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Original poster

My daughter hurts me :(

166 replies

Sohurtbyitall · 28/09/2021 21:19

I don't know what to do. DD is 3, she's witnessed domestic abuse for the first two years of her life and seen her father beat me to a pulp.
I managed to find the strength to leave him but during this time things have just gone down hill.
She's so angry and upset when she has to see him, I'm currently vehemently fighting him through the family court.
She punches me, slaps me, kicks me, and the worst thing she did this weekend was drag her finger nails down both my arms and pinched me so hard, I just sobbed :(
I've tried to seek counselling and play therapy for her but because she's having contact with her perpetrator father they can't intervene.
I've asked childrens services to help me but it results in NFA letters time and time again. I just don't know what to do, I can't cope anymore.. The anger and hurting me, I've already been through that with her father I can't have this from her also.
I picked her up today from nursery and the room manager said she's not been her normal self and has been really distracted, she's a big personality at nursery so it's really noticeable. She said she's seen this before and it's almost like she's lashing out at me for making her see him.
She's so troubled and I just want to help her but I feel physically and mentally exhausted.
What else can I do?

My daughter hurts me :(
My daughter hurts me :(
My daughter hurts me :(
OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 28/09/2021 21:59

Sohurtbyitall

We all have positive and negative potential OP. She so also has the potential to grow into a brave woman like her mother.

She is only 3 years old. Lots of toddlers lash out physically. She has experienced worse than most so has more to lash out about than others. Its rubbish for you hearing the brunt of it but keep on seeking help. Really hope things improve for you.

Kittykat93 · 28/09/2021 22:00

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AnotherThingToDo · 28/09/2021 22:00

OP you sound like a wonderful mum and person. You’ve taken the first )huge) step in getting you and your DD out of a horrible situation. You haven’t completed the journey yet but you will, and you will both be safe together. Giving you a huge unmumsnetty hug!

Original poster
Sohurtbyitall · 28/09/2021 22:02

Thank you for the advice everyone, really appreciate it. Was hard to do this post and accept its happening.. I feel like I did when I was with her father. Like I have no way out.
I just can see how angry she is when she hurts me, I just want to take it away. She's such a beautiful and loved little girl, her day to day routine is amazing, she knows her own routine which I'm really proud of, such as bedtime, we read 3 books together, after the last book she announces its bedtime and goes up the stairs with me behind her. I love her with all my heart, but it's completely breaking me and a 0.0001% part of me just wants to say to the court. I give up.. Let him have her.
But I promised myself never to give up on myself and her, she kept me going through the domestic abuse, she saved my life and gave me reason to live.. I just am struggling a lot and need the support but don't know where from.

OP posts:
Yummmg · 28/09/2021 22:03

Give her loads of nurture.
Therapeutic parenting is great for children with trauma, and they have a good Facebook group for advice

Somuddled · 28/09/2021 22:04

@Kittykat93

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This is such an unhelpful thing to say. The OP doesn't have a say in allowing her child to see her father she has already explained that she is doing everything in her power to contest it. Why would you come on here to dump guilt onto this mother?
Iggly · 28/09/2021 22:05

She’s so young, only 3.

The thing to remember is she is a mere child. She does not have the motive nor intent that your partner did. Not the same league at all.

Also, if she starts hurting you, very quickly you need to parent that behaviour. She needs firm consistent boundaries and telling her firmly but gently “no” is fine. This isn’t the same dynamic as with your partner - you can stop her.

Boomshakalakaaaaa · 28/09/2021 22:05

I feel so angry that she's being forced to have contact with "the source of her trauma"! What kind of fucked up system is this?!

Poor girl and poor you OP. Well done for getting out Flowers sorry I've no advice

Embracelife · 28/09/2021 22:06

@Sohurtbyitall

Yes, I've tried to get referred for play therapy multiple times and every introductory phone call I've had says intervention isn't appropriate when the root of trauma is still present. I work in the NHS and have a colleague who works in safeguarding and they said perhaps the best stage is trying to get referred to a Paediatric mental health specialist.. But I just don't know.
She still needs help though and you do too Can you see someone privately? Go back to court?
Jangle33 · 28/09/2021 22:07

I have no advice, I hope there will be some more knowledgeable people along soon. But you sound like a wonderful mum, I am appalled at the system that you’re both caught by. Huge amounts of love, respect and strength to you. Keep posting here, someone must be able to help xx

Kittykat93 · 28/09/2021 22:07

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Embracelife · 28/09/2021 22:07

She will improve
Gentle reminder
We do g hit
She does not hzve intent as pp said
Can you see a counsellor yourself? A family therapist who can advise you

Embracelife · 28/09/2021 22:08

We don't hit

VaguelyInteresting · 28/09/2021 22:09

Oh you poor loves. I’m so sorry.

It’s awful, but can you record this? Including the parts after where she says things like “I’m not awful like daddy” or how she reacts when you tell her it’s a weekend to see her father? Even just audio on your phone would be something very tangible for the courts to see.

Are there any ways you can refuse access without being penalised/punished by the courts? If so, I would do that.

Embracelife · 28/09/2021 22:09

@Kittykat93

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Op says there's an interim child arrangement order in place at the moment.. He has supervised contact.

Where does it say overnights all weekend?

Original poster
Sohurtbyitall · 28/09/2021 22:10

I tried a private referral for play therapy. They can't intervene until she doesn't have contact with him and I was told they can only intervene several months after she's adjusted to another change in her life.
I spoke to children's services yesterday and today and the person I spoke to was really lovely. She said she'll speak with DDs HV and her nursery and then revert back to me. We're due back in court towards the end of the year, everything has been documented so I just hope it helps. I'm terrified of him, whether he's in or out of her life, I know one day he'll find me and he's already made threats to kill me.. I feel like I just have to accept he'll be in our lives.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 28/09/2021 22:10

@VaguelyInteresting

Oh you poor loves. I’m so sorry.

It’s awful, but can you record this? Including the parts after where she says things like “I’m not awful like daddy” or how she reacts when you tell her it’s a weekend to see her father? Even just audio on your phone would be something very tangible for the courts to see.

Are there any ways you can refuse access without being penalised/punished by the courts? If so, I would do that.

Op said

there's an interim child arrangement order in place at the moment.. He has supervised contact.

So no she cannot

VaguelyInteresting · 28/09/2021 22:11

@Embracelife

I asked because I didn’t know what that meant. No need to be snippy.

coodawoodashooda · 28/09/2021 22:12

Homeopathy worked for me and my kids in a similar domestic abuse situation.

Original poster
Sohurtbyitall · 28/09/2021 22:12

Supervised in a contact centre, no overnights as of yet. Three seperate judges have said unsupervised access is not appropriate until cafcass make a recommendation.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 28/09/2021 22:13

@Kittykat93

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

This answer is a) not helpful and b) not based in fact anyway.

The OP said Yes there's an interim child arrangement order in place at the moment.. He has supervised contact.

The OP is not at liberty to prevent contact, and the child is not visiting/staying unsupervised.

Etinox · 28/09/2021 22:13

@Somuddled and I linked to specific support for this issue. Who’s in charge.

There’s some well intentioned but wrong advice on this thread.

Here

Somuddled · 28/09/2021 22:13

@Kittykat93

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Read the thread properly. The child has supervised contact. You are not being helpful.
Dayrider · 28/09/2021 22:14

@Kittykat93

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Also the op has stated that it’s supervised visits.

I cannot offer any advice but a big hand hold and to say, you are so brave and you definitely can do this Flowers

Somuddled · 28/09/2021 22:17

OP I have flagged this with Mumsnet as I am worried that AIBU isn't the right place for proper support. I don't want the good advice and sympathy to get lost in the terrible advice

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