What is having a newborn/young child actually like?

[AwkwardPaws27]

I've just had my 12 week scan & DH is having a wobble. He's worried we're ruining our life. I think reality has hit (this is a very planned & wanted pregnancy after three miscarriages so I'm a bit surprised that he's suddenly thinking it's not a good thing. We're definitely having the baby - I just don't want to say everything will be fine if it won't!).

Parents I know in real life seem to say its awful, so stressful, no one sleeps ever etc but then add a cheery "but it's worth it!". Can anyone shed any more light?

My mum was a single parent so did everything & never had time to herself. I've been imagining that parenting with two adults will be a bit better/easier? Am I totally daft?

I totally get that the first month or so is likely to be spent on the sofa recovering from birth, getting used to the new arrival and cluster feeding (providing BFing works out).

I thought after that we could do more - DH works from home so I was hoping to hand baby over for a bit in the evening so I could cook (I quite like cooking so making dinner while listening to a podcast would actually be quite a nice break) or take a shower; he's says he is on board with this.

He does a hobby on a Monday evening for a couple of hours, & I do mine on a Tuesday for roughly the same time - so I thought after a few months it might be realistic for us to resume these, so we both get a break & time to ourselves?

Other than that we aren't out partying anyway - a typical weekend is spent walking the dog, film & a takeaway, visiting family, making a roast etc. I imagined a baby would fit into that / that would fit in with a baby relatively well?

Am I totally delusional? Will we be up to our ears in shitty nappies for the foreseeable with no breaks or fun, or is it actually "worth it"?What makes it worth it? What can I tell him to look forward to??

My fist baby is 14 months and I won't lie it's been HARD! He doesn't sleep particularly well and can be up for hours in the night. We battled colic,reflux and a massive umbilical hernia while I also had bad PND. I still have good and bad days but the most important thing is for you and your partner to work as a team and communicate! At first I had the thoughts of what the hell have we done, but now I cannot imagine my life without him xx

Ours was exactly like you describe. She was a super baby. She was/is a lot more trouble from age 3 upwards, however. So our experience was kind of backwards to a lot of people.

My top tip: get a whiteboard and a notepad. You can save a lot of arguments caused by tiredness by writing down what they ate and making a rota for whose turn it is to do what, or what needs doing. Duplication helps too - plenty of spares of everything, a basket or box with nappy change stuff in several handy locations, bag with going out stuff already hanging on the pram/buggy.

Oh and fix anything niggling about the house now as it will drive you crackers when you're in it so much!

You could get a really hard baby and spend 24 hours a day trying to get the balance of feeding/stimulation/naps right in order to deal with an angry overtired mess like we did with DD1, or you could get a relatively uncomplicated (but rubbish feeder and sleeper) one like DD2.

Either way, the thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was the mental load. Remembering to take all the right stuff out on a day trip. Timing car trips so as to not mess up naps and therefore the precious baby-free hours after bedtime. Worrying about milestones and development. I really missed not being able to go to nice restaurants every weekend, or to book a last minute weekend away or to just relax on the sofa on a wintry afternoon and read a book.

You can, if you have blissfully relaxed and portable babies, continue with all of the above but things just become harder. You can just refuse to get worked up about routine and naps and go with the flow, but that’s not for everyone.

However, at risk of perpetuating the cliche, it really is worth it. Once we got past the first 12 months and DD1 was walking and starting to talk, we stopped missing our old life and started loving planning fun things to do with her at weekends.

So for us we’re now knackered, our house looks like Paw Patrol vomited all over it and we’re more likely to be found at a park than a pub on a Sunday afternoon but our lives are infinitely better than they were this time three years ago.

I think it depends a lot on your personality and how supportive your partner is when it really comes down to the crunch.
I am a massive stress head/worrier/glass half empty person, but have a DH who is massively supportive with every aspect of parenting (as it should be!) and a very supportive nurturing family.

Still, its bloody hard work, and each month has its own challenges, some of mine have been:

• first few weeks breastfeeding absolute agony, much worse than the pushing phase of birth even because you know you're going to have to do it again in an hour every hour in my case for 4 weeks straight. However, still BF my 15mDD now and it's been easier from about 3 months.
• 3/4 month sleep regression and 4 month breastfeeding crisis! Mega stressed
• 6/7 sleep regression and the start of trying to get her to sleep well in her own room
• separation anxiety not being able to pass her to anyone else as she would scream blue murder
• 12-14 month sleep regression was hell
• dropping to one nap just recently
• realisation that you we can't go out together unless we have a babysitter, (I would only let close family babysit so this obviously limits us)
• being invited to a friends Christmas and NYE party and realising that if I go, DH can't go to his, and also that we won't get to spend it together so it's all sacrifices.
• money! My goodness, nursery fees
• catching every illness under the sun when she started nursery at 1, I have not been well for more than 3 weeks since September. Constantly have a chest infection and sleep deprived.
• resulting impact on sex life due to someone always feeling unwell in turns !
• everything feels like a constant balancing act, balancing family time versus my friends versus DH friends versus my time off versus DH hobby (which he has cut to one day since DD arrived) versus time as a couple

Things that are/have been great:

• hearing her say mama/dada
• seeing how excited she gets over basic things
• holding her close for sleepy breastfeeds when she was smaller, and her nuzzling in
• new baby smell is honestly insane
• getting DH into an early waking routine like me because he has no choice now!
• her laugh
• excitement about what sort of person she will become and how much potential there is
• seeing how much DH and my family love and adore her
• hugs now she is older
• having a routine and being forced to be productive
• she sleeps well when not in a regression so we have been able to generally get 6/7 hours a night since around 5/6 months
• being better with money as we have no choice
• co parenting with a supportive DH, who has been up with me for every night feed or interruption since birth.

Having seen friends with kids struggle a lot I would say a common theme is their selfish and unsupportive partners. Make sure your DH is going to pull his weight.

@sjxoxo My DDs behaviour in the womb didn't carry on to outside, she was chilled inside and is a little live wire and has been since birth! Very mobile and alert early on.

Also co sleeping never worked for us, she would refuse to sleep and be awake all night! It was awful.

@AwkwardPaws27 in addition to my post earlier on, someone put a tip on a thread the other day, parent the child you have not the one you want. I find myself repeating that during stressful moments when she won't let me pass her to anyone else or when she refuses to co sleep but is absolutely wired and knackered. Not all the advice works for you. For example, breastfeeding you will get so much advice and some of it will be great and some will be shit!

My DD fed for 5-8 mins only as a newborn, I was told by midwives it wasn't enough and to make her feed more but how do you force a baby to feed!? So I had to just feed her every 45/60 mins to make sure she was getting enough. She gained weight well, and is doing very well height and weight wise. And at age 4 months onward, the 5 minute feeding was a godsend. Could be opposite with my next, could be a 45 min feeder!

I remember feeling like I never truly was able to “switch off” after having a baby in the first year or so at least. Like yes, they do sleep quite a lot in the day but I could not sit down and read a book etc because I had washing to do, or cooking, or often I just wanted to sit in silence and wouldn’t achieve anything. Almost like I was dreading them waking up again and would have to make sure everything was ready for when they woke up again. I didn’t cook anything elaborate for a while. The early evenings are when they often get super cranky: mine cried from 4pm - 11pm on and off most nights for the first three months or so. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable handing them over to DH while I cooked a nice meal, it was more about tag team survival - “you eat your ready meal quickly while I jiggle the baby, then you eat, then I breastfeed, then you take the baby out for a pram walk to get them to sleep while I wash all the clothes” etc. Really hard and a big strain. Turning point for me was about 15 months. I started reclaiming some of my hobby in a small way and got a bit more “me time”. I found it gradually easier from there, and the evenings do really settle down. I could bank on a good uninterrupted 4 hours of time to myself in the evenings as they moved from baby to toddler. I enjoy the routine of toddler / preschool life and find the balance has returned to life again.

I think it's so individual to the child you get and how you are as people. There really is no telling until they are here. I really really struggled at first but that's with an extremely high risk pregnancy, premature baby and an extended NICU stay. Then baby had colic/reflux and didn't sleep through until 18mo and it's still not regular even now. It is so much easier now than it was though. And DC is wonderful, very active and needs so much stimulation. Lots of fun now but tiring. On the other hand my brothers DC was a unicorn baby. Slept 7-7 pretty much straight away, so calm and easy going and it was a breeze for them. So its just so varied and hard to predict.

As others have said each baby is different so have different experiences. Mine slept through from 3 months. Had a rough patch at 12 months and another at 18 months. He is also a very happy baby, will go to anyone and developed quite early. For sample crawled at 5 months, walked at 10 months, ran and kicked a ball at 12 months and now at 2.5 is speaking in 8-10 word sentences and joins two sentences together. Firstly having him mobile so early was very hard work. I had to stop going to baby clubs where they just sit and shake rattles because mine was off running around the room with me chasing after him. He was into everything cupboards ransacked climbing on anything and everything. Couldn't leave him for a second but he was so much fun to be around. Now he is communicating very well I don't feel like I get the toddle tantrums as much because he can understand us and we can understand him. Trying to get out the house and getting him dressed on time is still near on impossible.

So what did i find the hardest..the transition in my marriage. I knew it would be hard but didnt realise how much and also wider family dynamics.

Baby slotted well into our life same as you just pottered around most weekends with the occasional friends night out. However getting out of house was a mission with a newborn and remembering everything. With a toddler doesn't matter where he is meals out are not relaxing and around someone's house you can't really relax with a coffee as I am too worried what the toddler could break. Which basically means l am never fully concentrating on what the other person is saying as my mind is elsewhere. Basically nothing is carefree and relaxing as it used to be. Even when you have time on your own you feel guilty for it. Which doesn't seem too bad as you have had your time but it does get exhausting and overwhelming.

If you work that becomes less priority and currently with sickness being quite high after lockdown you let your colleagues down. Not very motivating working just to pay for childcare even though you have to think of the long term benefits.

But this little person will be your whole world and in reality this is what it feels like it doesn't matter because you have them.

I think it depends on your baby and you as parents.

I'm very lucky that my DH helps out as much as he can, has done since the day we brought DS home from hospital. However, he was a difficult newborn - 4/5 months and I had nobody but DH so it was very hard but as the cliche says; It is completely worth it. I don't know how I'd have coped if DH didn't help though. Make sure you communicate and try and make time for each other and yourself.

As soon as DS was born I felt like my life now had purpose, he's the most amazing little sleep thief and I adore him!

I have three kids. I love having babies! They all had their ups ans downs with sleep and vomiting etc but the best thing was that my DP and o turned out to be a pretty good team so there has never been any friction between us when things are tough. Do as many clubs, coffees etc as you can with the baby to give yourself a sense of routine. Staying home all day becomes very very boring. With subsequent kids it is easier to adapt than with the first, although the logistics with my third has left me completely exhausted. It's not the kids that are exhausting, it's all the cleaning and tidying and planning!

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. My husband walked out on me during my second pregnancy and a month later we went into lockdown for the first time and then my son was born in the heat of the first wave. The new born days were absolutely wonderful. DS2 didn't come without his own complications, he was an icu baby, breastfed (still is!), CMPA, reflux etc etc but once we got into our little routine it was wonderful and despite how hard life was those days were just everything.
Now he's abit older it is harder because both sons have such different needs... if only I had an extra pair of hands! But my life is not ruined, it's wonderful and all of us just adapt to all of the changes and challenges!
Enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy your children. It won't always be easy, but is anything?
Just remember people complaining or being negative is always a reflection of them not you! Those comments can stem from W lot of different experiences and I can gauruntee you that your experience will be different!

Top til though with having 2, invest in a good baby sling/carrier! They will save your life 🙊

The fourth trimester is really a big deal OP I hope you do read up on it. Do prepare that breastfeeding takes much longer than a month to establish for some women and cluster feeding can also last the whole fourth trimester.

I’m 11 weeks PP so currently in the throes of new parenthood! What I wish people had told me (or at least NCT-complete waste of money whilst it’s all virtual IMO) was all the things that could affect your baby. My little girl has reflux, struggled with colic and the gaviscon they gave her causes constipation! So she went through a phase of being so uncomfortable that she was utterly miserable. I also didn’t realise just how much sleep they need before they cross over into overtiredness and it took a while to recognise sleepy cues (again, no mention of this in NCT) but now we are into of her naps she is much happier and rested.

The first few weeks are magical but tough as you’re healing (depending obviously on the type of birth you have) and like a pp said, you do feel sore and swollen for a lot longer than I anticipated! And I bled for a lot longer too so I definitely wouldn’t have been going to a hobby. I planned to go to the gym last week but baby slept awfully so I didn’t end up going.

You will both have to adjust, my husband plays sports and he’s had to reduce the amount of time he does it and he certainly doesn’t go every week at this stage as she’s so unpredictable still. We have a sleep routine where I take baby up to bed and sort her out in the night as am BF and he takes over from 6am each day so I can get solid blocks of sleep.

It’s so worth it though OP, she’s started smiling in the last few weeks and it’s wonderful. Even when we are both exhausted, just seeing her little face makes it all worthwhile! You most definitely aren’t ruining your life. It’s hard but it’s so so so wonderful xxxx

My baby is almost 6 weeks old now and is breastfed with the odd bottle of formula (a few a week). He is not a particularly good sleeper although we do have a run of good nights here and there. I normally nap from 8pm-11pm while my husband watches him and then I'll get another 3 or 4 hours overnight between feeds so I'm getting a decent amount of sleep although it's in 2-3 hour chunks.

We've been going out to restaurants for meals with our baby since he was less than a week old. We went to a BBQ with friends last weekend. I've joined a couple mummy groups which gets me out of the house most days for lunches and coffees. Life definitely hasn't stopped just because we have a newborn. We're lucky that he tends to sleep in his pram when out and about so no problem meeting up with friends etc.

Short and sweet:

NEWBORNS ARE BORING AS FUCK, life is pretty miserable having to do absolutely everything for some who who only has the capacity to suck (they need help with everything from burping to farting to holding their head up).

Toddlers are wild but absolutely amazing so life is infinitely more fun now, however physically exhausting and sometimes hard not to laugh at their unreasonableness.

It's such an individual experience as it is totally dependant on the child.

My son didn't sleep too badly but every few months there is a sleep regression that comes in and shits on your routine.

I personally love being a mother and did from when he was born. I had an emergency c section but recovered quickly and was up in a day or two but recovery time differs from person to person.

I couldn't breast feed and felt really guilty about that but I pumped for three months which was a fucking pain in the ass. That for me is a bad memory, waking up stinking of breast milk. I hated that smell!

My partner has always been very hands on which helps, 50/50 with everything.

DS1 was a traumatic csection with paracetamol only for pain relief (some people are ok with just paracetamol but I needed something stronger) BF failed, lead to him being hospitalised for being severely underweight, midwives were dismissive and I had horrendous PND mixed with lockdowns started 3 months after he was born.

However once I got some support, stopped breastfeeding, baby started sleeping once he was on the bottle, I actually credited lockdown as helpings have 1-1 time with DS.

He's an amazing toddler, we have a great relationship and he's so funny, great little personality.

DS2 absolutely a breeze, I went back to work after 2 weeks and DH helped with childcare (on shared maternity leave). They have a better bond, but I'm not depressed, I have time to myself, as does DH.

Going from 0-1 was hard for me, but 1-2 was a doddle.

I really didn't love the newborn stage. It's such a huge upheaval - your emotions are all over the place, you're so raw and you feel everything so intensely, you're in pain, you're sleeping at weird times of day and night so you feel like you're in a twilight zone, you're worried all the time that you're not getting it right. You have the overwhelming miracle of this beautiful baby who you love so much, but you can't help but be overwhelmed by the challenges of it too. You're profoundly aware that at that age, babies are really just tiny animals - they don't give much back, they take a lot, and they can't tell you if you're getting it right.

I then also had a non-sleeping baby who wouldn't be put down, so had a serious period of sleep deprivation which left me borderline suicidal from about 5 to 9 months.

And I know that all sounds a bit bleak BUT! My baby is now 1, and parenting him is genuinely a joy every single day. He sleeps a lot better, which helps, but also he has so much personality and is so fun and lovely to be around. In my experience once they start to develop into their own person, the whole thing is so much more rewarding and enjoyable. He is a delight to be with now, so much so that I'm contemplating having a second one day (and six months ago I was sobbing on my bathroom floor while my husband stroked my back and said 'we never have to do this again').

It would be really hard to say dependent on your baby. But I must say I really do feel its inappropriate for him to have said that considering what you have been through already you clearly wanted this baby and this seed of doubt he's put in your head is really unfair and feels like now he's not totally onboard.

If you have 2 parents that are willing to split it 50/50 of course a bit harder if your BF then it doesn't have to be completely life altering. You will need to be able to give each other a break and take turns.

Although BF didn't work out for me it worked out for our family as we are all able to pitch in and it wasn't all on me.

Yes my life did change and yes it's tiring but when you see your baby hit milestones that YOU have taught them through love, encouragement, talking there is an overwhelming feeling of love. It's hard initially because you don't get an awful lot back from a newborn but when they look you in your eyes and give their first goofy grin it's just so bloody lovely. There first giggle, roll, crawl, steps, word.

What you have inside you is a little miracle and your rainbow baby.

I wish you all the best

It's all perspective. I love it. Life is different from pre-dc, but so much richer.

I loved having a newborn other than the broken sleep and colic, I found it all fairly straightforward. I didn't doubt myself and just got on with it. My PFB was a very easy baby though. She slept through from about 6 weeks and would nap in her Moses basket for hours during the day. I followed a strictish routine and it worked for us. As she got older she would happily play in her high chair or play pen whilst I got on with things. I always showered and the house stayed clean.I really enjoyed being on Mat leave from my awful job.

Firstly - Congratulations on your pregnancy!
It is such a nerve-wracking and exciting time. Soon you will start to feel kicks, which I remember as the most reassuring, wonderful, warm feeling.

As PP have said, it really does depend on your birth experience, the easiness of baby and the support you have from family etc. I would add, to a large extent, it also depends on your expectations.

I had a C-section, a very supportive partner and a baby who woke multiple times a night until about a year old. Took 12 weeks minimum to start to emerge from the thick fog of newborn relentlessness. It was year before I started to get a bit more regular sleep, got a little sense of myself back and could have even contemplated something like an evening class.

I also didn't get that initial rush of instant love. I found my baby quite interesting and 'liked' him but didn't really feel start to feel anything like love until a good few months in (bloody adore him now as a funny and curious 3 year old. He's ace!)

I'm going to keep repeating this. My main advice is to go into it with very low expectations.

Expect to have no sleep, a chaotic house, and no time or headspace whatsoever to yourself, To resent your baby for crying yet again whilst you are just trying to do the absolute minimum like getting food into you, brushing your teeth or putting moisturiser on. Expect loading or emptying the dishwasher and putting a wash on to feel like a major achievement in a day

Don't expect to fall instantly in love with your baby. Many people do but it's not a given and it's ok if you don't. Luckily I knew this may happen so I wasn't perturbed by the lack of love. I knew the love would come little by little and it did.

My good friend nearby happened to have a baby at the same time as me.

We had very similar babies in terms of ease and (lack of) sleep. However I had much lower expectations than her of what new motherhood would be like. She ended up suffering from quite severe postnatal anxiety, which she now recognises was caused by her high expectations of herself and what mothering was going to entail. She thought that if she could just be organised and informed enough then it would be easy and fun. When it often wasn't easy or fun she thought that it was entirely her fault. Because I had much lower expectations of motherhood I was more able, emotionally, to roll with the punches.

Some of the best advice I was given before the birth is that the more you surrender (to the lack of sleep, lack of autonomy etc) the easier it becomes.

I have no idea if that's helpful. As everyone has said - its very individual experience.

Here's hoping you have an easy, sleeping baby who you fall head over heels with instantly and really get to enjoy the newborn bit as many people are lucky enough to do.

If it doesn't quite work out like that, just keep on keeping on and accept/seek help if you need it.

Wishing you and your family all the best

Some great advice here OP.
I currently have a live wire 3yo ds and a newborn. It’s made me realise that a newborn is in many ways a piece of cake. As long as feeding is going ok then basically in addition to that they just need to be warm, nappy changed when dirty and of course hugged. They stay out when you put them down and you can take them pretty much anywhere. Going for coffees etc is perfectly possible.
However as a pp has said, the thing is that you are sleep deprived. Even if they are a ‘good’ sleeper you will not be getting as much as normal. So I think a newborn can be very easy, as long as they are healthy of course and not colicky, but you will just be knackered. So I wouldn’t set high expectations for a hobby in the first few months. That will come of course, but just allow yourself to rest when you can.

@sjxoxo

Hey!! In response to sleep cycles... yes my baby had the same sleep cycle when she was born, babies tend to be nocturnal for the first 2 weeks ..not sure why..its like their night is our day visa versa ...their sleep cycle changes after about 2 weeks