The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

@HumunaHey

See I find this sort of thing so annoying. It's not about one night where you're tired but awww, cute baby cuddles the next day. It's about eighteen years of crushing responsibility, anxiety, lack of freedom and endless drudgery

I honestly find these comments equally annoying because that is not everyone's experience. For many people, they don't feel a crushing sense of responsibility, loss of freedom for 18years (perhaps the first few years,yes) or endless drudgery. That's just some people's experience.

Exactly.

I don't feel like that either.

Yeah it's hard work, but life is hard work.

@firstimemamma

There's lots of stuff in society now that portrays the shit bits of being a parent - motherland, breeders, the unmumsy mum, man vs. toddler, I could go on. I appreciate it may not have all been there when u had your kids op but it's very much out there nowadays I think.

I feel like it's becoming just another trope

@PRabbit

One of the things I’ve noticed is that media depictions of motherhood always involve healthy happy kids with loads of friends. That isn’t the reality for a lot of mums. I’ve seen two relatives have children with profound disabilities and basically their lives are over because they’re 24:7 carers for people who are now profoundly disabled adults. It’s not surprising that when I was pregnant I felt afraid because I was rolling the dice with a chance of ending up in their situation.

Yes...it's a lottery in many ways. I was in the park the other week and there was a woman pushing round her disabled child in a wheelchair...the child appeared to have some form of brain injury and just screamed and screamed. It was so sad.

I think motherhood is simultaneously portrayed as horrendous, but also the most fulfilling thing a woman can do with her life.

As someone who is ambivalent about having kids and has done a lot of reading about what motherhood is like, there's no shortage of threads like this on mumsnet to read, but the takeaway message still seems to be that it's the best thing and all worth it.

I think childfree women are still seen as unusual too sadly.

Child free men aren't seen as normal either, passed a certain age

@TiddyAndFletch

I also want to add that it isn't just people around me; its media. TV and films. Watch almost any film and the way motherhood is portrayed in it.

Most things are portrayed unrealistically in films and TV - everyone is witty, clever and good-looking (unless they are The Villain), sex involves falling seamlessly into someone's arms and having a beautifully choreographed shag, while all your make-up stays intact. Of course film children spend their lives saying cute things, being wise beyond their years or amusingly precocious, being touchingly thoughtful to their parents.

If you're thinking of doing something life-changing, talk to others who have done it. Research online (not Facebook/Instagram where people are trying to make their lives look perfect, but forums like this one where they tell it like it is).

Don't rely on TV and films to educate you.

Exactly this. Instagram and Hollywood movies aren’t public information announcements purveying factual, unbiased information — they’re idealising, unrealistic and heavily edited. Did you get outraged when the first time you had sex it turned out not to be like a Hollywood sex scene with soft lighting, satin sheets, and theatrical simultaneous orgasms?

If you are making a major life decision, social media and film stereotypes should not factor.

@33feethighandrising

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. My baby didn't have colic, he was a good sleeper and yet still I relate to a lot of what you said.

I don't regret having kids at all, but I agree society lies to mothers about the reality.

Part of the problem is how separate we all are, I think. That we can get to motherhood without really having spent much time around other women while they mother their own babies. And that when we have our own babies, we mother alone, behind closed doors in the early days, while our partners go to work. This set up is normalised in our society but I don't think it's working for mothers to have to do this monumentally life changing, relentless job, without support.

On a more personal level, things should get easier for you now your nearly past the toddler years.

This is so true. I had my first child at 21 and I have never been so lonely in all my life.

OP I am childfree because I have never wanted children and I know everything you've said in your post (and worse) can be true and I also know some people experience the opposite. No matter what I would experience I just don't want children. However when people find out I don't have children they tell me everything you've said - I HAVE TO have them, the baby would fit into my life, it's never ending joy and happiness, I wouldn't have to give up hobbies etc. I have a sleep issue and sometimes I can be awake for 30-50ish hours, crying because I'm so tired, slurring my words, horrible headache, can't concentrate etc and I've actually been told I should have a baby because it would help 'sort that out'!

People will sit and complain to me/others around me about their children, parenthood, how much they hate their life now and regret their kids and then tell me I'm selfish, I'll never know love, I'm not a real woman, I'm missing out on real life etc because I'm not having kids… it's baffling. I think it's good that parents talk about the good, the bad, the horrendous and the wonder so people have a well informed view of parenthood and more importantly, no matter what they feel and experience they know they're not alone!

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love

My mother, who was of limited intelligence, tried to sell me on this garbage too! Fortunately I made my own informed decision to remain child free and have never regretted it. I cannot see other than women get the dirty end of the stick with periods, childbirth and the rest. One half of humanity condemned to suffer the pain and degradation for bearing the children of all humanity. Then you get stuck with looking after the things til they reach adulthood.

Until we devise a system where the birthing and rearing of children is shared equally men and women will never be equal.

I appreciate some things are biological in terms of hormones and how they make you think and feel but I do think women sometimes choose not to put themselves first and it becomes a short sighted downward spiral.

It's difficult though when society expects more from the mother.

How many people would judge a single dad raising kids if his house was a bit messy?

My dcs school by default always phone me first not DH.

When my DH took one dc for their jabs, the nurse phoned to speak to me.

Rapunzel, I'm so sorry you feel as you do. I am also surprised that you didn't realise it could be difficult. Even people who have the sunniest natured baby and plenty of help can have PND and it's horrible.

My first baby had colic, started at three weeks old but disappeared at three months. After that was easy so I suppose I was fortunate in that regard but PND was terrible for quite a while. It was frightening but I was just glad that I loved my child, there are people who reject them at that time. I did not want to have another child, became pregnant by accident and decided to go ahead. Second was quite different and I was prepared.

I'm just telling you that so you know I do have some first hand knowledge but of course I am not you; every case is different.

Your daughter is now three, I'm sure you love her and there must have been good times with her over the years, and will be more.

Bad PND leaves a scar, not everyone realises that or understands.

Is today a particularly bad day, feethigh? We all have our off days, you may feel better tomorrow, who knows.

I hope you are not doing the parenting alone and that you have some help.

It makes me angry the way women with children try to sometimes emotionally blackmail women who are childfree.

One day a neighbour knocked and asked me if I would take her DD for a couple of hours while she went to an "interview". She knew I worked at home and also that I didnt want to do it and emotionally blackmailed me by saying she had asked everyone else and I was her "last hope". I dont know what she intended to do if she got the job. I didnt ask.

The child was in a carry cot which she put in the bedroom at my direction and I simply left it there. When she returned she asked "how has she been" I told her I that she did begin to cry but that I turned the TV up.

She never again asked me to look after her child.

I think of myself as child free, not childless, and every day I am so grateful I never caved to societal or hormonal expectations.

I'm free to spend my money as I wish, do what I like when I like, and generally enjoy my one precious life to the full.

I can hear the anger in your words OP, and I entirely understand. I'm an introvert and need quiet and space. It honestly sounds like hell to me.

@memberofthewedding

It makes me angry the way women with children try to sometimes emotionally blackmail women who are childfree.

One day a neighbour knocked and asked me if I would take her DD for a couple of hours while she went to an "interview". She knew I worked at home and also that I didnt want to do it and emotionally blackmailed me by saying she had asked everyone else and I was her "last hope". I dont know what she intended to do if she got the job. I didnt ask.

The child was in a carry cot which she put in the bedroom at my direction and I simply left it there. When she returned she asked "how has she been" I told her I that she did begin to cry but that I turned the TV up.

She never again asked me to look after her child.

If you're being serious, that is really disgusting.

Even if I didn't want to look after someone else's child, once they are in my care, I'd do the very best I could to look after them well... it's just human decency

I love my dc & would chose to have them. However I have siblings & cousins who want to remain childfree. I see that as an equally valid choice.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time OP, but I think you’re shifting the blame to the nebulous idea of “society” rather than acknowledging that you perhaps didn’t do a lot of though and reflection before having kids.

The idea of thinking your life wouldn’t change much after having a baby seems totally lacking in common sense to me.

@memberofthewedding

It makes me angry the way women with children try to sometimes emotionally blackmail women who are childfree.

One day a neighbour knocked and asked me if I would take her DD for a couple of hours while she went to an "interview". She knew I worked at home and also that I didnt want to do it and emotionally blackmailed me by saying she had asked everyone else and I was her "last hope". I dont know what she intended to do if she got the job. I didnt ask.

The child was in a carry cot which she put in the bedroom at my direction and I simply left it there. When she returned she asked "how has she been" I told her I that she did begin to cry but that I turned the TV up.

She never again asked me to look after her child.

I honestly hope that is a joke. A baby in a carry cot is under 6 months.

If you left him / her to cry that is absolutely disgraceful.

Just say no!!!!

My oldest child is 18 and on the verge of leaving home for university (and all the worries for me that that will entail....)

I did always want children, a family. I was young, stupid and naïve, I had no idea how relentless and hard work raising kids is.

There are times when I think I, and my kids, would have been better off if I hadn't have had children. A loss yes, they are the greatest love of my life but also they create the greatest fear and sadness of my life.

I'm tired of parenting and I feel traumatised. For me it is as though the last 18 years has been a series of traumatic events (especially the teenage years). I can't even look back and think "actually we were OK/happy then" because that's not how the kids remember their childhood and I feel like I've massively failed them.

@memberofthewedding

It makes me angry the way women with children try to sometimes emotionally blackmail women who are childfree.

One day a neighbour knocked and asked me if I would take her DD for a couple of hours while she went to an "interview". She knew I worked at home and also that I didnt want to do it and emotionally blackmailed me by saying she had asked everyone else and I was her "last hope". I dont know what she intended to do if she got the job. I didnt ask.

The child was in a carry cot which she put in the bedroom at my direction and I simply left it there. When she returned she asked "how has she been" I told her I that she did begin to cry but that I turned the TV up.

She never again asked me to look after her child.

You are awful. I hope you realise thats tantamount to neglect.

One half of humanity condemned to suffer the pain and degradation for bearing the children of all humanity. Then you get stuck with looking after the things til they reach adulthood.

Bearing my child didn't degrade me, and my child isn't a 'thing'

Until we devise a system where the birthing and rearing of children is shared equally men and women will never be equal.

What are you on about! Sharing the birthing of children? I've heard it all!

There is a wealth of information available to all via the internet with everything you could ever want to know about being a parent. The problem is, no one who has a child thinks the bad bits will happen to them and they'll be the most chilled parent and their child will sleep through etc etc. People need to take responsibility for their own actions. You decided to have a child. I'm sorry it is harder than you thought but the information is there.

'a few have even decided not to have children after speaking to me and learning the reality of it all.'

I find this so heartening to read. Not enough people do their research, and put serious thought into considering whether having children is right for them. And yes of course you can't know everything in advance, and of course parts of parenthood will be an enormous shock however experienced you are. Fair enough. However, just drifting into it because 'everyone does it', or social media makes it look easy or whatever, is pretty daft.

Not enough people think about the baby / kids either. Do you know anything about child development and if not, are you prepared to learn? Are you an introvert who will be crushed by having to constantly meet another person's needs? Are you robust enough to put someone else first for the rest of your life? Parenting is not for everyone, nor should it be. If it wasnt still presented as the be all and end all for women, it would be much easier to ask these questions of yourself and to answer honestly

Even TV like Motherland doesn't help.

It shows parents struggling to balance work and relationships and arsehole exes.

But the child actors are mostly non speaking parts. They say nothing at pick up and just walk quietly with their parents. They do this every where they go.

It is just utterly inaccurate. It doesn't help.

No ones answered my question yet about why those that hate parenting seem to have more than one child.