Health visitors when you say no

[Nc4post99]

Appreciate things might have changed due to Covid but when I had dd in 2019, the HV didn’t do an ante natal check but came at day 5 for a ‘house inspection’ of sorts. It felt awfully invasive although we did oblige thinking it would be just where baby sleeps etc, but she checked every single room in the house passing comment on decor etc- was weird.

Fast forward to now. I do plan on having more limited involvement with HV past 6 weeks and not really going to weight checks as we have a baby scale at home and their advice with dd was atrocious, so don’t see the point.

But will they want to look around my house this time? DH and I are fine to do the weight checks in the early weeks of life to make sure feeding is going a ok, but I don’t want a home inspection. Is this even a thing anymore? You reckon if it’s brought up I can just explain baby will be sleeping in a next to me, we know about safe sleep and will follow the guidelines but don’t feel the need for a house inspection? Last thing I want is social services called and you hear horror stories

(We’re a relatively well off couple no concerns from a welfare point of view. We have a paed for my daughter so any concerns and we’ll be straight there (no waiting) )

We’re a relatively well off couple no concerns from a welfare point of view.

Well that's a bit judgy and means absolutely nothing - you can have plenty of money but still be neglectful/not provide basic safety/care

Anyway mine popped in to say hi - she did come up and see where the babies were sleeping (twins) etc - I think sometimes it's just to check they are in your room with you - haven't seen her since

Also, if there is no concerns why not just let them see where the baby sleeps?

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Also, if there is no concerns why not just let them see where the baby sleeps?

I have an instinctive distrust of anyone who tells me that if I have nothing to hide, then I won't mind doing something.

@QueeniesCroft I know what you mean but at the same time, it's not a big deal to just say yeh they're sleeping in there...
You can say no to the rest of the house. Dunno why it's a big deal

@tiggerwhocamefortea

We’re a relatively well off couple no concerns from a welfare point of view.

Well that's a bit judgy and means absolutely nothing - you can have plenty of money but still be neglectful/not provide basic safety/care

Anyway mine popped in to say hi - she did come up and see where the babies were sleeping (twins) etc - I think sometimes it's just to check they are in your room with you - haven't seen her since

It’s not judgy I didn’t say we were well of so there are no welfare concerns, i said we’re relatively well off and there are no welfare concerns. Meaning we’ve no ‘risks’ from a purely tick box/ paper work point of view.

And @JasonMomoasgirlfriend she did see where my daughter slept, read the post. What’s the need to look around my spare room though and comment that the walls are a bit plain? Also given this specific teams horrendously dangerous advice that they’ve given previously, this time I frankly resent someone snooping in my home passing comment on my decor under the guise of child safety, I’d like my privacy respected. We don’t live in a nanny state.

What’s the need to look around my spare room though and comment that the walls are a bit plain?
There is no need so why did you let her do it on the first place?

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

What’s the need to look around my spare room though and comment that the walls are a bit plain? There is no need so why did you let her do it on the first place?

Kindly read my original post 🙂

But for a brief recap, I was taken aback, she said it was important and I was an ftm so just assumed it was a ‘thing’. Lack of sleep probably contributed to my being accommodating in this area too

Ok so now going forward you can say no. I don't know what the problem is?!

Anyway I wish you the best with your little one. We must be due around the same time! I'm due 29th Nov :)

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Anyway I wish you the best with your little one. We must be due around the same time! I'm due 29th Nov :)

Almost to the day!

I wasn’t aware until yesterday it wasn’t a thing lol!

Haven't read the whole thread but I think you got a nosey HV. My HV came on the day I moved in to our house (we had been living elsewhere whilst work was being done) the house was still a mess but she never asked to see any of it.

When it comes to child protection, both HVs and Social Workers are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Fortunately, there are still some marvellous, caring individuals, who venture into these professions. My friend, who works in the HV service, has just had six months off with a quite serious mental health illness. She has told me that it's the job that's caused it. It's so sad because she's so lovely and caring but it's just so hard to work with families these days.

Some of these threads on Mumsnet are actually quite destructive.

@Immaculatemisconception

When it comes to child protection, both HVs and Social Workers are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Fortunately, there are still some marvellous, caring individuals, who venture into these professions. My friend, who works in the HV service, has just had six months off with a quite serious mental health illness. She has told me that it's the job that's caused it. It's so sad because she's so lovely and caring but it's just so hard to work with families these days.

Some of these threads on Mumsnet are actually quite destructive.

Not disputing that your friend is one of the good ones but for the large part I just call BS on how ‘difficult’ it is to work with the majority of low risk families.

As to the threads being destructive well it is what it is, if people didn’t have dire experiences then they wouldn’t vent about them. In my area they are dire, I’m on really good terms with the infant feeding leading, who put on regular breastfeeding and introducing solids workshops and consistently no health visitors would turn up, even though it’s part of their training. It’s no wonder the advice they give in these instances is out of date and dangerous 🤷‍♀️

@Immaculatemisconception
I also work in this area, so I’m aware of the safeguarding issues that HV’s are trained to look out for.

I do not think that this post is destructive. People’s lived experiences should not be dismissed.

The problem is identifying the children at risk. When parents refuse to engage, how can anyone know if the children are safe and well?

The incidence of child abuse is something most people know nothing about. However, it's very real. Unfortunately, many HVs spend the vast majority of their time working with high risk families and trying their very best to identify children at risk.

When we read about a child coming to harm, everyone is immediately critical of services. Where was the HV? Why weren't social services involved? How could that child be starved to death, beaten to death, tortured, without anyone knowing?

Perhaps you should consider the wisdom of threads on here that will encourage others to refuse engagement with the Health Visiting Service.

It's chicken and egg though isn't it, if people had quality interactions as a rule then there would be less impetus to decline future contact. If my friends/sister/colleagues tell me the HV experience they had was as in this thread, I'm going to to be naturally disinclined to engage myself. If they tell me it was really helpful, or even just neutral, I'm far more likely to be open to discussion.

As PP said, peoples' experiences are what they are and censoring them isn't any more helpful than curtailing discussion on any other health service such as the constant GP service conversations.

The health visitor didn't do one, she was supposed to but I was in hospital with kidney issues on the day it was booked for and had to cancel. I did meet her before DD's birth but it was at their office.

The midwife who came out the day after I got home after having DD did want to see where DD would be sleeping and had a look round upstairs. I didn't even think about it at the time but with the benefit of hindsight it is invasive. This was in 2016.

This is Mumsnet though, not the real world. Like MILs, HVs tend to have a hard time on here. I've been on here for years and there have been countless threads like this one.

As it stands I won't be declining the HV for this one as I just found mine irritating rather than actively problematic (and saw better ones at the drop ins anyway) but I won't be looking forward to it either. The postnatal midwife visits, and the GP check up, don't make me feel the same way at all, more than happy to go along to those based on my previous experience.

I had DD in 2018. I had home visits from my health visitor and midwives. One of the midwives saw our bedroom because I was in bed feeding DD when she arrived the day after we came out of hospital. She asked if I was happy for her to come up and I said yes. Otherwise everything was done in the lounge (except when I went a lay down on the bed in the downstairs guest bedroom for her to remove my staples because it was more comfortable than the sofa). I think I'd have been quite shocked if any of them had tried to do an "inspection" of any description.

I’ve also received poor breastfeeding advice from hospital Midwives and Health Visitors with all 3 DC.
In my experience, at least two of the old school HV’s & Midwives were harsh and impatient. And I really found it frustrating to have staff who had never experienced childbirth try to explain how it should feel when the baby has latched on correctly.

I really struggled with establishing breastfeeding DC1 back in the mid 90’s. So much so that I reluctantly gave up during the first week.

I successfully managed to work out positioning and attachment myself 15 years later with a lot of perseverance, pain and tears with DC2. I then stopped after 6 months due to developing Mastitis after expressing and my first day out without baby.

These are tough, painful, happy and also the best experiences of our lives. Do not make posters feel that they are in the wrong for sharing anecdotes that sound destructive/negative.

What we all need (especially women) is for people to be real about life and the experiences of women’s issues such as these. I am constantly aghast at the fact that a lot of women do not share the unpleasant gory details of child rearing and the boring drudgery that comes along with it (eg. constant cleaning up, relentless laundry, etc). This does not educate and help prepare younger women. I share my experiences with my female family members (inclu. my adult DD), friends, colleagues and also men who want to hear, as this is very important.

I wonder how many women could have avoided Postnatal Depression if more people had prepared them effectively?
Sleep deprivation is used a form of torture.
Even if the pregnancy is planned, throw 10 months of pregnancy, childbirth, possible job/career uncertainty, available and cost of suitable childcare, a newborn baby, being a first time Mum, possibly no or very little family support, etc into the mix. That is a lot! I had quick and easy natural births, so was very lucky on that front, but childbirth was still tough.

Sounds like she was having a nose around the house maybe she was looking to buy in the local area.

I've had three kids and each HV have come in and sat in the sofa, asked their questions e.g. where baby sleeps, PND Qs and to remind me to buy stair gates.

The weirdest question I had from a HB was with my first. I was asked if me and my husband had agreed on how we were going to discipline our son who was about 8 weeks old at the time.

@Nc4post99

Woah I just thought this was bau. Nosy sod lol.

Did they ask you questions about your relationship too? Like how long you’ve been together, and when you got married etc and your jobs, salary and plan to return to work?

Mine have asked about our relationship in terms of how supportive DH is which leads in to their questions about domestic violence which I believe it is now mandatory that they have to ask with the aim to break the silence on it and give you a chance of getting some support if needed.

Not ever been asked about salaries but yes to the type of work we both do again I think they are getting an idea on the family unit and what support you may need.

I didn’t have this issue thankfully. I had my babies close together and the same health visitor on both so it meant I was luckily not put in any annoying situation of having to give a tour or financial details. Really she just wanted to ask me about my mood and how the baby was feeding which I didn’t mind!

I had DS in 2015 and never had this - it's weird. I would say no to that as well