the bathroom. In the night I get up about 7 times to use the bathroom for sickness or whatever and in the morning she makes a point of how I woke her up.

The house is a mess and the other living room downstairs is out of order as she has brought a load of her things to the house and is expecting to keep it there and have it all moved for her by my husband when she is ready to leave when he should be with his newborn. I don't know how the birth will go and will feel uncomfortable dealing with the realities of post birth with her prescence . Such as breastfeeding bleeding etc ( she has said she will help me shower and has already asked if I need that help now while pregnant)

Silly other things like she turns the heating up so much last months bill was 160 pounds and it's just so much more than we are used to.

I wanted to cook lots of batches of food and freeze it for when baby comes but she has filled the freezer with her food

I feel awkward in my own home and can't think of anything worse than leaving hospital and having to come to my own home and tiptoe around my MIL.

I can't go and get a bottle of water without a 45minutes conversation or a horror story about childbirth

She is not lonely and has a husband and a family. It's not a cultural thing either we are all from and live in England.

My husband has tried to talk to her but it seems to fall on death ears.

Can someone let me know a way we can let her down gentle and let her know she is welcome whenever but me and my husband would love some space to ourselves before the baby comes and especially once baby is here and for us to learn our own way with the baby?

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 28/12/2021 09:14

Has the OP come back yet?

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2021 10:28

Why on earth did you agree to this in the first place? Absolutely ridiculous.
By both of you allowing it, the situation is much harder to manage.
Both of you/DH needs to sit her down, thank her for trying to 'help' and then TELL her she needs to go home. She'll completely take over otherwise.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/12/2021 13:26

Please come back and let us know how you're getting on @whysoserious123.

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Original poster

whysoserious123 · 28/12/2021 14:33

Thank you everyone, it seems everyone's advise is similar. I spoke with DH last night and again all morning and he is going to speak with her tomorrow night over dinner when her husband is here too. DH agrees that it's up to me if I want help or not and has said he doesn't want her here either and will explain that we are capable to do it ourselves and want to do it our way and appreciate her offer to help but it's a a no at the moment. DH will tell her that I have told both my sisters and mother no to moving in also so it needs to be fair for everyone. (this is my mums 1st grandchild and MIL 4th grandchild).

Fingers crossed that there isn't too many tears and she understands

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 28/12/2021 14:42

Glad to hear you and DH are on the same page. Perhaps he could talk to her sooner so she can get packed up & have tomorrow night as her farewell meal!

PanicBuyingSprouts · 28/12/2021 14:57

Glad to hear you and DH are on the same page. Perhaps he could talk to her sooner so she can get packed up & have tomorrow night as her farewell meal

I wouldn't leave it that late either. She's been with you for long enough.

I'd talk to her this evening with your DH, get him to tell her when her DH comes tomorrow you'll have a lovely mean but he can take her home afterwards. She'll have plenty of time to pack.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/12/2021 14:58

Why the extra delay @whysoserious123? I'd do what @Shelby2010 suggests and have the conversation sooner rather than later.

Best of luck with it and with the impending birth! I'll be thinking of you

christmascharade · 28/12/2021 15:00

Stop pressuring the OP!

She and her DH have a decent plan, let them do it, stop meddling!

SnugKnights · 28/12/2021 15:01

Good luck OP, both with the birth and getting rid of MIL! Does your DH think it’ll be easier when her DH is there? Will he back him up, might she react better with him there? If that isn’t the case then I agree with PP that it’s best to just get it said today.

sjxoxo · 28/12/2021 15:04

@whysoserious123 OMG I am in the same boat as you. Baby due any day now. My MIL is insisting on coming to stay with us for god knows how long. We have told her we don’t want this several times during pregnancy and she has not listened.
This morning I recieved a delivery of breast feeding stuff. I find it intrusive and rude. I know she would say she ‘wants to help’ but thing is she’s doing this for her own good feeling, not because it will be helpful to me. I will actually find it very stressful. I also have nowhere for her to stay as the spare room is now the baby room!!

To top it off I don’t think my own parents will even be able to come as they are in the Uk and we are abroad and travel is now restricted.

I don’t know what the answer is because I don’t want to fall out with her but she pushes and pushes without listening to what we say.

What on earth can you do with people like this… my DH has also told her several times. She’s not heard.

It’s hell. I wouldn’t dream of sending someone breastfeeding gear unless they asked for it, or moving in to someone’s house unless they specifically asked.

She did the same for her own daughter. I think it’s different.. I’m not her daughter & I’d so much rather it was my own mum, who I worry will feel shut out.

What are you going to do op??
Has anyone else had a successful non-argument solution to this… xoxox

Choux · 28/12/2021 15:30

[quote sjxoxo]@whysoserious123 OMG I am in the same boat as you. Baby due any day now. My MIL is insisting on coming to stay with us for god knows how long. We have told her we don’t want this several times during pregnancy and she has not listened.
This morning I recieved a delivery of breast feeding stuff. I find it intrusive and rude. I know she would say she ‘wants to help’ but thing is she’s doing this for her own good feeling, not because it will be helpful to me. I will actually find it very stressful. I also have nowhere for her to stay as the spare room is now the baby room!!

To top it off I don’t think my own parents will even be able to come as they are in the Uk and we are abroad and travel is now restricted.

I don’t know what the answer is because I don’t want to fall out with her but she pushes and pushes without listening to what we say.

What on earth can you do with people like this… my DH has also told her several times. She’s not heard.

It’s hell. I wouldn’t dream of sending someone breastfeeding gear unless they asked for it, or moving in to someone’s house unless they specifically asked.

She did the same for her own daughter. I think it’s different.. I’m not her daughter & I’d so much rather it was my own mum, who I worry will feel shut out.

What are you going to do op??
Has anyone else had a successful non-argument solution to this… xoxox[/quote]
If MIL is being pushy, you have to be pushier.

Return the breastfeeding gear to the company who sent it. Tell her not to re order it or you will send it back again.

When she makes noises about coming, your DH tells her 'that's not what we want, please leave us to bind with our baby. If we need help we will ask'

If she turns up unannounced then don't let her in. 'I'm sorry, we asked to be left alone, please respect our wishes'. And if you can visit her rather than invite her to your house. If you expect her to come for two hours she may turn up with two weeks worth of clothes!

TillyTopper · 28/12/2021 15:38

Please get a grip on the situation otherwise you'll really regret it once your baby is here. I don't think subtle will work - you need to sit her down together and tell her bluntly that you want to be alone and that includes when the baby comes. Say you are grateful for the help and it's lovely you feel you can call on her, but you need your space. If she has a tantrum, tries to emotionally blackmail you - whatever - just stick to you guns. At least if she falls out with you for a bit she won't be there.

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2021 16:31

I'd be tempted to tell her tonight that you need her to leave but you're looking forward to having a lovely time with her and her DH tomorrow, so that she's ready to go.
Unless of course it'll be easier when her DH is there but then I think it'll be more upsetting etc and drawn out.
You know them though and it's obviously up to you both.

RowsOfHolly · 28/12/2021 17:00

Your approach and your reasons, as you are planning to tell her, sound very good.

Discuss with your DH how you will deal with push back.

If it’s tears, “Mum, come on, you know we love and appreciate you , but it’s time for us to have some space… and you will see the baby when s/he is born…” but steel yourselves: if she cries and gets emotional it isn’t your job to ‘make it better’. It’s hers. You have as much right to not be upset as she does, and her current behaviour is making you upset.

If she insists you need the help, just stuck record. “We’ve had that conversation Mum, we are both agreed and there’s nothing else to be said, more tea?”

turnaroundtime · 28/12/2021 21:53

Please let us know the outcome

JLQ1020 · 28/12/2021 22:00

Good luck. Be strong. Be firm. And maybe change the locks in case she has cut herself a spare key lol.

iguanadonna · 28/12/2021 22:12

Good luck!

PegasusReturns · 28/12/2021 22:12

Gosh you need to tell her now baby is due any day and if the conversation doesn’t take place soon you run the risk of it not happening and you’ll regret it - seriously distressingly regret it - forever.

samwitwicky · 28/12/2021 22:13

Oh lord.

When I had DS, my MIL moved in with us for two weeks. She lived 30 mins away.

Not only was she fucking useless (no help around the house, no cooking etc) she would snatch baby off me, and insisted on having him overnight!!

At the time I was so confused and not myself I just accepted and thought I should be grateful. Now I think back and I feel livid not only with her, but with myself for allowing it.

DO NOT GIVE IN TO THIS WOMAN.

She has had her turn. Now it is yours. This time won't come again, please spend it how you wish to. Don't risk regret, you'll resent her for it

NatriumChloride · 28/12/2021 22:18

Good luck, OP. Sensible plan. Be firm and hold your boundaries.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/12/2021 09:01

Rows makes a very good point. You need to decide how you will both deal with tears and push back before you speak to her.

Wopies · 30/12/2021 10:17

How did the talk go OP? Hope she has agreed to leave.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/12/2021 15:01

@whysoserious123 - have you managed to have the conversation yet? How did it go?
Has your MiL left yet???

KindleAndCake · 30/12/2021 22:04

Any updates? Has MIL gone yet?

HoneyFlowers · 30/12/2021 22:10

Honestly she needs to go now as things will escalate once baby is here... Lack of sleep, unable to poo without pain, unable to sit without pain, breastfeeding in private etc...

MIL asked us to move in with her but we just said no, we need our own space to learn things at our own pace.

Good luck!

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