New Baby & WFH. Is it do-able? Or am I kidding myself?

[expectinglittlebear]

Unfortunately my employer do not offer any enhanced maternity pay and therefore only offer SMP. I am due our first baby in January.

Due to finances, I am only able to take 8 weeks of maternity leave (6 weeks SMP and 2 weeks annual leave tagged on the end). Childcare is also extortionate (and also wouldn't want to leave my baby with anyone that young, bar family), so my employer have offered for me to WFH 4 days a week, and then my mum will be looking after baby the other day so I can go into the office (Husband works full time). I am very grateful for this opportunity to WFH around baby as we wouldn't be able to afford for me to be off work, or pay for childcare. So after my 8 weeks off, I will be back to working full time, while caring for our baby too.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and gone back to working full time after a short maternity leave, working from home and caring for baby - is it doable or am I completely kidding myself thinking I can work around baby at home full time? For context, I am an office manager and PA, but my job is relatively easy and stress free. It would be the odd zoom call meeting, but other than that just mainly working from a laptop.

@expectinglittlebear

Thank you to all of those that have actually genuinely offered tips / tried to respond. Regretting posting now to be honest... I have always found Mumsnet such a lovely caring place, not one that is rather 'judgey'.

• Yes my employer knows and is fine with it.
• Yes my job is rather easy and stress free and yes my employers know exactly how 'easy' my workload is.
• No, childcare help is not an option initially. As mentioned this is only a temporary set up. Childcare WILL be an option before baby turns 1, once we have had a bit more chance to save.
• I find it rather rude that everyone is making comments about how my DH will be contributing... He will be a parent to his child, just as much as I will be. He is going to be an amazing father, just as much as he is an amazing husband. Due to his job type he can't WFH, he is also the main earner so he can't reduce his hours. He will be doing his part when he gets home of an evening / throughout the night / in the mornings.

Also I can't find it now, but the person who commented saying along the lines of 'shouldn't of had a child if you couldn't afford one' ... WOW. If you had taken the time to read my posts, you would have known that 1. I was told by doctors it would be very difficult for me to have children, 2. when we fell pregnant (very quickly to our surprise and happiness) we had money saved - enough for me to take a longer maternity, 3. sh** happens and our savings have taken a hit over the past few months. I think you need to take a look at yourself, and really think about what you say to people before commenting!! Your post did not add anything to the thread, other than maliciousness.

Again, thank you to everyone who genuinely took the time to answer and offer advice and read through my posts.

I am a regular poster on other talk topics on here, but this was the first and last time I will be asking for any advice on the Parenting thread. A rather shockingly judgemental place.

No one is being judgemental.

You're just being naive and tantrumming about the fact we're not all telling you you're 100% right

"thank you to the few of you that agreed with me"

OP, I don't think people are really judging you (beyond thinking you're being over-optimistic but then that's the human condition). If you really have no other option, you will probably find a way to muddle through and make it work. But... and this is a big but...it will be at the expense of your health and enjoyment of your maternity leave. Even if you cope, you will probably end up looking back on this as being a nightmare time when you were trying to keep everyone (including your newborn baby) happy and ending up pleasing no one. So yes, grit your teeth and you will probably get though it... but you will end up feeling like a slave who never gets a break or a hamster on a wheel turning 24/7. You may also feel very lonely as baby groups will be off-limits to you and you won't have a chance to meet other mums. There will never be a time, night or day, that isn't "scheduled" for doing something and is just your time.

OP, you asked a blunt question “can I work from home with a newborn or am I kidding myself?” and (some) people have given blunt answers. Many many more women have generously shared their own experiences of a deeply intimate, difficult and personal time in their lives to help you make a more informed decision. IMO, then, you are the one being judgemental and rude. Just because you don’t like what their insight means for your situation, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show gratitude for them having taken the time to share it.

All I can say OP, is that I hope your relationship with your DH has improved since July. He doesn't sound like an amazing partner to me
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a4295482-Couples-counselling-Can-it-work?msgid=109039024#109039024

I imagine in April you will be posting on here exhausted expected to do it all. If you are don't say we didn't warn you.

It's not judgmental to say that we have experience of something you haven't done yet, and therefore have a better idea of how manageable your suggestion will be.

Of course you might have a very easy birth, no complications or birth injuries, healthy, easy baby who sleeps a lot in their crib and feeds well, doesn't cluster feed all evening and doesn't cry all day for no apparent reason. In that case you might well be able to get some work done. It's fairly unlikely though.

@daphnedeloresmoorhead

Oh dear...

Dont get me started on the my dh will help out sh*t
It's all it will be 50/50 before baby arrives but then your hubby will soon decide as he is the breadwinner and you aren't muh sleep is more precious.
In the newborn days it will be well you're on maternity leave I'm working I need the rest.
If you're lucky and he does actually pick up the slack then you will be in the minority.

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead

All I can say OP, is that I hope your relationship with your DH has improved since July. He doesn't sound like an amazing partner to me www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a4295482-Couples-counselling-Can-it-work?msgid=109039024#109039024

I imagine in April you will be posting on here exhausted expected to do it all. If you are don't say we didn't warn you.

Oh it gets worse

OP sounds in an impossible situation, cheating nasty husband, financially not great, and (maybe) under pressure from work to return full time before having arrangements for her child.

Honestly OP, no one is saying wfh and a new baby won’t work to be nasty. They’re trying to be helpful, it’s just not the answers you were hoping for. I’d speak to someone (citizens advise, money matters, your midwife?) about your situation and see what help there is out there.

Op by all means give it a go, just don't be shocked if it's a lot more gruelling than you expected.
I would not look at this as a long term solution, only a very short term one.

@juliainthedeepwater

OP, you asked a blunt question “can I work from home with a newborn or am I kidding myself?” and (some) people have given blunt answers. Many many more women have generously shared their own experiences of a deeply intimate, difficult and personal time in their lives to help you make a more informed decision. IMO, then, you are the one being judgemental and rude. Just because you don’t like what their insight means for your situation, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show gratitude for them having taken the time to share it.

Couldn't agree more.

Also re your update about how "amazing your Dh is" - do you really not see why people would think having a baby with this man was a terrible idea?
You wrote a thread, earlier this year stating -
He cheated on you.
Not only did he have sex with her, he gave you chlamydia.
He calls you fat, and says you're insane when you have doubts.

Op - if you think THAT is an amazing husband, you are bitterly wrong, and quire naive. Perhaps which is why, you are being equally naive about the set up you're describing regarding working from home. You cannot rely on that man for help. Surely you know that.

Again why can't DH take shared parental leave? He will get some pay surely for that and that way can care for baby while you settle back into work. At the very least get you to 12 weeks when you might be able to find some other childcare for the baby.

No one is judging you. We're just answering your question honestly.

If it was doable, don't you think more women would do it?

In lockdown one all my key worker friends who were working at home kept their kids at home. They didn't take up the childcare places they could have.

In lockdown one they ALL took up their places. Other parents I know were desperately trying to figure out if they could claim key worker status.

Surely this tells you something.

I'll tell you a tale about listening to people OP.
When I returned to work after my year off I wanted to work 3x 10 hour shifts. My managers wouldn't allow it and I stripped and stamped my feet. They allowed me to work 2 9hr days but the remainder was split between 2 days. I was enraged and angry. They said I would be exhausted and didn't realise how hard it was combining work and a 1yo.

They were right.

I find it rather rude that everyone is making comments about how my DH will be contributing... He will be a parent to his child, just as much as I will be. He is going to be an amazing father, just as much as he is an amazing husband. Due to his job type he can't WFH, he is also the main earner so he can't reduce his hours. He will be doing his part when he gets home of an evening / throughout the night / in the mornings.

I'd bet my home equity there's not been a discussion about any sort of shared parental leave.

Parenting is HARD op. Hundreds of posters have taken time to explain just how hard it has been for them WITHOUT a full time job. And supportive husbands.

Good luck.

I didn't strip 😂
I stropped.

Really and truly OP, if I want anything for you, it's that you have the knowledge to try and avoid putting yourself in a situation that breaks you. Becoming a new mother is hard enough without having the prospect of returning full time at 8 weeks without any childcare at all. The metaphorical battlefield is littered with the bodies of women* who thought that having a baby would be quite manageable and things wouldn't really change a lot, and also with the hollowed shells of marriages where "DH will be a great dad, because he's such a great husband!"

*not literally, this is a metaphor

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead

All I can say OP, is that I hope your relationship with your DH has improved since July. He doesn't sound like an amazing partner to me www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a4295482-Couples-counselling-Can-it-work?msgid=109039024#109039024

I imagine in April you will be posting on here exhausted expected to do it all. If you are don't say we didn't warn you.

Oh Bloody Hell.

OP, I stand by every word I have said about how difficult you will find this, and how your "amazing husband" might not be so amazing when it comes to it.

(As a side note, I am sick of reading about these "amazing" husbands/fathers. What's so "amazing" about someone who's nice, kind, honest, works hard, shares the load? Surely it's just being a decent person).

Tbh in your situation I would give it a try. My babies slept through from 8 weeks. Only up once a night from 2 weeks. To put it bluntly you don't have much choice but at least your employer realises the situation they put you in by not giving emp. Maybe they will rethink their policy for the future when they can afford it.

I say give it a try, might as well. I'm sure you will find ways to get in to a new routine. Hope it all goes well!

@ChikiTIKI

Tbh in your situation I would give it a try. My babies slept through from 8 weeks. Only up once a night from 2 weeks. To put it bluntly you don't have much choice but at least your employer realises the situation they put you in by not giving emp. Maybe they will rethink their policy for the future when they can afford it.

I say give it a try, might as well. I'm sure you will find ways to get in to a new routine. Hope it all goes well!

The problem is she can't "give it a try" discover it doesn't work and go back on maturnity leave. Once her leave is ended it is ended. She could try a couple of kit days at 7 weeks and then make a decision but a few days is not the same as the best part of a year. Even if it's doable with a 8 week old it doesn't mean it will still work three months later with a child that is mobile and when the OP discovers that she can't drop back onto maturnity leave - that ship will have sailed.

Sorry, it's impossible. When my son was born my husband was furloughed and so at home with us full time for the first 8 months. Even so, I wouldn't have been able to work full time during this time due to being sleep deprived, distracted by the crying baby, and needing to breastfeed and do skin to skin.

@stalkersaga

Really and truly OP, if I want anything for you, it's that you have the knowledge to try and avoid putting yourself in a situation that breaks you. Becoming a new mother is hard enough without having the prospect of returning full time at 8 weeks without any childcare at all. The metaphorical battlefield is littered with the bodies of women* who thought that having a baby would be quite manageable and things wouldn't really change a lot, and also with the hollowed shells of marriages where "DH will be a great dad, because he's such a great husband!"

*not literally, this is a metaphor

yes yes yes!

OP, did you read anything I posted about babies' needs from their carers? To sum up: babies who aren't receiving social attention cry and demand it, because it is a need. This will be draining to you if you are not able to provide it, or have someone else to do it. This is also not fair to your baby. I had no idea how socially and emotionally demanding it was to be alone with a baby till I did it - I was an introvert before (still am) - and this is why mothers of babies are always meeting up - they are pooling social and emotional resources (whether they are doing it consciously or not, whether it came naturally before or not)

In your earlier thread your now-husband was having a go at you about money even before you were pregnant. This is worrying. Is this why you think you need to earn money, even while looking after a newborn?

I don't like the sound of your husband at all. Even the good ones usually fail when it comes to the parenting shitface.

Here is my advice: take maternity leave and let your husband pay for it, on credit cards if need be. That way you can keep your job and it will be a good thing to be in work when you need to leave him. Don't try the "do both" plan, because you will burn out and have terrible physical and mental health, and no job, which will make leaving him much much harder. Don't take financial responsibility which rightly belongs to him, just because he has been a shit about money in the past, and at the expense of you and your baby's health and development. Let the debts mount up and look to being as well as you can for the future, the long game, and the rest of your life.

Why bother posting if you don't want answers unless they say what you want them to? Most people aren't judging but being realistic based on experience that you don't have yet. No one has said your DH will be a terrible father so not sure why defensive, but reasonably asked what he will be doing work wise rather than just expecting you to take the entire load on.

I've just read your other thread.

Your H isn't a great husband. He's a selfish, self absorbed cheat who gave you Chlamydia. He talks big and does nothing to back it up, and I'm willing to bet that he's at least partly responsible for your financial problems too.

He is not going to be a great dad. He's about as equipped to be a great dad as a brick wall is. Or - more relevantly - a millstone.

Op does your dh's employer have a good parental leave package? Could he take a few months off so that you can work?