Everyone thinks he's a girl

[Babyboy2020]

I'm not really sure why this bothers me, because it sure as anything doesn't bother my son, as he's 15 months old.

He has THE most gorgeous head of hair. Double ringlets at the back, dark, shiny, thick, wild hair. Everyone has commented on it from almost the day he was born. I can almost tie it back in a pony tail now, and usually I clip back the front or give him a hair band to keep it out of his eyes. Its his thing. He looks older because of it, and it gives this child who I adore and has so much character, even more so.

As the year has gone on, more people have said things such as 'she's beautiful 'what gorgeous hair she has etc.

The first few times it genuinely didn't bother me but it's now a daily occurrence at the supermarket etc. To add to it, my very conservative father asks me, without fail, every time we see him (once a week ish) why I haven't cut his hair yet/when am I cutting his hair.

Now my son has no concept of gender at 15 months, the comments are not damaging his sense of self in any way or making him feel insecure about who he is. He might not be able to see properly all the time due to the fuzzy fringe in his eyes.. but thats a different issue.

It would break my heart to cut it. It's his thing and I adore his wild hair. Especially after a bath when it's super curly and he looks a bit feral

I do want him to be able to see properly now he is walking. And I genuinely am not sure why, but the constant mistaken gender is annoying me. I think perhaps because I am proud of my son, of his crazy hair. He is beautiful. Exactly how he is, for who he is. And I'm tired of the awkward correcting people, or ignoring it, which takes something away from the moment of being able to enjoy someone commenting positively on my child. I just want that to be a simple pleasure. After an only child, a lockdown baby i couldn't share in person with the world.

My hairdresser friend said if I don't want to cut it, all I could do was clip it back or use a hairband. Both of these methods make him look more feminine which is adding to the issue. Even crocodile hairclips, or shark ones.. same issue.

He can do as he pleases when he's older. Its his hair and I want him to be happy. I don't want him bullied. Or made fun of as he grows. I also don't want him to resent me for cutting it when he's older, or not cutting it. Totally over thinking it now.

What would you do?

I’d take him to a good hairdresser who can trim it sympathetically and keep it as a mop but get it into a shape that isn’t going to be constantly in his way.

The girl/boy thing is just one of those things I think. Dd was mistaken for a boy quite a lot, even when dressed in the most girlish outfits possible! She was basically bald until she was three so that went on for a while….. she had a fab collection of hats and is still partial! I wouldn’t take it so negatively, people are just trying to say something positive about your dc in passing but it’s not the done thing to refer to babies/toddlers as ‘it’. Let’s face it, quite a high percentage of them are ambiguous for quite a while!

If you continue with this attitude you will teach your child that their appearance defines them.

@00100001

What would I do?

Cut it.

Yep me too

All small children get called by other sex pronoun all the time. I’ve had my toddler girl with a bob and a pink dress called “he” as well as short haired boys called “she”. Most people are just going through their lives and kicking out the odd “he’s adorable” comment to be polite or make conversation without actually taking that much notice. They don’t actually care. I’m not a fan of long straggly hair on small kids because it can be annoying and impractical but if it’s your “thing” then do what you like. It’s a bit tragic to substitute a haircut for a personality though. I know loads of people who gush about their “surfer dude” with ringlets or curls they can’t bear to cut but it generally doesn’t become a battleground until the children are much older and at 15 months your parents choose your haircut. I know a 12yo “surfer dude” who still isn’t allowed to choose and it is an issue (one likely to be solved with kitchen scissors before long).

I cut it so he can see without hairbands, which must be annoying but the rest doesn't matter.

I remember one woman who assumed DS1 was a girl. When I told her he wasn't she said "oh no he's far too beautiful to be a boy"

I love boys with long hair, his sounds adorable.

That said, I’d give it a trim. You don’t need to lip it all off, just make it more manageable and practical.

Get over the mistaken gender stuff. It’s gender - prevailing society’s perception. You don’t need to let it bother you, it’s totally irrelevant.

@Babyboy2020 Does it really matter? 😬 My 13m old DS has a wild head of hair. Very thick, curly at the back and all over the place everywhere else 🤣 People mistake him for a girl all the time - it’s really not the end of the world.
He’s an absolute wild child that doesn’t sit still for a second and I have no doubt whatsoever that the second I sit him down (or take him to a hairdresser) to try and cut it that all he’ll will break loose so I’m currently avoiding it 🤣 it doesn’t sit near his eyes so isn’t causing him any issues but the second it comes near his eyes I’ll be going the route of @00100001 and cutting it 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I think you’re making a bigger issue that you need to OP. If it’s annoying him and you need to clip it back, it needs cut.

Mistaken gender honestly has not a lot to do with hair. You could strap a sign on a toddlers head stating their gender and someone would still get it wrong. You've just got to let it go, they don't mean harm.
It does sound like it could do with a little trim, just to keep it out of his eyes, but if you're both happy with it long leave it long.
I would just be careful about placing so much worth on his hair though, as you don't want him to grow up thinking that his hair plays a big part in who he is. You can love it, but if he ever wants it cutting then don't get all emotional.

@peboh

Mistaken gender honestly has not a lot to do with hair. You could strap a sign on a toddlers head stating their gender and someone would still get it wrong. You've just got to let it go, they don't mean harm. It does sound like it could do with a little trim, just to keep it out of his eyes, but if you're both happy with it long leave it long. I would just be careful about placing so much worth on his hair though, as you don't want him to grow up thinking that his hair plays a big part in who he is. You can love it, but if he ever wants it cutting then don't get all emotional.

This is a good point.

17yo DS2 has the most beautiful shoulder length thick wavy "strawberry blonde" hair, except that like his father before him, it's already starting to recede...

This thread reminded me of the lyrics to Hair, the title song of the 1960s musical.
The whole song was a eulogy to long hair on a man, and included lines like
Flow it, show it,
long as God can grow it,
My hair.

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself
My hair.

I want it long straight curly fuzzy
Snaggy shaggy ratty matty
Oily greasy fleecy
Shining streaming gleaming
Flaxen, waxen, knotted polka dotted
Twisted beaded braided
Powdered flowered and confettied
Bangled tangled spangled and spaghettied
My hair!

My hair like Jesus wore it,
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother
Love my hair!

He's your baby, OP. You aren't forced to accept dated stereotypes on his behalf.
When he's older he will decide for himself.
As plenty of men have always done, from Hells Angels to premier league footballers- and nobody questions their masculinity!

The thing is toddlers and babies don't have faces which reveal if they're a boy or girl, they could be either. The only thing that will indicate to members of the public whether they are a boy or girl are their clothes and hairstyles... therefore if you don't want to conform to societies conventions (which is your choice and absolutely fine) then don't be offended if people get it wrong.

You only really have two choices - cut his hair or learn to ignore the mistaken gender identity. Hairbands and hair clips are definitely not going to help with the being mistaken for a girl!

But I agree with PP, at least trim the bits that are getting in his eyes. Leave the ringlets at the back if you want.

Everyone I know who dressed their children in reasonably unisex clothing had their child mistaken for the opposite sex at some point. It's really no big deal.

Your child having hair that affects his ability to see is a big deal though. Why can't you take him to the hairdressers and have it cut in a way that means he can see? Women manage to have haircuts where long hair is compatible with seeing where they're walking. It's not difficult to arrange

" He might not be able to see properly all the time due to the fuzzy fringe in his eyes.. but thats a different issue."

You really need to cut his fringe so he can see properly otherwise it's not fair on him.

My youngest used to get called a girl all the time, and still does occasionally. I dress him fairly gender neutral. He also has longer than average and curly hair. I love it and he loves it too. But when it's getting to the stage of getting in his eyes, I always trim his fringe. I find having hair in my eyes annoying and I can see he does too as he pushes it out. So I would address that issue, you don't want him to want a full haircut because his hair is annoying him.
About being called a girl, if it's someone we won't see again, I used to mostly ignore it when he was smaller. Now he's 2.5 I correct most of the time because he knows he's a boy. If it was someone we would likely see again, such as at a toddler group, I would always correct because if you leave it too long it gets awkward to correct down the line.
It's perfectly reasonable to correct nicely though, just a simple "oh thank you, he's a boy actually, don't worry, he gets it all the time!" Seems to do the trick. Acknowledge the compliment, quickly correct, show it's no big deal and you aren't offended. Unless you are offended I guess, but it's not like being a girl is a bad thing.

My son had lovely long hair as a toddler. He was always mistaken for a girl - but how are people supposed to tell? At that age, there aren't many if any sex specific differences so people tend to go by how the parents present them. It actually gave me an insight into my own gender biases and those of random strangers. For example, my son was playing aged 2 or 3 on a large swing with some other young boys and clearly loving it. One of their dads kept telling his son to be gentle and not push the swing so high as there was a little girl on the swing. This is obviously sexist but perhaps I wouldn't have noticed it so much if my son actually had been a girl! We cut his hair the day before he started school though as I thought it would be easier for him if he didn't have to deal with his new class all assuming he was a girl!

I don’t really believe a toddler can ‘love’ their hair or have any concept of personal style. It’s all for the mums really because through their mum glasses their little boy looks adorable with long hair, whereas to be honest to me it looks a bit odd. I also don’t think the boys will be pleased with their baby photos when they’re grown men.

Glassofshloer
Mine started expressing strong preferences on what they wanted to wear, whether they wanted a jumper or a coat etc at toddler age. I wouldn't be self-absorbed enough to say they had any sense of personal style, but they certainly were developing preferences.

I'm not sure why you think boys with longer hair won't be happy when they look at their baby photos as grown up men. That assumes that to be a proper man you have to have short, manly hair, which is a bit of a dated attitude.

I know gender stereotypes aren’t good or ideal but they’re entrenched in the world we live in, and long hair on a little boy just looks a bit twee & wet.

It only looks twee and wet if someone is so daft to believe that the length of a child's hair affects their personality based on whether the child has a vagina or a penis.

Who cares what your dad thinks or what random people think? If you have a child with long hair, because if societal stereotyping, many will think he is a girl. Wrong, but unfortunately true.

You do seem quite obsessed with how he looks though with some of your comments and seem to enjoy the attention his hair gives you and him. You’ve said things like he looks older because of it, it gives him more character. you’re proud of his crazy hair, you like that he looks a bit ‘feral’ and his hair/bands are his thing. . He doesn’t care. He’s a toddler, he really doesn’t have ‘a thing’.

Make sure he can see and stop obsessing about his hair.

@LolaSmiles

It only looks twee and wet if someone is so daft to believe that the length of a child's hair affects their personality based on whether the child has a vagina or a penis.

Problem is that applies to most people 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s not ideal. It is what it is.

If you like it you like it. Everyone thought my son was a girl from before he had any hair so cutting it may not change anything.

Our son always got mistaken for a girl, as we let hus hair grow a bit longer and was white blonde. When i would say hes a boy, people would say hes too beautiful to be a boy !!! Whatever the hell that means !!!
Everyone stopped and commented on it, but it wasn't who he was.

We got it all cutt off in the end as it got messy looking once he was older (3.5) and playing and getting sweaty. He loves it now and people still stop and say hes gorgeous.

As others have said, leave it longer and just accept the comments or get it shorter.

But please get his fringe cut, it really isn't fair for you to leave it in his eyes because you like the attention it brings you.

Wouldn't bother me tbh. I was very much a tomboy and fairly androgenous as a teenager. My first dh actually thought I was a boy when he first met me it has never ever bothered me. My mum use to say oh no she's a girl and I can't remember it ever bothering her. You can't change the worlds perception you can only change your response