To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

OP 💐

Haven’t read the full thread,just your posts.

So sorry that you struggle, some kids are more difficult than the others.

Your baby will grow and change, hopefully you’ll have angelic toddler.

Wishing you strength 💐

OP, what about a night nanny? I know it might seem like a ridiculous suggestion, especially if you can't afford it, but if you can maybe look into it? Even if its once a week and then you and your partner can alternate days.

Ah I'm so sorry your having a hard time, but the sleeping will eventually get better I promise and it will get easier. I bet you'll find your bond with your child amazing once they are a bigger, they will look up to you and see this amazing person that has done everything in their power to keep them safe, clean, healthy, happy and loved. Keep going, you are all they have ❤❤

What on earth do people think a gp would do for a tired mum???

And @MyDcAreMarvel I’m not stupid. There is no way I am resigning. This is not about designer handbags but there are several reasons as to why not working is a Very Bad Idea, not least because when I’m the one at home I do every single night and it is a killer.

And while I think many of the comments regarding DP are unfair he does WFH which makes me being at home as well a stressful nightmare. He was in my face constantly when I was on maternity leave (notably he is now having a nap - yes I am at home) and I think if I had to live like that for the rest of my life I would want to move to Outer Mongolia.

Plus you do have to think long term and strategically. It is not sensible or wise or dare I say particularly adult to decide because a ten month old is a PITA to quit your job because ten month olds fast turn into ten year olds and I have to consider our future as a family not immediate knee jerk responses to a crisis. I have to think about boring brown up shit like pensions, and death in service benefits, and so on.

Sometimes, you have an immediate situation which is shit. It is like being on a transatlantic flight I think, at the time when you feel like you just want OUT and freedom, you soon forget once you are at the destination.I shall too.

Oh I remember this. I used to look at my DD, and think 'what the fuck have I done?'

People used to say 'if she only wakes up once in the night, then you're lucky'. Yeah, but that period of being awake is from 1am to fucking 5am!!!

[quote thisplaceisweird]@JasonMomoasgirlfriend she's clearly a teacher. Your holiday days are the school holidays. Working at home after work unfortunately is very standard, no time to plan lessons and mark during the school day when you're teaching/covering/on duty/finding 2 mins to have a drink and all the other shit.[/quote]
Oh come on. Do you really think that teachers are the only profession that have fixed hours and do some extra work at home?!

And now we have an argument about teacher working hours it is a funny thread if rather gallows humour!

@thenightsky I KNOW!

And then your DP says ‘oh the baby slept through.’

No. No they fucking did not!

Ok fair enough, it transpires OP is a teacher, but I stand by my comment. Teachers aren't the only workers with fixed hours and extra work at home

Unfortunately this is what babies are like. You basically have no life until they’re about three. People tell lies about how great it is to have kids - because they daren’t admit otherwise, or maybe it is actually great for them because they have family members who help out so it’s not as relentless for them, or maybe they have money for nannies. But if you’re on your own with a baby it absolutely destroys you. Sadly you don’t find out how shit it is until it’s too late. At six weeks old I tried to give my baby to social services because it was too much and I wanted rid. They refused to take him, said I was depressed. I wasn’t depressed - I was just in an utterly miserable situation that would make anyone unhappy.

@Overthecamelhump

We do alternate nights now I am back at work. It is still shit!

i can feel your frustration with the whole fucking lot of it!

there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique.

Is there anyway at all you could have a night away and get a good nights sleep, at a friends or a holiday inn/premier type place? You need it, then you would feel much stronger

I love being a mum during the day, to be fair.

If I could sleep at night, or even just have a couple of wake ups and go back to bed … that would be wonderful. Life would be blissful.

Wow, extreme responses on here. My first born was like this, I was exhausted, I adored her, loved her more than anything in the world but the nights were exhausting and I wasn't sure how we could go on with no sleep. but then the day time would come and it was ok (blurry but ok!) My partner and I got competitive about how little sleep we'd had and how much work we'd done but looking back, he was brilliant actually. For a while we just worked and looked after the baby, too tired for anything else. So I get you, it's shit... But it does get better and for us that was around 12months. Good luck to you OP, I think it's pretty healthy to have a rant without expecting/wanting anyone to come up with 'solutions'.

You sound so fed up and I’m sorry it’s so hard.

I struggled through the night wakings but didn’t have to deal with screaming. Could you put the cot mattress on the floor and a single mattress on the floor next to it? Then baby falls asleep snuggled up with you and then you roll away onto your own mattress and get some peaceful sleep without having to fully wake up.

@Overthecamelhump

Well, we’ll see. I can cope with not sleeping through, it’s thr fact it takes about 2 hours from waking up to go back in the cot. It’s a killer and I hate it and it does make me angry and frustrated and then I feel like shit! Vicious circle. It helps to whinge.

Dude, it's so shit! I get you! That's the reason I'll never ever consider a second baby, as selfish as that may sound! Love DS to absolute bits and no, never considered adoption (FFS!!) but sleep deprivation and carrying the mental load of parenting is EXHAUSTING. You can call the GP as much as you like, a chat won't solve your problem or cure sleep deprivation. So unless the GP or HV is prepared to come and settle the baby at night for you, there is fuck all they can do. The first year is so self limiting, it feels like you have stopped living but purely existing from one bed time to another with a sole purpose of serving your baby. Hoping for a better night sleep than the last, but you are completely at their mercy. A restful night is a distant memory and you just have to suck it up. DH does try to help, but baby never settled for him during the night as he worked away a lot, you know, to provide for us. And show me one mother who will have a good night sleep whilst their baby screams the house down for her. And no, my DH isn't a shitty dad either. You see the desperation and the helplessness in his eyes when he can't help. Because most of the time, it's only Mummy they want. It may get easier in a few years, but it's shit right now. And that's ok! I get you, so rant away!

Oh I do sympathise my third was vile for getting off to sleep at that age (good as good since birth but all changed) . Then when we was old enough and canny enough would sit and force a poo out as he knew I'd have to get him out and change him then. He is a delight now so hang in there !

If your DH has the option of a nap during the day because he's WFH then he should do more of the night shifts! I think anyway.

If your baby falls asleep when you pick him up but starts screaming and thrashing when you put him back down, that's still making me wonder if it's a reflux thing.

oh god it's so awful, I'm so sorry you're stuck in this bit. I think you said your baby was 10 months? When mine was just about that age I literally lay on the floor at our local Children's Centre (long closed down now) and just cried and cried. A nice worker there made me a cup of tea and someone else played with the baby and I just sobbed. They had a sleep course there which they put me on and while I don't actually think any of the techniques really helped, what did help was being around people who really understood that I just felt like absolute shit and had no idea what to do.
This is no bloody good to you as you're at work and all the children's centres were shut down. But ranting on here might help a bit? People might come up with wanky answers but there are plenty who understand EXACTLY how you feel.
Mine is 10 now and is brilliant, but now and again goes through anxiety-provoked sleeping issues and holy shit, it gives me flashbacks to those baby days. It's much easier when you can at least chat to them about what it is that's making them cry.
It doesn't last forever. I promise. But I feel for you now.

You don't have a baby problem.

You have a partner problem.

You don't want to see it now, and that's ok.

I don’t think so, I think it’s an ‘I don’t want to be put down thing’

If he naps in the day he’ll have work to do in the evening, which is when I need to work, so it gets a bit stressful. It is a source of irritation as if I lay down in the day when on maternity leave he would come in to talk to me. After a few weeks I gave up trying to get any peace in the day. But it does mean there is NO fucking way I will give up my job, I can’t do another winter being out of the house for hours at a time. Just no!

Oh, I don’t have a perfect partner, by a long shot, but personally there would have to be outright abuse for me to consider leaving when children are at home. That is my personal line.

Does he go to nursery through the school holidays OP, so you can at least look forward to a bit of respite/catching up on sleep during half term?

A non-sleeper is absolute torture. Eldest started to improve around 9 months but wasn’t reliably sleeping through too 18 months, and I honestly don’t know how I functioned on returning to work (it was a good job I didn’t drive at the time, I would have been a danger). Also totally relate to the murderous feeling of “just go to fucking sleep”. I’d love to say it gets better but now our youngest is a dick about bedtimes she does at least stay asleep once she finally gets there!

Yes indeed, not full time, but I am hanging onto this for dear life right now!

Good, that will be a small light at the end of the tunnel. Any chance a grandparent can take him off your hands one weekend day so you can have a break then too? Teaching is relentless without a nocturnal infant in the mix so take whatever help is on hand

I remember this time so well. My DS didn't sleep through the night until he was three years old and I was working full time and studying part time. I honestly don't know how I did it. I know I used to be so exhausted all the time.

But it does get better. It is still very hard work. Hang on in there.