The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

@twelvetimestwo
I'm not in any way saying it's ok to tell your children they were a mistake.
It's more like this:
'I love you Johnny and Johanna, but have come to the conclusion that modern parenting can easily break a woman because it's a job that is so hard to do singly, or even as a couple, that I wouldn't recommend it in hindsight. This doesn't mean you weren't/aren't wanted and says nothing about you as a person.
In fact, you are worth so much more, and I don't want you to be an unfulfilled mother like I was so see it as my duty to tell you how I feel.
Humans are animals and like every other creature on the planet, we have a strong innate desire to fulfill our own potential. In fact this is a built-in drive.
Not being able to move forward can make people utterly miserable and possibly resentful. Then you are left with a miserable mother bringing up her children, not a person who has full agency over herself. Because of taboos and customs, mothers often keep quiet in case they are shamed for being a bad mother, or even a monster.
It was hard for me to say this to you Johnny and Johanna, but the truth is important to me, especially as so many mothers complain about the negatives but little is done about changing the reality.
Humans evolved to live in tribes where childcare was communal.
Our nervous systems have not evolved to cope with bringing up children in small families, or alone, as human children need so much care for many years.
Some mothers are happy with modern parenting and enjoy it. That wasn't the case for me after 15 years of feeling very restricted with regards to moving forward myself. How can you forge your own path, when your time is taken paving the way for someone else?
It is how it is because of patriarchy and capitalism, etc'
Sorry, didn't mean to write an essay.

To add, wouldn't say this to a child, more like from age 16 onwards

Yes. Honestly, actually did.

They agreed with me.

I was prepared for it to be very hard and actually we were lucky to have an easy baby who is now an easy toddler and I can't really identify with having no spare time for myself. She is asleep by 7 every night and she has a dad who will happily take her when I want to go and do something.

Expecting number two so I am prepared for it to be a lot harder this time round, but the absolute joy that I get from DD has been life-changing and I can't imagine life without her. She has given me a love and purpose that I never knew existed.

That said, there was a time when I thought I didn't want to have children and if I had stuck on that path then I'm sure I would have been perfectly happy too and been fulfilled in other ways.

I think it depends on what your life is like too. We weren't really much for going out. We are homebodies and our holidays tended to be cottage holidays with the odd abroad holiday a year because we have a dog. We have been used to not being able to randomly disappear for days at a time because we can't leave DDog, so that part of having a child hasn't really affected us. In the newborn stage, I had bags of time to watch Netflix and read, and now she's 2.5 she's reliably in bed and asleep every night and I can do whatever I want then. If you're used to a very different lifestyle then I can imagine it being very hard to adjust.

@PartridgeFeather

Yes. Honestly, actually did.

They agreed with me.

How can they agree when they haven't experienced parenthood?

@Elune

I was prepared for it to be very hard and actually we were lucky to have an easy baby who is now an easy toddler and I can't really identify with having no spare time for myself. She is asleep by 7 every night and she has a dad who will happily take her when I want to go and do something.

Expecting number two so I am prepared for it to be a lot harder this time round, but the absolute joy that I get from DD has been life-changing and I can't imagine life without her. She has given me a love and purpose that I never knew existed.

That said, there was a time when I thought I didn't want to have children and if I had stuck on that path then I'm sure I would have been perfectly happy too and been fulfilled in other ways.

I think it depends on what your life is like too. We weren't really much for going out. We are homebodies and our holidays tended to be cottage holidays with the odd abroad holiday a year because we have a dog. We have been used to not being able to randomly disappear for days at a time because we can't leave DDog, so that part of having a child hasn't really affected us. In the newborn stage, I had bags of time to watch Netflix and read, and now she's 2.5 she's reliably in bed and asleep every night and I can do whatever I want then. If you're used to a very different lifestyle then I can imagine it being very hard to adjust.

This. Minus the dog and being pregnant!

No, but they've seen what parenting does to people.

They will of course do whatever they like in a few years. If they manage to get decent jobs.

If they do choose to be parents they'll do it with their eyes wide open and with family on both sides in poor health and struggling.

I want them to have amazing lives and be free. I told them that. What they do next is up to them.

@PartridgeFeather

No, but they've seen what parenting does to people.

They will of course do whatever they like in a few years. If they manage to get decent jobs.

If they do choose to be parents they'll do it with their eyes wide open and with family on both sides in poor health and struggling.

I want them to have amazing lives and be free. I told them that. What they do next is up to them.

Sounds like you're pushing your wants and opinions on them to me.

'How can they agree when they haven't experienced parenthood?'

Oh god. The whole point is that everyone should make the decision about parenthood with their eyes as wide open as possible. It's a bit bloody late when you're actually a parent!

Does it really. Which part of "be free" are you struggling with?

@Lottapianos

'How can they agree when they haven't experienced parenthood?'

Oh god. The whole point is that everyone should make the decision about parenthood with their eyes as wide open as possible. It's a bit bloody late when you're actually a parent!

Is it wide open if your mother says it’s awful?

The child might feel differently but the above would be off putting.

It's a very one sided opinion

@PartridgeFeather

Does it really. Which part of "be free" are you struggling with?

We're not free though. Everyone has obligations, even to ourselves

I think it’s so difficult when people get into these debates about regret, and who is ‘happier’ with their choice. I chose to have children, I feel my life isn’t perfect (no ones is) but I’m pretty happy generally. My unhappiest time recently was going through 2 miscarriages in a row, but now pregnant again and going well but anxious! However, I will never know if I WOULD have been happier if I’d chosen to be childfree, as I won’t ever experience that life. I was childfree in my 20’s and wouldn’t say I was any happier or less happy than I am now - life had the usual ups and downs. I have friends who have children who are very happy, and friends with kids who have gone through very unhappy stages. I also have a particular friends who is childfree my choice and seems desparatly unhappy with her situation. (Not due to not having kids, just seems generally unfulfilled) I also, have friends who are deaparate for a child and this is making them unhappy. To all the childfree people, like me, you can only know how happy you are now, you might have been even happier int he long run with kids, you might not have 🤷‍♀️. We will never know the experience of the other side of the debate. Really interesting thread by the way!

Sorry for typos! Being harassed by a 3 year old while typing - def an advert to not have kids hahaha 🤷‍♀️

However, I will never know if I WOULD have been happier if I’d chosen to be childfree, as I won’t ever experience that life

I should think that having a child later in life means that you experience child free adulthood, and have the experience of being a parent. After all, I was an adult for 23 years before DD was born.

True, I guess I mean that maybe it’s a different experience being childfree in your 20’s, to being childfree for the whole of the rest of your life, into 40’s, 50’s and beyond - but maybe not though!

@rampentivy, yes, but paradoxically, having had a full life where you could move around the world as you fancied, and then having children, can make you feel like the restrictions imposed by motherhood are suffocating to one's very being.
I get it that we don't all feel the same.
Yes, interesting thread. Thanks for starting it OP.

but paradoxically, having had a full life where you could move around the world as you fancied, and then having children, can make you feel like the restrictions imposed by motherhood are suffocating to one's very being.

True. It was more the loss of spontaneity that I struggled with, and the isolation as a new mother.

Yeah, to be honest in my 20’s I did the whole clubbing, lots of travelling, climbing the career ladder etc and was settling down a bit even before kids - that lifestyle just didn’t appeal anymore (I was in a high pressure sales job but earning lots of money), so to be honest I was ready to have kids and gave me a bit of a focus, think I might be bored now without my daughter to focus on. Saying that, I do miss lie ins, and being able to read all day at weekends, stay up late drinking and not worry about the hangover. But that’s just me, others might think differently. I often joke with my husband about whether we’ll have a resurgence of the party lifestyle when they’ve left home and we are not sure hahaha. We still go on holiday with the baby (or did) as like visiting new places, and plan to take her further afield when she’s a bit older (before she’s a teenager and too cool for holidays with is) so having kids hasn’t actually held us back in that respect.

Pronatalism is endemic in our society for a whole range of reasons, and is as hard to shake off as notions of gender. The Baby Matrix is a good book on this. I think some women may decide to have a baby as it’s seen as what to do, the next step, in the same way many of us get dressed up in a white frock. The sad situations are where it is a societal and not a biological drive. Pronatalism makes it harder for some women to tell and can lead to women who may have been better off child free having kids. Obviously it’s rare to regret your child once they exist but it’s maybe harder work.

Parenthood seems harder these days, the competitive nature not just in terms of ‘mine is sleeping through the night’ but the fact it is an increasingly competitive world and parents need to make sure their kids keep up. In the 60s all you needed was a mediocre degree and a professional job opened up. It’s a cliche but 70s parents let their kids play out alone. Just the notion that parenting is now a verb. It’s easy to feel inadequate and measure yourself against impossible standards.

Personally I’ve always thought it is incredibly hard work - but very rewarding with it. Everything that is hard is rewarding on some level in the end. But given we live in such a pronatalist society it is a bit of a betrayal that it can then be so challenging (work, childcare etc) to actually raise children.

Whenever a discussion like this comes up, there is a tension between women with children and those who don’t. We are doing ourselves a disservice, each woman should be allowed to make their own choices free of judgement, we are not competing against each other. Childfree women can come across as a bit militant but that’s partly because they are working against a strongly pronatalist society which doesn’t serve anyone in the end.

This is nothing whatsoever to do with society nor your mother!
All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

You didn't make an informed decision, you didn't research. Had you, you'd have realised how common colic etc is! It's basic!

You really expected to just carry on as if single with a baby and child in tow. You were clearly deluded.

This is nothing to do with society, rather unrealistic people opting to have children but giving it less thought than which takeaway they will have tonight!

You say kids plural. Why did you have more than 1??

Just to add to that, unsure what social circles you move in, but i was NEVER told by anyone that having children was a fairytale. All i remember is lots of people telling me if never have a full nights sleep again, to enjoy childfree time while it lasted, and oh so many horrific birth stories. I actually remember thinking and getting angry as it felt like people were deliberately trying to put me off. Only one comment from MIL about how people who don’t have kids will be lonely, but ignored as she’s a bit opinionated and old fashioned…

@BusyLizzie61 yes but it is so easy to think that

I am the same age as the spice girls, and I remember them saying that when they got pregnant, nothing would change, they’d just bring the baby in a basket to the recording studio, on tour, feed them when needed and that would be that.

I remember thinking: yes! That’s how I want to do it

So naive…

A bit like when I was 20, and looked at older women with wrinkling saggy bodies and thinking “I just won’t let that happen to me”

I now see that attitude for what it is:” the arrogance of youth”

But it happens