To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

@Overthecamelhump

Exactly, different ones. And it might not always be like this but I’ve probably got this for at least another two years. Which is one hell of a long time to exist on a few snatched hours of sleep and absolutely no time for anything remotely pleasurable.

OP I totally get it, it's brutal and sounds familiar! The first few months are astoundingly harder than any other time, though, and it definitely won't feel like this for 2 years, I promise you. The sleep deprivation knocks you sideways in the earliest stages but it improves month on month, sometimes week on week. Sometimes there's this magic moment when you've lost all hope then wake up one day realising they've slept through, and even if it comes in fits and spurts, it makes a monumental difference to your state of mind.

Some jobs have set holidays.

Razor, I will repeat, I’m not ‘disregarding’ anything but I am being honest about what life is like and the challenges we have.

I can’t magically create a support network or make the residue from the pandemic vanish and have health services that work or change my job just like that. I’m sorry if that annoys you and it it does rather than keep telling me and everyone else that you think I am an arsehole, why not post elsewhere? As it gets really shit when you’re whacked out and drained anyway having people accuse you of ignoring helpful advice. I’m not, but some things are not possible due to logistics and some things I have tried and not succeeded at. Th at doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate kindness.

Oh I forgot to tag you, if we’re tagging here.

@Draineddraineddrained

@Overthecamelhump

I haven’t asked for advice and I can’t say I was particularly analysing my motives for starting it at whatever ridiculous time in the morning I did.

But people saying ‘Why are you … Why on earth are you …’ does get my back up, as I ‘hear’ it in an incredulous tone which clearly expresses the fact I am a complete moron who shouldn’t be bringing up a hamster never mind a baby and if I just did THIS then all would be well.

Sleep consultant is a no go. This is an area where I agree partner is unhelpful. Have tried gentle sleep training and Ferber but neither worker so not even sure it would work at all. Probably wouldn’t. I’m a bit cynical by now.

Baby is night weaned, refuses milk at night. Just screams. No one knows why. It is a habit but can’t seem to break it.

It will change, won’t be waking up for 2 hours in the middle of the night for a 17 year old of course, but it is shit and I am fed up!

Honestly i think you would be surprised re a sleep consultant (a good recommended one obvs), their methods are very gentle.

Baby screams out of habit, knows he/she will be picked up. I have 3 DCs and my youngest does the same as yours. I have sleep trained however she can pick the habit up again quickly if for example she wakes up and has a bad dream i obvs pick her up and give her a cuddle but then she will repeat the next night and so on.

How i break this is going in and lying her back down with a shhh shhhh and giving her dummy and then walking out ( i always stand right by the door), yes she can scream for a few mins (longer when your just starting) but soon she falls right back to sleep and the next night is absolutely fine.

If its shit and your fed up do something about it, babys wake up due to parenting habits that have been created, im not bashing, ive been there too but make the changes.

My life was a bit like that except I was still on maternity when DC was 10 months old. It still sucked and it was hard work. Then miraculously DC started sleeping, like LOTS. It was amazing. I got a good six months of decent sleep until the next sleep regression/whatever they call it. But after that it definitely got easier. I hope your little one starts sleeping soon! Everything is shit when you're that tired.

I also co slept on the end as both mine woke up so much in the night and it worked so well, everyone ended up happier and more well rested and they're happy confident boys now! Don't know of co sleeping is right for you or not but it was amazing for us.

Unfortunately that hasn’t held true here @Polkadots2021! But we shall see.

Oh no way I could co sleep, no ne would have got any sleep at all!

Sorry OP just seen you tried co sleeping. All I can say is that it does get better but these early days feel like a crazy overwhelming time - you're doing amazing even if it doesn't feel like it.

With my PT hat in, multi minerals before bed and a multivit and omega supplement in the mornings can help a lot and are easy to do. It could help with lowering stress hormones quite a lot which can take the edge of the stress a bit.

And I also can't believe anyone has left you negative comments on this thread, kicking someone when they're down/feeling vulnerable is the lowest of the low.

How i break this is going in and lying her back down with a shhh shhhh and giving her dummy and then walking out ( i always stand right by the door), yes she can scream for a few mins (longer when your just starting) but soon she falls right back to sleep and the next night is absolutely fine.

That’s YOUR baby though. Some babies will scream for a long time until they vomit, then fall asleep from exhaustion, then wake 15 minutes later and start all over again.

My first was an awful, awful sleeper and nothing worked, and it was so unhelpful to have people with easier babies say their baby slept better due to their superior parenting. I tried everything! Nothing worked, nothing. My next baby I tried nothing at all and that one slept fine from the start…

I feel for you OP. It's the sleep deprivation that's getting to you that's all. It is truly hard. I haven't even started back at work and I find it hard. My baby doesn't sleep in his cot at all, im up all night, and when he does finally sleep in his cot it's for about an hour at most. You are doing so well keep telling yourself that! Going to work and having sleepless nights, what a strong amazing mum you are!

And for the people saying 'didn't you know how hard it was going to be having a baby'.. well yes we did hear that but somehow you never think it would be THAT hard. How can anyone know what it's like without going through it.

I bet your baby is the cutest and most beautiful thing. Look at their little face and how wonderful they are. You are doing this all for them. The best and most wonderful thing you will ever do. You are amazing and your baby knows your are amazing too x

Yes I get it. It's amazing how obtuse many users are being. If the baby wakes up and cries, it's usually the mother who's awake anyway. So not much of a point shoving your partner out of a sound sleep to deal with the problem when you are awake and if the baby doesn't settle well with him, you can't sleep anyway to the sound of shrieking.

It’s not too late to start, especially if they are both working full time. The baby will learn to settle with both parents. Looking back I wish I’d pushed DH into doing nights sooner. We now sleep in seperate bedrooms, one with the babies so the other can sleep in peace.

Genuinely trying to suggest options because looking back I definitely took on too much the first time around.

what you need right now is !
I understand.
It can be really hard.
My first woke every two hours every single bloody night for the first 15 months. We were so knackered we were like zombies.

I'm not going to give you any advice because you don't need it. You're doing what you can.

You will get through this I promise. You will come out the other end and be all "thank FUCK that's over"

You are doing well OP

It's fucking hard. Really fucking hard.

I'd recommend this book if you had time to read it - www.amazon.co.uk/Motherhood-Finding-Yourself-Lisa-Marchiano/dp/1683646665?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 This doesn't mess around with how fucking hard being a mother is.

Thanks for kinder comments. I honestly don’t think any form of training works. Last night frantic with exhaustion, I mean, just desperate for sleep. But sort of jerks out of it. Was sitting up in cot and rubbing eyes and weeping - but still sitting up.

What can you do?

I don’t even mind holding until going to sleep but it’s the thrashing and kicking and pulling that kills me. It isn’t personal but feels it at 2am!

I hear you. It's super hard to be up so much in the night, and as much as I love my DS I too can feel incredibly frustrated. I do co-sleep, which I do hate to be honest, I haven't slept in the same bed as my husband for 10 months, but it's the solution that works for us in the sense it keeps him quiet on a night so he doesn't wake DD up (who was an absolutely awful sleeper until 13 months and since then has been a dream - now 2 2/1). So I'm pinning my hopes on the fact he will sleep better in a few months... but I don't know, I can't see it really. I'm still on maternity for now, I feel for you having to be back at work whilst so exhausted. I will be in a similar situation in a few weeks! Sleep training ever worked for us either! All the best OP

I feel your pain!! It's exhausting and soul destroying, and you'd give anything for a few hours of sleep. But you don't get them and then you have to get up and go to work and do a good job there too!!

I'm a mum to four dc - they're older now at 32, 30, 15 & 9 - but with both dh and I working full time and (obviously!) the two younger ones at home, it's still hard work and requires a lot of juggling.

I'm sorely tempted to go part time, as even 2 early finishes would make a big difference, but it's difficult with work at the moment as there is literally nobody to cover me!

So my suggestions are (and I could do with taking a few myself at the moment) to farm out ironing & cleaning if you can possibly afford it and to have a takeaway once a week again if you can afford it. If money is an issue, drop your standards. The house doesn't need to be spotless and beans on toast is a great dinner! With the baby waking and taking so long to settle, personally I don't like all these sleep solutions, so I've always co-slept with all four of mine. It's what I needed to do to get some sleep, so that I could function like a normal person. Also, please bear in mind that pnd can also be brought on from a change in circumstances, like going back to work, and do get help if you have even the slightest inkling that this may be the case. You just have to give yourself the best chance to get through this phase.

I you ever need to rant, please feel free to msg me.

You poor thing OP.
I had similar when mine was about 9months and finally broke down in front of my HV, who helped me a lot and gave me the permission and information I needed to break the night-time waking. It's trgic you can't access that sort of support right now.
I hope you can find a way through that works for you. If bath-time is yet another chore that you have to endure then remember that a daily bath is certainly not a necessity. Mine had ezcema and I ditched the daily bath in favour of a bottom wipe instead. Nothing bad happened. Cut ALL the corners you can. Get a babysitter - if you can afford it - so you can leave the house for a couple of hours sometimes with your partner. Again, if you can afford it, a nanny will relieve you of all the drop-offs and collections. Even one day a week would give you a massive break. Hang in there, it will eventually get better and you need to do whatever you can to look after yourself in the meantime.

@Overthecamelhump it does get better, it really does.

My husband is crap at 'calm' parenting, which in baby years included sleep related activities. He's too chatty and focusing on making our children 'happy' rather than settled. During the baby years I found it easier to just crack on than have him interfere in a well meaning but counter productive way. However I did firmly insist that all evening house stuff cooking, cleaning etc was his domain until our eldest learnt that sleeping wasn't evil. This sounds like something you could do with your partner picking up whilst you be the sleep parent.

What helped me get through a similar phase was a camping bed on the floor next to the cot, my eldest slept and resettled better if they knew I was in the room and close by and the camping bed was high enough that I could slip my hand through the bars for contact without waking up with a dead arm. Our room wasn't big enough for them to share with us so this was the next best thing, co-sleeping just wasn't an option. My sleep was fractured but much better than sobbing at 2am because they'd woken and refused to go back to sleep.

Genuinely what ended the terrible sleep was taking our child out of the cot and into a toddler bed with a child gate on the door. The change was almost immediate and they learnt quickly that playing quietly in their room was preferable to spending time with grumpy me. We made the toddler bed transition well before 18 months but it was transformative.

Whilst you tread water waiting for your baby to realise sleep is not the root of all evil, carve out some selfish time on days off and just crash. Earplugs in and strict instructions that your partner only disturbs you in an emergency, my rules are fire, bleeding or literal sickness - anything else could wait until after I'd slept.

Hang in there, hope it improves soon.

Op I k ow this is not a solution but Friday night to Saturday and Saturday night to Sunday could you and partner take a shift each so the other gets a full night sleep? It makes life easier if you know a "break" is coming up. It won't make the day time easier but if you get some longer sleep or rest that make make the relentlessness feel more tolerable

I just remembered that soon before babies start to walk/move more, they get really annoying because they aren't as able to burn off the physical energy. Could explain the poor sleep. Once yours is running around they will be wrecked by bedtime, just wait and see. Also, is nursery letting them sleep too much? You may have to work with them to solve this. You're the client, so make sure they listen to you.

The first year is pretty shit no doubt about it especially when it's your first and it feels like it stretches out forever.

The reluctance to sleep and frequent waking sounds a wee bit like baby is over tired by the time bedtime comes around, in your shoes I would ditch the nightly baths and put them to bed a bit earlier.

Also it's worse over summer because of the late nights and light mornings - over winter they tend to sleep longer and better IME.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend she's clearly a teacher. Your holiday days are the school holidays. Working at home after work unfortunately is very standard, no time to plan lessons and mark during the school day when you're teaching/covering/on duty/finding 2 mins to have a drink and all the other shit.

Every couple has to work out their own plan but if you are both working full time then it needs to start with the fact that parenting is equally shared, 50/50 effort

Maybe only one person does the night wakings but then the other person should be doing everything in the evening and more of the housework.

I understand you don't want the split the night shift but why not alternate nights?

I think everyone assumed from your OP that you were a single parent. I'm not slagging off your partner but I don't think he's doing enough.