To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

I have no advice op but wanted to say - I hear you! Mine was the same. I found it horrendous. The late night rage! And nothing worked. That’s just the way he was.

My baby is now a peaceful 7 yr old and I adore being his mum.

Hang on in there. It is absolutely terrible but you are not alone.

Xxxx

Gosh it's shit when it's like that. 💐💐🍰

I had a thrashing screaming one, it turned out he had silent reflux and a different milk helped. It's colic that tends to follow an evening pattern. Reflux is more random.

And a 'can't sleep if I'm overtired one'. Turned out he'd sleep at nursery, just not for me. We had to put him to bed much earlier, before he looked tired.

Some of the low spots of parenting have solutions, some of them don't! Sadly babies aren't equipped with a user manual or troubleshooting guide,
If only they had error codes, so we could get a steer about what to do!!

Good luck, OP, hope you find something that works!

Booking into a hotel for a night is solving the problem for a night!

No its not about solving it for a night.

Its about give you a mental break to then regroup and try and carry on.

Extreme sleep deprivation makes everything feel worse and makes it difficult to think at all. Even simple tasks become overwhelming and the thought of it being neverending and relentless. You get some you time and its worth it for your self asteem.

Its not about solving anything. It just helps you to recharge batteries which will help you cope on the whole better.

Don't underestimate it. Ive been there. Controlled crying didn't work. It broke both DH and I. DH was very involved so it wasn't that. DS wouldn't eat and we were advised to just feed him how we could. So we couldn't just drop night feeds and tbh they were the only way i could get him back to sleep anyway.

For us it was just about surviving any way we could until he got better. He still isn't a sleeper and this still is a problem despite all the routines, calm time and early bedtimes etc.

People didnt believe us about how we had tried to do everything. Its only now when they see DS be like the ever ready bunny when camping with us and that he just.doesnt.stop.

If you aren't prepared / willing to try suggestions here then just go for the survival option plan. And yes a hotel for the night will buy you some sanity and some months of not feeling like you are going out of your mind.

It sounds so harsh OP. I hope baby starts sleeping soon and that you get to catch up on yours somehow.

Our baby would wake on being put down early on (it was colic). I went 2 or 3 months on 2-5 hours sleep a night and it's brutal, I would cry at the drop of a hat. A couple of times I got dh to watch over me while I slept in a chair holding sleeping baby. It's not ideal but it's better than a screaming baby keeping both of you up. Depends if the angry octopus thing happens in the chair or only the bed for yours I suppose. My HV was a godsend just for listening to me, hope there's someone who can be there for you.

@ohthatbloodycat

It's brutal and rather shit, frankly. I won't be pedalling the myth to my daughters, let's put it that way!

Be very careful there ohthatbloodycat.

When I told my daughter, in a jokey way, that having a small baby would mean extreme tiredness she got very angry with me, accused me of exaggerating, which I wasn't, nor was I all doom and gloom about it, and trying to upset her and spoil her experience with my negative talk.

However, by the time she got to her, very sleepless, second baby no one, but no one, was ever allowed to mentioned that they were tired or hadn't slept well, because, of course, no one was every as tired as she was.

@Overthecamelhump my youngest was allergic to sleep. For 14 months she woke every 2 hours during the night and some nights she wouldnt sleep AT ALL! And having 2 other kids and a DH working those fun emergency services shifts it often meant I would (for example) wake up at 5am for the day on a monday, and not get any more sleep till 10pm on Tuesday and still deal with sleepless nights. So I really understand the sheer exhaustion you describe.

Luckily for me I was a SAHM, unlucky for me I had an awkward baby and two toddlers so napping was out of the question.

So my only advice is literally that you've just got to ride it out. I did find DD (now 9) took a liking to soft toys that she could cuddle to death and as she got older those started to replace the need for Mum. 9 years on she is still a shit sleeper, but old enough to know not to wake anyone else how she survives on so little sleep I'll never know. It's not even like she spends her days yawning away, unlike me who needs a good 14 hours solid just to feel half human and I only got that much sleep when I had covid

Have you tried the baby on an alternative milk?

Mine screamed every half hour all night for ages and was very difficult to settle.

Switched to soya/oat milk and difference was immense.

I appreciate 10M is a bit early for this but it's probably worth a try. If baby is having a bottle of milk before bed it could be causing all sorts of discomfort.

overthecamelhump

I well remember the feeling of OMG I've completely f**ked my life! You rant away.

I love my DC and now they're teens have a fabulous relationship with them both. But although I loved them fiercely and there were many wonderful moments when they were babies/toddlers, to be honest it was a bit grit your teeth and power through it.

The upside is you come out the other side with an amazing bond. Assuming you don't go completely postal and kill anyone it forges a sort of battle camaraderie - we made it through in one piece.

I can't offer any useful advice other than just do what it takes to get through. Everyone is a perfect parent if they're childless or talking about someone else's, DC.

Good luck.

OP- have you tried a dummy? My dd didn't sleep through at 10 month and woke about every four hours- I gave her a dummy which soothed her and when she cried I"d just pop her dummy back in and she'd settle back to sleep again by herself.

I've been there my DC1 was a chronic non-sleeper. I cant remember much about the first year of her life apart from the extreme fatigue and depression. It does get better and it wont be for ever. This is the hell stage of being a parent, as shit as shit can be and you are right in the pit at the moment but you and your DC will get yourselves out. For me, toddlers and teens were a piece of piss compared to the first year of having a baby, there is something to look forward to here.

@Redyellowblue34

Respect to your fending off the MN solid tank of useless advice.

I was a raging virago as a consequence of long term broken sleep. You do get through it. I have the scares to prove it but I am still standing. I found when toying with the yearning for a third the memory of morning sickness and broken sleep a highly effective form of contraception.

Respect to your fending off the MN solid tank of useless advice.

Really?

@Flickeringgreenlight How do posters not realise the OP wasn't after advise?? Makes me cringe reading all of them, especially the ones designed for newborns FFS. This should be a safe space to vent and rant without having to acknowledge advise the OP didn't ask for

This safe space term... When did AIBU become or have to be a 'safe space'. It is a discussion forum on the internet. People are only trying to be helpful.

Honestly some of the advice you get is hilarious. As if you haven't in desperation at 3am looked at every bloomin thing you could do or buy to somehow make them sleep better. With hindsight I wish I'd wasted less time trying to fix my first baby so they'd sleep better. With my second I went to sleep as soon as my toddler was in bed while my husband held the baby.
My actual advice would be to accept that this is the way your baby is. At some point it will get better. Until then sack off anything that you think you "should be doing" eg family time at weekends, time to watch tv together, cleaning, putting baby to sleep in their own bed, not feeding to sleep, sharing a bed with your partner or whatever. Do whatever it takes to make life easier right now and worry about how you actually want things to be done later. It doesn't feel like this forever, you will get back to a sort of normality.

I totally agree with you.

Everyone told me it was just my PND, but I don't have PND anymore and I still hate the relentless of it all. I love my children, but if I had my time over I wouldn't have become a mum.

[quote trappistkepler]**@Flickeringgreenlight* How do posters not realise the OP wasn't after advise?? Makes me cringe reading all of them, especially the ones designed for newborns FFS. This should be a safe space to vent and rant without having to acknowledge advise the OP didn't ask for*

This safe space term... When did AIBU become or have to be a 'safe space'. It is a discussion forum on the internet. People are only trying to be helpful.[/quote]
No it doesn't HAVE to be but I didn't see OP asking for help. Did you? Your comment was exactly the point I was trying to make... 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Overthecamelhump you have my full sympathy. Some people don't realise how terrible some babies sleep is and no amount of sleep training solves it. I also had one who would wake for hours at night and it's soul destroying, you do everything you're supposed to do - they fall asleep independently, you stick to rigid nap times and it still happens. Eventually they grow out of it but until they do, accept it's shit and accept any help at all. I used to find that mine would be awake for 2 hours no matter what I did or didn't do, so to save it sanity sometimes i would put them in bed next to me with an iPad, put some ear plugs in and doze while they watch something relatively calm like a toddler You Tube video for falling asleep. Eventually they'll fall asleep after a couple of hours and you will have preserved some energy at least. It's all about muddling through!

OK, no advice. Just YABU!

I had one of these!!

My middle child. I always adored him but at 3am I would sometimes sob or seethe over why I ever thought of having another child.

Here is what worked with me. It might not work with you but it's worth a shot. I read that the key to a good bedtime is well recognised sensory signals. So I decided on a routine.

I used to put him in his pyjamas while he was having a bottle before bed. He was about 9 months. I used to make the bottle a bit warmer than I normally would, put a scoop of ovaltine in it and have a bit more in the bottle. 10z instead of 8, for example. So the temperature and the different flavour became associated with time to sleep. I'd have the lights low and while he was drinking, I put a nice soothing song on that I didn't mind singing along to. Ours was The Beautiful South's 'Song For Whoever', and I would sing along gently to him while he drank his bottle and I held him in his room. Yes, he woke up for the first few nights and I would put that playlist right back on and hold him and sing the song and put him back down when he was sleepy, but stay there singing and stroking his back. After a few days, I'd just have to put the song on, sing it and stroke his back. A few days later, just the song and stroking his back. A few days more and it was just the song. Within a couple of weeks, putting the song on and giving him his bottle in his bed was a big enough signal to go to sleep. On the nights where he did wake up, I'd play the song and he was asleep again within a minute. Even more convenient nowadays with an Alexa!

It might not work for you, but it saved my sanity. He is now 13 and that song still makes him relaxed and sleepy.

Op there was a thread (I think it was on here) about how parents got rage from being tired. I think I googled something like 'my kid won't fucking sleep and I am so tired and angry' - and I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. I get it, you don't want solutions and you're just fucking furious at how shit it is. I was the same. I used to live on the sleep threads and just go on there and vent at how shit it was.

It does get better

My sympathies OP, I wholeheartedly remember that hideous feeling of being so I tired I felt sick. Dc1 didn’t sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time at night and didn’t sleep during the day from 3 months. I remember scrubbing the kitchen floor just to stop myself losing it completely. I would walk around the lanes with her in the pram, with a torch, in desperation. One night I got stopped by the police who wanted to know if I was soliciting 😳 I nearly lost it with him!
More than once I arrived at a destination with zero memory of driving there...
I was almost due to have dc2 when she suddenly slept through the night at 25 months - I got DH to check that she hadn’t died!
She would scream until sick, for hours on end. GP useless, co-sleeping was a complete no-no years ago. My mother would say’Not sleeping is a sign of intelligence’, wtf was that about!. I would mutter that she had to survive long enough for me to find out. Luckily dc2 was the complete opposite.
🤗💐 to you

I hear you op.

I've had one that didn't sleep. I can understand why the well meaning advice annoys you, it feels like people are calling you stupid, saying if you only tried this you'd be ok.

All you want is a decent nights sleep. Sometimes sleep methods don't work.

For us we co-slept in the end. It wasn't always enjoyable, I got a bad back from it but it was the only way I got any sleep.

I can only say that they do grow out of it eventually, well my non sleeper still doesn't need much sleep but doesn't wake me every night.

I don't think your an arsehole I think you're knackered.

I was the same, full of love and joy in the day but being woken for the eighth time in the night repeatedly i wanted to die.

My husband did get up but I was still woken, I tried every bastarding bit of advice but baby needed soothing ultimately, I wasn't going to leave him I also had his older sibling and neighbours to consider.

I could not have worked at that stage in my life I would have collapsed. (I work now and sleep now too)

He slept through from 18 months but I will never have that planned third child! I got a dog instead.

Sleep at any given opportunity, sod everything else.

It will get better, but it is shit, it is relentless and when your baby doesn't sleep it is absolute hell.

However, it will get better. Is there anything you can do just to help you get by? Co sleep? Ask dp to take over and you sleep at a friends one or 2 nights and just be there during the day? I say this because sometimes 2 nights of good sleep can make the world seem like a far nicer place.

My babies did not sleep through until they were 1, I hated the baby stage. I absolutely adored the others. Teenagers especially are amazing because they bloody love to sleep.

I just wanted to give some support

@Henrywilldoit

I hear you op.

I've had one that didn't sleep. I can understand why the well meaning advice annoys you, it feels like people are calling you stupid, saying if you only tried this you'd be ok.

All you want is a decent nights sleep. Sometimes sleep methods don't work.

For us we co-slept in the end. It wasn't always enjoyable, I got a bad back from it but it was the only way I got any sleep.

I can only say that they do grow out of it eventually, well my non sleeper still doesn't need much sleep but doesn't wake me every night.

I co slept with 1 and 3 but number 2 was the wriggliest, lightest sleeper! Every move I made or even if I breathed a bit heavily, he was awake and wanting attention! Sleep deprivation is legitimate torture and it alters your ability to cope with even the most mundane things. I can remember crying when the postie wanted my signature because I felt it was just so unfair to have another demand made of me!