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Original poster

MIL insisting on moving in to help with newborn

159 replies

whysoserious123 · 27/12/2021 18:51

Just as the title says. My MIL who is lovely and means well has moved in a few weeks ago to help me while I'm pregnant (I'm due anyday) which I did not ask for at all and she has decided she will be staying until atleast the end of January to help me with my newborn.

Now I know I sound ungrateful but the baby is our first child and she moved in with us on the day me and my husband moved to our new house a few weeks ago. We haven't had one day together in our new home before baby comes and I find myself cooped up in my bedroom while my husband and works and my MIL is downstairs with the television. She means well but it's very awkward with me being sick and sometimes having to wait for the bathroom. In the night I get up about 7 times to use the bathroom for sickness or whatever and in the morning she makes a point of how I woke her up.

The house is a mess and the other living room downstairs is out of order as she has brought a load of her things to the house and is expecting to keep it there and have it all moved for her by my husband when she is ready to leave when he should be with his newborn. I don't know how the birth will go and will feel uncomfortable dealing with the realities of post birth with her prescence . Such as breastfeeding bleeding etc ( she has said she will help me shower and has already asked if I need that help now while pregnant)

Silly other things like she turns the heating up so much last months bill was 160 pounds and it's just so much more than we are used to.

I wanted to cook lots of batches of food and freeze it for when baby comes but she has filled the freezer with her food

I feel awkward in my own home and can't think of anything worse than leaving hospital and having to come to my own home and tiptoe around my MIL.

I can't go and get a bottle of water without a 45minutes conversation or a horror story about childbirth

She is not lonely and has a husband and a family. It's not a cultural thing either we are all from and live in England.

My husband has tried to talk to her but it seems to fall on death ears.

Can someone let me know a way we can let her down gentle and let her know she is welcome whenever but me and my husband would love some space to ourselves before the baby comes and especially once baby is here and for us to learn our own way with the baby?

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Throughabushbackwards · 27/12/2021 21:16

In the night I get up about 7 times to use the bathroom for sickness or whatever and in the morning she makes a point of how I woke her up.

Awful. Pack a bag, leave and tell your husband you're going to a hotel and not coming home until she's gone.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 27/12/2021 21:18

You need to get her out before bub comes, otherwise it sounds like PND waiting to happen. I agree with packing a bag and getting DH to sort it, I'm fuming for you how dare they put you in this position?

ChristmasPlanning · 27/12/2021 21:24

Feeling rage just reading this. You have a guest nit someone helping. This sounds so intrusive

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hipbippbop · 27/12/2021 21:26

I would ask her to leave now, tell her you appreciate the thoughtfulness but you and your DH are adults and should be able to enjoy welcoming a baby home.
And I would not tell her she is welcome whenever after the birth. You will end up in the same position with her there all day long. My friend is currently battling her MIL who goes everyday, all day.

I would have moved in to my parents house by now.

JLQ1020 · 27/12/2021 21:35

Agree with all of the above she needs to move back home.
Also what happens if you are overdue and you and your husband wants to have sex to try and get things moving along?
Also what if she decides she doesn't want to ever move out?
Please for your own sanity tell her to move out.
I'm expecting my 1st child and I adore my MIL she is amazing but in no way would she ever invite herself to stay and I wouldn't ask her. Even my own mum wouldn't help me shower at this stage and I'm ready to pop.
It's weird and odd and I honestly can see after you having the baby where you have even more issues.
If you BF that will be wrong if you bottle feed that will be wrong
You will change nappies wrong.
If you end up with a section it's your fault because of x y or z.
Please please get her out of your house.

Kite22 · 27/12/2021 21:36

This has got to be made up, surely ?

No-one can be grown up enough to be married, have their own house and be having a baby, but not able to say to ANYONE - er.... wtf are you doing ? This is our house... me and dh (or better, for your dh to say 'me and whysoserious') ...we appreciated your help on moving day but you don't live here and you need to go home.
Why would you (as in both of you) let this go on like this ?

I can sort of see it would be helpful to have a helpful relative stay when you have a newborn, but why on earth would they move in weeks ago ??

FinallyHere · 27/12/2021 21:36

in the morning she makes a point of how I woke her up.

Thank you for coming to see us, we really appreciate your doing this but absolutely understand that it doesn't quite work in this house. Would you like a cup of tea/coffee/etc before you set off?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/12/2021 21:42

You are a grown woman and you need to be able to control who moves into your house. Don't just let stuff happen, say "No, this is not what I want. Go home, and make sure you take all your stuff with you."

mrsbitaly · 27/12/2021 21:50

I can imagine it must be difficult to say no in this scenario despite all what others feel. Your MIL is clearly trying to be helpful although not being successful at it. She has good intentions and it's lovely she wants to support you both. I can completely understand why you want your time together, I think you both need to sit down with her and say you really appreciate her support but you both feel you would like to bring the baby home alone and spend time together but you will call her if you need any help.

Kite22 · 27/12/2021 22:00

The only thing that has made it difficult is that they've allowed this madness to go on for so long.

Ohheybaby · 27/12/2021 22:56

I concur with everyone else, but I would add that my mil and sil insisted on coming to stay after the birth, they were there when I got back from hospital, said they would help, my partner said yes, I was too out of it emotionally to really be sure and thought 'well it would be helpful' however, it was not helpful, they didn't do things of practical help, they acted awkwardly and made me feel uncomfortable, argued with us and I ended up having to tell them to leave in my state of complete shock post difficult birth etc. It has frankly traumatised me, marred what should have been a special bonding time for my partner, baby and me and had an extremely detrimental effect on our relationship and on my partners relationship with them. Well meaning or not, you and your baby are priority, she has to go now.

There is no gentle approach but being assertive does not have to be rude. As has been said you just need to say something like "thanks for the offer of help but we need our home to ourselves now, you need to move out
tomorrow at the latest" if she trys to argue just say "my mind is made up on this"

The only help you need in those early days is someone to bring you pre cooked meals, snacks and any other bits from the shop, perhaps watch baby while you nap if you want them to and then very swiftly leave.

Larryyourwaiter · 27/12/2021 23:33

The thing is your husband probably thinks that’s she’s being helpful even when she isn’t. It’s happened to me and friends. MIL turns up, sits on her arse for a week, complains about everything, goes home. DH declares how wonderful and helpful MIL is and she should come more often/move in. They just convince themselves it’s true.

You need to be very clear how miserable this is making you, she is no help, if he wants to be with her he can go home with her.

Animood · 27/12/2021 23:38

Say "thank you for your help so far but we think that we'd prefer it to be just us from now on. When can we take you home".

Just be direct.

Heruka · 27/12/2021 23:41

Agree with everyone else. This is shocking and not ok. Being direct and clear is kinder than hints.

Chely · 27/12/2021 23:58

Doesn't sound like she is being very helpful. I would have your husband tell her to go home, he needs to be quite firm.

Luckyducky75 · 28/12/2021 00:03

Oh good god this is all kinds of wrong. She should not be there, tell your husband she leaves in the morning or you do. You need to feel comfortable and relaxed right now, you and DH need this time together. You get to decide who's there for you not your bloody MIL. You need to nip this in the bud now or she'll be dictating to you for the next 20 years. Don't you dare worry about hurting her feelings. She's a mother herself so she damn well knows what she's doing is wrong and she's shown zero concern for your feelings so you don't need to consider hers. Send her home tomorrow! Good luck xxx

AliveAndSleeping · 28/12/2021 00:36

Say. This (or ask dh to say it): "Can someone let me know a way we can let her down gentle and let her know she is welcome whenever but me and my husband would love some space to ourselves before the baby comes and especially once baby is here and for us to learn our own way with the baby?"

You said she is lovely so an alternative would be to sit her down and discuss all the things that are making you uncomfortable and trying to solve them. I say this because having a pair of hands around with a newborn is invaluable. My mum stayed with us after the birth for a few months and I don't know how we would have managed without her (a lot of her support was for our older child though). We also have all the problems with cranking the heating up like crazy, clutter, lack of privacy, etc but on balance to me at least it was still a great help.

Even with just one child the sleep deprivation is pretty brutal initially and it's nice to be able to hand over the baby sometimes si you can go and have a shower or something. So if you don't mind someone staying with you and it's just mil's behaviour in particular that is troubling you then maybe address the behaviour.

falalalalalalalallama · 28/12/2021 00:54

Your husband needs to send her home now. If she kicks off, that's her problem. Unless she comes from a culture where this is normal, she's acting like a nutcase.

This set up puts you at more risk of PND, and having MIL there is going to be a nightmare if you want to breastfeed, having her around when you need to be sitting around with your boobs out, giving yourself the best chance of establishing BFing successfully not tip toeing around her and putting up with her - likely - sticking her oar in with unsolicited advice.

Your DH needs to sort this, now.

arcof · 28/12/2021 02:25

You won't get this experience back (bringing you first baby home) - no, it probably won't be all fuzzy and perfect like in the films but it will be an experience you'll always remember and if you don't want her to be part of it, kick her out. Trust me when I tell you I wish I'd been more forceful when my baby was born as I will eternally regret how it all played out with family

feistymumma · 28/12/2021 07:37

That would wind me up. You are going to have to tell your DH to ask her to go back home and both of you need to put in some boundaries.

WaltzingBetty · 28/12/2021 07:54

Why on Earth did you agree to this?

You need to have a frank conversation with your DH and he needs to grow a backbone and tell her to leave

RowsOfHolly · 28/12/2021 08:13

“MIL / Mum it’s been lovely to see you but then truth is that like any couple moving into their own house we want to have time to ourselves to make it our own. We do not need help at present. It is important to us that we now have time alone together before our baby is born. Go back home now, and we promise we will let you know if and when we need help “.

Your DH is an absolute disloyal git if he does not support / implement this way forward.

If he does not, tell him you are moving YOUR mother in, or disappear and go to a relative’s for a week.

This is serious stuff, OP, and will define your whole life.

TheMerryWidow1 · 28/12/2021 08:51

Are you sure she hasn’t moved in permanently? You mentioned all her stuff in the house.

BooksAndGin · 28/12/2021 08:54

You need to be blunt, tell her she's out stayed her welcome and needs to leave today. If you hint, of course shell ingore you she's a CF.

lhirault · 28/12/2021 09:09

She needs to be given her marching orders immediately.
I had a bit of a similar problem when MILs "little visits" got longer and longer (although I wasn't pregnant or with a newborn at the time!), and it came to a head when a supposed five day visit had stretched to well over a month with no end in sight. Subtle hadn't worked, so I moved out to my parents with my daughter, telling my husband that we'd be back when she had gone. We were back the next day!
She's rude, entitled and will be 10 times worse when the baby arrives. Get rid, or consider moving out yourself. And tell DH to grow a backbone!

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