My daughter hurts me :(

[Sohurtbyitall]

I don't know what to do. DD is 3, she's witnessed domestic abuse for the first two years of her life and seen her father beat me to a pulp.
I managed to find the strength to leave him but during this time things have just gone down hill.
She's so angry and upset when she has to see him, I'm currently vehemently fighting him through the family court.
She punches me, slaps me, kicks me, and the worst thing she did this weekend was drag her finger nails down both my arms and pinched me so hard, I just sobbed :(
I've tried to seek counselling and play therapy for her but because she's having contact with her perpetrator father they can't intervene.
I've asked childrens services to help me but it results in NFA letters time and time again. I just don't know what to do, I can't cope anymore.. The anger and hurting me, I've already been through that with her father I can't have this from her also.
I picked her up today from nursery and the room manager said she's not been her normal self and has been really distracted, she's a big personality at nursery so it's really noticeable. She said she's seen this before and it's almost like she's lashing out at me for making her see him.
She's so troubled and I just want to help her but I feel physically and mentally exhausted.
What else can I do?

Op children's services recommended you go nowhere near him. I think this trump's your solicitor wanting you to appear ' unobstructive' this is exactly the situation you should be obstructive.

childrens services involved who stated contact wasn't safe for DD and they recommended that I live as far away as possible from him.

That s the key right?
Not what he thinks
Can your solicitor demand a forensic psychiatric evaluation?

It's not as easy as just stopping contact. Even with professional involvement. The standard guidance is to stop contact if it's proving harmful and to take it back to court.. But it's easier said than done.

Act on children service advi ce

@Redwinestillfine

Op children's services recommended you go nowhere near him. I think this trump's your solicitor wanting you to appear ' unobstructive' this is exactly the situation you should be obstructive.

This was before he took me to the family court.

Just read your last update. It's absolutely crazy that he had any contact given social services knowledge of him. I pray you and your daughter get far far away from him. Xx

Maybe going down route of independent psychologist or psychiatrust assessment of your ex?

I think I just need to focus on trying to deal with her behaviour rather than decimating contact. I'm well averse to how the family court operates and how domestic violence hurt doesn't matter.. However, he has proven to be a risk to her in an unsupervised setting and despite 3 requests, they've all been denied. He doesn't accept he's abusive to either me or DD, he claims to be the victim. I basically have to let him do the work for me. This person has no idea how to speak to professionals.
Managing how DD projects is what I need to focus on and what I need support with right now.

No advice from me OP, but what an incredible Mum you are. I hope you get lots of great advice soon, and the support for your DD. Really best wishes OP xx

I'm so sorry this hideous man has harmed you and your daughter so much OP.

But PLEASE try to separate your own trauma and how it expresses itself from hers. I know you are tuned up to be fearful and defensive. But she is not her father. She is not acting like her father. She is not turning into her father. She is THREE years old and has had a terrible, terrible set of life experiences, which are to some extent ongoing. There are 3yos with idyllic upbringings who can act up in the way you are describing. She doesn't hate you, want to hurt you, abusing you etc. She's a very very damaged child and she needs you to see past what she's doing and see why. To be totally, horribly blunt, you CAN'T make this "about you" and how upset it makes you/how triggering you find it (cpletely understandably!!)

You say you can't get therapy for her. Can you get some, urgently, for yourself, to help you separate your fear of her father's abusive behaviour from her behaviour now (acting out her trauma)? A therapist might be able to help you overcome your trauma-informed gut reaction to violence (fight or flight) and perceive that she is no real threat, that you are in control, that she is just your baby who is going through hell and needs you to prove that there is nothing she can do that will stop you loving her and being there for her.

When she has her angry meltdowns, can you hold her still and facing away from you to protect yourself without triggering her feelings of abandonment? And can you try and give voice to her big feelings for her: "I know you are scared to visit with daddy; I understand that you're angry with me for making you go; I'm sorry you are feeling so scared and angry."

Have you talked to her about the abuse she suffered and how that made her feel? Have you explained to her that the people at the contact centre are there to protect her and make sure Daddy can never ever hurt her like that again? I know he's talking parental alienation but from what you've said he has zero credibility with children's services - this will not carry any weight with the judge, particularly given you suggested and have facilitated contact centre visits. I feel it's more important your little girl is helped to understand her own fears that are causing her to act out, validate those feelings ("daddy IS scary sometimes, what daddy did to you and to mummy WAS wrong") and seek to reassure her as much as possible that she is safe now.

This is learnt behaviour over a short period, she has the rest of her lifetime where she will have your amazing influence that will unlearn this behaviour and gain the ability to deal with her emotions. You will get through this.

I’ve no experience but is there anyway to deflect this anger, is she too young for something like an actual punchbag so she can get the anger and frustration out?

If the outbursts come mainly when you tell her she’s seeing her father that weekend, could someone else tell her? Or be with you when you tell her?

I wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a hug! Sounds like you really need it right now ❤️

It's completely true what you said in your last update, you need to concentrate on your daughters feelings and behaviour and not your ex. You being openly upset isn't necessarily going to be damaging, it will be helpful for her to see how you manage your feelings and emotions so don't beat yourself up about that.

Lots and lots of love, and and affection and reassurance for your daughter, that way she will feel safe and loved, you need to find a way for her to outlet her emotions that's not lashing out at you, so a special blanket/pillow she can cuddle or somewhere in the house she can go when she is feeling overwhelmed or a special word she can use to let you know she's struggling maybe? If you can get to her before her emotions escalate to the point they have overwhelmed her then she'll be able to manage this better. Keep communicating with her all the time and try and pick up on any subtle hints that she's about to meltdown and act then.

You probably don't feel it right now, but you're doing such an amazing job, and you've been to hell and back and still your priority is advocating and fighting for your daughter - you have her back, so whatever happens she'll be OK!

Are you in England or Wales and if so is CAFCASS involved? If not, can you ask the court to appoint a family court advisor to represent your daughter’s interests in court?

This could be done on the grounds of complexity in a private law case.

A good family court advisor will cut through all of the other noise and focus on the child’s needs and impact of contact.

Maybe have a look at the British Trauma Council website. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Do you have any real life support?

Yes yes yes to pediatric psychiatry-my experience was very positive when my then 14 year old was in a bipolar manic state and violent towards me. A developmental behavior pediatrician was brilliant as well. Best of luck

@Mulhollandmagoo

Do you have any real life support?

Not really, just DD and me. I have no family close by and I moved to an area where I didn't know anyone. I work with some amazing people though who have really looked after me and tried to help. I never ever berate DD or tell her off or make her feel bad. My first reaction is to ask her why she did it, last few times she's cried and said i don't know. The way in which she says I don't know through her tears just killed me as I could tell she was struggling to process how she felt. My standard response is usually to tell her that's not kind and we need to use kind hands and words.. After she scratched me and said she wasn't horrible like her daddy we both cuddled and I kept reassuring her that she was safe and I keep her safe and the contact centre keep her safe and that mummy loves her. It's just hard right now :( on top of running a home, working full time, family court, and now this.. I just want to collapse.

@Dontfencemein

Are you in England or Wales and if so is CAFCASS involved? If not, can you ask the court to appoint a family court advisor to represent your daughter’s interests in court?

This could be done on the grounds of complexity in a private law case.

A good family court advisor will cut through all of the other noise and focus on the child’s needs and impact of contact.

Maybe have a look at the British Trauma Council website. I’m sorry you are going through this.

England. Cafcass were involved at the start but closed involvement until later in proceedings. My daughter needs a cafcass guardian though. Completely.

I was the child in this scenario many years ago, the male started on me when I was under 3yrs old and my mother didn’t leave until I was 8, then the man wasn’t allowed access, thankfully, because I genuinely wouldn’t be here today otherwise. It’s impossible to help the little victim while she’s still be exposed to the abuser, the agencies involved all sound beyond useless OP, I’m sorry. I was terrorised, and trying to protect my mother, and cope with what the man was doing to me, it hasn’t left me a happy, secure, well adjusted adult…at all.

@thisplaceisweird

Do you just sit there and allow her or do you correct her behaviour?

If she is intentionally hurting you, it would be a short time out in my house. I understand the additional issues and horrible past experiences, but nip it in the bud and show her it's bad behaviour that won't be tolerated.

Please ignore this dangerous advice

@Sohurtbyitall

Yes there's an interim child arrangement order in place at the moment.. He has supervised contact. She punches, kicks and screams when I tell her it's a weekend she is due to see him. It's this past week where its just escalated and its like she completely hates me.. When she really hurt me at the weekend I couldn't help but cry and she stood for a few seconds then put her arms around me and said sorry and that she isn't horrible like her daddy. She's 3, I didn't expect this from a 3 year old.. She's not 13 and in control of what she can and can't do and say.. I called children's services yesterday and just sobbed and said I can't take anymore and I need help... I said please don't send me another no further action letter. I can't get any therapy type help for her because intervention isn't appropriate when the source of trauma is still present. I'm so close to just giving up.

Just says she’s ill. They don’t enforce contact

Document everything. Every word and action the little victim exhibits as a result of having to see the abuser, harass the shitty agencies involved every day. They’re condoning and facilitating child abuse.

I wonder if in some way, at some level - perhaps not your rational mind - when she hurts you, you conflate her in your mind with him, and all your own traumatic responses are triggered?

In some way - you feel frightened of her and you forget that she is a very small three year old who might kick and scratch and bite but is very much smaller than you. Many toddlers do that sort of thing.

She becomes the Violent Person and you the Attacked Person in the encounter. Again, I say this "at some level" - I know that rationally you know this isn't true, but at some level it is retraumatising to you?

Could you try to practise a kind of mindfulness about it next time it happens - she is three, I am the adult, I am the big person, I am in control, SHE is the small one, the one not in control, if I choose I can kindly and firmly pick her up and carry her to a safe place to calm down.

I wonder if she could sense that you were in that kind of mindset and not scared of her aggression, that you feel you are plenty big enough for all her big aggressive feelings, it would contain it for her and help her manage it.

Children are aggressive and they do lash out.

Please ignore if not helpful! Just my thoughts.

(I don’t think AIBU is the appropriate place for this, this is a severe child abuse and child trauma issue)

OP are you on Facebook?

Can I suggest you look up and join some groups if you are? One is called something like Attachment Disorder UK and another is called Therapeutic Parenting. Loads of parents dealing with child on adult violence in there and you'll get signposted to the best ways to deal with it. Good luck. You sound like a really caring mum in an awful situation.