What is having a newborn/young child actually like?

[AwkwardPaws27]

I've just had my 12 week scan & DH is having a wobble. He's worried we're ruining our life. I think reality has hit (this is a very planned & wanted pregnancy after three miscarriages so I'm a bit surprised that he's suddenly thinking it's not a good thing. We're definitely having the baby - I just don't want to say everything will be fine if it won't!).

Parents I know in real life seem to say its awful, so stressful, no one sleeps ever etc but then add a cheery "but it's worth it!". Can anyone shed any more light?

My mum was a single parent so did everything & never had time to herself. I've been imagining that parenting with two adults will be a bit better/easier? Am I totally daft?

I totally get that the first month or so is likely to be spent on the sofa recovering from birth, getting used to the new arrival and cluster feeding (providing BFing works out).

I thought after that we could do more - DH works from home so I was hoping to hand baby over for a bit in the evening so I could cook (I quite like cooking so making dinner while listening to a podcast would actually be quite a nice break) or take a shower; he's says he is on board with this.

He does a hobby on a Monday evening for a couple of hours, & I do mine on a Tuesday for roughly the same time - so I thought after a few months it might be realistic for us to resume these, so we both get a break & time to ourselves?

Other than that we aren't out partying anyway - a typical weekend is spent walking the dog, film & a takeaway, visiting family, making a roast etc. I imagined a baby would fit into that / that would fit in with a baby relatively well?

Am I totally delusional? Will we be up to our ears in shitty nappies for the foreseeable with no breaks or fun, or is it actually "worth it"?What makes it worth it? What can I tell him to look forward to??

I would advise to let your feelings flow for the first few months and not make any huge assumptions. I’ve always loved my little boy but in those first few months, gosh I thought I had ruined my life. This was in the midst of the very first lockdown though so it’s hard to say if that had an impact, but wow it was rough. He was a refluxy, colicky angry newborn though.

I thought having a baby would just mean I had my life plus a baby, but he’s actually rewritten every part of my life and turned it upside down and back to front, the ground beneath my feet feels different, streets and places I’ve been all my life are different, my whole outlook and purpose has changed. I’m so glad it has, he’s truly the best thing to ever happen to me, but I did not ever expect the enormity of the change having a baby was going to bring with my life. I thought after a few months I’d feel ‘normal’ again but I never have.

We’re 20 months in now and my hobbies still haven’t started, but I work full time and still breastfeed him and he wakes up quite a bit still.

It’s still so very demanding, and there’s things like having to make sure they nap, making sure you’re home in time for bed, that I just totally never considered (stupidly), but it’s incredible, I’ve never known love like it, he’s my pride and joy.

As @ISeeTheLight said, it depends on the baby. I had the same experience with my first - undiagnosed multiple allergies, screamed for months, didn't sleep, I ended up with PND.
Second child was an absolute dream and I loved the first year.
So it really depends on what you get.

Everyones experiences are so different it's not a one size fits but....

Personally I found having a newborn easy I adored every moment of it. I find toddlers hard work but it's all a season Isn't it. It's more than worth it. It hasn't ruined my life it's made my life ☺️ I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. Sure the days can be long abs hard work sometimes but yes it's more than worth it.

This first year was rough for me I had a traumatic emcs heammorage and sepsis which then led to ptsd and pnd. So I struggled massively with a newborn who honestly barely slept due to toungue tie and colic, I got severe sleep deprivation. I was also unhealthily determined to succeed and a breastfeeding, even though it was making my nipples bleed.

I do shudder thinking back to them days and don’t know how I survived. But on the other hand once the tongue tie was cut I did love breastfeeding and il always remember them little eyes looking back at me like I was the best thing ever.
Mine started sleeping through at 11 months and that was a game changer and helped me heal mentally, we even had a 6 month period of 7pm-10/11am sleeping! So I had a hard newborn but an amazing toddler. My sons 2.5 years old now and absolutely amazing , makes me laugh everyday and we have full conversations-this has been the easiest age so far, he’s so chilled and I can see that it’s all worth it.
Get as much support as you can you won’t want to do a lot at first the sleep deprivation is a shock. Also many births go smoothly so fingers crossed yours does x

I think your expectations are realistic, in terms of getting back into cooking and going back to weekly hobbies after a few months. My partner started doing evening football when she was about a month, and cooking our dinner was something I really enjoyed getting back to when we had a routine and my partner did the baby's bath.

As for fitting in with your plans like walks, brunch etc - yeah as long as you have friends who are accommodating it's doable. I'm embarrassed to say that before we had kids we didn't really "get" our friends who had X window between baby's naps, or who could never do lunches because of their routine. We didn't understand what it was like, and I now try to be far more flexible with our friends who have new babies. I have to say not all your friends will get their heads around it, and.... hey, that's OK. You might not see much of them but if they're good friend you'll find your way back together again. And in the meantime you make new friends with people in the same position, and have amazing new friendships texting at 2am at the end of your tether, or walking round the park with a coffee. I've met kind, lovely people through being a mum.

My baby had reflux and was very needy and cried a lot. In hindsight the early months were very, very tough on us. But we also adored her, and the hormones seemed to help me stay very zen about it all. I know it's not like that for everyone but I was actually OK at getting into the mindset that she couldn't help it, her needs came first, I was just there to be her mummy for a while and forget about everything else. And that does fade, but what's amazing is how brief the baby period really is. It doesn't last long. Obviously you are a parent forever, and raising kids isn't easy, but it really is worth it - your days don't look the same at all but I've found that we have a lot of joy and new adventures.

So, yes, things will change. You can't predict what your baby will be like. You can't really mould them into the child you'd like them to be, they're going to do them by and large. But that's not a death sentence. It's still lovely, it's just super different. Good luck! All will be well.

It SO depends on the baby.

If feeding and sleeping go well then all sorts of things are possible.

If they don’t go well ( unsurprisingly the two are linked) then it is a real shit show and you will be just surviving and wondering wtf you have done.

If you have a difficult baby the silver lining is that having a toddler will be awesome by comparison.

My advice: throw everything at getting feeding and sleeping sorted. Feeding first as that often sorts sleep.

And if you want your DH fully involved going forward then insist he does at least one month of solo parental leave. Otherwise you will become the default parent.

Ha great clip I do like Michael McIntyre's angry rants about parenting small children, they are bang on!

Oops that was to Heruka

Also get your family to come to you if possible. A 30 min drive isn’t far for an adult but it’s a myth that all babies love and sleep in the car. Mine went batshit in it for the first 3 months and because she was a lockdown baby we didn’t really need to drive anywhere so we didn’t force it, she’s still a bit iffy at 8 months. Also sleeping through will happen for maybe 2% of women in the first 3 months and maybe 5-10% in the first 6. Everyone else I know still deals with at least 1/2 wakes a night up to a year.

You're not being daft at all! Our DD was a very much wanted baby, after many miscarriages. It was hard, but not as hard as I imagined.

We had our DD in June 2020- so we experienced having a newborn during lockdown. This was the hard bit- not having family/friends on standby for support or having any opportunity to go out with/without DD. We were at home 24/7.

DD was an easy baby. After a small bout of jaundice and trial and error with nipple shields, she latched on and we were away!
I have many fond memories of being snuggled on the sofa with DD cluster feeding, whilst I binged Netflix and ate lots of cake. Bliss. Nights were a bit difficult as she didn't like to be put down (Queen of Sheba springs to mind) so we both did shifts. DH stayed up with DD from 8pm-1am and I did 1am-6am. (I expressed milk too and/or supplemented with formula for DH's shift) lasted about 2/3 months then she settled in next to me cot.

I think you'll be fine. Honestly. Just be realistic with your expectations. Definitely hand baby over to your DH every day for an hour or two whilst you shower and cook, if that's what you'd like to do. Keep up your hobbies too, if you want to! You both may feel differently once baby is here...and that's fine too!

Just play it by ear and see how to both feel. Keep communicating with each other and make sure you both have at least half an hour/ an hour to yourselves each day.

Enjoy it. As cliché as it sounds, it goes so fast! I can't believe our DD is nearly 18 months.

You are definitely not ruining your lives. It won't be the same but it will be enhanced

Once baby is born you and your life, as you know it now, simply changes and you evolve and grow as people as parents. Time is precious in both worlds for completely different reasons .. for now enjoy simply having a hot fresh coffee in peace and quiet without fear of spilling it on baby or stone cold ( cold brew was probably invented by an exhausted sleep deprived tired mother); work on the sleep and sex bank; and doing what you want when you want to;

Time with baby the first few months honestly depends on the baby, sleep, routines and supporting each other. You both find your own personal breaking points of exhaustion and other highs of pure joy, especially watching your baby sleep in a dozy milky slumber and the first smile or grimace with a filled nappy .. and you will learn to fake sleep when you hear your partner say “ your turn for the baby cry at 2am or find a quick excuse to deal with a horrific explosive nappy.

Your days are filled with many wonderful firsts.. you never look back.. and you will realise time goes fast and slow in equal measure ( all depending on how tired or hangry you are ).

Accept all help if offered - even just to watch baby do laundry or make you a hot cuppa or enjoy a shower in peace. You become stronger and learn everyone has an opinion about everything you do. Let most opinions brush over you and trust your own instincts. You got this .. It’s natural to have a panic.. here is no instruction book with your baby it’s the hardest & most satisfying 24/7 full time role - unpaid.

I found it a real shock, having a baby was like throwing a hand grenade into my life and especially my relationship with DH. Baby was not a good sleeper and due to BF the burden all fell on me. I was very resentful and angry a lot of the time with DH due to being so sleep deprived. And I actually do quite well on little sleep. In fairness we also had a lot of other stuff going on including lockdown starting when DD was tiny. Our relationship has never really been the same since, although it’s in a much better state than it was during DD’s first year.

I wasn’t very into going out or especially sociable before having DD so I underestimated the impact it would have on my life. I found it very difficult to be dictated to by a tiny, unreasonable human being, and never getting time alone. I found it hard to adjust to not being in control of how I spent my time. It sounds silly but I miss things like staying in bed drinking tea on the weekends and just being quiet and by myself.

Having said all that. It is so utterly worth it, for me. I love DD in a way that I never knew it was possible to love someone. She is coming on for two now and she is such a little character. I experience such joy at seeing the world through her eyes, watching and helping her learn new things, and seeing her personality emerge. Being her mother is a real privilege. I am a little person’s whole world, her ultimate comfort. Snuggling up with her and feeling her little chubby hand in mine… those are moments I wish I could bottle. It’s a really special thing. The love and the joy I feel makes up for the downsides, for me. Motherhood also puts a lot of other things into perspective and I feel a lot more confident and care less about some things than I used to, which is good for me.

The baby stage is actually a very short time, though it doesn’t necessarily feel that way at the time! In many ways parenting a toddler is harder than a baby, but the shock of it all has worn off and we’re in a good rhythm. I imagine there will be positives and negatives to every age, but ultimately the extreme dependency (the life ruining bit) is a finite part. I am expecting baby number two in a few months, actually!

Hi OP,
I think others have said it really well but just to add my experience, I found parenting a tiny baby very difficult. My situation was complicated because my first little girl was stillborn, so when pregnant with her brother I never prepared to bring him home because I didn’t really believe I would, this was during covid as well and I vividly remember being sat in the postnatal ward on my own post c section just holding him and thinking I have no idea what to do with you! I had to buzz the midwife to show me how to put his nappy on! I have blissful memories of being snuggled on the sofa watching box sets, but it was lockdown so I was very lonely, he didn’t sleep well and I was so sleep deprived. I loved him but I found parenting very overwhelming. However, since he’s been about ten months (and started sleeping better) it’s just got better and better, he is so funny, you can see their little personality come through and it’s just amazing. So you might have a really chilled baby and love the newborn phase, but even if you don’t and it’s relentless, you will come out of the other side of that and have this amazing little person, honestly I cannot wait and get so excited thinking of all the adventures we’re going to have.
Like others have said, communication is key with your partner and try and be kind to each other despite the sleep deprivation (I’m not always good at that!)
Oh and in terms of hobbies, definitely do able, I started my running group again when DS was maybe 8 months old and was going down in his cot on the evening, he’s 15 months now and I went to yoga last night and went running tonight. Having family nearby helps, DS is staying at grandparents for a night this weekend and we’ll have a few drinks and a lie in, bliss. I breastfed and still do but he had a bottle of expressed milk from 2 days old and that made a huge difference in terms of me being able to get a stretch of sleep and having a bit of freedom as he got bigger.

Good luck OP, it’s a wild ride but it will be worth it xxx

*sorry 2 weeks old for the bottle, not two days!

Awful.

It's worse if you get a dreadful sleeper. But even a 'good' sleeper is pretty horrific.

And I don't think "it's worth it" really rings true for the first few years at least. There's very little joy in the first 2years IME.

I found parenthood frustrating at best. I was suicidal at worst. I felt imprisoned in my new life. It was suffocating.

0/10 would not recommend.

As others have said it really does depend on the baby. Newborns aren't terrible. I find this stage easy. You can take them anywhere. They sleep and feed. So everything you enjoy now (walks, roasts, visiting family etc) you can still do. Personally I find toddlers harder to manage. It is hard & it does change everything. We miss our life pre-kids occasionally but obviously wouldn't change a thing!

@JunoMcDuff

Awful.

It's worse if you get a dreadful sleeper. But even a 'good' sleeper is pretty horrific.

And I don't think "it's worth it" really rings true for the first few years at least. There's very little joy in the first 2years IME.

I found parenthood frustrating at best. I was suicidal at worst. I felt imprisoned in my new life. It was suffocating.

0/10 would not recommend.

I'm so sorry this has been your experience. I hope it's improved.

@Anybridget7 you are like the opposite to me. I find the newborn stage so tough and couldn't do anything but absolutely adored the toddler stage and found it a breeze in comparison!

It is simultaneously an absolutely massive shock and the best thing in the world.

I found the baby stage awful because he didn't sleep more than 3 hours for 14 months. It was the hardest time of my life by a long long way. BUT he's a proper toddler now and I absolutely love it! I could have a million toddlers. But I was surprised to learn that I really don't like babies

When things are tough, you need to remind yourself that it does get better. It gets bloody awesome and the rubbish bit, although it feels like forever, is temporary.

Personally, I think it's all down to sleep. Everything is so much harder when you're tired. If you have support and somebody offers to help, take it and sleep.

When they smile at you or learn something new it makes you feel absolutely amazing, it's the best feeling you will ever know.

Good luck with your baby!

OP, if your husband works from home, see if he’ll wear baby in a sling for naps while he’s working. Mine did, baby slept for much longer than she would otherwise and I had time to myself to nap or do whatever.

Totally depends on the baby. And also on you.

After both births, I was out walking the dog the day I got home from hospital, baby in sling or pram. None of this sitting around at home bullshit. I remember sitting in coffee shops reading newspapers while newborn slept. It was lush. And yes, I was breastfeeding.

DC1 was such a dream baby. I went to the cinema on my own when baby was 3 weeks old. I went to a party with some of my girlfriends when baby was 5 weeks old! DC1 was so happy to stay with DH and take a bottle of expressed milk etc.

DC2 was a nightmare newborn and couldn't be away from me for more than 10 seconds. Didn't matter so much as I also had DC1 to look after at home too but I really had no time for myself for months. It was excruciating.

On the whole I find parenting quite easy. They're 4 and 2 now. Fab little children!

I’m 2.5 months in with a (reasonably) chilled baby, and I haven’t resumed any hobbies yet. When I have free time I usually want to 1) sleep and 2) collapse with a drink and the TV. As others have said, try not to plan and just go with the flow- you can’t know how you’ll feel or what the baby will be like at this stage. Also depends how much support you have (family or paid.)

I also disagree with those who’ve called newborns ‘portable’- transport is hard, feeding in public can be awkward, some babies don’t sleep well outside the home/bedroom, loud crying babies in restaurants can be embarrassing- so no, moving them around isn’t always easy. For that reason maternity leave can get lonely and isolating.

It’s ‘worth it’ because the love I feel for my baby is very special, but I also enormously miss my old life. It’s strange how I’m feeling the 2 things at once.

When I was in first 6 or 8 weeks I never thought I'd have time to myself again.
Baby clusterfed and didn't sleep much. I had a straightforward birth but some significant 'downstairs' issues which took months to heal.

I slept 30 or 40 mins at a time through the night (she woke up every hour) for weeks on end - there are DAYS I don't remember.

My DH helped a lot - and did everything he could except bottle feed as baby won't take a bottle (we're still trying, 20 weeks in!)
We slept in different rooms so one of us had close to 8h and could function / make deciisons / cook / drive where needed as I was WAY too sleep deprived to have reactions or decision making capacity. He also worked a brand new job.

It got better.

I now do my hobby 1 or 2 nights a week, and on a weekend we do trips out so DH and I get to do our out of town hobbies, both watching DD while the other does their thing.
Baby is learning adventure is part of what we do as a family.
Baby also sleeps and I get maybe 2 wake ups a night (7-7).

I've not left baby for more than 2h yet - she's bfeeding and still gets super cranky if she doesn't feed every 2h or so... but we're getting there.

Baby has lots of 'aunties' at my hobby location - sometimes we go up to the venue just we two, and she gets lots of cuddles with people I'm happy to leave her with while I do my session there (I can be got at any time if she flips)

My brain needs to re-adapt to leaving her as much as she needs to learn that she can be with other people.

It's all problem solving and working as a team with your partner / other care-givers.

Things are possible.
but write off the first 6 or 8 weeks. Just survive those.

I totally get that the first month or so is likely to be spent on the sofa recovering from birth, getting used to the new arrival and cluster feeding (providing BFing works out).

This is realistic and it's great that you even recognise this but don't underestimate how hard that can be. Establishing breastfeeding is very hard and requires a lot of feeding, especially when they have growth spurts. Be kind to yourself and don't plan to do anything during that time. I'd say by 6-8 weeks you may well start to turn a corner. Having said that whether you can escape for a few hours to do your hobby will depend on if you baby will take a bottle or not. Best to play it by ear. You both need to communicate well before and after the birth. Be kind to each other as this is a very steep learning curve. Share the load though - hard if you're breastfeeding but this is where DH needs to step up with the other things he can do like taking on a bigger share of the household duties etc. It does get easier but don't underestimate the impact and shock of those first few months.

It's a big life change but I have actually loved becoming a mum. I am far happier than I was before, I was an anxious mess before I had my baby. I was also really scared by parenthood and also heard a lot of horror stories but I'm here to tell you it's not like that for everyone. Obviously you won't always get a full nights sleep, I am only just getting a full nights sleep a few times a week now that baby is 5 months, but this is expected. As long as you know what to expect you'll be okay