IM SO ANGRY

[bonkerz]

Soryy am sounding off on here.

Have just had a text off DHs exp who says that we HAVE GOT TO pay half towards dhs dds baptism which is on sunday.

Normally i wouldnt mind but dh didnt want her baptised he just went along with it as its what the exp wanted. As far as we are concerned SHE wanted the baptism so SHE should pay for it! If she had asked earlier we probably would have given her a small amount but shes asking for £40 and only told us today when the Baptism is on sunday!

Am so cross, my dh and i do alot already for his dd and pay over the odds in maintenance and just cant afford to give moneyu like that!

Am i being too harsh or does anyone else agree its a cheek!

rant over

Thanks

Am not a great step mum i just know how much my dh loves his dd and do all i can to make sure they both have each other!

I'm on the "don't-stress-yourself mood" today. I would pay, it not that she is asking for the party (that wouldn't cost 40), it's his dd and she will only get baptised once, besides... I think I would pay 40 pounds just to save him the amount of gossiping and misunderstandings caused by saying no.

It seems like a lot of things have been going on since I left the window open this morning (well, there was only 1 post before I posted sorry!

Now, I know this is out of character with my normal posts, BUT I think that IF the money is actually a cost of the baptism, it would be appropriate to pay it. You said that the main reason for getting the child baptised is to get her into a school. I think that that's an extremely valid reason for a baptism and one that your dh should be very interested in. Having a better chance at going to a good school will give your sdd a good start in life.
Both me and my dh are confirmed atheists so our children will not get such an opportunity, but I'm sure dh wouldn't object if the mothers of his other children wanted to baptise their children to get them into a good school (in reality there is 0 chance of that happening...).

The school in question isnt a good school its just that its the closest to her house! Her catchment area school is much better but a car drive away!!!!

i think the cheek is demanding the money for a decision in which your partner has had no part in. if this is a christining for the sake of haveing one (IE. no real religeous reasons attached) i would be more angry. if the religeon is actually that of the mothers and the child will go to said church school and church every sunday etc. i think this mother should therefore be more christian in her views and indeed take into account her ex has another family and that by giving him a week to contribute is actually bad planning.

youcould tell her calmly that at the moment you have not got the money - but had she involved your family with the decisions regarding your step child - you may have come to a more convenient date for the baptism when you would indeed be able to contribute. as your step kids mother - you understand and respect her religeous choices, but cannot do anything about helping her out at the moment, which is a shame becuase if you had been invovled earlier you may have been able to plan the christening to suit all parties and budgets and indeed maybe had youbeen invovled you would have been able to contribute more - inline with pay days /child benefit going into the bank etc.

just thought id let you all know how baptism went!

DH and i got no eye contact or hello from exp even though we tried! All went well though and we are just glad its over now!

Wonder what problem she will have next though!!!!

IM SORRY, thought id use same thread as its just another thing to add to list!!!!!

Sorry if i rant but im at witts end!

After the agro of the baptism!!! EXP has just text me and said we cant see sd at all this christams or next christmas! When DH and exp split they agreed to share christmas and last year we had dd for xmas day and she went home boxing day. We are now going to see dd on 18th but not again till 31st! and been told it will be the same next year! we find this totally unfair! when do we give dd her presents? we wont send them to her house as exp always says there isnt any room but does she have them early or at new year and what about the joint pressies for ds and dd? Have tried to ask if she has dd for xmas day can we have her boxing day but shes being totally stubborn about it! dh has parental responsibility and we are now considerering going to court cos exp demands are getting ridiculous!

Sorry am just so angey and dont know what to do next!

Is her text in response to a discussion about Christmas or out of the blue? She's clearly very angry about something and sounds as if she's lashing out.

Sorry you are so wound up.

nope it was a text about xmas arrangements and although we were not happy we agreed she could have dd this year and we would have her xmas eve till new year next year! she has a major bee in bonnet because dh and i are happy!!! SHE LEFT HIM FOR ANOTHER MAN COS DH WAS DEPRESSED so why is she annoyed at us cos we are happy!!!! Every week she is causing arguments over something and its starting to get ridiculous! Things have been civil till few months ago whne i got pregnant and had m/c since then shes been off with us and awkward!

Really Sorry to hear about m/c. Do you think she's feeling threatened by the pregnancy, maybe? I'm not saying these are reasonable things to fear, but maybe she's concerned that dh will either not love dd as much (because he's trying for a new family) or that you'll try to take dd more into your family to make you for your very distressing loss, IYSWIM. Or maybe she's just screwed up by dh having a new life, even though she left him? People just aren't rational or logical about emotions...

i have thought about all these things but realistically i dont think she can have any of those excuses. DD already spend alot of time here and we are only to happy to have her when exp has to work etc. We are very flexible and exp takes great advantage of this. She is just being horrid cos shes jealous im sure. We have told her we are trying for a baby and it makes no difference to how dd is treated or our contact with her! Am just not sure what to do! am trying to be reasonable and would quite happily forfeit next christmas day if we could have dd every boxing day, its not ideal but atleast we will get to see her!!

Sorry I missed this bonkerz. Haven't got anything useful to suggest but you sound like you're dealing with it very calmly under the circumstances!! Hope the Xmas arrangements get sorted out soon.

AM NOT CALM am fuming but shes turned her phone off and wont talk to me! will have to wait till we see her tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't mean you were calm, but considering how you could be you're dealing with it calmly!! Some people would have hit her by now!!!

there is always tomorrow night!!!!!!!!!

Shes terrified of me so im not gonna let her win this fight!!! Luckily dh agrees with me but would never say it to exp!! Im his voice. ROLLON TOMORROW! I won the fight about the baptism and im damn sure i can win this!

My dh's ex left him for another man but also hates me. The only 'conversation' we've had in six years is, Her (on phone, very acid tone): "Is X there"
Me: "Oh, yes, she's just here, I'll get her" So I really do sympathise.
I've never really worked out why she's so hostile - jealous of someone else in her daughter's life, perhaps, but I also think she resents dh being happy. While he was 'sad and lonely' she felt good, now he's not, she resents it bitterly, it seems.
I truly, truly wish it wasn't like this but it seems impossible to deal with.
But back to you! Is dd her only child? In which case you rsecond pregnancy (sorry about yor m/c btw) could be stirring up feelings of jealousy that you will have more kids than her and so she thinks you don't 'deserve' to have another one at Christmas. Or she is afraid her dd will love her siblings and want to be with your more...it's so hard to tell what people are thinking. I think alternate Christmasses work quite well, personally, and if she's not with us, we give sd her presents afterwards, not before, so she has something to look forward to after christmas is 'over'. Do you think this might blow over, and if you agree to her having sd for Christmas week this year you might be able to discuss NEXT Christmas more rationally in a few months? Don't rush into court if you can avoid it, though sometimes it is unavoidable - such as when dh's ex suddenly announced he would only be allowed to see his daughter one day a MONTH!
BTW she has calmed down a lot since then and it is almost 'amicable' considering she still seems to hate me!

hiya aloha!

EXP has another daughter so its not her only child. Also i have ds so dd already had a 'sibling' here. EXP did agree to sharing xmas and thats why we didnt mind this year cos we got her next year but exp has blatently said NO ARGUING SHE WILL NOT BE WITH US NEXT YEAR EITHER!
I know exp doesnt like me and thats fine but now shes using dd as emotional blackmail cos if we cause trouble she will stop dd coming! Im fed up of her telling us what to do. I think she maybe upset cos we couldnt have dd in dec (a weekend when we dont have dd anyway!) as dh and i are going away and exp wanted to go away too. We have dd 3 on 1 off weekend and that weekend we were not due to have dd and she only asked us after plans had been made. Maybe thats why shes being such a cow!

Good for you bonkerz - you go for the throat!!!

thanks wk

(didn't mean any disrespect saying that you were dealing with it calmly, just meant you're in the right )

Message withdrawn

I really feel for you bonkerz. I am a step-mum with my dh's ds living with us and we have had some stresses with dh's ex. However, on the whole, although I can't say we're friends, we all try to get on amicably and be a flexible as we can/accomodate each other's needs.

As for the earlier issue on the Baptism contribution, we wouldn't dream of asking her to contribute unless we had jointly agreed up front about the function but tbh, she doesn't get involved in his birthday parties or the like - she just does her own thing when he visits her.

With regard to Christmas, we have a similar arrangement and the 1st Christmas after dd was born, his ex was due to have ds on Xmas day but offered for him to be with us to celebrate dd's 1st Christmas.

Maybe, you ought to send her this and show her what being fair and reasonable means - it's your dd who will suffer in the end if there is such anomosity between you.

Hi Bonkerz

I sympathise so much. I'm in the same position as Aloha. I got together with dh after he and ex split up .... but she hates me and won't speak to me (unless its to hurl abuse). In one of her tirades she told me to "why don't you leave my family alone, F off and have your own kids - if you can". She was convinced that I couldn't have children of my own (dh was even questioned on it in Court) and that's why I wanted to take hers from her. She also accused me of getting sd to call me "mummy". She's written me abusive letters and said that she is going to be around for good because she and dh have a daughter together, and I should get over it. I think that's what's called projection!

I really don't think she could understand how I could be so OK about her, the fact that my dh had had a daughter with her, and that when SD came to us I just wanted to make sure that a little girl had a really good time with her Daddy.

What also staggered me is that she has never really spoken to me or wanted to get to know me. If I were in her shoes I would want to know everything about the other woman, so that I could rest easy that my child was going to be OK in her care.

My dh hasn't seen his dd on Xmas Day since she was 2 (she's 9 now), as the Court felt that she should be with her siblings on Christmas Day (ex has 3 other children who are not dh's - and none of their fathers have much contact, if any). This was before we had dd. Last year sd was really disappointed that she wouldn't be seeing her baby sister on her first Christmas. SD is very clear that she thinks it fair to alternate things like Christmas and spend half of her time with her mum, and half with her dad, with no arguing! Are doing the best thing by going along with what her mother wants to keep the peace, or are we letting sd down by doing that?

You feel free to rant away. I'll probably be doing the same myself at some point. I usually try handle it by just ignoring everything the ex says and does. I have tried being friendly and pleasant but she told dh "don't ever expect me to speak to her - she married you". I avoid her at all costs now, and wait for her to make the first move, but I am not that optimistic that things will ever change.

well dh had a long chat with ex and we now having sd fron the tues after xmas right through till 9th jan! RESULT! We are also having sd for boxing day next year but it has been agreed we can have sd for xmas in 2006 and 2007, she has also been warned if she continues to be unhelpful and horrid then we will go through the courts to get the access we deserve written down and legal! If we do this she will also get alot less maintenance through CSA then she gets at minute!

Fingers crossed i wont be resurrecting this thread again in a few weeks with another rant! Thanks everyone for your support and advice and stories! It helps to know others have been there and are at the point im at!! IM NOT ALONE!!!