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Original poster

The way society lies to us about motherhood

449 replies

RLRapunzel · 10/07/2021 07:14

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 10/07/2021 12:24

All I ever hear from parents is relentless whining, every few months on Facebook there’s another cringey post of a miserable woman in maternity nappies standing with a newborn, and a list droning on like ‘no one ever told me how much I would bleed, no one ever told me…blah blah blah’.

Believe them. Believe women. The ‘it’s all worth it though..’ is obviously only added on because it’s taboo to regret reproducing. I believe them, and I’m childfree, life is bliss.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 10/07/2021 12:24

@Twelvetimestwo

No ones answered my question yet about why those that hate parenting seem to have more than one child.
I don't understand that either. Most people do it more than once. Not me.
Weebleweeble · 10/07/2021 12:26

Expectations on mothers are higher - no drinking, no soft cheese, no etcetc - but work right up til their due then back to work afterwards. Why is everyone packed off home so fast even if they have several other DCs - I spose it's infection risk but that's overcrowded hospitals - Then hardly any health visitor visits etc once home. Poor support all round.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
MartinaMcBride · 10/07/2021 12:26

@Twelvetimestwo

No ones answered my question yet about why those that hate parenting seem to have more than one child.
I don't have kids so this isn't my personal experience but the reasons I've been told/read/heard are to give the first child a sibling (thread in AIBU about that today actually), husband wants a second one, accidental pregnancy, don't want child to cope alone when parents are old/sick/die, been told its easier with two as they play together, they/their husband wants the other sex to the first child. There's probably loads of other reasons I haven't come across personally but I can't think of any right now.
Twelvetimestwo · 10/07/2021 12:28

Hmmm I don't buy those reasons.

If it's really that awful, say no. Rather than bring another unwanted child into the world.

MartinaMcBride · 10/07/2021 12:28

@Weebleweeble

Expectations on mothers are higher - no drinking, no soft cheese, no etcetc - but work right up til their due then back to work afterwards. Why is everyone packed off home so fast even if they have several other DCs - I spose it's infection risk but that's overcrowded hospitals - Then hardly any health visitor visits etc once home. Poor support all round.
I definitely think there should be much, much more support for pregnant women and new mothers (and children!) for those who want and need it, some women experiences are fucking horrendous!
CrouchEndTiger12 · 10/07/2021 12:30

@Weebleweeble

Expectations on mothers are higher - no drinking, no soft cheese, no etcetc - but work right up til their due then back to work afterwards. Why is everyone packed off home so fast even if they have several other DCs - I spose it's infection risk but that's overcrowded hospitals - Then hardly any health visitor visits etc once home. Poor support all round.
Back to work??? Maternity leave is a year here.

In the US the best you get is 8 weeks unpaid Confused

Why is so hard to not have a drink?

HumunaHey · 10/07/2021 12:30

@memberofthewedding

It makes me angry the way women with children try to sometimes emotionally blackmail women who are childfree.

One day a neighbour knocked and asked me if I would take her DD for a couple of hours while she went to an "interview". She knew I worked at home and also that I didnt want to do it and emotionally blackmailed me by saying she had asked everyone else and I was her "last hope". I dont know what she intended to do if she got the job. I didnt ask.

The child was in a carry cot which she put in the bedroom at my direction and I simply left it there. When she returned she asked "how has she been" I told her I that she did begin to cry but that I turned the TV up.

She never again asked me to look after her child.

So when you say "women with children" you just mean your one neighbour?

And next time, just say no. If you're so confident and sure about yourself in being childfree (and seem to actually not like children), I'm certain you can say no to a neighbour asking you to look after their child. If this story is true, it's very reassuring to know you don't have kids of your own seeing as you lack a moral compass.

Radio4ordie · 10/07/2021 12:30

@Twelvetimestwo

No ones answered my question yet about why those that hate parenting seem to have more than one child.
Once you’ve had one child surely you’re committed to a parenting lifestyle. You may as well give your child a sibling if that was your previous intention/you are able to
MartinaMcBride · 10/07/2021 12:30

@Twelvetimestwo

Hmmm I don't buy those reasons.

If it's really that awful, say no. Rather than bring another unwanted child into the world.

I agree with you but I'm often told I don't understand so I don't ask people why they've had a second/third/fourth child when they hate being a parent and I definitely don't offer my opinion on it. I feel sorry for parents of one who hate it/regret it and I feel sorry for the children in families where parents have multiple children and hate it/regret it. Lots of threads on MN alone by people who were the children in this situation and it's horrible.
Weebleweeble · 10/07/2021 12:31

Also there are many more Caesaereans- a major op then home to little sleep and demanding baby- crazy treatment.

Twelvetimestwo · 10/07/2021 12:31

Why is so hard to not have a drink?

It's not, but in the UK most people have an awful relationship with alcohol but no one even realises it.

All that 'mummy needs gin' shit is appalling

Twelvetimestwo · 10/07/2021 12:33

Once you’ve had one child surely you’re committed to a parenting lifestyle. You may as well give your child a sibling if that was your previous intention/you are able to

'May as well' - we're talking about human life here!

FTMF30 · 10/07/2021 12:33

@NowEvenBetter

All I ever hear from parents is relentless whining, every few months on Facebook there’s another cringey post of a miserable woman in maternity nappies standing with a newborn, and a list droning on like ‘no one ever told me how much I would bleed, no one ever told me…blah blah blah’.

Believe them. Believe women. The ‘it’s all worth it though..’ is obviously only added on because it’s taboo to regret reproducing. I believe them, and I’m childfree, life is bliss.

So it's ok to believe them when they say how tough it is but not when they say it's worth it? Hmm
Twelvetimestwo · 10/07/2021 12:33

@Weebleweeble

Also there are many more Caesaereans- a major op then home to little sleep and demanding baby- crazy treatment.
What would you suggest as an alternative? C sections are necessary a lot of the time
grey12 · 10/07/2021 12:34

My mum always told me that between 2 and 3 yo I didn't sleep at night AT ALL. So I knew very well that having a child was no walk in the park Grin

However difficult and exhausting it is, there is a lot of love and they do make my heart grow. Showing them the world, experiences and what not is lovely.

I do think there are huge expectations on mothers these days. They have to work, kids can't watch tv, toys need to always be super educational, your life needs to look like it came out of instagram. It's BS!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/07/2021 12:38

Yep! My DD has decided no children. I have quite a few childfree by choice friends and not a single one regrets it. If I had to do it over again, but only going back with the wisdom I have no, I'd never have had them.

Grainjar · 10/07/2021 12:39

Thise early years are the worst if you have no help. I've enjoyed the teen years much more and I hope when they're grown up I'll enjoy having a family. But yes the first 5 or so years were hard. When I decided to have a DC I hadn't realised I'd become the resident cleaner after everybody. Picking up all their crap say in day out. You do come last until they're older. But I like to think the later years make it worthwhile.

UsedUpUsername · 10/07/2021 12:39

My mother said all of these things to me

So blame your mum and not society.

Because some version of this is all I ever heard:

You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks

It wasn’t true for me personally tho

ivfgottwins · 10/07/2021 12:40

So it's ok to believe them when they say how tough it is but not when they say it's worth it?

Agree

But it doesn't support their childfree agenda so they aren't likely to admit it

Honestly sometimes I think these "I hate parenting...no one said motherhood would be sooo hard" threads are written by childfree members just to push their agenda

Twelvetimestwo · 10/07/2021 12:41

It's strange how vitriolic the child-free posters get.

Definitely an agenda there. My best friend is child-free but choice but never says anything disparaging to me about my choice to have children.

MartinaMcBride · 10/07/2021 12:43

@ivfgottwins

So it's ok to believe them when they say how tough it is but not when they say it's worth it?

Agree

But it doesn't support their childfree agenda so they aren't likely to admit it

Honestly sometimes I think these "I hate parenting...no one said motherhood would be sooo hard" threads are written by childfree members just to push their agenda

I think that's unfair, I'm childfree and I've been nothing but supportive and said some mothers experience the complete opposite. Just because one person said they don't believe being a parent is a joy doesn't mean we all start threads pretending to be regretful parents. There are thousands of posts all over the Internet about it- on mn, reddit, social media, in the papers and magazines, there's a Facebook group for regretful parents with tens of thousands of people sharing their stories. It should be spoken about honestly to help other parents not brushed off as childfree people with an agenda starting threads pretending to be regretful parents - this is the OPs exact complaint!
MayThelock · 10/07/2021 12:43

Babyhood was a breeze for me OP.

Now I have a non verbal, non understanding, high needs autistic child who doesn't answer his own name. I've spent years parenting without even hearing the word 'mummy'.

That's hard. I'm envious of all my family with 'normal' children. I have all the slog but none of the good bits Sad

I will never do this again. Can't be bothered I don't think with normal children either. Can't be bothered with teenagers and their silly ways, or back chatting or relentless boring shit 24/7. 1 is enough but he will probably never leave home

lifehappened · 10/07/2021 12:44

Hope you're feeling better soon but it's not like this for everyone

traumatisednoodle · 10/07/2021 12:45

This honestly wasn't my experience, maternity leave felt like a lovely holiday and much easier than I'd anticipated. But I have 10 cousins, am the oldest of 3, was a prolific babysitter from age 12 and had looked after many children overnight before I had my own. I had probrably already held upwards of 20 newborns and changed 100's of nappies.

I also recieved some fantastic advice during pregnancy which I implemented.