To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

@Flatmeringues

Haven’t read whole thread but have read op’s posts. Quickly want to say consider reflux. May not want to lie down because it’s painful. Sitting up allows acid to go down. Maybe put a rolled up towel under the mattress, so sleeping on a slight slope. We had some shocking nights with ds1. Sympathies.

I'm wondering that, especially if they are refusing milk at night so they aren't waking from hunger.

I would check if it is reflux, and speak to a sleep consultant for some help with sleep. No sleep is absolute torture, especially when you are back at work .

With your partner, gently lay down some rules about not coming in when you are getting the baby to sleep as it makes it much harder.

Yup, babies are shitty and the world would be a happier place if fewer people had them.

@Overthecamelhump you sound pretty level-headed to me. You know rationally that this is just a phase and you will get through it, but it's hard to really feel that when you're in the thick of it. Sleep deprivation is torture and makes everything seem shit. There are lots of suggestions on here, but whatever you do/don't do your baby will change over time anyway. Hopefully things will improve for you soon - just keep hanging in there and be kind to yourself in the meantime.

You sound like you’re at breaking point. If I were you I’d go away to a hotel for two nights and let DH and DC crack on together whilst you sleep for 48 hours.

I am in awe of you managing a Teaching job and a baby! My grown up DD is a Teacher, so I see first hand the amount of work that Teachers do outside of work. People have no idea. It is colossal. Last year, she would go in to school for 7.30am, come home at 6.30pm, have dinner at 7pm, then work until she went to bed. The most stupid part was all of the lesson planning. You would think that the Government would supply modules for schools, so that all pupils are taught the same, quality checked material. Nope! Every single lesson has to be planned by the Teachers. So, what one class is doing at school A for maths, is entirely different to what is being done at schools B, C, D, E etc. She really struggled, and that was with me doing her grunt work at home, like her washing, cooking etc.

Mine are 24 & 22 years old now, and I still remember how exhausting this phase was. Before we had kids, me and ExH agreed that I would do the night feeds, because he was in a "Big" job and needed to be "on his game". Of course, I didn't know what I was really signing up for. Fast forward to 2 babies under 2 years old, and I was up around 10 times a night and I was back at work Part time. I begged him to help me in the night. His answer was an out and out "No", because I had said I would do them all, and so he wouldn't be helping. Knob!

www.babysleepsite.com/baby-sleep-patterns/wonder-weeks-chart-baby-toddler-sleep/

"33-37 Weeks Categories Baby is learning that various things can be grouped together – for example, his blocks may all look different, but he recognizes that they are all blocks. Baby also makes big strides in mobility, learning to crawl well, to pull up to standing, and possibly to take assisted steps. This Wonder Week coincides with the 8/9/10 month sleep regression. Baby’s sleep may be seriously disrupted, thanks to all his new-found mobility. But baby may also begin to experiment with cause and effect at sleep times – ‘If I cry, what will mom do?’ Your baby will quickly pick up on any patterns, so make sure not to create any new sleep associations at this stage. Finally, if baby is still waking to feed at night at this age, we usually recommend an attempt at night-weaning. (Oh, and P.S. – there is (you guessed!) another growth spurt to watch out for, around 9 months.)
42-46 Weeks Sequences Baby begins recognizing the steps involved in simple tasks, like getting dressed, or making lunch. Baby can also apply this to his own tasks – socks have to go on before shoes. Routines are so key at this stage; most babies love knowing what comes next, so work to continue strengthening your sleep routines. You may find that your baby goes through the brief 12 month sleep regression around this time, and tries to give up her morning nap; we advise that you stick to two naps for now, as most babies this age can’t manage with just one nap."

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Teaching and having a baby must be brutal. You have my sympathy.

I wouldn’t give up on the idea of a sleep consultant entirely- they may surprise you.

Also, if you can speak to a GP or HV at all - even though you don’t think it will help - I would. Even go to an out of hours on a weekend? Will the GP receptionist not understand that you’re a teacher and give a fixed time? It sounds like there’s some possible PND here too and you might find a weight shifts if you can just speak to them.

Comforter that has a grippy bit for the dummy to attach to
Dummies everywhere in reach of baby
Music
Light show machine thingy
A fan
Battery operated mobile with music etc

Just chucking suggestions out there in case one hasn't been tried and might help.

@hettie

Hmme, I personally am not sure it has to be 'just how it is'... DC2 was like this, it was fucking horrific. I had toddler dc1 and her in the car the day I realised we needed drastic action (I was so sleep deprived I pulled out of a junction and nearly squished us all- but worse I was a bit upset that there hasn't been a minor accident in which I could stay in hospital and get some sleep ). I told DH that we needed a very different plan. I moved dc2' s cot into back room and told he was on night duty all week. DC was about 10 or 11 months and still night feeding. Waking five or so times and then fighting going back to sleep like a banshee. I realised that we were both getting 'fighty' and tearful for hours at a time with me trying (and failing) to get her off to sleep so there was lots of angry crying anyway... This is when I changed my thinking about controlled crying/ cry it out. DH spent the week listening to the howls of protest and stepping in reassuring and stepping out again. By night 4 or 5 it was loads better, by night 7 I realised all my intervention/ interactions had not been helping (possibly winding her up) and unlike some kids she needed to be left.... Tell you dp you need a week off (yes a whole week). Buy silicone ear plugs or noise cancelling ear buds plugged into white noise on your phone or check into a hotel and just make sure you sleep. Is suggest the stepping away from 'settling' option might be worth a shot, but all babies are different.. Oh, and bit being abusive is a very low bar... He sounds like a selfish sfb (I mean who comes to chat to a knackered pregnant woman when she's trying to rest?)

I totally agree with this. Maybe 8pm is too late for your baby to go to bed op? So she is tired and then the adrenalin kicks in and she finds it difficult to stop waking up. Could you get up earlier and bath her in the morning? And put her to bed earlier (without a bath)?

I wonder if you've got PND. It doesn't sound like your baby is any different to others. It can just be a hard slog.

My second DC woke up every 2-3 hours for 3 years. No reason for it, they stopped drinking milk at 15 months, but still woke frequently and needed me to settle them back down. DC now sleeps 12 hours a night.

Still can't say I love bedtime after rushing in from work, as it's quite laborious and I'm always hungry waiting to start cooking once they're asleep.

The weekends and fun times make up for that.

I had PND after my second DC was born. It made simple tasks and parenting seem really exhausting and overwhelming. That's the first thing that came to mind when I read your OP.

I think you need a bit of a ‘firebreak’

I also had an extremely demanding baby and it is not the same as having an ‘average’ baby.

Get your health visitor/GP on board and all it on thick, there may be some issue there and/or they can help you with the mental load.

I would actually sign myself off sick for 2 days and just sleep and eat and shower.

The mind and body cannot function well with such demands and you may be suffering from depression too possibly.

Number one is your mental wellbeing and your kids mental wellbeing - nothing else matters. Nothing. So order take aways for a week or whatever it takes to scale things down. Bonding and enjoyment not only take time but they take some ‘space’ to grow love so that you spend time with a baby that you have the capacity to enjoy more and more each day.

I’m going to yes but useful advice. Sorry.

Cry it out only works if they eventually go to sleep. If they just get hysterical and throw up, it won’t.

Reflux shouldn’t come at the same time (give it take 30 mins) a night. Or should it? No idea but this gets suggested a LOT on MN and while it is the case for a lot of babies it had me desperately convinced I had a baby with something wrong with it in the early days and I don’t think I do!

Co sleeping really doesn’t work, it is co not sleeping.

Booking into a hotel for a night is solving the problem for a night!

Dummies are hit and miss. Can sleep with them, can also sleep without them. Doesn’t cry without it. I’d rather not have a dummy dependency, would go with it if it worked but it doesn’t particularly.

There is no way GPs or HVs will be helpful. My HV is lovely and I couldn’t ask for a nicer kinder woman, but the clinics aren’t open, she would have to visit at home and I get no privacy at home. In any case I don’t know what people think the GP or the HV will do. I’m sorry if that sounds arsey but I don’t.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I'm actually confused as to what job doesn't allow annual leave..is that not against the law?

Can you get signed off with fatigue then?

Are you serious? I’ve never had a job that has paid time off. How can you think every job has annual leave?!

Hey! I completely get you! Just had my first baby (well 6 months ago) and I have felt like this too... I do have good days and bad days and days In between.. I am grateful for my baby as I've always wanted kids... can I ask, how old are you? And how d is your baby?? X

Hi OP

If your baby moves when you try to put her to sleep, can you try swaddling her tight.
Will also help her sleep

I know where you are, I really do. Dark thoughts and all. I am so awful if I even miss an hour of sleep, so the first year was godawful for me.

I know you say you didn't come here to get advice but I will tell you what worked for us and you can take or leave it.

Just Chill Baby Sleep - online sleep course. You say sleep consultant is a no no as your partner not convinced. Well you can do this in your own time and it's much cheaper.

Sorting out daytime naps. Are they over or under tired?

Consistency! Same bedtime every day. Same bedtime routine so they know this is night sleep now. Same reaction when they wake in the night. It's a good thing baby isn't asking for milk still as sleeping through the night isn't far away.
You and your partner need to be on the same page. You need to both agree on a strategy and stick to it.

Investigate reflux. It definitely can be the cause of wake ups. You say you can't be on the phone waiting for an appointment - can your partner call? Can you email the surgery and explain the situation? Can you call 111 at a weekend as a last resort just so you can speak to a GP?

Introduce a comforter. Game changer for us. Something soft and made of muslin so it's breathable. Sleep with it yourself a few nights so it smells of you. Just keep it with you always especially when feeding, let baby play with it. Then leave it in their cot at all naptimes and bedtimes (send it into nursery/childminder if they're looked after during the day). It acts as a surrogate for you and will help them fall asleep independently.

It's worth it, it really is. Good luck

Sorry for spamming but very passionate about this thread! I felt just like you for months with my baby being unsettled.... it helped things drastically when I put her on anti reflux milk! I noticed you mentioned your baby has reflux (I think?) If they arnt on special milk for this is try it if I were you....

Also agree with 8pm being possibly too late to sleep and making baby overtures... my baby screams if she gets overtures..then doesn't sleep! Try bathing them before bed with the organic nectarine smelling baby bath by child farm as the orange smell relaxes them.. keep quiet and calm before sleep and maybe arrange so the bottle is just before sleep at say 7pm?

Just suggesting what I did which helped for us...

I was going to mention silent reflux, but I've seen others have, already.

OP I would definitely look into this, sometimes there are no other symptoms apart from relentless screaming.

@Bonheurdupasse

Hi OP

If your baby moves when you try to put her to sleep, can you try swaddling her tight.
Will also help her sleep

It’s a he and he’s ten months now. The ship has sailed on swaddling.

@Bonheurdupasse

Hi OP

If your baby moves when you try to put her to sleep, can you try swaddling her tight.
Will also help her sleep

The baby is 10 months old!!!

I think @Overthecamelhump just needed to have a vent and to feel seen and heard. I mean, if there’s one thing that unites parents it’s the absolute car crash of the night times.

Instead it seems she’s taken a bit of a pasting for not telling some posters who offered advice that their advice was the best that there could ever be, and that they’ve solved all her problems.

I think you’ve dealt with it pretty well, OP. I really hope things improve soon. Do what you need to do to survive, because that’s basically all we can do until the kids start behaving like reasonable people. And they do eventually. Until they’re teenagers anyway, then they’re twats again

When I was in your situation there were things that I dismissed out of hand because not doing so would have meant I would have to face some difficult truths.

One of those was that DP couldn't help, that he had too much on, that he couldn't survive on the little sleep that I was somehow surviving on. He could, and he wanted to - just not enough to help me overcome my resistance to it. I honestly nearly went insane and I'm still profoundly angry with him, I don't think it will ever really go away. I'm angry with myself for thinking that his work was somehow more important than mine, or rather than my ability to cling to a career.

When it got to breaking point it turned out that he could accommodate a similar level of exhaustion as I could,

Yup - that's what it's like

@Glssr195726113493

I think *@Overthecamelhump* just needed to have a vent and to feel seen and heard. I mean, if there’s one thing that unites parents it’s the absolute car crash of the night times.

Instead it seems she’s taken a bit of a pasting for not telling some posters who offered advice that their advice was the best that there could ever be, and that they’ve solved all her problems.

I think you’ve dealt with it pretty well, OP. I really hope things improve soon. Do what you need to do to survive, because that’s basically all we can do until the kids start behaving like reasonable people. And they do eventually. Until they’re teenagers anyway, then they’re twats again

You are spot on! How do posters not realise the OP wasn't after advise?? Makes me cringe reading all of them, especially the ones designed for newborns FFS. This should be a safe space to vent and rant without having to acknowledge advise the OP didn't ask for. Haven't we all had a shitty day / week / MONTHS like that? When you don't want a solution, you just want to be heard!