My daughter hurts me :(

[Sohurtbyitall]

I don't know what to do. DD is 3, she's witnessed domestic abuse for the first two years of her life and seen her father beat me to a pulp.
I managed to find the strength to leave him but during this time things have just gone down hill.
She's so angry and upset when she has to see him, I'm currently vehemently fighting him through the family court.
She punches me, slaps me, kicks me, and the worst thing she did this weekend was drag her finger nails down both my arms and pinched me so hard, I just sobbed :(
I've tried to seek counselling and play therapy for her but because she's having contact with her perpetrator father they can't intervene.
I've asked childrens services to help me but it results in NFA letters time and time again. I just don't know what to do, I can't cope anymore.. The anger and hurting me, I've already been through that with her father I can't have this from her also.
I picked her up today from nursery and the room manager said she's not been her normal self and has been really distracted, she's a big personality at nursery so it's really noticeable. She said she's seen this before and it's almost like she's lashing out at me for making her see him.
She's so troubled and I just want to help her but I feel physically and mentally exhausted.
What else can I do?

Yes definitely get a barrister for court & reports from anyone who is trying to help you get support for your dd. In the meantime could you change your routine for after contact, try to do something nice, even if it is only something like baking or going to the park. Promise your dd before she goes to contact that you will do something lovely together when she comes home. Maybe taking her somewhere she can run her frustration off would be good, have wellies & a coat ready if it is raining & go puddle jumping or find somewhere that she could vent her feelings by throwing stones in a stream or pond & make big splashes, let her have fun getting wet & muddy then home for a hot bath with bubbles & a hot chocolate & a cuddle. I know ds was always a handful after contact with his dad, it always took him from Sunday night to Monday to simmer down.

@JustAnotherLawyer2

The faith in the family court and CAFCASS would be touching if it were not so tragic.

OP, get yourself a barrister who is fully versed in domestic violence against women and children. This man should not be having contact with your child. She is being retraumatised and forced to keep reliving the trauma she suffered and which she witnessed. She's a victim and needs protecting.

Contact will be pushed for unless you have the right person representing you and ensuring that the proper guidelines/procedures and laws are followed.

If there have been three recommendations for no unsupervised contact and the child is showing trauma following contact, then the supervised contact should be cut.

This is exactly what her HV said. She's visited us many times and says each time she's seeing him it's retraumatising her. She's written to cafcass but cafcass told her to refer back to social care as they aren't court appointed yet. I'm doing everything I can just to manage it all whilst taking her to visit him.. But I had a break down to children's services and said I can't take any more, I'm the one who takes it, looks after her, comforts her. I've dealt with all the emotional fall out from her after we fled. I can't take much more.

@thisplaceisweird

Do you just sit there and allow her or do you correct her behaviour?

If she is intentionally hurting you, it would be a short time out in my house. I understand the additional issues and horrible past experiences, but nip it in the bud and show her it's bad behaviour that won't be tolerated.

This. I don't personally choose time outs, but you must anticipate that she is in a hitting stage (not remotely unusual for her age even without her background) and physically prevent her hitting you before it happens, where possible. Move away, gently block or take hands etc. No need to shout or punish. It's tiring yes, but let her be the aggressor and you the victim. She's a tiny child. Even though they can seem a force of nature at 3!

@thisplaceisweird

Do you just sit there and allow her or do you correct her behaviour?

If she is intentionally hurting you, it would be a short time out in my house. I understand the additional issues and horrible past experiences, but nip it in the bud and show her it's bad behaviour that won't be tolerated.

For a child suffering from trauma the worst thing to do is time out as it magnifies the feeling of being unwanted. Your reply is very brusque and doesn't seem to understand the situation at all

I think you should explore a trauma informed care approach for helping your daughter address what she has witnessed.

I am so sorry this is heartbreaking. I really don’t have any advice that can help. The only thing that I can think is giving her as much nurturing as possible. I know my children felt so much comfort from sleeping with me at that age as they are so little still. And as you are so busy she may benefit from this closeness with you in the night? Perhaps you would be too tired yourself to do this, but if she slept well it could work.

@Kittykat93

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I think the OP said earlier that contact is supervised.

Contact cafcaas (useless wonders), get your solicitor to write too. Contact is not appropriate your child is distressed...

Aren't cafcass appointed by the court though. I didn't think they'd get involved just by me calling them.

I can’t offer any advice on the legal stuff but adding to some of the great advice about safe holding etc… you mention she likes routine so having a calendar that she marks off the days (with visits and nursery days clearly labeled) so she can see a countdown might be helpful because at that age their concept of time is still developing and it probably feels sprung on her. Secondly asking her why is really unhelpful for both of you. Right now she needs you to give her the words “I can see you are frustrated/angry etc but I can’t let you hit. Hitting hurts” She won’t have the cognitive ability to link it to seeing her dad.

The court seems to have made the order but it needs to be prioritised. You can go back to court, they need to stop contact. Agree women's aid and a barrister will help

Sorry, just reread, get back to court and apply for urgent involvement

Get as much input as you can from nursery (in writing) about how she is after the contact days. More weight will be given to anything the “professionals” say.

Keep photographic evidence and catalogue what happens and when, so you have proof linking it to her having to see her dad.

Email your social worker your concerns so it's in writing - they will get nervous if there's a paper trail that shows they could have done something but did not.

Good luck OP, I really feel for you.

I've been there with my now 7 year old. Some of the behaviour is normal for 3 year olds but your hyperalert to it due to the previous DV.

That's not me in any way blaming you for what happened, I left a very similar man and despite me stopping contact the courts eventually awarded him EOW unsupervised.

It does get easier. My DD has a genetic condition which also causes her behaviour to be bad but it's not her fault. And when she's really bad I find myself blaming myself, saying how awful a mother I am and crying due to the relentlessness of it all.

I am very lucky that I was able to move back to the area DD was born to have the support of my family. ExH off his own back moved 2 hours away but has to come back to our area for contact thanks to the CAO.

I hope everything goes well in court for you.

My DD's Nursery are great, they said they will be honest about everything they have seen and heard from DD when they are spoken to by Cafcass/Local Authority.
Unfortunately we don't have Cafcass appointed yet and we don't have a social worker.

How can I get cafcass involved again in all of this x

@Sohurtbyitall

Aren't cafcass appointed by the court though. I didn't think they'd get involved just by me calling them.

Yes, that’s right. They are appointed by the courts.

This is exactly what her HV said. She's visited us many times and says each time she's seeing him it's retraumatising her. She's written to cafcass but cafcass told her to refer back to social care as they aren't court appointed yet. I'm doing everything I can just to manage it all whilst taking her to visit him.. But I had a break down to children's services and said I can't take any more, I'm the one who takes it, looks after her, comforts her. I've dealt with all the emotional fall out from her after we fled. I can't take much more.

My DD's Nursery are great, they said they will be honest about everything they have seen and heard from DD when they are spoken to by Cafcass/Local Authority.
Unfortunately we don't have Cafcass appointed yet and we don't have a social worker.

How can I get cafcass involved again in all of this x

It's terrible that you've been left in this position.

I know nothing about this. I wonder if your MP can help/advise you? Or email Jess Phillips, even if she's not your MP. She has history working in this area. Maybe she can advise? I've emailed her before and had a reply. [email protected]

Can you ask the private play therapy place to provide a report advising that they cannot work with a child until the source of the trauma is removed. If they assessed her as needing support she can't have yet- as well include that.
Get evidence from everyone you can who has witnessed the impact on DD of the contact.
Apply back to court to vary the order as dd is being retraumatised with every visit.
Can you change solicitors as yours has given you bad advice in saying offer supervised contact so you don't look unco-operative. Its ok to be unco-operative with someone causing harm to your child.
It would have been reasonable to say you can't agree any contact (supervised or not) as social services recommended tou don't allow contact and were going to remove her if you didn't leave him as he was such a risk to her.

I hope you can get things changed so your dd feels safe.

I can ask the play therapist just to send me a report detailing the conversation we had and how they can't help until the source of trauma isn't in DD's life anymore.

Unfortunately I don’t have any practical advice, but I couldn’t read this without saying that you sound like a truly amazing mum - your love for your daughter comes across so clearly in every post, and you are doing an incredible job fighting and advocating for her, despite everything you’ve been through. Luckily others have been able to provide some more helpful advice, and I really hope these replies are providing some comfort. Please keep posting because you’re not alone. With you on her side, your daughter will grow up knowing love, care and safety. It sounds unbelievably hard, but just keep doing what you’re doing - your bedtime routine nearly made me cry. Hold her and read to her, and tuck her in safe. She’s lucky to have such an incredibly strong woman on her side, and one day she will see that for herself and boy will she love you for it xx

I just feel helpless :(

Oh OP, I can only imagine how helpless you must feel. But you’re honestly not helpless - you are being a fierce advocate for your daughters wellbeing in a system that is clearly broken. And you do have professionals on your side, helping to log all the evidence you need. You’ve done all that - you’ve done so much more than you realise already. I wish I had more practical advice, but I just want you to see how phenomenally strong you are, and how much your precious daughter is lucky to have you xx

All I want to do is help her. Only she matters. Nothing else.
I've been accused from the other side of manipulating professionals so I'm dubious about getting so many agencies on side. Just tired, so exhausted by it all.