What is having a newborn/young child actually like?

[AwkwardPaws27]

I've just had my 12 week scan & DH is having a wobble. He's worried we're ruining our life. I think reality has hit (this is a very planned & wanted pregnancy after three miscarriages so I'm a bit surprised that he's suddenly thinking it's not a good thing. We're definitely having the baby - I just don't want to say everything will be fine if it won't!).

Parents I know in real life seem to say its awful, so stressful, no one sleeps ever etc but then add a cheery "but it's worth it!". Can anyone shed any more light?

My mum was a single parent so did everything & never had time to herself. I've been imagining that parenting with two adults will be a bit better/easier? Am I totally daft?

I totally get that the first month or so is likely to be spent on the sofa recovering from birth, getting used to the new arrival and cluster feeding (providing BFing works out).

I thought after that we could do more - DH works from home so I was hoping to hand baby over for a bit in the evening so I could cook (I quite like cooking so making dinner while listening to a podcast would actually be quite a nice break) or take a shower; he's says he is on board with this.

He does a hobby on a Monday evening for a couple of hours, & I do mine on a Tuesday for roughly the same time - so I thought after a few months it might be realistic for us to resume these, so we both get a break & time to ourselves?

Other than that we aren't out partying anyway - a typical weekend is spent walking the dog, film & a takeaway, visiting family, making a roast etc. I imagined a baby would fit into that / that would fit in with a baby relatively well?

Am I totally delusional? Will we be up to our ears in shitty nappies for the foreseeable with no breaks or fun, or is it actually "worth it"?What makes it worth it? What can I tell him to look forward to??

I think they in the same way every pregnancy and labour are different, everyone’s experience of parenting is different.

I absolutely loved the newborn and baby stage. There were definitely days where everything went wrong but they were far outweighed by the absolute joy of seeing our baby changing a little bit every day.

Your lives will change in lots of ways but you can also take as much or as little of your old routine with you as you like. Having one evening each for a hobby won’t necessarily be unreasonable after you and the baby are settled. Personally, I found that my hobbies took a backseat until DS was about 1. But that was because I wasn’t interested in doing them, rather than not being able to.

The hardest thing I found was how long it took me to leave the house! Between feeding, changing and then getting organised to get out the door it was time for a feed again . Like anything, you find your way of doing it, your daily and weekly routines etc.

From the sounds of your weekends, a baby won’t make that much difference to your normal plans.

DH and I were married for 9 years before TTC so we travelled loads, did the fancy restaurants and all. I’m glad we had those experiences, but I wouldn’t swap what we have now for what we had then. DS is 3 now and he does/says something every day that makes us laugh. He makes my life brighter, happier and unbelievable beautiful.

It's hard but it's also the most amazing feeling in the world. I feel like the minute my daughter was born I finally understood what the point of my life was!

Depends on the baby.

Ds1 was a nightmare until he was about 4 months old. Velcro baby who never slept and screamed most of the day and night. He was much easier after that and has been mostly delightful until he hit his teens.

Ds2 was an easy baby but became a nightmare at 9 months, when he have up sleeping. He woke up several times in the night from then until he started school. He has always been much harder work than ds1.

Absolutely you should each do your hobbies to keep you sane. I hated the baby stage but everything got easier when I started to walk away and find time to be me again. I used to go for a long walk with a childless friend and our dogs at weekends and that was what I lived for! So nice to talk about something other than babies.

A month is maybe a bit optimistic to think you'll be doing hobbies and stuff. There's a thing called the fourth trimester, the idea being that human babies are born under-gestated because of the size of their heads, and need very intense holding and close contact for the first three months. Once a baby gets past 12ish weeks is when things tend to shake down a bit, four weeks is nothing.

Unfortunately nobody can tell you what it will be like because they don't have your baby and your support network. DD was a horrifyingly bad sleeper and I lived in a miserable unfriendly town when she was born; I was in a permanent fug of exhaustion and painfully lonely. DS came along a couple of years later. He was a much much better sleeper, and we had moved to a lovely friendly market town. The experience couldn't have been more different.

I second the PP who said that toddlers are fantastic. I'm a first time mum and there are so few places to say how flipping fantastic it is to have this funny little person to entertain us (and to look after.) Honestly it has disrupted and changed our lives (but can't disengage that from covid) but its more than worth it, it's just the most amazing experience of our lives and we are enjoying our lo so much.
I say this after a baby who didn't sleep through until 18 months. Sleep deprivation was horrible and birth experience was not great and genuinely was life threatening for me with injuries and complications that lasted a good while. But I would never have said parenthood was bad. Just believe in your baby and yourself, it sounds like you know you'll be ready for your lovely baby xx

At the start until they regain their birth weight newborns need to bf every 2 hours. That’s 2 hours from start of feed to the start of the next, start feeding at 1, nappy change, feed a bit more, they settle down to sleep at 2.15, 2.30 you fall asleep and at 3 your alarm goes off to feed them again. This stage lasts a week to 10 days, maybe longer. Babies cluster feed on an evening for literally hours at a time if you ff instead they may go through the witching hour instead.

It all depends on your baby but in general its exhausting. My toddler has had back to back illnesses and I haven’t had a full night sleep since August, and even then it was a rare thing.

All depends on your baby. I couldn’t meet friends for coffee frequently or always out and about with baby as DS never slept. A tiny prod and he’d be wide awake for a few hours again despite only having had a 3 minute nap. Slept only 45 mins at night.
Other than sleep, he was a dream. But it meant I couldn’t get back to my hobbies until he was 12 months and it impacted my ability to function and leave him with others for date nights as they would also be up all night and evening with him.

Also you will never know what’s it’s like until you experience it. No amount of classes or online blogs can prepare you. You will do things you wouldn’t have dreamed of doing pre child and act in ways you would have thought would be out of character for you.

Try and go along with the flow. Having a very supportive DH is key

I knew it would be hard but it’s utterly relentless. DS is only 4m so stays put and doesn’t play up but I’m anxious about toddler years and beyond. I would say it’s “fine”. Some shit bits, some lovely bits, but mostly fine and hard work.

'Question for mums- when you were pregnant- if you were waking up in the night with active baby kicking around; did you find they had the same cycles when they were born?? I’m 33 weeks & hes awake 3-4am jumping around, every night, without fail'

Nah. I have a super chilled 4 month old DD who was nuts in the womb between 11pm-4am. I was on the monitor for 2 days when in for induction and the midwives were like good luck with this one she got the hang of night and day really fast and sleeps pretty well from 7-7ish (with a few wakes for feeds and dummy insertion!)

OP your first is a big life change and a big shock to the system and it's good that you're preparing yourself for that. It takes a bit of time to become accustomed to the new you and find a way back to the things you loved pre baby. Because a lot of pregnant mums think the baby will just fit into their life - and eventually that might happen. But when you have a newborn your life will revolve around their needs first and foremost.

It's also becoming accustomed to the sheer amount of work involved - it is pretty constant and you can't really just take a break when you fancy one. Whilst parenting is easier with two in most ways it can be harder as well because you will have differences of opinion and you'll want to bludgeon him to death when he says he's tired after you've done all the night feeds the night before, that sort of thing. BUT you can get a break for a while until the baby decides it must have you and screams until you give in and take over

Despite that though they are very cute. And you'll just gaze at the gorgeous big eyes and chubby cheeks and roly poly legs and think aaah I made that, and remember how they felt in your tummy and wish you could pop them back in just for a couple of hours just to feel them back there again.

@PurBal

I knew it would be hard but it’s utterly relentless. DS is only 4m so stays put and doesn’t play up but I’m anxious about toddler years and beyond. I would say it’s “fine”. Some shit bits, some lovely bits, but mostly fine and hard work.

Toddlers are ace! I mean they're completely batshit but they're also hilarious and very sweet

Thank you to everyone who has responded - I've read them all and shared a number of them with DH. It really is appreciated.

The strong theme has definitely been sleep, so we have everything crossed for a good sleeper! If not, then the "cooking with a podcast" or "doing a hobby" will be swiftly swapped for taking a nap whilst the other person is on baby duty!

I want DH to be involved from day one & I think its important we have these conversations now. We are both not brilliant when sleep deprived (who is?) as proven when our dog was a puppy... so working out how to get enough and avoiding competitive tiredness is something we need to be conscious of.

We are lucky to have family relatively close by (30 min drive) so hopefully that support will also be helpful.

Everybody has a different experience, I found the first six months so easy all the baby did was sleep and drink milk it obviously helped that my daughter was very content. She is now 2 1/2 and an absolute terrorist day and night and this stage is by far the hardest we have experienced. However I wouldn't change any of it for the world and we still manage to socialise with the support of family and friends.

In a word: relentless.

It’s a long hard slog. Every stage has its challenges and just when you emerge from one another begins. Cluster feeding, sleep regressions, teething, potty training, bugs etc. The responsibility and relentlessness can be suffocating at times. Often it’s just the same shit, different day and repeat. That’s where having a supportive partner comes in and if you can work as a team, it will make your life infinitely easier. When my youngest was a newborn DH used to take him out in the sling during the early hours so I could get some sleep without hearing the crying - I certainly don’t miss those days 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have a 4-year-old and a 1.5-year-old now. Both hard work in different ways and I’m still very much in the trenches, but I love them and wouldn’t change being a parent for anything. They are my world. But it’s still hard 😅

@EllieSattler

A month is maybe a bit optimistic to think you'll be doing hobbies and stuff. There's a thing called the fourth trimester, the idea being that human babies are born under-gestated because of the size of their heads, and need very intense holding and close contact for the first three months. Once a baby gets past 12ish weeks is when things tend to shake down a bit, four weeks is nothing.

Unfortunately nobody can tell you what it will be like because they don't have your baby and your support network. DD was a horrifyingly bad sleeper and I lived in a miserable unfriendly town when she was born; I was in a permanent fug of exhaustion and painfully lonely. DS came along a couple of years later. He was a much much better sleeper, and we had moved to a lovely friendly market town. The experience couldn't have been more different.

Oh gosh I didn't mean a month for hobbies! I meant after a month, maybe leaving the sofa a bit and maybe making dinner while DH watched the baby I thought hobbies might be able to resume after a few months.

It’s hard
Small babies are hard - they are SO dependent
I miss my old child free life at times

However, it gets easier, and more fun. My 1.5 year old is great craic and 💯 adorable (when he’s not being a dick)

It will test you, your patience and the relationship sometimes. But it’s rewarding

Make sure your bear the work and the responsibility equally.

Don’t sweat the hard or scary bits - it usually fine -and don’t sweat the small stuff, it’s usually fine.
Celebrate small victories like a successful nap or an extra hours sleep - but take each day as it comes.
Some are shit, but the next one could be grand.

Make use of your support network as much as you can, if you can, and try to make sure to make time for yourselves when you can to keep yourself sane and to keep your identity.

Good luck - you will love it (most of the time!)

My DD is 9months and I've found some days are wonderful, others are bloody awful! The good generally outweigh the bad!
First 2 weeks she had undiagnosed silent reflux which caused a lot of crying and screaming all round. Once that was sorted she slept pretty well at night for the first 5 months or so until sleep regressions started. She's always slept quite badly during the day- only on me, annoying but not the end of the world.
Im generally up 3-4 times a night for 10-15mins at a time, it's not bad and im used to it now.
In hindsight I wish I'd done mixed feeding earlier as I've been trying for 3 months now and she still won't take a bottle or cup 😩
I had a massive panic when I was about 12weeks. Thinking I'd made a huge mistake and it was going to be horrific and the end of any quality of life. It's very different now, but not totally terrible. I miss being able to go to dinner on a whim and drink lots of wine but little baby snuggles and her proud little smile when she does something new is all worth it. Good luck!

I echo others who've said it depends on the baby. I have an almost 9mo, and comparing him to some of the other babies I know, I've been quite lucky so far in that after we got through the newborn stage he generally sleeps, naps and eats pretty well and is overall quite chilled and happy.

I had to specify after the newborn stage because it really is different and it's 100% the bit I've found the hardest so far! Mine was totally nocturnal for the first month or so, would barely make a peep during the day and then would scream all night. I also don't think I could have prepared for the level of emotion I had in that first couple of weeks, mainly caused by the hormones but I also really struggled with breastfeeding and this got me down a lot in the early days.

In terms of your lifestyle I don't see any problems with a baby fitting in, and you'll make it work anyway. Some days will be tough of course but as others have said, make sure you support each other and before you know it that newborn fog will clear a bit and you'll find yourself beaming with pride as your little one gives you a grin or a giggle for the first time. Then after that it's just amazing and fascinating, plus rewarding, seeing them develop.

A mum friend I met said to me she felt like in the newborn days she felt a primal sort of love, like a real protective urge, but then as the baby grew that love developed and grew into more as the bond got stronger and they got to know each other. I definitely related to this. I think it took me 6 weeks to get to know my son! And he's been changing ever since so I'm always playing catch up

It's so hard to imagine it before you're in it, and you can't ever really fully prepare in my opinion but I do think it's utterly worth it. Congratulations and good luck !

The good outweighs the bad.
There are lots of ups and downs, you learn to function pretty well on little sleep and get through it day by day.

We have 6 little beauties from 5 pregnancies, 1st was the toughest adjustment but the rest just slot in to family life. Dh works away a lot but I'm a sahm which makes things easier.

I also meant to say - routine is key - it’s repetitive as hell.. take turns doing morning rises and bedtimes

Having a newborn is my favourite thing!! Yes you are tired but the they feed and sleep and are just snuggly and are portable!

6 months to a year is just lush at this little person that developing and interacting..

1-2 is lovely as they develop language..

Then they turn 3 and turn into demons..

Xxx

For me the first 5 weeks were fine, in a bit of a bubble, still had a lot of adrenaline, baby slept a lot. Then the next 2 months were so so hard, I had to stop breastfeeding in the end because cluster feeding was so tough on me and we just couldn’t settle her for day naps in her cot (ever) she basically only slept in the pram or sling.

By 3 months though I felt heaps better, did go on AD for PND which helped. BUT my husband was also made redundant just before the birth so it was a stressful time for him with anxieties about getting a new job. It did mean we had 2 full time parents and we really did half and half which was a lifesaver.

Sleep deprivation is shit and in my experience men find it much harder to adjust to the fact they have less freedom and can’t be as selfish as they were (maybe won’t apply to you but definitely my experience). I think with pregnancy you have a much longer period to adjust.

I was back lifting weights at 10wk pp, 3mth old baby girl watches me in her rocker. I trained through pregnancy so she isn't bothered by the noise. She's the best sleeper we've had too which is awesome.

There’s lots of helpful points here. This is probably not helpful in the slightest but going to drop this Michael McIntyre clip here, makes me belly laugh every time! Maybe validating your husbands fears is the way to go?! In seriousness, I thought having a baby was going to be great, I thought I knew about kids from friends and family. Turns out I had not a clue and nothing prepared me for the relentlessness of it. DH thought it would be awful and probably enjoyed it more than me!!

Anyway I think what is conveyed in this clip is the bit that is hard to prepare for. The sheer frustration of How. Many. Fucking. Things. Won’t. Go. How. You. Want. Them. To. He’s taking about kids, but even leaving the house with a baby can take all day. I remember hearing people saying it was a good day when they were dressed by 5 and thinking wtf? It’s true. Maybe not for everyone, but it was for me! It’s best to try and have as best a sense of humour as you can, communicate well with your partner and cherish one another, try to keep the mum anxieties low by sharing them and not googling much. You’ll both be grand. And it is worth it. This baby will help you grow up.

The first few weeks after the birth was a shock for me, but to be honest, even with my first and even with the tiredness of night feeds, I loved having a newborn and loved having a toddler, who could chat to me about things, even more.

My ex H was useless though, it really exposed the cracks in our relationship. I changed and grew up and he didn’t.

I find them harder when they get to about 6, for some reason!

But the baby and toddler stage, especially when you just have one to give attention to, can be blissful. I used to head back to bed when my DS did, during the day, and nap with him. I have lovely memories of lying in bed reading, with him asleep snuggled up on my chest. I read a lot in the early months 😊

Baby may not sleep, and you may be exhausted and desperate for some rest, but the second they actually fall asleep you might miss them and stare intently, checking their breathing and too wide awake to snooze yourself, until they wake up and then you are exhausted again and just want them to go to sleep.

You will push and strive for every skill, development and milestone, and celebrate each one with photos and updates to family and friends. But with each one you will mourn the loss of the ‘newborn’ or the ‘baby’ stage as little one grows much too fast. Even as you coax and encourage them to learn the next new thing you will wish that time could pause for just a little while.

You may want everyone to go away and leave you in peace, just you and your baby. Until you’re alone, and everyone is busy, then you might feel incredibly lonely.

You will probably aim to give your baby the absolute best. You can set yourself unrealistic expectations, and feel like an utter failure when you don’t live up to them. But then you will get a cuddle that reminds you that to baby, you are the best person in the whole world, and nothing else matters.

All babies and families are different so no one can say exactly what your experience will be like. There will probably be difficult bits, but there will be amazing bits too. Go with the flow, and enjoy it, because the bad bits don’t last forever and the good bits whizz by in a flash, but will be treasured memories forever.