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Original poster

MIL insisting on moving in to help with newborn

159 replies

whysoserious123 · 27/12/2021 18:51

Just as the title says. My MIL who is lovely and means well has moved in a few weeks ago to help me while I'm pregnant (I'm due anyday) which I did not ask for at all and she has decided she will be staying until atleast the end of January to help me with my newborn.

Now I know I sound ungrateful but the baby is our first child and she moved in with us on the day me and my husband moved to our new house a few weeks ago. We haven't had one day together in our new home before baby comes and I find myself cooped up in my bedroom while my husband and works and my MIL is downstairs with the television. She means well but it's very awkward with me being sick and sometimes having to wait for the bathroom. In the night I get up about 7 times to use the bathroom for sickness or whatever and in the morning she makes a point of how I woke her up.

The house is a mess and the other living room downstairs is out of order as she has brought a load of her things to the house and is expecting to keep it there and have it all moved for her by my husband when she is ready to leave when he should be with his newborn. I don't know how the birth will go and will feel uncomfortable dealing with the realities of post birth with her prescence . Such as breastfeeding bleeding etc ( she has said she will help me shower and has already asked if I need that help now while pregnant)

Silly other things like she turns the heating up so much last months bill was 160 pounds and it's just so much more than we are used to.

I wanted to cook lots of batches of food and freeze it for when baby comes but she has filled the freezer with her food

I feel awkward in my own home and can't think of anything worse than leaving hospital and having to come to my own home and tiptoe around my MIL.

I can't go and get a bottle of water without a 45minutes conversation or a horror story about childbirth

She is not lonely and has a husband and a family. It's not a cultural thing either we are all from and live in England.

My husband has tried to talk to her but it seems to fall on death ears.

Can someone let me know a way we can let her down gentle and let her know she is welcome whenever but me and my husband would love some space to ourselves before the baby comes and especially once baby is here and for us to learn our own way with the baby?

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GinIronic · 27/12/2021 19:42

Oh dear! How simply awful.

Notwithittoday · 27/12/2021 19:42

Yes you better get this sorted now before the post partum hormones set in and you’ll have no tolerance for anybody, including yourself 😂

Hotyogahotchoc · 27/12/2021 19:42

Get your DH to tell her you need some space and how often she can come over / what she can do to help. It's a bit silly to simply endure it or hide upside tbh.

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reginacoeli · 27/12/2021 19:43

Please please please get her to leave NOW. Don't let her ruin your first days/weeks with your baby. It's such a special time - all about YOUR bonding with your baby. Please don't let her take this from you!

H1Drangea · 27/12/2021 19:44

Tell your husband to ask her to leave , then, actually make her leave
If she doesn’t go , you will as you can’t cope anymore
I can’t believe the cheek of the woman , and I can’t understand why your husband is allowing her behaviour either

polkadotllama · 27/12/2021 19:44

Jeez how did it even get this far!?
You need to speak up now and nip it in the bud or the pushing boundaries will only get worse when baby gets here and as they get older.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/12/2021 19:44

This is definitely one of those times where an ultimatum will be required -
"DH, it's time for you to decide which woman you want staying in this house - me or your mother? One of us is going to be getting in a car later today and leaving....today. Decide. Now."

Have your bag packed and if needs be, go to a hotel or your own parents house. Whichever is closer.

Make that decision today. Don't let it drag on till January.

TinyTroubleMaker · 27/12/2021 19:45

I would also lay a bet on her being told to leave, and having all manner of excuses why she can't do that so quickly etc. So it needs to be said in no uncertain terms, no leeway, no bargaining. And this is why you need to not just threaten to leave but actually do it. Remove the incentive for her ie at that point she's not going to be in the house with the newborn getting to hold our instead of you all day. She doesn't get to take that away from you. You will be elsewhere, with the baby. You will cope.

TinyTroubleMaker · 27/12/2021 19:45

*hold it

saraclara · 27/12/2021 19:47

What do you mean she insisted? Is your home. None had the right to insist that they move in. Why did neither if you say no? "Sorry, we really want to settle into our home before we have people to stay"

But because you didn't give her that simple response, you're now in the position of having to be firmer. One of you has to step up and say " mum/MIL, we really need some space to have some space to ourselves now. It was kind of you to want to help, but these are our last few days to be a couple, and we'd like it to be just us and baby when we bring her/him home" or something along those lines

Danikm151 · 27/12/2021 19:47

Tell her you need her to leave so you can feel settled into your house before baby arrives. Take her food out the freezer and tell her if you need help you will ask for it

Callingallskeletons · 27/12/2021 19:47

What the actual fuck???
You need to have your DH tell her today she needs to go home tomorrow, how utterly ridiculous

Driposaurus · 27/12/2021 19:48

She will never forgive you(r husband) for what has to be said now which is basically: you need to leave, tomorrow.

But I promise you, you will never forgive yourself for not dealing with this when it is relatively easy - because once that baby arrives, hormones, lack of sleep and everything is going to make it so much worse. And that resentment to her and yourself and to your husband will last for the rest of your life.

But also (and I mean this kindly, and I’ve done it several times) having a baby isn’t that difficult… thousands of women do it every day without having someone move into their house to “help”.

Tbh, I would raise the ultimatum up a bit: either she goes, or you will.

CrazyOldBagLady · 27/12/2021 19:49

Beggars belief this one. How does someone just arrive at your door with a load of stuff and move in? If this is really true I agree with those saying she will ruin that precious time with your new baby. Get her out tomorrow.

DustyMaiden · 27/12/2021 19:55

Tell her you have Covid.

reginacoeli · 27/12/2021 19:57

OP do update us on how things are going, whether she has left yet. I'm feeling so stressed on your behalf! In my experience it is so, so important in the early days with a new baby that you feel complete safe and comfortable where you are. Your hormones will make you feel extremely protective of your baby and this could cause immense stress in an environment where you feel you are having to hide away!

ChateauMargaux · 27/12/2021 19:57

I am a doula and I see all sorts of relationships.. if you feel uncomfortable in your own home, it can affect your birth.. I have met women who needed to be induced because they felt watched and others who struggled to bond with their babies and to breastfeed as their parenting instincts were undermined by the presence of their mother / mother in law. There are relationships where the mother / mother in law bond is truly supportive and positive.. this does not sound like one of them.

Find out how her birth was, what her relationship with her mother / mother in law was and how she interacted with them around the birth of her children.... I often find that reminding the older generation that they did not have the relationship their are trying to impose on their children, with their own mothers / in laws... can help reframe the situation.

Think about what you would like... food deliveries.. visits that last for 24 / 48 hours.... tasks that need doing in the house... send her out on errands..

It is tricky, I sent my mother to stay with my sister when I was due with my first, she had agreed to come when she was invited but arrived anyway, got someone to carry out repairs on my house (literally messed with the roof over my head when I needed to feel secure) and months later said she felt unwelcome... I told her in no uncertain terms that I had tried to be clear about when she was welcome and when I needed space and she was unable to hear me.. so yes, at that time she was unwelcome but should be able to understand why. She had her own issues with her relationship with her mother who wasn't the mother she wanted her to be. I just hope I can learn from this and be a better mother / MIL when my children come to have their own children.

Good luck.. don't let her ruin the birth and early days of your baby's life.

EwwSprouts · 27/12/2021 20:02

Time to be blunt. You tell your DH her kindness is misplaced and making you uncomfortable. He needs to have the conversation with her not you as she will take it better from her own flesh and blood. If desperate a night in a Premier Inn will prove your point that he is at a crossroads.

Wimblingwombling · 27/12/2021 20:07

Errmmm...., this is bonkers. Your husband needs to sort it out ASAP. Totally his responsibility to clearly tell his mum that it isn’t the time for her to be there

NynaeveSedai · 27/12/2021 20:10

How the fuck did she get to the point of moving in without you telling her no?!

Truthseeker456 · 27/12/2021 20:12

Your husband needs to speak to her

Scotabroad24 · 27/12/2021 20:15

Not ungrateful at all!
Your DH needs to get her out either politely or by packing her stuff for her!
First baby should be a special time between you two, not with MIL hanging around and overstepping. We were living with my parents when DS was born as our house was being renovated, they gave us plenty space and never gave advice/tried to help unless asked and even that felt odd and I would have much preferred if the 3 of us were alone in our own home.
You won't get this precious time back with your first DC so this situation needs to be dealt with.

GrendelsGrandma · 27/12/2021 20:16

She needs to be out. Get DH to sort it out.

Parenthood challenges you to make decisions for yourself and stand up for what you believe in. Start now. Otherwise you'll be seething while she tries to impose her views about feeding, dummies, clothes, etc etc etc

It's your baby. You need to fight to create a safe space for it to grow. This is obviously not working for you so sort it out.

faithfulbird20 · 27/12/2021 20:17

This temporary stay may turn permanent!

ArrrMeHearties · 27/12/2021 20:21

Tell her to pack her bags and leave now! You need your house back

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