What is having a newborn/young child actually like?

[AwkwardPaws27]

I've just had my 12 week scan & DH is having a wobble. He's worried we're ruining our life. I think reality has hit (this is a very planned & wanted pregnancy after three miscarriages so I'm a bit surprised that he's suddenly thinking it's not a good thing. We're definitely having the baby - I just don't want to say everything will be fine if it won't!).

Parents I know in real life seem to say its awful, so stressful, no one sleeps ever etc but then add a cheery "but it's worth it!". Can anyone shed any more light?

My mum was a single parent so did everything & never had time to herself. I've been imagining that parenting with two adults will be a bit better/easier? Am I totally daft?

I totally get that the first month or so is likely to be spent on the sofa recovering from birth, getting used to the new arrival and cluster feeding (providing BFing works out).

I thought after that we could do more - DH works from home so I was hoping to hand baby over for a bit in the evening so I could cook (I quite like cooking so making dinner while listening to a podcast would actually be quite a nice break) or take a shower; he's says he is on board with this.

He does a hobby on a Monday evening for a couple of hours, & I do mine on a Tuesday for roughly the same time - so I thought after a few months it might be realistic for us to resume these, so we both get a break & time to ourselves?

Other than that we aren't out partying anyway - a typical weekend is spent walking the dog, film & a takeaway, visiting family, making a roast etc. I imagined a baby would fit into that / that would fit in with a baby relatively well?

Am I totally delusional? Will we be up to our ears in shitty nappies for the foreseeable with no breaks or fun, or is it actually "worth it"?What makes it worth it? What can I tell him to look forward to??

In all honesty? I really don't want to scare you but it's hard. All newborn periods differ on the baby and parent but I'll tell you my own experiences.

DS1 I suffered horrific PND for 12 months afterwards, he didn't sleep ever just cried and cried. It was the most stressful and hardest periods of my life. I struggled with him as a baby and as a toddler, he never ever slept. He was diagnosed with autism at the age of 4 and when we finally got support and medication for the sleep... and the tables turned and I really began to enjoy him as I understood his needs better. We have a brilliant relationship now.

DS2 was a breeze. He slept through from 7pm to 5am. Napped well. Met all his milestones and I really enjoyed him as a baby and as a toddler.

Just be prepared to work as a team, and have a good support network around you. Good luck x

I don't think you're delusional. It's a different story for everyone though and a lot of it depends on the temperament of the baby and how they sleep - key factors imo.

DD is my first born and is 10 months old - up until now it's been fine. Yeah there have been some rough patches of sleep but I've never felt zombied and had true sleep deprivation. I managed 9 hours on average a night - though it may be broken and have done since she was born.

She is quite easy going and happy to be left in her bouncer for a short while while I bath, cook etc etc so that's all been fine.

No issues with feeding so been able to BF and haven't had to deal with reflux and colic.

Because of these things I've had a good experience and while it's a big responsibility I've still been able to keep up with my "normal life" - going out to see friends with baby in tow, doing my nails, my hair etc etc.

So it doesn't all have to be doom and gloom and stress.

From personal experience having a tiny newborn is ‘a bit shit’ as its such a huge life change that absolutely nothing can prepare you for. Its also an overwhelming sense of responsibility for someone else for the next 20 years minimum but realistically much longer as you’ll always worry about them.

But after the first 8 or so shitty weeks when they start to give back a little more, every day you’ll start to enjoy them a little more and everything will get a little bit easier. You’ll maybe start getting a little more sleep which will help and before you know it you’ll have a 6 month old who you’ll want to cry every time you look at as your heart will burst with love and pride. They become your best little friend and everything they do is hilariously funny and cute to you….. Except when you have to get up various times a night to flip them back over as they’ve rolled onto their front and can’t get back!!!

Honestly, its tough going at times but from experience the good times outweigh the bad a million times over! I also find our little one slots quite easily into our lives and our plans. It’ll be great OP - just you wait.

P.S. congrats! X

Ds is 18 months

He didn’t sleep for 12 months basically. Unlike someone above getting 9hrs sleep with 10 month old, dh and I were averaging 3hrs broken sleep. So just so sleep deprived I couldn’t have gone to an evening class or hobby as I just wanted to sleep.

Also Ds was on the move early. He was walking before 9 months, so no way in hell would he have calmly say in a baby bouncer at 10 months, he would just climb out and start opening things and climbing on things.

It’s been better the last few months that he now sleeps.

The other thing is how much help you get. Dh and I live with no family or childcare. If we need to get anything done, Ds has to be with us. Trying to sort a new kitchen out in showroom recently was ‘interesting’, took three days as max 1 hr at a time.

Having a baby is like walking through fog for a few weeks, it's emotional and weird. You're constantly worrying whether you're doing the right thing.

But above all of that you are falling in love a little bit more with your baby every day. You would never believe that you could find a baby giggling as entertaining as you do with your own. You'll happily discuss their poo for hours.

On a practical level, it is what you make it. Your weekends sound similar to ours and while yes of course it's more full on, you wouldn't change it for the world.

The thing that surprised me the most was the pain after and how swollen and sore I was. I think it was about two weeks before I felt completely healed and pain free. Breastfeeding for me was really easy, obviously not for all. Honestly if it's not for you don't stress and just do what works for you. I coslept from birth even in hospital just after giving birth and that helped with getting sleep and settling my son back down quickly. I would say it took 6 weeks for breastfeeding to settle and not be so constant. But I still had odd days where I'd just sit and feed for hours on end! My boys didn't really cry a lot as I just breastfed them when they cried! I would say that the newborn stage for me was the easiest as you can literally just go anywhere and just take your baby with you. They can sleep anywhere if you have a car seat, pram or sling. It's harder once they're more mobile as you have to constantly be watching! And even harder with a sibling to watch too. But honestly one kid for us was so easy, we just carried on as we were but with a baby tagging along! Two though nothing can prepare you for that!

It really depends on the baby. If you're lucky you get one that sleeps well, naps well etc. Our DD had undiagnosed CMPA and screamed for 6 months pretty much non stop (very crap GP who insisted that was normal). Slept 30min max at night. Didn't nap. Honestly, it was hell.

But most babies are not that bad. If you can get someone to look after the baby once a week so you have some time to rest or do something as a couple.

Honestly OP I adored the newborn stage with both of mine. I was lucky and had settled babies. BF didn’t work out with my first but I tried to be kind to myself and not stress. Cuddling your new baby at 2am and smelling their head is the best thing in the world. They’re so cute, you’re so proud of them and they sleep a lot. DH and I used to argue over who got to hold DC1 when she slept as a baby!
Yes you’re tired but you’re on leave, you can make new mum friends and nap when you can.
Having said that it’s also tough. The pressure of the responsibility is tough. Having a second during a pandemic was really challenging. Dealing with young child dramas, moods, fussiness etc constantly can be incredibly draining especially when you’re working, life admin etc. I have looked longingly at childfree friends lives over lockdown and wondered what have we done. But I adore them to their core, the way they love you and siblings love each other (if you have more!) is wonderful. You won’t regret it.

Honestly it depends on the baby/child.

Both my children slept through from 3 months old and are generally easy going. They can change though!

I have two now: a two-month old and 3yo.
We were like you, never really partied etc and quite like the quiet life.

Before having children I never understood the whole 'it's hard but it's worth it'. We had a comfortable life and we're happy together, so for me I was worried about rocking the boat.

However, for me, it has been the best thing I've ever done in my life. Yes it's tough and you will learn a lot about yourself (and your partner) too, but nothing can compare to the joys it will bring.

A newborn does take over day to day living and there are times of extreme frustration. I personally was surprised at how much actually a baby really needs you. There are sacrifices you will need to make in terms of how much time you spend for yourself but you WILL get your life back. And yes, it is totally worth it.

Everyone's experience is different so I wouldn't worry too much.
I have 3 dc ranging from 28 to 12. First 2 slept fine, dh did his share, I never found it awful. In parts it was boring and I was glad to go back to work after maternity leave. Hobbies might take a back seat for a while till you adjust but we never gave ours up because of children.
Everyone's experience is so different though it's hard to say.

I think for me the hardest thing was the fact that I was very very bored but didn’t have the time or energy to do anything about that. It’s weird, the early days are very repetitive between trying to get them to sleep/feeding/nappy changing/baths… I found it a really hard adjustment. DH took easier to it, I think because he still had elements of his life that weren’t completely baby focused. That and he wasn’t grappling with the hormones and the BF!

The moments of joy are so acute, so supremely perfect. That’s what people mean when they say ‘but it’s all worth it’ - because when your child smiles up at you it’s literally the best feeling in the world.

Things will change a lot, but if you and DH can sort of try not to plan, you’ll find your way when baby is here. I suspect he’s trying to prepare himself but in all honesty there’s no point. I could have gone to months of lectures about what it’s like to have a newborn, but I wouldn’t have got it until she was here.

To give you some hope, My first baby was no bother whatsoever.

Mat leave was a mix of morning coffee dates with friend or a buggy fit class. Home for the afternoon on the sofa with box sets, cake and tea. Sheer bliss and such a change from working full time. DH worked long hours and travelled away. It mattered not a jot, I was perfectly capable of handling one baby and he slept well from 6 weeks ish.

Yes of course there are hard parts but there is a culture of moaning on social media these days, in reality it's a balance all the time.

Everything in your post makes sense except that you have failed to mention the single most difficult thing about having a baby, in my opinion, which is the sleep deprivation.

You might be one of those lucky people who has a baby that sleeps beautifully at night and naps beautiful during the day. In my experience (two young children, lots of family and friends with young children, lots of mumsnetting and small talk at baby groups) this is pretty rare. I think it's normal for babies to wake up in the night with varying degrees of frequently in the first year. If you're really unlucky you might get a baby with reflux and/or other health issues which means their sleep is atrocious and they will only ever sleep when held on you and/or will wake up every 45 minutes.

Sleep deprivation ruins everything. It makes you feel like utter shit. It means that just getting through the basics required to function feels like wading through mud in fog. It makes you resent and even hate your partner. It makes you irritable and grumpy. You will have arguments about seemingly minor things that become major things when there is so much to do and so little energy to do it.

I've used "you" but of course I'm talking about myself and my experience. I accept that it's not the same for everyone. Hopefully it will be easier for you.

It's horrific but weirdly it is actually worth it. I did have a second child! The misery of sleep deprivation is somehow mitigated by the sheer joy of the most beautiful little person that you have brought into the world. (Sorry if that's cheesy but it's true.)

DC2 is 14 months old. We say "she's lucky she's cute" pretty much daily

IME, babies are a bit shit but in the grand scheme of things that stage lasts for such a short time.

Toddlers on the other hand are fucking fantastic, 18 months plus and I am in my absolute element. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that 2 is the worst age. Two year olds are brilliant.

And then by 4/5 it all gets sooooo much easier again as they are that bit more independent and can hold a decent conversation too!!

So yes, it’s hard, yes, some days are crap, but I wouldn’t swap my two little legends for anyone else.

(And for the record that’s having had two HORRENDOUS sleepers - like 15x worse than anyone else I knew. I still wouldn’t swap them, and they both slept through eventually, and are super sleepers now!)

It’s worth it because the love you feel as a parent is amazing, it’s the best love. And goes on for years.
But having a newborn is bloody awful and exhausting.
The two things happen together!

A few months in I couldn't have faced a hobby as I was just so tired. One year is another story but at a few months you're only just emerging from the newborn stage and if you're breastfeeding this will still be in the relentless stages.

It's really hard but really amazing. I've cried, I've felt frustration and despair like I never knew possible but my 3 year old truly is such a wonderful little boy and the love I feel for him is just indescribable. I adore motherhood and in a few months I'll have another.

Asking a question like this usually will attract mainly negative answers, as people with chilled babies rarely speak out as they are aware not all are in the same position.

Honestly it will really depend on your baby and what your partner is like as a parent and if you have family support

when i first had a baby, it was hard, esp as i was really pushing myself to breastfeed and it wasn’t working. Once i stopped that and moved to bottle, it became a lot easier for me/us. My husband helped with feeds during the night.

i honestly do think a lot of it comes down to helping each other, a lot of men think because they work they shouldn’t have to do much parenting, my husband is not like this. His days off work, he is in dad mode and i get rest time, i also try to give him a break.

It took a good 6/7 months but we managed to get into a decent routine and have a life outside of baby. We’d go out separately or have date nights with a family member baby sitting

Yes there are tough times, like sleep regressions and teething but honestly nothing that has been off the scale bad because we supported each other through the tougher times.

Wish you both all the best

@Auntycorruption

To give you some hope, My first baby was no bother whatsoever.

Mat leave was a mix of morning coffee dates with friend or a buggy fit class. Home for the afternoon on the sofa with box sets, cake and tea. Sheer bliss and such a change from working full time. DH worked long hours and travelled away. It mattered not a jot, I was perfectly capable of handling one baby and he slept well from 6 weeks ish.

Yes of course there are hard parts but there is a culture of moaning on social media these days, in reality it's a balance all the time.

@Auntycorruption I’m starting maternity leave on Monday & god yours sounds great!!! I’m nervous I’ll be bored & anxious before baby comes, just sat around waiting.. tea, cake & boxsets sound like a dream. I might try and go swimming a lot too in the mornings maybe.

My mum has always said she adored having tiny babies & it was a wonderful time for her. No major life changes apart from an additional tiny person! She’s only ever said positive things about it which I find really reassuring as yes there seems to be a lot of negativity around small children & how shit it makes ones life.. agree sleep is very important! If my bubba turns out to not sleep well I will try cosleeping I think.

Question for mums- when you were pregnant- if you were waking up in the night with active baby kicking around; did you find they had the same cycles when they were born?? I’m 33 weeks & hes awake 3-4am jumping around, every night, without fail 🤣

My eldest was a reasonable baby - very portable, fed well and slept in reasonable chunks unless she was ill etc, We had a really big family trauma going on at the time - lots of visits to hospital, then dealing with death and a grieving parent and honestly it was fine. She hit two and was a nightmare and is now being assessed for ASD as a tween.
My youngest was a nightmare baby. Clingy , bad sleeper and didn't sleep thru the night until she was 5. She was massively hard work. But she is a much easier 8 year old and has been a easier child to parent.

So it's hard - it is a huge shift in terms of lifestyle and responsibility. My husband has been an equal partner through out and we have both taken time to step back in our careers at various points. But when they smile at you, or play piano piece well or give you a cuddle it's really worth it

Newborn stage is hard work with the frequent feeds, nappy changes, broken sleep but as long as you support each other you will be fine.
My DS just slotted in and I dont feel like we missed out on anything major. I met friends for coffee many times a week, we visited friends and family, I could nip out for a couple of hours in between bf and had a freezer stash for his Dad to give him if needed. I know I was lucky with a settled baby and had no issues with colic/reflux/allergies which can be extremely hard. I have a 2.5 year old now and my god the newborn stage was an absolute breeze

Honestly it just depends on the baby. Mine was horrific, had reflux and just screamed for 6 months. I was so sleep deprived and looking back probably had PND. I hated my partner because he got to leave the baby and go to work for 10 hours a day 🙊🤣 BUT that awful baby turned into an absolute legend of a toddler! When all my mates were moaning about how hard it was now their babies were on the move I was like wtf this is EASY compared to what I endured! 3 years in and hes the light of my life and I am low key obsessed with him! We are even trying for another so I must have blocked out how truly horrible the first bit was!!

No one knows what sort of baby you'll get. 😊

Get DH doing his share straight away. If BF is OK, consider giving 1 bottle a day (I didn't first time, ds1 never ever took a bottle. Ds2 had 1 a day from early on. He sometimes objected, strongly, but it meant I could have a break)

Ex 'D'H did sod all. Hence the ex.

You're not delusional but you do need to take it as it comes a bit.

Again, make sure DH pulls his weight. Don't get into competitive tiredness. Talk.

Highly depends on the baby. Mine was an awful newborn - colic and reflux and no sleep. First 6 months or so were dreadful. Thought I’d ruined my life. Hobbies were an impossibility as DS breastfed round the clock and cluster fed every night. The sleep deprivation was lethal. Couldn’t take him anywhere as he just screamed.

Thing is though, we survived. He’s an awesome little sleeping, mostly non screaming toddler now. You wouldn’t know how bad the first bit was. The even better news is some of my NCT friends with more settled babies positively thrived in the tiny baby stage. It’s a cliche but newborns are such hard work, but it really doesn’t last that long (even though it feels like forever at the time).

DH and I are nostalgic for the pre baby days but our new norm is completely fine despite the difficult start. We couldn’t live without DS now, but we both have hobbies and work away from him. The balance is good.

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy.