My daughter hurts me :(

[Sohurtbyitall]

I don't know what to do. DD is 3, she's witnessed domestic abuse for the first two years of her life and seen her father beat me to a pulp.
I managed to find the strength to leave him but during this time things have just gone down hill.
She's so angry and upset when she has to see him, I'm currently vehemently fighting him through the family court.
She punches me, slaps me, kicks me, and the worst thing she did this weekend was drag her finger nails down both my arms and pinched me so hard, I just sobbed :(
I've tried to seek counselling and play therapy for her but because she's having contact with her perpetrator father they can't intervene.
I've asked childrens services to help me but it results in NFA letters time and time again. I just don't know what to do, I can't cope anymore.. The anger and hurting me, I've already been through that with her father I can't have this from her also.
I picked her up today from nursery and the room manager said she's not been her normal self and has been really distracted, she's a big personality at nursery so it's really noticeable. She said she's seen this before and it's almost like she's lashing out at me for making her see him.
She's so troubled and I just want to help her but I feel physically and mentally exhausted.
What else can I do?

She has the potential to one day grow up and be abusive and I just cannot deal with that.

She loves you and is lashing out at you because you are her safe person. Her behavior now is because she's hurting, not because she wants to hurt you. With unconditional love and a great role model for a mother she is very unlikely to turn out anything like her father. I'm so sorry she's being forced to see him and I hope you're able to get a resolution soon.

You don't have to let her hurt you though. As others have said, a firm no and move her off you. Does she hurt other children in nursery?

@Sohurtbyitall

Supervised in a contact centre, no overnights as of yet. Three seperate judges have said unsupervised access is not appropriate until cafcass make a recommendation.

Is it recorded and reported with full reports? How is she in the session ?

@Sohurtbyitall

Yes, I've tried to get referred for play therapy multiple times and every introductory phone call I've had says intervention isn't appropriate when the root of trauma is still present. I work in the NHS and have a colleague who works in safeguarding and they said perhaps the best stage is trying to get referred to a Paediatric mental health specialist.. But I just don't know.

This is so so upsetting

I'm so sorry

I was in your shoes but left when she was smaller
My girl carries the trauma. Too

But in different ways

Get this back to family court and push for indirect contact at least until this angel can get some long term therapy

Take photos and videos to show as proof

Why oh why is contact with this evil man allowed

WHY?????

Sending you all the best wishes xxxxxx

Shall I asked this to be moved to a different board?

I think gently
Not to see it as
Dd hurts you
But

Dd lashes out as she copies her dv father

Over time she will stop

Keep recording and going to h v and s w and g p and recording this behaviour

So I've never prevented contact, I was the one who suggested contact centre against the recommendation of children's services. I was advised to by my solicitor because I would've appeared obstructive.
Her contact is generally OK with him, she is reluctant to go in at times and she has told the staff she's frightened, but it's all been documented in their reports. After contact she's subdued for a few days and seems down and distracted.. The nursery actually called me once to ask me had it been a contact weekend as DD was so down and not her usual self. They have documented everything.

What a poor little love. It must be so, so hard for you both. Whilst she’s lacking appropriate support and intervention from social services/paediatric mental health (no fault of your own) do you think there are any other activities she may benefit from? Obviously she’s very young so may be difficult to find something suited to her age group. Maybe martial arts/drama/ballet? Something where she can channel her emotions into something productive? Wishing you all the best for the future

This weekend was the worst ever for some reason. It was like age was angry, frustrated, upset, protecting all in one.. I could see hurt in her eyes when she scratched me.. When she said sorry it just shattered me, I just held her and cried into her hair :( I don't want to be like that in front of her but I'm struggling with it all and having the door shut in my face multiple times.

Projecting*

was the one who suggested contact centre against the recommendation of children's services. I was advised to by my solicitor because I would've appeared obstructive.

Seems like odd advice from solicitor
Anyways it is what it is
Is there a risk contact centre will suggest moving to unsupervised?

No. The contact centre are merely there just to provide supervision. They don't make any kind of recommendations or are involved other than reporting on his interactions with her. When she's back in nursery she tells her peers she saw her daddy and he's scary and loud.. But it's almost like she's boasting and saying it like she's proud of it.

Does his solicitor wNt to move it to unsupervised?

@thisplaceisweird

Do you just sit there and allow her or do you correct her behaviour?

If she is intentionally hurting you, it would be a short time out in my house. I understand the additional issues and horrible past experiences, but nip it in the bud and show her it's bad behaviour that won't be tolerated.

That’s really inappropriate advice. Read the thread this is a trauma child mirroring what she sees her dad do, this really doesn’t need tough love or I ain’t having it. There’s no bud to be nipped

Look into therapeutic parenting and PACE. There’s a great book on this by Sarah Naish as well as fb groups as a previous poster mentioned.

A child that has been through trauma can require a much different parenting approach than usual. There are some great tactics to use in the book than can really make a difference as well as an explanation to the reason behind typical behaviours.

You’ve got this!!!

you sound like an amazing mum. Sending lots of love, you can do this

OP look into
incredibleyears.com/programs/parent/
It will give you tools to cope with behaviour.

Women’s aid offer wonderful support to children affected by domestic violence, including those who still have contact. I’d recommend contacting them for advice. x

Don't take your baby there. She has a cold/ tummy bug every time she's due to see him.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I have no advice but know you are not alone. I had to stop reporting to SS in the end as they were not taking any action and it was further upsetting my girls that no one was believing them. Family courts weren't interested in the evidence, only that SS weren't getting involved. For those that think it's as easy as just stopping contact, it's really not and you should try reading survivors experiences (sky news did an article recently).

It's a hard balance between letting your DD process her trauma whilst teaching her not to hurt you. Just keep reassuring her, other some alternatives (ie my youngest says a magic word and is allowed to get her pop it and hide in her bed for a bit), and get some help for yourself. You are doing great.

I’ve read some of your previous posts if you are who I think you are.

She has seen a lot and experienced a lot. But she is not necessarily angry at you but at the whole situation. She’s confused. And hurting. And angry. And she is displaying this the way she learned from her father.

She needs lots of love. Lots of understanding. Please don’t put her in the same head space as her father. She’s so little. Try to distract her. Lots of cuddles. I know seeing him unsettles her but try to maybe try to have a promised treat for you both after each session. Even if it’s something simple like cuddling up with popcorn and a movie. Snuggled up with an ice cream together.

From her point of view he scared her but she loved him. He was violent to you and her and you left him. She’s trying to work it out. She’s seeing what happens if she is the same to you. She needs lots of reassurance. Maybe a weighted blanket. Stories in bed. Nice baths.

When she lashes out just tell her you understand that she is angry but she needs to calm down. You will listen when she is calm. Maybe give her a cushion or blanket that she can snuggle up to when she is feeling overwhelmed. Stay calm. Stay close to her. Let her calm down. Maybe sit with a book she likes and let her calm and come to you to read together.

It’s so so hard for her to sort her feelings out at her age.

If contact is upsetting her so much stop it. Immediately. Document everything and if she's not ordered by a court to see him don't make her. If she is fight it with everything you have. She's telling you it needs to stop in the only way she know how. It may look obstructive to your solicitor, but it's a price that needs paying. I'm so sorry you are going through this op. It sounds horrific. I hope you get some good professional support in real life.

He wants to progress to unsupervised but has been denied on 3 seperate occasions. He's claiming I'm obstructive and also parental alienation. Despite the fact I take her every week without fail and that I suggested the contact centre.
He's claiming to want shared care of her. Prior to fleeing we had childrens services involved who stated contact wasn't safe for DD and they recommended that I live as far away as possible from him.
He's claiming I just picked up DD and unilaterally removed her from the home to be spiteful.
Without being too outing and saying what he exactly he did to her. He's also abused her, physically. One incident where had he carried on he would've killed her.. I can't say exactly what it was he did as it'll immediately out me, but it was horrific enough for childrens services to tell me if I continue in a relationship with him an emergency protection order would've been made.

@Sohurtbyitall

I don't know what to do. DD is 3, she's witnessed domestic abuse for the first two years of her life and seen her father beat me to a pulp. I managed to find the strength to leave him but during this time things have just gone down hill. She's so angry and upset when she has to see him, I'm currently vehemently fighting him through the family court. She punches me, slaps me, kicks me, and the worst thing she did this weekend was drag her finger nails down both my arms and pinched me so hard, I just sobbed :( I've tried to seek counselling and play therapy for her but because she's having contact with her perpetrator father they can't intervene. I've asked childrens services to help me but it results in NFA letters time and time again. I just don't know what to do, I can't cope anymore.. The anger and hurting me, I've already been through that with her father I can't have this from her also. I picked her up today from nursery and the room manager said she's not been her normal self and has been really distracted, she's a big personality at nursery so it's really noticeable. She said she's seen this before and it's almost like she's lashing out at me for making her see him. She's so troubled and I just want to help her but I feel physically and mentally exhausted. What else can I do?

I have no advice but I didn't want to read and run. Your poor wee darling. 💔Sending you huge hugs. It seems crazy that your child has to have contact with such a monster that has caused her so much harm. Who in their right minds would think he should have?

@Notashandyta

Don't take your baby there. She has a cold/ tummy bug every time she's due to see him.

That is really bad advice.