Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

MIL insisting on moving in to help with newborn

159 replies

whysoserious123 · 27/12/2021 18:51

Just as the title says. My MIL who is lovely and means well has moved in a few weeks ago to help me while I'm pregnant (I'm due anyday) which I did not ask for at all and she has decided she will be staying until atleast the end of January to help me with my newborn.

Now I know I sound ungrateful but the baby is our first child and she moved in with us on the day me and my husband moved to our new house a few weeks ago. We haven't had one day together in our new home before baby comes and I find myself cooped up in my bedroom while my husband and works and my MIL is downstairs with the television. She means well but it's very awkward with me being sick and sometimes having to wait for the bathroom. In the night I get up about 7 times to use the bathroom for sickness or whatever and in the morning she makes a point of how I woke her up.

The house is a mess and the other living room downstairs is out of order as she has brought a load of her things to the house and is expecting to keep it there and have it all moved for her by my husband when she is ready to leave when he should be with his newborn. I don't know how the birth will go and will feel uncomfortable dealing with the realities of post birth with her prescence . Such as breastfeeding bleeding etc ( she has said she will help me shower and has already asked if I need that help now while pregnant)

Silly other things like she turns the heating up so much last months bill was 160 pounds and it's just so much more than we are used to.

I wanted to cook lots of batches of food and freeze it for when baby comes but she has filled the freezer with her food

I feel awkward in my own home and can't think of anything worse than leaving hospital and having to come to my own home and tiptoe around my MIL.

I can't go and get a bottle of water without a 45minutes conversation or a horror story about childbirth

She is not lonely and has a husband and a family. It's not a cultural thing either we are all from and live in England.

My husband has tried to talk to her but it seems to fall on death ears.

Can someone let me know a way we can let her down gentle and let her know she is welcome whenever but me and my husband would love some space to ourselves before the baby comes and especially once baby is here and for us to learn our own way with the baby?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
BlissfullyIgnorant · 27/12/2021 20:26

I got massive alarm bells when I read this post, OP

Against my arguments, my now ex eagerly accepted my DM's offer to move in and 'help'. It was a long time ago now but it didn't go well at all. I couldn't do anything for myself, nobody wanted to hear about how I was feeling, nobody wanted me to do anything for my toddler or my unborn...when I had my CS I was criticised for not 'doing it properly' and wasn't allowed to cuddle my baby for cuddles' sake. I was the feeding machine and my DM took over everything. The last straw was when she started referring to herself as 'Mummy' with my baby, forgetting she was the grandmother. She also cost us a huge fortune and didn't stand by her offers of help, preferring to sit cuddling my little ones and watching tv in between smokes. We had a huge row about her smoking in my house and she basically stood on my doorstep and told me to 'Shove it up your fucking arse' before storming out.
Do the right thing for your baby and get her out. It'll only get worse as time goes on x

Choux · 27/12/2021 20:28

Are you sure she hasn't left her husband? Has she seen him since she moved in? I don't get how she moved in with you the day you moved into the house. Did she offer to help get things sorted in the new house and then never leave?

If he they are still together perhaps get him onside too. If three of you are telling her she has outstayed her welcome she may listen.

BestZebbie · 27/12/2021 20:28

Where is her husband in all this? Is he fully on board with her moving to yours for a couple of months? Could that be a possible point of leverage?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Chloemol · 27/12/2021 20:28

Your partner needs to tell her it’s not working, you need time alone in your new house to organise it ahead of the birth so he will be taking her home at xx time on yy day

Then he takes her, and there is no need for her to return when the baby is born

faithfulbird20 · 27/12/2021 20:34

Do it politely and say her health is getting bad. She doesn't look so well and it's not her age to look after newborn babies. Speak to your husband about her health and act all concerned. Then drop the bomb together and say we promise we shall call you when we need help and trust me we will need help. But for now MIL, look after yourself.

Tee20x · 27/12/2021 20:37

This is absolutely ridiculous and I don't understand how you both have allowed for this to happen. Moving in with you on the day you moved to your new home? Dictating that she's staying till the end of January? She needs to get shown the door mate and that's me putting it politely.

Bringonsummer19 · 27/12/2021 20:38

Come on OP, you’re about to be a mother, grow up and ask what you want.

Lilymossflower · 27/12/2021 20:38

Subtle won't work ! Husband pack the car with her sh*t and tell her to jog the F on

Fredstheteds · 27/12/2021 20:38

As above- your baby , your time very kindly meant but no thanks

escapingthecity · 27/12/2021 20:40

If this is what she's like now, imagine what she will be like when the baby arrives. She'll want to be having all the cuddles, she'll try to stop you BF so she can do the feeds, she's trying to elbow you out of the way. She needs to leave yesterday and wait for your call.

TinyTroubleMaker · 27/12/2021 20:42

Asking nicely isn't going to work. The fact the MIL has done this already shows she's a top class cheeky f*cker. She's going to use all manner of tricks all of which are her way of saying 'no I won't go'. Only a very strong hand is going to work here.

Graphista · 27/12/2021 20:43

Why are you worried about being "gentle" ?

She doesn't care!

I have come across a phrase that sums this up on another thread possibly - favour sharking maybe?

Certainly she's trampling all over your boundaries!

Get her gone! Your husband needs to be MUCH more assertive on your behalf and tell her while she may have meant kindly she wasn't invited and isn't welcome!

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 27/12/2021 20:45

Just say

'As much as you mean to help, I would find it a fucking hindrance counter productive having you present at a very personal bonding time with me and my newborn. The answer is no thank you. I'm sure you understand'

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 27/12/2021 20:46

sorry @Graphista i cross posted with you and you have phrased it much better than i did!

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/12/2021 20:47

I call bullshit on her. If she is complaining about being woken up by your trips to the bathroom, what is going to happen when the baby cries in the night?

Another one wondering about the state of her marriage. I'd be suspicious she's moved in for good.

Now, about that building work you need doing, for the baby's nursery... New bathroom perhaps? Something where the guys are drilling and hammering non-stop for days and days... Whose nerve will crack firstGrin

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 27/12/2021 20:47

Tell MIL to fuck off home and let you breathe. Cheeky woman.

I’m sure you can deliver it in a much softer tone. But if it comes to it, stand your ground.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 27/12/2021 20:51

correction @CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark has the floor..Xmas Grin

well done!

Triphazards · 27/12/2021 20:52

There's no happy ending.

You were soft enough to let her move in, so you're soft enough to let her stay.

Morgan12 · 27/12/2021 20:55

Obviously tell her to go. Or tell your DH to tell her to go. Not much else to do is there? It's pretty obvious.

If she refuses to leave then you leave. That should give your DH a kick on the dick to do something.

NatriumChloride · 27/12/2021 21:00

Oh my gosh! Fuck “being gentle!” Lay down your boundaries now and tell her she needs to leave! Personally I’d get DH to do it, but this sounds terrible! Things will get so, so much worse once you’re postpartum and sleep deprived and hormonal… you need to be comfortable and as happy and as relaxed as you can be. Get her out!

SpiceRat · 27/12/2021 21:01

Can someone let me know a way we can let her down gentle

My husband has tried to talk to her but it seems to fall on death ears.

You’ve tried gentle. It doesn’t work. You need to sit her down and tell her that you do not want her to live with you. The thing is, if you don’t firmly mark your boundaries now, she will be forever stepping over them.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 27/12/2021 21:02

Your dh needs to sit her down and make her listen to the fact that this is just not working for you. She can cry and stamp her feet all she wants, this is such an important time for you and I’m afraid her feelings are just not your primary concern. If she agrees to go nicely she will be welcome to visit after the baby is born. If she wants to be awkward about it she won’t be welcome.

Good luck.

Whathefisgoingon · 27/12/2021 21:07

Oh god. My family wanted to visit straight away and my father (lost my mother when I was a teen) wanted to move in for a short period of time. As they live abroad, I compromised and said we wanted a week just the 3 of us and then he could come.

Looking back, it was helpful having him around as he could watch/feed/cuddle baby so DP and I could have a break in the garden etc, but my partner started to feel down about the situation as he didn’t feel he could go and pick up his own child etc as my dad was always there. It wasn’t like that of course, but it’s how he felt.

As for me, I gave up breastfeeding only a few weeks in as baby struggled to latch and psychologically I couldn’t face hiding away upstairs to pump etc, and didn’t want to whip them out in front of my dad - this is one of my biggest regrets. I truly believe it would have been easier to persevere had I been able to do it in the comfort of my living room with DP.

Put your foot down and tell her she needs to go. She’ll be welcome to visit baby when you are ready but you need the bonding time first.

JustWonderingIfYou · 27/12/2021 21:09

You need to get her out now as you certainly won't have the strength after baby is here.

Sod being tactful just say its wither her or you and make dh do it.

You only get one first baby, don't let her ruin it!

NameChangeCity123 · 27/12/2021 21:13

@escapingthecity

If this is what she's like now, imagine what she will be like when the baby arrives. She'll want to be having all the cuddles, she'll try to stop you BF so she can do the feeds, she's trying to elbow you out of the way. She needs to leave yesterday and wait for your call.
Exactly this. See this time and time again on MN. You need to nip this in the bud now and establish your boundaries before baby arrives or you will resent mil for Ruining your first days as a new mum. You can never get those days back and when you look back in years to come, your memories will all be tainted with resentment. It's also important to stick to your guns or she will walk all over you in future and think she can call the shots. You need to speak up both for yourself and your baby. Good luck