The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

@Lottapianos

'i was child free for 31 years before then not being child free.... soooo'

That's in no way the same as having made the decision to remain childfree forever, and knowing that you will never be a mother. That's a pretty complex and emotional decision for some of us

I agree. Childless or childless for now is not the same as childfree. Childless for now people are planning to have children, Childless people can't have children and childfree people have chosen to never have children.

People who are Childless for now don't go through what a childfree person does. Women have been raped, disowned by their family, had relationships/marriages breakdown as men have lied to them about being childfree and that's without being treated badly a lot of the time.

Parents, childfree and Childless people all have their own struggles but they're all very different struggles and I'm glad a lot of people are brave enough to talk about theirs and seek help where needed. I've been part of a group helping a childfree woman who has just had an awful, violent experience because she is childfree and I'm I'm glad she felt able to reach out for help, hopefully more and more people will see how others can help them and do the same no matter what situation they're in.

@MarshaBradyo

I’m hoping it’s exaggerating for effect

I think it’s off to influence to that extent anyway. The dd might love being a mother, unlike her own.

I agree with this. Everyone's experience is unique, my friends mum hates being a mum and made sure she knew it, my friend is pregnant with her sixth child, she loves being a mother and she's amazing at it, so completely the opposite to her own mother.

My sil was told by her mother that she was essentially the reason for her career breakdown. My sil felt and continues to feel resented.

Not nice.

I always wince when mothers / parents lay the blame on their dc

Mind you not irl usually in the movies. I watched Rocket Man the other day, boy that was miserable

Anyway people who blame their dc should try and stop, unless they’d like to grow their dc’s mh issues.

I'm sure my sil's mother truly thinks she made a mistake. Her second mistake was not keeping her mouth shut about it. Should have taken that gem to the grave.

Sorry OP but not sure that you "werent told". You didn't have access to the internet, or any books, magazines, newspapers or TV? That seems unusual if you were of childbearing age within the last three years.

I try to get online to read about other topics but I am bombarded daily by endless writing about how shit parenting is. There is probably a thread a day on this forum alone.

There is probably a thread a day on this forum alone.
Don’t know about anyone else but I didn’t go looking for a mums forum until I became a mum. So I wouldn’t have seen any of the threads.

@Twelvetimestwo

No ones answered my question yet about why those that hate parenting seem to have more than one child.

I have two...one is now a teen. It's the teen years which are making me regret it. It's absolute hell on earth. How was I meant to know? I was a very well behaved teenager. The stress of having a teen has put unbearable pressure on my relationship. My sanity is hanging by a thread. They don't even go to bed early like little ones do. Oh and thanks to covid they're hardly ever in school which was my only fucking break

For some reason, it was watching greys anatomy that drove me around the twist. In later series, Meredith has three children and a serious job, but it gives her time to do lots of fun stuff too. Hanging out with friends, chatting away. There is NO TIME for that. You can have kids and a big job - maybe - but not the chilling out stuff too.

I agree that you can 'know' before you have kids, but you don't really know. There are no words to describe the pain of childbirth to someone that has never experienced it (for me first one was utterly horrendous, second one was better). Also the tiredness due to sleep deprivation was nothing like the sensation of being excessively sleepy that I imagined. It was more like being a totally different person, with all personality and motivation for life gradually removed day by day. It's definitely not like being tired.

Also I didn't know that I was actually a second class citizen all along! A mere reproductive vessel. I'm now a raging feminist - I wasn't expecting that 😂

I'm now a raging feminist - I wasn't expecting that

If you're not a feminist once you have kids, you're doing something wrong!

@Devondonkey

For some reason, it was watching greys anatomy that drove me around the twist. In later series, Meredith has three children and a serious job, but it gives her time to do lots of fun stuff too. Hanging out with friends, chatting away. There is NO TIME for that. You can have kids and a big job - maybe - but not the chilling out stuff too.

Like in the soaps when 7 year old are sent upstairs to wash their hands and we then get 5 years of their parents down the pub and no kids in sight until they appear back in the living room 10 years later to tell their parents about their teenage pregnancy, drug habit, eating disorder or to storm out and live with their dad/gran 😂

I can relate to so many points @RLRapunzel. Having been told that I was very unlikely to get pregnant or carry a baby to full term, I became pregnant very unexpectedly at 41. I love DD to bits, but adjusting to parenthood after more than 20 years of childfree adulthood was very, very hard.

The worry that DD has caused me has given me many sleepless nights. I simply cannot understand women for whom motherhood is the be all and end all of their entire life. And women who don't feel "complete" after their 4th/5th/6th child completely baffle me.

This makes me sound like someone who hates children. I don't, honestly . I just don't enjoy the negative trappings that come with parenthood, and in my case the positives haven't really outweighed the negatives.

The saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child is so very true.

I hear you OP. I knew it was theoretically ‘hard’. Like my job is ‘hard’ and being on hand for my disabled mother is ‘hard’. I had done the antenatal courses and read the books and looked after my nephews. Your own baby is just a whole different ball game though that I don’t think you can truly appreciate until you are in it. Good for any PP who said they were fully read up and they experienced zero shock to the system. That sure as hell wasn’t my experience. It was the biggest upheaval in my life and it’s still 50:50 if it was the right decision, no matter how much I love DS.

Maximum respect to those posters who were confident in their decision not to have children. I think you are very brave in a society that often judges childless women.

I don’t want any more, of that I’m certain. But I can speculate others go on to have more because they view 99% of the damage as already being done to their lives going from zero to one.

All the best OP. I hope things improve for you.

I think, if you look for it, and listen to friends and family who are already parents, the reality of motherhood is out there. Many don't though, and others (like me) are persuaded by 'it's different when they're your own' and 'it's all worth it'.

For many, this may be true, but not for everyone, and there's no try before you buy with kids!!

@Twelvetimestwo

Most people saying motherhood is awful seem to have more than one child. Why is that?

Maybe having multiple children is harder?

I would have said it was hard when I just had one.

"Most people saying motherhood is awful seem to have more than one child. Why is that?"

I ended up with antenatal depression with DC2 and regret when the memories and feelings from DC1 being tiny came flooding back. I love him to pieces and he's been by far an easier child but that coping mechanism of blanking out the worst of it had most definitely kicked in. Still get flashbacks of when DC1 (with adhd as we later found out) was small.

For me it was the sleep deprivation that took me by surprise. I know everyone talks about it but you don't realise how serious and relentless it is. I stayed in the postnatal ward for a week after my 2nd due to complications and it was so hard to sleep I started seeing and hearing things that weren't there and shaking. The midwives told me to suck it up. The sleep thing overwhelms me now with 2 under 2

The loss of career and figure - not so bothered as neither were all that great before the kids came. 😀 I do feel divided though. I want to get back to work and to social life but weird urge to have a 3rd.

Oh also I know they say "do your pelvic floor" but I'm not sure the NHS quite tell you about the implications if you don't. Oh and no one mentioned how terrifying and painful doing a poo would be after giving birth. Oh and I didn't realise that my exclusively breastfeeding my baby for months meant he would refuse a bottle. It seemed a small thing in month 2 but by month 6 I felt so trapped

@PerveenMistry

I never believed the lies and sugar-coating and am blissfully childfree.

I have a nice home, good job, seven-figure retirement nest egg, travel, lovely garden, great friends, fulfilling volunteer work, and currently a fun man my own age. My body isn't wrecked.

Each and every day I feel grateful. My childfree sister and friends agree.

That all sounds lovely, which is why it's a bit puzzling that your main hobby seems to be going on MN and telling any women with children feeling low how much better your life is. That doesn't seem like the mark of a happy person...

My mum spent my whole childhood telling us how having kids ruined her life. It really put me off having children and I was very cautious to do all that I could to not end up in the same situation as her.

I think one important reason dads are so shit is the terrible parental leave choices for dads in the UK. I live in a country where dads can take leave so I just told dh, you want a baby, you stay home and take care of her. So he took a years parental leave and I went happily back to work. As far as I'm aware, doing that in the UK is incredibly difficult. If I had been left home every single day I would have been miserable.

I know some women have easy births. But that was the BIG LIE for me. Basically torture for hours on end. Ripped from the inside out. Blood loss. Zero dignity. It isn't like that for everyone but it IS for so many. It's barely spoken about in its reality. Glorified as empowering and natural etc. it's fucking torture more like. But they say don't tell pregnant women because it scares them. Maybe it would not be so scary if we were better prepared instead of BOOM guess what it's happening now there's not much you can do.

Then the sack of spud body and paper thin bladder you are left with in the end. The bleeding gums. Scraggy hair. Stretch marks. Always a grey tinge to your skin due to lack of sleep. Again not everyone, but lots of us.

I'm pregnant again as I write this and have done this to myself willingly but I feel much more informed and have battle strategies ready. The shock of the first just wipes you out.

@PerveenMistry

I never believed the lies and sugar-coating and am blissfully childfree.

I have a nice home, good job, seven-figure retirement nest egg, travel, lovely garden, great friends, fulfilling volunteer work, and currently a fun man my own age. My body isn't wrecked.

Each and every day I feel grateful. My childfree sister and friends agree.

That’s great

Always good when life choices aren’t regretted

Many who have had dc could gush too but honestly why try to convince people like this

There are happy people who’ve made all kinds of choices

@PerveenMistry

I never believed the lies and sugar-coating and am blissfully childfree.

I have a nice home, good job, seven-figure retirement nest egg, travel, lovely garden, great friends, fulfilling volunteer work, and currently a fun man my own age. My body isn't wrecked.

Each and every day I feel grateful. My childfree sister and friends agree.

Well, my two year old just did a shit on our new sofa. So who is the real winner here?

@AnotherGo 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Haha 😂