Everyone thinks he's a girl

[Babyboy2020]

I'm not really sure why this bothers me, because it sure as anything doesn't bother my son, as he's 15 months old.

He has THE most gorgeous head of hair. Double ringlets at the back, dark, shiny, thick, wild hair. Everyone has commented on it from almost the day he was born. I can almost tie it back in a pony tail now, and usually I clip back the front or give him a hair band to keep it out of his eyes. Its his thing. He looks older because of it, and it gives this child who I adore and has so much character, even more so.

As the year has gone on, more people have said things such as 'she's beautiful 'what gorgeous hair she has etc.

The first few times it genuinely didn't bother me but it's now a daily occurrence at the supermarket etc. To add to it, my very conservative father asks me, without fail, every time we see him (once a week ish) why I haven't cut his hair yet/when am I cutting his hair.

Now my son has no concept of gender at 15 months, the comments are not damaging his sense of self in any way or making him feel insecure about who he is. He might not be able to see properly all the time due to the fuzzy fringe in his eyes.. but thats a different issue.

It would break my heart to cut it. It's his thing and I adore his wild hair. Especially after a bath when it's super curly and he looks a bit feral

I do want him to be able to see properly now he is walking. And I genuinely am not sure why, but the constant mistaken gender is annoying me. I think perhaps because I am proud of my son, of his crazy hair. He is beautiful. Exactly how he is, for who he is. And I'm tired of the awkward correcting people, or ignoring it, which takes something away from the moment of being able to enjoy someone commenting positively on my child. I just want that to be a simple pleasure. After an only child, a lockdown baby i couldn't share in person with the world.

My hairdresser friend said if I don't want to cut it, all I could do was clip it back or use a hairband. Both of these methods make him look more feminine which is adding to the issue. Even crocodile hairclips, or shark ones.. same issue.

He can do as he pleases when he's older. Its his hair and I want him to be happy. I don't want him bullied. Or made fun of as he grows. I also don't want him to resent me for cutting it when he's older, or not cutting it. Totally over thinking it now.

What would you do?

When people take a bog-standard parenting decision such as the length of a child's hair and start talking about how a mother is projecting, it is usually done as a way to dismiss the mother (which is why on this thread it's conveniently only used when parents have chosen to have their son's hair long, along with other sexist arguments about boys being twee or wet if their hair is a few inches longer than the manly ideal some posters seem to cling to).

Funny that. My 1 yo daughter has had a head full of hair since birth, I dress her in dresses (admittedly some are blue), frilly stuff, bows and hearts and people still comment on my cute little boy.

I sometimes wonder if people just think that all babies they see are the same sex as their own child or something... dunno why

Thanks to this thread, I got out my hairdressing scissors which have been used to trim kids hair at home through the years...got my youngest hair trimmed, no hair in his eyes now but still has some curls left. I have sealed some in an envelope to cherish. His first hair cut at 4yo🥰

Be brave if you dare😂

Children really don't start looking like boys or girls until they've started puberty. They're completely androgynous, which is why hair and clothing are indicating he looks more like a girl.

Either get over it and keep his hair long, or cut his hair .

People thinking he’s a girl isn’t thinking he’s weaker, or not as good, but you give the impression that’s how you feel.

My almost 3 year old has blond curly hair with a fringe. He is dressed in bright clothes and often in yellow so people have mistaken him for a girl. Meh I don't care, his curls won't last forever and he suits bright colours.

RobinPenguins
Unfortunately a poster on this thread said that boys with longer hair are seen as twee and wet by most people.
We've also had the gem that longer hair on young boys is projection from their mothers (interestingly never the parents or father), and that men with long hair are different, and not twee or wet because they won't be mistaken for a woman.

Personally I think most people don't spend that much time caring about other people's haircuts, but it would seem longer hair on boys draws out some internalised misogyny in some parts of society.

My son too. He had blond hair in ringlets,one eyelashes and the sweetest blue eyes and button nose. Even in a boys sailors outfit everyone called him she.
Now he's a 6 foot 3 giant with a big beard and a motorbike lol.

If he looks like a girl, ignore the comments. If you can’t do that, do what you can to make him look less like a girl.

There aren’t really any other options

What you really want is to control what other people think and say. Which is absolutely not an option.

Personally I think most people don't spend that much time caring about other people's haircuts

Well you’re still here going on about it Lola 🙄

I do think long hair on little boys looks a bit wet & twee. Not that it makes them wet & twee, that’s ridiculous. From a purely aesthetic perspective I think it looks a bit silly. It isn’t internalised misogyny, I also think impractically long hair on little girls looks scruffy.

You don’t need to overanalyse everything, sometimes people just do or don’t like something. I mean if you dig deep enough all our opinions come from some kind of bias 🤷🏼‍♀️

My DD is 18m with next to no hair and has always been referred to as a boy by strangers. Even when wearing 'girl clothes'. People
Don't stop to think or check for a moment before they speak and I don't really expect them
to because, it's actually not that important. I just let them get on with it, sometimes I correct them but mostly I don't because whether this complete stranger knows the correct gender of my child or not has no impact on my life.

I think it’s interesting that twice in your OP you’ve said ‘it’s his thing’. He’s a toddler, there is no one thing that defines him. Neither should there be as he gets older. Don’t make his hair a statement, don’t make it a talking point. He sounds like a gorgeous child, cut his hair so you don’t have to faff with clips etc and he can run about and enjoy himself.

Well you’re still here going on about it Lola🙄

Questioning blatant misogyny that underpins people choosing to view little boys a certain way because their hair isn't cut short isn't caring about people's hair cuts. It's challenging misogyny.

Pretending it's about practicality doesn't really wash once you've decided that long hair on boys is wet and twee, and now silly.

There's going to be some fairly big knots getting tied up if there's two young children (and we've established boys and girls as young children don't look that different at that age) with the same length, non-impractical hair are viewed differently by you once you know the sex of the child.
How a haircut becomes twee or wet or silly on learning the child in front of you has a penis rather than a vagina is beyond me, unless it's rooted in sexist stereotyping.

It's not overanalysing to point out that the reason some people get bothered about boys not having short hair is because it's tied up in attitudes to women and femininity. It's just another branch on the tree where men/boys shouldn't show their feelings, because that's emotions, and women are emotional, and we couldn't have men/boys doing anything associated with womanhood or girl hood because that would make them weak.

It's right to challenge sexism.

I have a little boy with long hair, I love his blonde waves and don't want to cut them all off! He does get mistaken for a girl when people first meet him, but I expect that and just say, "Oh, hes a boy." I understand why people make the assumption so it doesn't bother me.

I will say though, that his Dad also has hair down to his mid back. I do think this stops people from asking if we're planning to cut DS's hair, and normalises long hair on men to our kids, so DS's long hair feels like less of "thing" iyswim.

My DS is 7 and gets mistaken for a girl all the time, though he is not remotely 'girly' he just has long hair. I never left it to go in his eyes though and I tie it up every morning for school. I don't think I'd have left it long when he was younger just for practical reasons really. It's a pita getting a brush through it when it's wet! With 2 boys I didn't think (naively) I'd have to deal with hair.

Forgot to say if DS ever hears anyone calling him a girl or she, he corrects them

Crikey moses. Well that blew up, didn't it?

Firstly, let's clear a few things up.

Any reference to wild hair or him looking 'feral' is clearly (or so I thought!) tounge in cheek. My son is clean, bathed, dressed well, and loved. His hair is wild, because that's the way it naturally grows. And I unapologetically love it.

I absolutely know my son is a person, of his own volition, and passionately will make decisions in his best interests with his personality, likes, dislikes and character in mind. I do not define him by his hair - that's absurd.

He is funny, happy, cheeky, loves music.. those are personality characteristics I did not feel the need to list or discuss as this was a question about cutting his hair. I hardly think that's the same thing as defining him solely by his hair.

'It's his thing' meaning it is the thing people notice first about my son. Closely followed by his happy nature. He clearly doesn't have 'a thing' himself yet - he's a toddler! That doesn't make it 'my thing' either for goodness sake. I do love his hair, and I love that other people love it. My son spreads joy, and that is a wonderful thing. What I don't love is that they assume he is a girl rather than seeing him for the beautiful, curly haired, happy boy that he is.

It's not that important. Hence why I posted on mumsnet. I simply wondered what other people would do bearing in mind he does not yet have capacity to make a decision on a haircut himself. Despite and because of, his age, I carefully consider his best interests where he cannot communicate a preference or need over or for something.

If I let his hair fall naturally it would be in front of his eyes all the time, so I clip it back, or use a hairband during the day so it's not in his eyes. Hardly cruel, I would think. Unfortunately, despite dinosaur headbands and neutral clips, any sort of hair 'accessory' no matter how practical, seems to further the assumption that he is a girl. Which is why I'd like to find a better solution.

Because, as much as I'd like to 'grow a thick skin' the comments have recently begun to bother me. I won't apologise for not being thick skinned. It's who I am. I trust, and hope that others for the most part are respectful, courteous and thoughtful. If not, I decide whether I want to interact with them.

As with us all, I would think, comments about our children are the ones capable of resonating the loudest.

I'm not sure why it bothers me, because right now my son doesn't have a single concept of gender. Probably because I am conscious of his emerging sense of self. Obviously, I do not want that damaged, in respect of whomever he may become as he grows.

For the PP who suggested I think being female is somehow worse than being male... how bloody ridiculous. I am female. And bloody proud of everything that entails. Moreover, my husband and I fully intend to raise a son who sees the equal value of women. Unfortunately, we live in an overtly misogynistic world where 'you look like a girl', when said to a little boy is NEVER a compliment. Unfortunately, these comments come from men AND women.

It is JUST hair.. but that's my point. It's not is it?? As this thread has shown. Longer hair, on boys seems to spark a shed load of controversy, which is a shame because IT'S JUST HAIR.

A projection, onto my son? Christ. Ignoring the fact that my husband, his father, has equal input here.. of course his hair style is our decision, at 15 months he cannot make his own so we have a duty of care. And we are unlikely to make a decision we aren't in favour of, are we.. If it's cold.. I'll make a choice to put him in a jumper, because it's in his best interest. But the choice of jumper in some part is a projection of our style as his parents. I might give him a choice of junper as he gets older, but it's not as if he will be choosing and buying his own in his individual style for a few years.

We have been fortunate to have been gifted many clothes from friends and family as their sons have grown out of them. I wouldn't say he is dressed in an overly masculine way, but I also can't say he owns a pink top with a unicorn on it. It's mostly blue, dinosaurs, woodland animal type prints, jeans, collared tops. Even on days where we have been out and he is dressed head to foot in blue, we have still had the odd 'she's so pretty' comment.

If he expresses a preference to cut his hair or grow it I will facilitate that either way, it's his hair. In the meantime I have to make a judgement call.

People always look for visual clues as it's hard to tell with babies. My DS was always mistaken as he was in a red coat- changed the coat and never mistaken again (also had gorgeous curls). May be chargeable clothes, or a badge with his name or something.

Ignore your father. Time for him to keep up with the world in my view.

Well I don't think boys with too long hair look great. For balance I think girls with long hair also look samey samey and it's very boring. I like a girl with a shorter cut, but that's just me.

I think it gets to the point where all you see is the hair and not the person.

I haven’t read all of this since the first time I commented but I’ll reiterate that I feel you are going have to simply find a way to let this one go.
You cannot control a strangers assumptions or first impressions of your child. You can only control your reactions to it.
Your happy with him the way he is so what does it matter. It will happen less and less as he grows. People don’t always look wry hard and they take their cues from their social conditioning and expectations. People generally still expect long hair to be a female trait.
Politely correct them if you wish but try not to dwell.

@Smartiepants79 you're absolutely right. Its really not a huge thing in my life (I work part time, have a husband and a house and a toddler with never ending energy) I guess I just wanted to see if I was doing something overtly terrible to him by not cutting his hair as I've had a few more direct comments in the last few days than just the usual supermarket cashier gender mistakes. I wondered if other mums out there with boys who have longer hairstyles had similar experiences and if so how they dealt with it.

I'd post a photo but I don't share photos of him online as a rule. He's a stunner, but every mum thinks that of their own!

@LolaSmiles that's just it, isn't it. I'm aware people have those beliefs and as much as I love my sons hair the way it naturally is, I don't want him hurt by others - whether they intend it through malice or subject him to it through ignorance. At the same time I don't want to feel like I'm doing something I don't actually want to do because 'society says I should'

It just sounds like a lot of angst over hair though. Realistically you can keep it long for the look you like and people will sometimes confuse him for a girl, or cut it short and people will generally know he’s a boy.

I don’t think it’s really something to be anxious/vexed over - he isn’t going to know or care that some random woman in Tesco thought he was a girl.

When you're out, I'd put a beanie style hat on him push it on from the front so it pulls his fringe back and under the hat.

When people say oh isn't she pretty say yes he is, thank you. Some people won't notice, that's fine. Some will say pardon, just say I agree he is gorgeous, he's a boy. They apologise, you say it's fine, the moment passes.

DS has been confused for a girl since babyhood cos he's so pretty. He's 6 with shoulder length hair and he's still very pretty. Not handsome. It occasionally happens, he doesn't notice but would just laugh and say he's a boy if he did.