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Parenting

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Original poster

IM SO ANGRY

79 replies

bonkerz · 05/11/2004 09:33

Soryy am sounding off on here.

Have just had a text off DHs exp who says that we HAVE GOT TO pay half towards dhs dds baptism which is on sunday.

Normally i wouldnt mind but dh didnt want her baptised he just went along with it as its what the exp wanted. As far as we are concerned SHE wanted the baptism so SHE should pay for it! If she had asked earlier we probably would have given her a small amount but shes asking for £40 and only told us today when the Baptism is on sunday!

Am so cross, my dh and i do alot already for his dd and pay over the odds in maintenance and just cant afford to give moneyu like that!

Am i being too harsh or does anyone else agree its a cheek!

rant over

Thanks

OP posts:

JoolsToo · 05/11/2004 09:38

normally I'd say you should pay up BUT in your case I'd say no - call me arsey, but to me its in the asking - you can't DEMAND anything from anyone. Maybe if she'd asked nicely? (mind you the fact that its a Baptism makes more tricky!) What does your dh think?

Tommy · 05/11/2004 09:43

Just to add a bit more contention here....why does she need the money? I assume it's for the party afterwards which is not really necessary. Have you and your DH been invited? If you have, perhapsyou could offer to bring some wine along or something instead of giving her money?

Original poster

bonkerz · 05/11/2004 09:46

NO the money is for the church! she is having a meal after which we are not attending and we are going to do a small party when we have dd next week. Ive never heard of a church asking for £80 to perform a baptism which is another reason why im suspicious and cross at her demand. If she had asked nicely then we may have donated a little but she demands alot and we have started to say no. we do alot for dd and shes only being baptised to get her into a cathoilc school. dh is not religious in any way and only agreed to baptism because its what the exp wanted. Yes we are going but as guests.

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Tinker · 05/11/2004 09:49

I think it depends how clearly your partner made his objections clear about the baptism. I would be very annoyed at a child of mine being baptised and brought up in a religious environment and would not agree to it at all. But if your partner didn't make that clear and did appear to sanction it, and £80 is the true cost, I think then maybe he does need to pay. But he could, of course, have been asked nicely.

pamina3 · 05/11/2004 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valleygirl · 05/11/2004 09:53

As a stepparent I would also say want to say no - the child maintainance your DH gives his ex goes towards these kind of things - if this is an added expense then she should have budgeted for it. I think you are entitled to say that, like her, you don't have and extra £40 to give away. Since neither of you are religeous and wouldn't have felt the need for the christening I wouldn't feel obliged if I was you. Don't be emotionally blackmailed by her either.

handbagaddiction · 05/11/2004 10:03

I'm getting dd baptised next weekend and we're not having to pay anything to the church so I wonder if she's trying to pull a fast one?!

Original poster

bonkerz · 05/11/2004 10:05

my dh made his opinions known at the start when he and exp were still together. exp KNEW dh didnt agree with baptism but we have gone along with it because even if we had disagreed the exp would have done it anyway!

OP posts:

Marina · 05/11/2004 10:05

Churches do NOT charge for baptisms, bonkerz. Something odd going on here, I agree with the others.

Original poster

bonkerz · 05/11/2004 10:07

i too am sceptical about this charge by the church! i know she has oganised a big party and think she pulling a fast one!

OP posts:

Tinker · 05/11/2004 10:07

Well then, deffo don't pay. Would be very cross about my child being baptised if I didn't agree with it.

OxyMoron · 05/11/2004 10:17

bonkerz, churches never charge fees for baptisms. I know this as my dad's been a vicar for 40 yrs and has just helped me organise my dd's baptism. What a cheek!!

Stripymouse · 05/11/2004 10:28

If you choose to pay half of this (and it is a big IF as personally I think you are within your rights to refuse as it is not a necessary expense and your Dh has already expressed his feelings against it) I would insist on an invoice/receipt to prove that it really has cost what she is saying.
Another way out would be to say that you are not prepared to split the bill as your partner has already objected but for the sake of "godwill" you will make a small donation eg. a fiver or whatever you both feel appropriate.
If you allow someone to demand money on this occasion what will it be next - splitting the costs for your dhs dd to go to Disneyland? Sounds like a good opportunity to raise a few ground rules regarding expenses and what you both are able/willing to fund and what you consider unreasonable - probably after the baptism to avoid any bad feeling on the day as it is so soon. Be firm and don?t let her bully either of you into paying any amount you are not happy doing.
I am al for parents taking full financial responsibility for their children but there has to be reasonable communication and understanding, not just random demands for cash up front.

marialuisa · 05/11/2004 10:29

Churches do not charge; that said a donation is appropriate (in R.C. church anyway) but usually about £20 and we gave the priest a bottle of whisky (but he's a family friend and there was no party to invite him to).

Could the £80 include cost of DD's outfit or something? Not saying you should have to contribute to this but trying to explain £80...

MarsLady · 05/11/2004 10:29

I'm with Pamin3. Tell her that you will give your donation directly to the church. I know that churches don't charge for baptisms so as she seems to be pulling a fast one that should put a stop to that (for now). By giving the donation to the church it stops her saying that your dh didn't contribute or care. How do we manage to be so awful to each other? . Hope you manage to resolve it, but don't let it cause friction between you and your dh.

Stripymouse · 05/11/2004 10:31

my parent?s church does charge for baptisms, weddings etc. - if the family involved are not members of that church - ie. don?t go every week and are just using the place to "officiate" a family event or to have a party in a nice photogenic location. Still, £80 does seem steep - they charge £15 for a baptism but the way they do it is to ask fro a donation to go towards the church?s upkeep and running costs and when asked for a ballpark figure, they quote £15 as being a typical amount.

WigWamBam · 05/11/2004 10:57

If you're only going as guests to a ceremony that you made it clear you disagree with then I think you're right not to want to pay. In your shoes I'd phone the priest and ask what his charges would be for a baptism, to find out whether she's trying to pull a fast one. If the priest is charging then you might want to consider a small donation towards it, but as you're only going as guests then you shouldn't have to stump up anything towards the party.

edam · 05/11/2004 11:21

OK, so you are peed off that your dh's ex left it to the last minute and didn't ask nicely. But is it really worth having a row and spoiling an important ceremony - you said you are going, so it's important not to have a black cloud hanging over the event (and if you fall out with the baby's mother, you are going to look like the bad guys who couldn't even be reasonable over the baptism, however unfair that is).

Think you have to swallow your pride on this occasion, to avoid ruining the day and looking like the bad guys. Can you try to rise above it for his daughter's sake? Otherwise you run the risk of causing more upset and spoiling the memories of what should be a very significant, important day for his dd. OK, your dh isn't religious, but it's still an official ceremony to welcome his dd into the community. And it clearly is important to his dd's mother.

Do you think his ex is equally angry because dh 'should know' in her opinion that this is important and should have offered to help out for his own daughter? I know that isn't your point of view, but these unspoken expectations could be what lies behind her rudeness. Maybe she's been expecting him to offer and that's why she's waited until now to say this.

Why can't your dh phone her and ask, calmly and reasonably, exactly where the figure comes from and what it covers. Or phone the church direct?

I know you are cross, and I'm sure I would be too, but would you allow a family row to overshadow a wedding, for instance? Surely this is just as important an occasion?

krisked · 05/11/2004 11:25

I most def think that you should stand your ground on this one!! Like you say, you pay a fair maitenance and any decisions should be discussed prior to the plans taking place. Do not feel guilty about saying NO. It sounds like she has done this off her own back so to now expect half the money!!!! She'll start doing that for everything

coppertop · 05/11/2004 11:32

Could you be sneaky and contact the church where the baptism is to take place and ask what the charge is for a baptism? At least that way you will know what you are actually paying for.

Bunglie · 05/11/2004 11:37

I do not know of a church that charges for baptism...I think that something 'odd' is going on and I think that Edams advice is very good...I personally would not pay a single cent...because if I were invited as a 'guest' then I would expect to be treated as a guest. IYSWIM..How many guests are asked to contribute to a christening I have never heard of it before, I hope that you manage to work something out and that it does not cause a rift that can not be mended in later years as there is a child who will grow up in later years that is central to all of this. I hope this makes sense!

Original poster

bonkerz · 05/11/2004 12:41

i really appreciate all the advice and must say that dh and i both agree on the decision we have made. there are over 40 people going to this baptism on sunday and only 6 are from dh side. the baptism is more about getting dd into the catholic school than it is about religion. This isnt a one off demand, exp demands alot of things and they get sillier (last time it was that we were not to bath myds(4) and my sdd(3) together anymore as it was inappropriate! The children are fully supervised and have been brother and sister for nearly 2 and a half years!!!!!)
Also if the £80 included a dress then ofcourse we would help out but dd is wearing her older sisters old confirmation dress so no expense there!!!! Exp did try and make us feel guilty about not going to the meal after (at a pub and all pay for own meal) by saying dd would miss us but we are not sitting at her table and infact would be no where near them is we did go and are holding a party next week for her with other family!!!!
Have apologised for our views to exp and said that we will attend on sunday as it is for dd. Have said that we dont mean to be awkward but thats how we feel and we will treat dd ourselves. her reply was DO WHAT YOU WANT I DONT CARE. no matter what there would have been an atmosphere at the baptism due to 30+ her side 6 ours and she left on very bad terms and has been very awkward.

will update if any news but at present she hasnt replied to any messages since 11am!

OP posts:

edam · 05/11/2004 12:44

But you aren't ordinary guests, your dh is the baby's father and it really isn't wise to row about this. Ok, you are annoyed and think his ex is a pain but I really, really, really, would just let this one go. This isn't the time for big debates about who does what for the baby, have that argument later.

edam · 05/11/2004 12:45

Bonkerz, what decision have you made? Are you not going?

edam · 05/11/2004 12:46

Oops sorry had missed that bit, glad you are going after all.

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