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Original poster

IM SO ANGRY

79 replies

bonkerz · 05/11/2004 09:33

Soryy am sounding off on here.

Have just had a text off DHs exp who says that we HAVE GOT TO pay half towards dhs dds baptism which is on sunday.

Normally i wouldnt mind but dh didnt want her baptised he just went along with it as its what the exp wanted. As far as we are concerned SHE wanted the baptism so SHE should pay for it! If she had asked earlier we probably would have given her a small amount but shes asking for £40 and only told us today when the Baptism is on sunday!

Am so cross, my dh and i do alot already for his dd and pay over the odds in maintenance and just cant afford to give moneyu like that!

Am i being too harsh or does anyone else agree its a cheek!

rant over

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
bonkerz · 05/11/2004 12:47

I have made apoint that im not rowing about it! Have said our piece to her regarding money and thats that! as for dh being daddy well he isnt allowed to stand at alter with exp so he is a normal guest! We really cant afford to pay £40 as already pay over the odds in maintenance (would be cheaper to go through csa than how we do it but are ok about paying) just not happy about paying over the odds maintenance AND extra on top. We have a party for her birthday every year but dont ask exp to contribute as its us that decide to do it!

OP posts:
marialuisa · 05/11/2004 12:55

bonkerz-don't understand how she can refuse to let your DH stand at the altar. The RC baptism service asks BOTH parents to stand with the child and i'd be amazed if the priest didn't ask if dad was there!

DH is atheist but when DD was baptised he just stood with us and didn't actually say anything.

JuniperDewdrop · 05/11/2004 12:59

glad you're both sticking to your guns. Paint a big smile on your faces on the day

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Original poster
bonkerz · 05/11/2004 13:01

i know but tbh dh says he would feel a hypocrite if he stood there anyway but he hasnt been invited too and thats that!
We are going to go to the church and watch then leave! Pressies and stuff are going to be at our house next week cos exp has a history of taking money and spending it on self etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
bonkerz · 05/11/2004 13:02

im looking forward to havinga big smile on my face knowing we havent given in to her! This is just one battle in a long line and wont be last but it helps to show her we aint gonna be walked over (she got away with that too long with dh before we got married so it aint happening anymore!)

OP posts:
secur · 05/11/2004 13:06

Message withdrawn

Original poster
bonkerz · 05/11/2004 13:13

yeah thanks secure but we are not going to pay anything as we feel its not a necessity and we can then spend our money on things she does need. ALSO we cant afford to pay anything, it hard enough finding the money for petrol to get there as its an hours drive away!

OP posts:
secur · 05/11/2004 13:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster
bonkerz · 05/11/2004 13:26
Smile
OP posts:
alicatsg · 05/11/2004 13:27

My church asked for £8 for the service to go to church upkeep which I thought was ok. £80 is insane. Can you call the vicar and ask?

marialuisa · 05/11/2004 13:28

sorry, sounded as if your DH was feeling excluded. If he doesn't want to stand there it's a bit different.

RatherSad · 05/11/2004 13:30

Feel sorry for you all . It must be difficult sorting these sort of issues out, but just wanted to pick up on something bonkerz said in her first post `my dh and i do a lot already for his dd'. Well tbh, my gut reaction is to say, so I should think (he is her dad after all!). I'm not saying that you dh's exp is blameless here (there are always 2 sides of every argument), but there is a child in the middle of all this and she is your husband's daughter.

secur · 05/11/2004 13:42

Message withdrawn

aloha · 05/11/2004 13:48

If you don't agree with it, don't pay it. I wouldn't dream of paying half for a baptism, as dh and I don't agree with it. And it's hardly essential to life. Just say no. I know it's hard, but you aren't a cashpoint.

Original poster
bonkerz · 05/11/2004 14:35

rathersad,, what i meant is that we already pay alot in maintenance and also have dd evry weekend and atleast half of all holidays, we also provide her clothes,food, holidays etc when she is with us and also provide her with extra clothes and toys etc to take home. If you read my other posts you will see that if we went through CSA for maintenance we would pay atleast £40 less per month than we do and we pay the extra because she is dh daughter and we love her. Unfortunately we are aware that exp does not spend this money on her dd as she always looks a mess when she comes to us. i do think your comment was rather harsh!

OP posts:
rathersad · 05/11/2004 15:55

Bonkerz, sorry if I came across a bit harsh. From the sounds of it, you obviously love your dh's dd - and the situation is clearly complex. Lovely to hear that you have an active involvement (in addition to the monetary aspect)

To explain further, excuse the ramble, for me the problem is that I know two people who have married guys with children from their previous relationships. In one of these cases, there is no contact with the child from the previous relationship (father's choice) and it is almost as if this child has been written out of the equation. The children from the new relationship don't want for anything and I just cant understand how the new wife could be so cold to this child when she talks about her (it beggars belief that the dh does not want to see his child by his exp). You just cant help wondering if this new relationship broke up, whether the dh would wash his hands of these children too and whether his dw would be quite so understanding then.

Didn't mean to judge, but just feel so sorry for the children caught up in all this power play.

I hope you can sort this out amicably. I know that emotions must be running high, but if the exp is making mischief over all this, try not to be dragged down to her level. Good Luck.

karen01 · 05/11/2004 16:20

Bonkerz, No I don't think you should pay. I would never ask my exp to pay anything extra than the maintance which we agreed between us as the csa was an estorshinate amount and I knew that he couldn't have afforded it properly. The way I see it he pays me my money monthly and that covers costs for my DD, (not many of them though). When he sees her he does take her shopping for clothes etc but if I have ever asked him to buy anything like uniform or school shoes I have always deducted that money out of the maintenance for that month. I think you should tell her were to go. Legally aswell you do not have to pay towards anything else other than the maintenance as this is to cover everything like that. Sorry it is a bit longwinded .
HTH
K

Caligula · 05/11/2004 16:28

May I just point out here that maintenance levels as set by the CSA are so low as to be laughable, so paying £40 more is probably not paying "over the odds", as you put it, Bonkerz, it's just paying a more realistic amount than the CSA says is necessary. Anyone who is only paying what the CSA says they should, is probably getting off lightly. Having the child for half the holidays, every weekend and providing clothes, food etc for her is no more than what a father should do, imo, and doesn't deserve special praise.

Sorry, I'm probably sounding harsh too, must be because it's Friday afternoon. FWIW, I actually do agree with you on this issue and think your dp's x is being unreasonable about the christening - there's no reason at all why should pay for it, it's something she wants and your DH doesn't agree with, she should pay the cost.

aloha · 05/11/2004 16:34

I don't think Bonkerz is asking for special praise. I also suspect that if they have the child live with them every weekend, plus half the holidays plus pay support and buy clothes and shoes etc then they are paying for the vast majority of the child's needs, not some pitiful contribution. For some people £40 is nothing, for others it is a lot.

edam · 05/11/2004 16:50

Can I make a general point, leaving Bonkerz' own situation out of it?

Isn't it strange that some divorced couples complain because they don't see the children every weekend, while others complain because they do have to have the children every weekend? (This isn't a dig at Bonkerz, she wasn't complaining as such, just making a point about how each parent contributes to her step-dd).

Are there any happily divorced couples out there, who share the childcare and finances amicably?

On a hopeful note for anyone who does have a strained relationship with their ex, my mother and father had a very bitter divorce but are now going on holiday together (well, three daughters and assorted boyfriends/husbands/babies to hold the ring, but our parents will both be there). However, it has taken 25 years to get this far...

Caligula · 05/11/2004 17:09

I think without knowing massive detail about both Bonkerz and her DH's x's financial circumstances, it's just too difficult to judge whose paying for the majority. It would be very unusual for a non-resident parent to be bearing the majority of expenses though, when you take into account indirect costs like housing, loss of earning power etc.

Edam, I and my xp have a fairly amicable arrangement, in that I pay everything and he's just disappeared! Could be worse (seriously, it could be a lot worse!)

I must admit, I can't imagine ever getting to a stage of going on holiday with him - I'd have to pay his share!

aloha · 05/11/2004 17:11

Er, just wanted to point out that you also have to house a child if they live with you at weekends. You can't keep them in a cupboard.

secur · 05/11/2004 17:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster
bonkerz · 05/11/2004 20:49

thanks aloha, my point is that for example over the summer holidays we had sdd for 3 weeks in a row and STill paid the child maintenance and didnt get dd child benefit so exp was actually better off than us then. it happens alot that we have sdd and still pay the money and get nothinbg to help feed her etc!!!!! So in effect sometimes we are paying twice for dd.

Do not want special praise for what we do am just pointing out that exp gets quite a good deal really (she chose to leave when she had affair!) DH and I would love for dd to live with us full time but thats another story!

OP posts:
edam · 05/11/2004 21:48

Bonkerz, hope you manage to have a nice time at the baptism, despite everything. You sound like a great step-mum, by the way.

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