What is having a newborn/young child actually like?

[AwkwardPaws27]

I've just had my 12 week scan & DH is having a wobble. He's worried we're ruining our life. I think reality has hit (this is a very planned & wanted pregnancy after three miscarriages so I'm a bit surprised that he's suddenly thinking it's not a good thing. We're definitely having the baby - I just don't want to say everything will be fine if it won't!).

Parents I know in real life seem to say its awful, so stressful, no one sleeps ever etc but then add a cheery "but it's worth it!". Can anyone shed any more light?

My mum was a single parent so did everything & never had time to herself. I've been imagining that parenting with two adults will be a bit better/easier? Am I totally daft?

I totally get that the first month or so is likely to be spent on the sofa recovering from birth, getting used to the new arrival and cluster feeding (providing BFing works out).

I thought after that we could do more - DH works from home so I was hoping to hand baby over for a bit in the evening so I could cook (I quite like cooking so making dinner while listening to a podcast would actually be quite a nice break) or take a shower; he's says he is on board with this.

He does a hobby on a Monday evening for a couple of hours, & I do mine on a Tuesday for roughly the same time - so I thought after a few months it might be realistic for us to resume these, so we both get a break & time to ourselves?

Other than that we aren't out partying anyway - a typical weekend is spent walking the dog, film & a takeaway, visiting family, making a roast etc. I imagined a baby would fit into that / that would fit in with a baby relatively well?

Am I totally delusional? Will we be up to our ears in shitty nappies for the foreseeable with no breaks or fun, or is it actually "worth it"?What makes it worth it? What can I tell him to look forward to??

I also disagree with those who’ve called newborns ‘portable’- transport is hard, feeding in public can be awkward, some babies don’t sleep well outside the home/bedroom, loud crying babies in restaurants can be embarrassing- so no, moving them around isn’t always easy. For that reason maternity leave can get lonely and isolating.

Oh god yes! I cannot overstate this! The only sense in which newborns are "portable" is that you can physically pick them up easily. You can't go for an overnight visit without loading the car with vital paraphernalia, then you have to plan your journey around their sleep and feed cycle plus stopping every 30 mins to take them out of the car seat, and you'll be frazzled and stressed because it's all new and not second nature yet... I mean we did get about with our newborn but I wish we hadn't put such pressure on ourselves, especially as she hated the car.

Everything will feel really hard for a while, OP, until you level up. And then the baby will move the goalposts again. I say this with love. Don't be too ambitious with your plans. I bloody love having a toddler by comparison - now THAT'S portable.

@AwkwardPaws27

Thank you to everyone who has responded - I've read them all and shared a number of them with DH. It really is appreciated.

The strong theme has definitely been sleep, so we have everything crossed for a good sleeper! If not, then the "cooking with a podcast" or "doing a hobby" will be swiftly swapped for taking a nap whilst the other person is on baby duty!

I want DH to be involved from day one & I think its important we have these conversations now. We are both not brilliant when sleep deprived (who is?) as proven when our dog was a puppy... so working out how to get enough and avoiding competitive tiredness is something we need to be conscious of.

We are lucky to have family relatively close by (30 min drive) so hopefully that support will also be helpful.

Oh yeah here's a tip, get Alexa in your bedroom and put on washing machine white noise sounds. Helps them sleep.

It's so different for every couple, I would deffo look into NCT classes if your DH is wobbling it helped mine so much to be go through first time fatherhood with other dad's at exactly the same stage with their babies to talk/laugh/vent to and to be prepared for lots about becoming a dad.

There are so many magic things about becoming parents. I remember us getting our first home and just sitting on the sofa having a little cry together about how lucky we felt..my husband never cries.
There are strains like any transition and it does bring out strong deep rooted feelings in you that you might not expect because parenting Is such an emotive thing! It's also wonderful though. I think your plans for being intentional with your time and making space for things like a podcast are really good.

The only thing is for some babies late afternoon and early evening Is grizzling time, so it might be good to plan a different time of day for your you te, like one of babys nap times xx

The sleep. The sleep.

Both of mine were atrocious- I mean really really bad- sleepers (at night. They did nap, but only in the buggy or sling) The youngest is 5 and still is (the eldest switched a button at 2 and just slept). I don't think my body has ever really recovered. But other than that, having just one was really fine. We used to take her to all sorts and she did fit right in. Mat leave was a huge culture shock for me (a lot of my identity was about work) and in retrospect I should have relaxed a bit more and not zoomed around everywhere. But really it's the sleep deprivation. There is nothing like it. And it totally is just luck.

I would very strongly recommend getting your partner to take some SPL. Having a period of independently caring for the baby is IMHO critical for setting the dial for more equal parenting.

I like the tiny newborn stage. It's a bit magical.

And it's very feasible to pick your hobbies back up. We did this even though we felt awful. It helped.

DH works from home so I was hoping to hand baby over for a bit in the evening so I could cook (I quite like cooking so making dinner while listening to a podcast would actually be quite a nice break

The thought of spending even a couple of minutes without dc when they were even a few months old was just impossible.
Not because the opportunity wasn’t there but because being parted from them, even if they were in another room in the house was just of overwhelming need to be physically within touching distance of them.

You say you would like to listen to a podcast and cook. Chances are not being within touching distance of your baby at all times, especially in the first couple of months is going to like an emptiness. You quickly get used to holding baby and when you put them down you feel like you are missing a part of you.

Whilst no one can explain the sheer sleep deprivation, no one can tell you how you are going to feel and what your birth will be like or how your baby will be.

I think the best piece of advice is Don’t plan anything and just go with the flow.

@Kennykenkencat

DH works from home so I was hoping to hand baby over for a bit in the evening so I could cook (I quite like cooking so making dinner while listening to a podcast would actually be quite a nice break

The thought of spending even a couple of minutes without dc when they were even a few months old was just impossible.
Not because the opportunity wasn’t there but because being parted from them, even if they were in another room in the house was just of overwhelming need to be physically within touching distance of them.

You say you would like to listen to a podcast and cook. Chances are not being within touching distance of your baby at all times, especially in the first couple of months is going to like an emptiness. You quickly get used to holding baby and when you put them down you feel like you are missing a part of you.

Whilst no one can explain the sheer sleep deprivation, no one can tell you how you are going to feel and what your birth will be like or how your baby will be.

I think the best piece of advice is Don’t plan anything and just go with the flow.

Definitely not my experience. My DS was an atrocious sleeper born at the height of lockdown. I’d have given anything for family members to be able to pop over to look after him for 2-3 hours so I could nap. It became a delirious fantasy.

Otherwise, I agree. No-one has any idea what they’re in for, so be prepared to go with the flow.

I think covid hasn’t helped. Ds was born during lockdown 1, we are now in lockdown 4 where I live. So no help, no guidance. Just as a neighbour offered to babysit a few hours, lockdown again. Our ‘hobbies’ and classes have still never reopened after almost 2 years.

Hopefully you won’t have that.

I loved being on Mat leave, I had 2 straightforward births which I recovered from quickly and easily. They breast fed like a dream and slept 7 hrs at night from 10 weeks ish.

It completely depends on the baby, your physical recovery and how well you both come mentally. Both of mine have screamed the house down in the evenings from about 5pm till about 10pm so the idea of a relaxing cooking session would be out for me, it was more shoving stuff from the freezer in the oven tbh. Once they get a defined bedtime it's much easier though.

Sleep deprivation varies from "this isn't too bad" to "oh dear god I might die if I don't sleep". It is utterly relentless though, constant piles of washing, bottles to wash (if you're FF or pumping), toys to tidy, meals to prep once you start weaning, the cat naps that barely give you time to do anything.

Any relationship is going to be under strain and I don't know any couple that hasn't had a massive row about the division of labour in the first few weeks/months after baby arrives. My advice to make sure you both get leisure time and split the weekend lie ins.

That said, I absolutely love having my two and wouldn't change it for the world. DD is the funny, smart, curious and so loving. DS is chilled and so happy. I'm more in love with DH than ever.

Yes a baby will fit well into your weekend plans and you'll easily be able to take turns doing your hobbies. It's hard but fleeting.
Biggest tips are:
Remember everything really difficult is a phase, nothing lasts forever, often just a few days or weeks.
Free yourself of any guilt about things not going the way you wanted, the birth, breastfeeding, whether you bond with the baby instantly (for a lot of parents it takes months).
Accept all offers of help and make sure it is help. Eg if someone comes over two days after the birth, they bring lunch.
Sign up to some baby groups or arrange coffee dates with other mums and make sure you get out of the house.
Take shifts overnight.
Be reflective ans honest about your mental health and talk openly with your midwife about it. Most areas have a perinatal mental health team who are really good. It's supposed to be 1 jn 7 who suffer from poor perinatal mental health but i think there are a lot of other women who try to just get on with it who could benefit from some support.

@Kennykenkencat

DH works from home so I was hoping to hand baby over for a bit in the evening so I could cook (I quite like cooking so making dinner while listening to a podcast would actually be quite a nice break

The thought of spending even a couple of minutes without dc when they were even a few months old was just impossible.
Not because the opportunity wasn’t there but because being parted from them, even if they were in another room in the house was just of overwhelming need to be physically within touching distance of them.

You say you would like to listen to a podcast and cook. Chances are not being within touching distance of your baby at all times, especially in the first couple of months is going to like an emptiness. You quickly get used to holding baby and when you put them down you feel like you are missing a part of you.

Whilst no one can explain the sheer sleep deprivation, no one can tell you how you are going to feel and what your birth will be like or how your baby will be.

I think the best piece of advice is Don’t plan anything and just go with the flow.

Crikey really? I went to buy my sons school uniform when DD was a few weeks old, left the two kids at home and felt I was walking on air maybe it's different when it's not your first, I do remember it all being much more intense with DS1.

It's so hard because while it is magical it is also the hardest thing in the world.

I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I was absolutely shell shocked for months. Your old life is completely over. There isn't time to make meals, I would buy a load of frozen meals in ready. It just feels like you have zero time to yourself, no time to take a piss, no time to put make up on. You are exhausted constantly.
After a month or so it is very unlikely that you will get through a film with a baby. I couldn't relax to eat a takeaway for about a year. It feels like you will never eat in peace again and then they get to about 3 years old and you can again. Personally, I felt like I didn't even have time to take a bath. The whole thing was jus so incredibly stressful. We both gave our hobbies up temporarily after the baby as there was no time for them.

Having said all of that, there is something just so amazing about it. You love your baby so much and the minute they aren't with you you just feel a bit lost and want them back.

I went on to have a second one so it must've been ok at times!! Looking back though, a lot of it was a complete blur because of the shock.

I had an open mind re what parenthood would be like. We were on the fence for many years re having a baby, partly because we loved our lifestyle - going out for meals, walking in the countryside with the dog, running etc - sounds a bit like your lifestyle. My baby is almost 1 and I can honestly say DH and I have absolutely loved the last year. And I would add that DS has not been a particularly ‘easy’ baby… bad sleeper, very spirited etc!! The newborn days were tough, so tough, but you just have to get through that period and accept that you won’t do much else for the first 3 months, especially if you are bf-ing. In some ways we were lucky that it was lockdown and there was no pressure to be anywhere or do anything.

You also have to accept that while you can still do a lot of the things you did before, things are a lot more hassle! For example, we still go out to cafes, restaurants etc but of course it is not the same relaxing experience with a baby… sometimes it works out fine, sometimes it’s a nightmare. And everything you do / everywhere you go takes a lot more planning and organisation.

But I don’t think you’re delusional in hoping to maintain some semblance of your normal life. A friend of mine said to me: it will just be like it was before, but with an added bundle of love and joy :)

I admit I’ve found it hard to have time to do my hobbies, but that’s partly because we’ve lacked childcare. If you have family nearby that makes a big difference.

In summary though I’d just say, keep an open mind; don’t expect too much of yourselves in the early days; go with the flow of your baby!; and just be prepared for things to need a bit more planning.

But is it worth it? Absolutely!!!! DS is the best thing to have ever happened to us and I simply can’t imagine life without him

My baby is 10 mos and I've loved every stage, especially newborn (as soon as she was born I wanted to have more kids! We're ot going to be but the baby phase can be very very sweet) The love and joy are overwhelming at times.

I think your plans sound good! You should be extra sure to keep doing your hobby if your partner does his. In the early days, give each other a lot of grace, both of you should focus on responding to each other with kindness and remembering that you're a team. Encourage your partner to parent, allow them to develop their own bond and own way of doing things with the baby (there's more than one right way!)

Parenthood for me has been bliss, I was really scared of losing the things I loved in my life but life feels a million times better to me now. So.ething that might help your partner is envisioning the future, what are you excited for? What are some family traditions you want to uphold or start? What do you think the baby will be like? What are some funny/happy memories you have of growing up?

Don't scare yourself too much by reading every horror story on here, I did that and actually everything was fine, I wish I hadn't wasted time being scared.

I loved having a newborn and found it pretty easy. I don't recognise most of these descriptions on this thread - shellshocked for months, house a disaster, trapped on the sofa, can't cook. I just had my normal life with a baby pretty much. Having a toddler was a bigger life change but that's OK too.

Now I'm lucky to have had a sleeping baby.
Sometimes I think people make a big deal about certain aspects though. Like nappies, people going on about how they were up to their elbows in nappies, nappies everywhere. But it's really not a big deal, a newborn takes two minutes to change and you do it every two - four hours at most, less if formula fed. And the nappy is tiny and you just put it in the bin. No need to live in some sort of nappy hell. That's just one example.

Honestly, during the first few months I had many many days where I just wanted to rugby ball throw my baby at my partner, get into my car and drive, full on tears streaming down my face, screaming along badly to some Adele song about how terrible my life is.
BUT now I know that was sleep deprivation and just wanting a break and/or Snow White style nap.

The lack of sleep was worse than I imagined, and my baby doesn’t even seem to have been that bad compared to others. But you get through the relentlessness of it and one day (however long that is) your baby will learn to sleep.
My 10mo has had a good few months of sleeping now, and I feel like myself again. He has his grumpy moments occasionally, but because I’ve slept I can handle them. And I genuinely love him so much, sometimes I pathetically just tear up about how much he means to me (got to be an Adele song about that too right?).

He’s the best thing about my day and my life.

You sound like you’ve got a supportive partner which is key, you’ll be fine congratulations!

You're not delusional! The first three weeks after DD was born were wonderful. Both of us off work, we had such a relaxing time of it. Going out for a coffee and cake, home to watch a film and take turns to nap, cooking nice food together. Sure it was tiring due to her feeding every few hours but you just get on with it. She often needed a feed just as we were sitting down to eat, DH had to occasionally spoon feed me over her head

After 4 weeks of exclusive breastfeeding we introduced a bottle and within a couple of weeks of that, I could go out to my hobby in the evening again leaving DD with DH and the bottle. Sometimes he'd come too and just bring her to me if she needed a feed.

It's not necessarily going to be horrendous. Your weekend sounds perfect for just slotting a baby into.

You sound much more prepared that I was, OP.
No one told me how hard it was. ...why on earth does no one tell you IRL?! If I could I'd teach classes on it 😂
I felt like I'd been hit by a bus like another PP. And had a reasonably easy time in pregnancy and birth. Was totally unprepared for how much it would change my life.
The fact you are thinking about this now is good. I'm not sure I ever did.
All babies are different for sleep. When you think you've cracked it, something else will throw it off. But you get through it!
I was determined to keep up my hobbies and started running again after my 6 week check up, I still run now and fit it in when I can.
I'll be honest though, the first year with my DD was a blur. I can't remember much and am very grateful for my photos and videos. My case isn't typical though as I had post partum psychosis which is quite rare. IMO you can easily do your hobbies after the first few months for an hour or two a week.
I expected too much of myself and was out at classes and something everyday. I would recommend being happy at home with your baby. The world can wait.
You'll find you feet. When the midwife puts your baby in your arms you think they'll be little forever. They won't be. They grow so quick. The first 18 months aren't easy (just my opinion) but then you'll have a wonderful little best friend you can enjoy for life. Corny but true.
You will be fine. Even if it doesn't feel like it at the time, you will.
All the best

Maybe your DH is afraid to get his hopes up, after the pain you’ve already been through with your MCs and it’s coming out through concern about your futures.
The fact that a lot of people are saying it’s hard and parts are not enjoyable, but they went on to have more than one child, proves that the good outweighs the bad.
You can’t fully prep, because every baby and every parent is different, but you can talk about how you’ll work together where possible and remind each other that it’s “just a phase” when things are difficult. Any hard parts are short lived, then you’re either into the next phase, or establish a pattern. You guys will find what works for you.

Congratulations on your little one.

Our DS is 21 months old. Beautiful pregnancy and labour, a fantastic 11 hours with no pain relief. It only really hit once we took him home and then it REALLY hit. The gravity of having a baby that needed us to care about him.
Our lives before had been pretty care free. We had a lovely little house, worked FT but had every other weekend off together and would regularly be out socialising.

As a baby, he was and still for the most part, is, a dream. Slept through from about 5 weeks old and full of smiles. He was so portable and easy, bit harder now he walks, talks and wants to assert his independence. Once I felt more confident he wouldn’t break, as they can be SO TINY, I adored my days just cuddling him and only needing to feed and change.
Everything is a phase which can help you get through if you tell yourself! Get one thing out of the way and the next thing comes along. I’d describe it as survival! The hardest bit for me was the worry, I’m a worrier anyway and worrying about him was exhausting for me. Couple that with PND as my DP started a new job the week DS was born so no paternity leave. We also moved house when DS was a month old.
He didn’t understand what I was going through and didn’t help half as much as he could’ve and we’re only now just getting back on track; I really, honestly disliked him massively for a long time! We didn’t make time for date nights (Covid lockdowns didn’t help) or any time for us so we became like two separate parents rather than a family unit in a relationship.
Your relationship will change forever and not be what it was but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Communicate as much as you can and make sure he supports you.
You can still have a life after children, getting into as much of a routine as you can as early as possible really helps but early days, just enjoy your baby and figure them out.

Every baby is different. I was incredibly lucky and had a baby that slept for 20 hours out of every 24 straightaway. I never got woken in the night. Ever. My maternity leave was bliss. Long lazy mornings, a gorgeous happy contented baby and lots of coffee mornings and meet-ups with friends.

I thought there was something wrong with my baby and spoke to the health visitor about how much she slept. She said there are babies like mine who sleep happily but you don't hear about them as those with non-sleeping babies talk about it more.

I've no idea if that's true or not but 2 of my fiends had sleepers and 2 didn't. So I guess it's luck of the draw.

What is the same for everyone is that the love you feel for your baby is off the scale.

Best thing ever yet horrific

I think everybody's experience varies... me and my partner had our first this year, we were 29.. we adore her and she was very wanted.. i did think itd be easier than it was.. in the sense that my baby cried alot for first few months ans didnt like sleeping in her crib so we took it in turn to hold her and took it im turns to sleep whilst the other watched the baby...

She settled once 3 months and slept at normal times in her cot but the routine you have to follow is mind consuming... what time is it? When do we prep the bottle? Now we need to steralise, oh shes crying whilst im trying to make myself a sandwich...i do know a few friends whos children slept undisturbed right throught the night within a few weeks but not the case for us...

Then its the illnesses.. they seem unwell... panic and an A and E trip it is..

I asked my partner if being a oarwnt was what he thought it would be though and he said its better than he imagined... the love you feel for them is amazing ans i suppose once theyre at an age they can talk and eat properly it gets easier???? I know some people will disagree but that's what i like to think...

I mean I’m tired all the time - but I’m 8months in - she pretty much sleeps through now - I’ve had evenings out on my own/ go the gym again and stuff now

But yeah there was a few months there that I was miserable up on the hour through the night - resenting my husband (he was getting some sleep in spare room as he was working)

Now we do alternate nights doing bath and bed routine - so I always have every second eve to myself now! Usually I just lie on the sofa watching a show with a cup of tea - sometimes I go to a gym class, the other night met a friend for a cocktail

We’ve took our baby out everywhere with us since she was born - we still see friends but we just meet them earlier in the day - like pub at lunch time or something instead of a night out !

And honesty I’ve nearly forgotten how bad it was already 😂 it really does start to fade as you come out the other side

What's it like? Shock to the system, lack of sleep makes you feel unwell. Exhausting. Overwhelming. They zap you of all your energy, with the constant breastfeeding. Your time is no longer your own.

Congratulations btw, it does have a few nice bits. My eldest is a teen and it's just starting to get fun.

I have four so it wasn't that bad😂