Everyone thinks he's a girl

[Babyboy2020]

I'm not really sure why this bothers me, because it sure as anything doesn't bother my son, as he's 15 months old.

He has THE most gorgeous head of hair. Double ringlets at the back, dark, shiny, thick, wild hair. Everyone has commented on it from almost the day he was born. I can almost tie it back in a pony tail now, and usually I clip back the front or give him a hair band to keep it out of his eyes. Its his thing. He looks older because of it, and it gives this child who I adore and has so much character, even more so.

As the year has gone on, more people have said things such as 'she's beautiful 'what gorgeous hair she has etc.

The first few times it genuinely didn't bother me but it's now a daily occurrence at the supermarket etc. To add to it, my very conservative father asks me, without fail, every time we see him (once a week ish) why I haven't cut his hair yet/when am I cutting his hair.

Now my son has no concept of gender at 15 months, the comments are not damaging his sense of self in any way or making him feel insecure about who he is. He might not be able to see properly all the time due to the fuzzy fringe in his eyes.. but thats a different issue.

It would break my heart to cut it. It's his thing and I adore his wild hair. Especially after a bath when it's super curly and he looks a bit feral

I do want him to be able to see properly now he is walking. And I genuinely am not sure why, but the constant mistaken gender is annoying me. I think perhaps because I am proud of my son, of his crazy hair. He is beautiful. Exactly how he is, for who he is. And I'm tired of the awkward correcting people, or ignoring it, which takes something away from the moment of being able to enjoy someone commenting positively on my child. I just want that to be a simple pleasure. After an only child, a lockdown baby i couldn't share in person with the world.

My hairdresser friend said if I don't want to cut it, all I could do was clip it back or use a hairband. Both of these methods make him look more feminine which is adding to the issue. Even crocodile hairclips, or shark ones.. same issue.

He can do as he pleases when he's older. Its his hair and I want him to be happy. I don't want him bullied. Or made fun of as he grows. I also don't want him to resent me for cutting it when he's older, or not cutting it. Totally over thinking it now.

What would you do?

Problem is that applies to most people 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s not ideal. It is what it is.
I don't think it does apply to most people.

I think a lot of people associate long hair primarily with girls/women, but it's increasingly common for men to have a range of hair styles and that included longer hair.

I don't think it's common to see a young boy with longer hair and assume that makes him a bit wet and twee.
It would be a funny level of stupidity to look at a child with particular length hair (probably dressed in reasonably unisex clothing) and change your opinion on how the child looks and their personality based on whether the child's genitals match your assumotions about the child's genitals.

I can see the thought process already: what a lovely cute little girl, she's got beautiful curls, she's so beautiful... oh he's a boy, in which case the hair might be nice but how twee and wet. My view has changed now I know the child has a penis.

If it’s not common then why are people asking OP if he’s a girl?

@RedDeadRoach

Anytime you see a young kid with long (usually curly-ish) hair it’s for the parents sake, it’s annoying having messy hair flapping about your face, just cut it and focus on something else, it’s really not a big deal.

And you'd say that about a girl with masses of ringlets too would you? Doubt it.

I wouldn’t give a shit, really. 😊 hth

When my eldest son was little, he had a mass of blonde ringlets, which I let grow fairly long. People often thought he was a girl, although he wore clothes traditionally made for boys (it was the 80s). My MIL used to keep telling me to have it cut. He had it cut when he was about 7 (never once had it in a ponytail though).

Now, he's 40, got thick, wavy black hair and has it short.

Even in these days of blurred gender , people are going to think long curly hair = girl. It shows we're not as enlightened as people like to think (which is not necessarily a bad thing - depends on context).

Just cut his hair. If you regret the decision, you know it will grow back, right?

If it’s not common then why are people asking OP if he’s a girl?
You've asserted that boys having long hair is twee and wet, and that most people think this. I disagree.
I highly doubt everyone she comes into contact with has a discussion about how twee and wet her child's hair is because he is a boy with longer hair.

Most people I know who dress their children in unisex clothes have had their child mistaken for the opposite sex. Other than a quick 'she's a girl/he's a boy' the conversation tends to move on because young children look quite similar unless presented in line with narrow gender stereotyped codes.

Adults who would swap from 'what lovely beautiful hair' to 'how twee and wet' need to look at themselves because they have serious hangups.

If most people don’t think it @LolaSmiles then why do most people cut their boys hair short?

Sounds to me like you've forgotten your son is a person, not your dolly-dress-up. Grow your own hair in long ringlets if you like them so much.

His hair clearly needs cutting. Cut it, and save the first curl in a locket.

I would care about the comments.
I also don’t like long hair so I would cut it.
I think you are putting your own stuff on him. All the best.

If most people don’t think it @LolaSmiles then why do most people cut their boys hair short?

There's social convention about male and female hair.I haven't disputed that.

I'm challenging the idea that a boy with longer hair is viewed as wet and twee, and that you think most people view boys with long hair in this way.

It's getting worryingly close to hitting a nice bit of misogyny: long hair is associated with girls, girls are twee and wet, boys must not do anything associated with girls because that makes them twee and wet.

I think most people manage to realise that boys, girls, men and women can have their hair long, short and a range of styles and colours.

My 4yo has blonde ringlets and so loathed to get it cut. I get it OP.

He has expressed an interest in getting a haircut due to siblings in the family going to the barbers etc. So I may relent....

My eldest son is 14yo and has long dark brown hair. He said he doesn't want to cut it.

@LolaSmiles I think you’re going down the ‘world as I would like it to be’ road, whereas I’m ‘world as it is’.

He has expressed an interest in getting a haircut due to siblings in the family going to the barbers etc. So I may relent....

Why would you need to relent? It's his hair, if he wants it cut why would you think it's your decision to keep it long.

This is the vibe I'm also getting from the OP. Her poor kid has hair in his eyes but because his mum is precious over him having long hair he has to keep it long and not be able to see rather than have it short and be able to play and walk unencumbered. It's such an odd attitude.

LolaSmiles I think you’re going down the ‘world as I would like it to be’ road, whereas I’m ‘world as it is’.
Far from it.
When I go through life I see men and women with a range of hair styles, same for girls and boys. Most people do likewise and probably don't give their haircuts of other people that much thought, certainly not to the point of deeming a young boy twee and wet because his hair is longer than they might choose.

I highly doubt anyone's looking at the men at the gym with man buns and thinking they're twee and wet, but maybe most people do because longer hair is awfully feminine and that makes the man twee and wet.

Maybe my colleague with a pixie crop isn't just a woman with short hair. Maybe you can enlighten us on what personality trait she has in the eyes of society because short hair is manly.

At the very least you have to make sure he can see properly at all times. This takes priority over what you think is cute…

@LolaSmiles not at all, I think a grown man with long hair is a bit different to a small boy with long hair. Firstly a grown man can make his own decisions regarding his hair, he isn’t being projected on by his mother. Secondly people are unlikely to mistake a grown man with long hair for a woman. Same goes for a woman with short hair.

When kids are little they lack that definition so it’s easier for somebody to mistake them for the opposite sex.

@LolaSmiles not at all, I think a grown man with long hair is a bit different to a small boy with long hair. Firstly a grown man can make his own decisions regarding his hair, he isn’t being projected on by his mother. Secondly people are unlikely to mistake a grown man with long hair for a woman. Same goes for a woman with short hair.
None of that explains you insistence that most people view boys with longer hair as twee and wet, unless it really does boil down to wonderful misogyny:

1. Longer hair is associated with girls, girls are twee and wet so if a boy has longer hair then he is twee and wet. A grown man wouldn't look like a woman so that means he can have long hair without being twee and wet, which means the whole stupid twee and wet argument is based on the idea that girls are twee, wet and not something to be associated with.
2. Boys are supposed to have short hair (because if they they longer hair then see point 1) so if they don't have short hair it must be 'projection' from their mother.

Why is a boy having longer hair 'projection' from their mother (notice, mother, never parents or father), but not projection if the parents choose to cut his hair short? Sounds like the argument there is that boys should have short hair because they just do.

When kids are little they lack that definition so it’s easier for somebody to mistake them for the opposite sex..
I've already said that and said that the same happens in unisex clothing
But you insist that most people view boys with longer hair as twee and wet, which is very different.

I'd put it in ponytail and then, if he'd allow, a hat on top to keep any flyaway bits out of his face. I wouldn't fight to keep it on, but mine generally liked hats.

Oddly, that's what my teen DS1 often does with his shoulder blade length hair now when he's out to keep his hair in check, though sometimes he lets his long fringe stick out (as he's also a firm mask wearer, there are times he looks very concealed).

I get the not wanting to cut the hair. I had that, though there were no curls here and there were some conflicting cultural feelings involved and ended up pushing it until about 3, but all my kids have gone through periods of wanting really short hair. My DD2 shaved her head for a few years (she enjoyed shaving patterns into it during lockdown, now she does microbangs).

Like others, I sometimes look back at old photos and think they'd probably have found it more comfortable if I'd trimmed it sooner and really, they didn't care anywhere near as much as I did. Getting them to stay still for it may be another issue though...

@LolaSmiles in fairness I think that most hairstyles in pre-school children (and probably above) are projections from the mother. I’m not even sure it’s a projection of gender as much as a biological urge to keep a baby ‘whole’ and untarnished.

Let’s face it, the easiest and cleanest hair style is short for both girls and boys at that age. One of the advantages of DD’s lack of hair till much later on was the wipe clean nature of her head!

My son has similar hair we used to do a man bun when he was this age. It didn't look as feminine as a pony tail.

Is it hard to keep it detangled? That was the reason we ended up cutting my son's.

It depends how much it bothers you, if you are upset by the girl comments you could just dress him in very "boyish" clothes?

Cornettoninja
Is it projection though or preference? Nobody would say it's projection if parents chose to keep their daughter's hair short, or a daughter has long hair, or if they chose to cut their son's hair short. Something about boys with longer hair seems to hit a nerve with some people.

It's very interesting that people are very willing to say that everyone views a boy with longer hair as twee and wet, and that he only has longer hair because his mum is projecting. Lots seems very grounded in misogyny.

In reality a lot of people don't care that much about other people's hairstyles and it's really common to not tell the sex of a young child unless the parent presents their child alone very clear gender stereotypes. Most people aren't going through life assessing a child's personality by hair observations whilst being an armchair psychologist about the mum because both of those are weird.

Projection of a preference then? Few to none babies/toddlers give a fig about their hair or appearance in general. Conforming to a stereotype or rejecting one purely for aesthetic reasons is a statement by the parent at those ages.

Regarding hair specifically, long or wild hair doesn’t have any real benefit beyond the appearance of it at those ages and is arguably a hinderance to any gender. The owner of the hair is highly unlikely to have a preference about their hairstyle beyond the immediate practicalities of caring for it.

My toddler is 20mo and has beautiful ringlets, we cut his fridge and to me he looks totally like a boy, I know clothes don’t have a gender but we definitely dress him in clothes that are from the boys section of shop, but every single day he is referred to as a girl by a stranger ‘oh she’s gorgeous’ ‘her hair is lovely’ ‘what’s her name’. Every single day. It doesn’t bother me at all.

I make sure his hair is cut so it’s not in his eyes and once he tells me he wants it cut he can have it cut, but whilst I’m ‘in charge’ of his hair, it’s staying as is.

@PinkWaferBiscuit

He has expressed an interest in getting a haircut due to siblings in the family going to the barbers etc. So I may relent....

Why would you need to relent? It's his hair, if he wants it cut why would you think it's your decision to keep it long.

This is the vibe I'm also getting from the OP. Her poor kid has hair in his eyes but because his mum is precious over him having long hair he has to keep it long and not be able to see rather than have it short and be able to play and walk unencumbered. It's such an odd attitude.

It's inevitable it will get cut in the near future, as it's getting in his eyes so will make life easier for him.

I think several posters have a good point, it's really about putting my own preference on to him. If he really loves long hair, he can grow it back when he is older.