To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

Sympathy from me. So hard at this age when you work, and have a baby who doesn’t sleep well. One day at a time. Take pleasure in the small wins. It gets better, then worse again, then better. But generally gets better and more fun. Unless teething or unwell. Then it’s just awful.

The exhaustion and relentlessness wears you down. You start to dread the night times. You get ratty with your partner. Then the weekend comes and you have to do housework and laundry and shopping and entertain a baby. And then PIL want to pop over so you waste three hours smiling at them and making them coffee whilst wishing they’d just say why don’t you pop and have a nap.

And then in a few years you have this mad desire to do it all again and have another baby… Wtf is that all about.

I hear you.

It is grim, but it does get easier and when you look back in a few years you will feel like its flown by. It is hard, reach out to groups, support, health visitor, go to swimming take baby to "happy" things, so when you are having a bad day you will remember the joy you had even that hour.

It sucks, it will get better. I promise.

Haven't read all the comments and no sleep is a killer, my ds used to wake up and then be uo at 4.30 tonight for years and it killed me at times.

We co slept alot though which really helped, could you try that, he would usually instantly nod off in my arms, sorry if you've said no already.

Haven’t read whole thread but have read op’s posts. Quickly want to say consider reflux. May not want to lie down because it’s painful. Sitting up allows acid to go down. Maybe put a rolled up towel under the mattress, so sleeping on a slight slope. We had some shocking nights with ds1. Sympathies.

@Overthecamelhump

Oh, I don’t have a perfect partner, by a long shot, but personally there would have to be outright abuse for me to consider leaving when children are at home. That is my personal line.

erm, probably not the time to hear this, but your bar needs to be higher. 2 separated but happy parents, are way better than 2 together parents.

However, try not to stress about that as well as the no sleep

Hugs to you OP, sounds completely shit at times.

I hope you get more sleep soon, it will make a huge difference. Best wishes.

A lot of us have felt like that at times, overthehump. This is not much use to you now but, honestly, it will improve. It would be a good idea to have someone to help you sometimes, see what you can arrange. Anything that makes life a bit easier is worth considering.

No advice from me, that sounds relentless. I hope it changes soon 🤞🏻

DD1 was a fairly terrible sleeper. We took the side off the cotbed at 10mo and put a stair gate on her room. I'm not promising it will be a magical cure but it is 100x easier to get them to stay lying down etc when you are not reaching over the sides. Also she didn't go absolutely ballistic when she woke up which I think contributes to taking ages to go back to sleep.

Some babies are harder than others too. I second the reflux thing, our second has it quite bad, so there is a huge difference between how hard it has been compared to our first. It feels relentless sometimes. It must be really tough on you with so little time for yourself. This will definitely get better though just it is a long wait as you said!

@Overthecamelhump

I love being a mum during the day, to be fair.

If I could sleep at night, or even just have a couple of wake ups and go back to bed … that would be wonderful. Life would be blissful.

Is it the middle of the night feeling thats the issue? That makes you feel like you are going insane?

Seriously book a hotel for a night or two by yourself and just sleep.

I have my doubts that this is depression. I think its pure old fashioned desparate sleep deprivation.

The fact you feel better during the day is the thing that makes me wonder.

You will feel 100 times better if you get just one night away from it.

@Overthecamelhump

Oh, I don’t have a perfect partner, by a long shot, but personally there would have to be outright abuse for me to consider leaving when children are at home. That is my personal line.

He doesn't need to be perfect, but he does need to pull his weight. If you're feeling this overwhelmed the pair of you need to sit down and plan how you can make sure you get some quality sleep ASAP.

A few of us have suggested you taking a night or two away whether that's with a friend or family or a nearby hotel. Things will seem very different when you aren't a sleep deprived zombie. Is that a possibility for you?

Ah OP I feel for you. Sleep deprivation will make you feel like this. It does get better with time but you're right 2 years is a long time to function on couple hours of sleep which you manage to squeeze in here abs there.
Get a cleaner if you can afford it perhaps or maybe see if your work will let you wfh more so you can use your commute time to catch up on rest.

Good luck and stay strong!

Can you get a double bed and lie next to baby until asleep and then roll away onto your own mattress?

Consider a GP appoinment even if it is months away. I have a 4 year old and honestly life feels like work/childcare/bed and i wake up thinking about what obligation i have to fulfil today. Im hoping once school starts and i can get some consecutive time to myself it might help. But if youre already on the treadmill of "great, another day" then maybe get an appointment because if it lasts until school age you have a long way to go.

Sympathise as its hard x

Hi OP @Overthecamelhump I'm a teacher, but still on mat leave. I can't imagine how you're getting through each day I really feel for you!!! Have you got the wonder weeks app? It may be a developmental leap which causes a sleep regression. I admit I haven't read all the posts properly so sorry if you've said they've always slept like this? @FATEdestiny or @fateDESTINY is the MN baby guru, she really is the best at offering advice, I've tagged her incase she has time to offer any to you.
I have a four month old PFB so can't really offer any advice on my experience but I honestly would after a particular bad night call in sick and have a phone GP appointment, or do it on your off day if you are PT, get some antidepressants (honestly they'll buck you up, half the teachers in the UK are on them anyway).
Is baby in their own room? Have you got blackouts? Are you breastfeeding? Can you restablish breastfeeding at night for comfort purposes as there's a hormone in the milk that makes babies sleepy. I only bf at night and I think it's a partial reason why baby sleeps so quickly again.
Are you in flats. Is there noise from other flats that might be waking baby?
Silly question but are you changing nappy before any night feed? I think you said they're not night feeding sorry if you did. And to the posters concerned, we get breaks and lunch breaks and unallocated hours occasionally so we do what we need to in those times. Unallocated hours are different to PPAs. Don't get me started about other professions , I'll win that fight as I've been in the private sector and know EXACTLY how much "work" gets done compared to teaching!
Hope FATEdestiny can help xxx

Fate is great but this is a hardcore non sleeper. It is just how it is.

Respect to your fending off the MN solid tank of useless advice.

I was a raging virago as a consequence of long term broken sleep. You do get through it. I have the scares to prove it but I am still standing. I found when toying with the yearning for a third the memory of morning sickness and broken sleep a highly effective form of contraception.

OP I can see you’re at breaking point and I know how you feel as I’ve been there too. Sleep deprivation is a killer and physically and emotionally affects a person so much. One of my children didn’t sleep for 9 months. 9 bloody months. He literally cat napped each night. HV was useless, everyone I spoke to just spurted hopeless advice. I was by myself with a toddler too as my DH was working abroad. I felt like a walking zombie that’d been hit by a bus. Every single day. Then by some miracle my non sleeping baby decided to sleep through. I think it coincided with eating more solids and becoming more active. I think the combination wore him out.
I had tried everything before hand and it didn’t work.
All I can say is hang on in there, it won’t last forever (even though you feel there will never be a end!) Hugs xx

Have you considered maybe a week or two of cosleeping to see if it makes any difference?
None of mine slept well. I ended up having a breakdown and PND. Sleep is so important, its always almost joked about that parents of babies dont get sleep, but its not a laughing matter.
I hope you can find a solution. Maybe alternate nights to sleep in babies room to deal with the nights if you dont want baby in your bed?
Yes its relentless at that age. Im pretty sure most stages of parenting are overrated, but they all do have their really joyful times too

Sending you a great big hug @Overthecamelhump

You keep ranting as much as you want hun.. if you can’t do it here on an anonymous public forum then where the heck can you?!

10 months is a really tricky age, they are not that mobile so get frustrated easily, (but also overtire easily) there might be pesky teeth coming through, weaning creates yet more mess, (and really smelly nappies) life feels relentless and shite. It does change.. I promise! (I’m not saying all for the better but it mixes up a little..)

Is nursery a new thing? I’d keep an eye on it and make sure they are not letting baby over sleep or get overstimulated (perhaps idealistic but some nurseries are better than others). For some (not all) a child minder might work better as they can tailor care more to what your baby needs. Can you incorporate a walk or gentle exercise into your 2 hours of ‘entertaining baby’? Babies aren’t usually very selective in their tv watching so an hour of junk telly with tea and biscuits won’t hurt either.. not trying to patronise but it really sounds like you need some self care. Hang in there and keep ranting.. it’s very healthy! (Babies also like to bang saucepans if the mood takes you.. although in the middle of the night it might not go down so well with your neighbours!)

Op, dS regularly took two hours to get back to sleep in the night. I used to get so annoyed I’d find myself going/ shouting will you just go back to sleep and the Len feeling so guilty. He was around two though I think. He was always a terrible sleeper. It does get better! If I was you I would cosleep for ease. I could spend ages getting dS to sleep, put him back in his cot, creep out and just been drifting off when he woke up again 😬 cosleeping was so much better. He’d start the night in his cot but as soon as he awoke he’d come in with me.

My youngest has just turned 13 months and last week he slept from 9.30-2am then about 2.30am to 6.30am!! First time since birth that it hasnt been a night of horrors ( He hasnt done it since but Im hopeful:)) The day will come, hang in there :)

It's so so hard. I had thoughts like that at times!

Perhaps not what you want but on the off chance it might help I'll share what we did with a sleep consultant when we hit rock bottom.

Did the night time routine. Shut the door. Let her cry. I think it was around half an hour the first time. Got less. After 5 nights we had a baby that slept 6 to 6 and joy returned to our lives. Sleep is everything. Nobody can be happy on that little sleep.

Hmme, I personally am not sure it has to be 'just how it is'... DC2 was like this, it was fucking horrific. I had toddler dc1 and her in the car the day I realised we needed drastic action (I was so sleep deprived I pulled out of a junction and nearly squished us all- but worse I was a bit upset that there hasn't been a minor accident in which I could stay in hospital and get some sleep ). I told DH that we needed a very different plan. I moved dc2' s cot into back room and told he was on night duty all week. DC was about 10 or 11 months and still night feeding. Waking five or so times and then fighting going back to sleep like a banshee. I realised that we were both getting 'fighty' and tearful for hours at a time with me trying (and failing) to get her off to sleep so there was lots of angry crying anyway... This is when I changed my thinking about controlled crying/ cry it out.
DH spent the week listening to the howls of protest and stepping in reassuring and stepping out again. By night 4 or 5 it was loads better, by night 7 I realised all my intervention/ interactions had not been helping (possibly winding her up) and unlike some kids she needed to be left....
Tell you dp you need a week off (yes a whole week). Buy silicone ear plugs or noise cancelling ear buds plugged into white noise on your phone or check into a hotel and just make sure you sleep. Is suggest the stepping away from 'settling' option might be worth a shot, but all babies are different..
Oh, and bit being abusive is a very low bar... He sounds like a selfish sfb (I mean who comes to chat to a knackered pregnant woman when she's trying to rest?)