My ex hasn’t invited me to his wedding, do I have a right to be hurt?

[Rebeccajf]

I know this might sounds crazy to most people out there but I just need other peoples advice on this!
My ex and I split up almost four years ago, he was cheating and left me for another woman. I was distraught and it took nearly a year but I’m now safely over him. No romantic feelings at all.
Looking back out relationship was quite unhealthy and probably should have ended sooner (together ten years) anyway he’s had many girlfriends/ sexual partners over the last few years and I’ve always been fine with them all.
He met his most recent woman just before Xmas, they are already buying a house together and planning their lives, I’m happy for him although I know him well and think it’s very quick but he says he’s happy so I keep quiet.
Now, since we split up we have become incredibly close as friends. We have children together so we see each other a lot for that but although I have best friends already, I do consider him a close friend. We talk constantly, go on days out with the children, even without them. We have supported each other financially when each other of us have needed help. He always tells me and his family/ friends that I’m his best friend and we even go away and stay at his family’s home together (his parents live near the seaside). He came to me last week and said he’s going to propose to his new girlfriend, I think it’s too quick but didn’t tell him that. I said I’d support him whatever he chooses to do. Today he came over to tell our children he is going to get married and they were talking about the wedding/ seating plan and my oldest said ‘but where does mum sit’ and he replied ‘I’d imagine at home’
I have to admit this really cut me up, not much normally does but this really quite hurts me. We are so close there’s nothing we don’t know about each other and he’s open about his closeness to me so I guess I’m hurt that he wouldn’t invite me to his wedding. Even just the evening but nothing. Apparently it’s just my job to make sure the kids get there on time and picked up in the evening.
I know this must sound mad but our relationship is history I don’t consider him an ex I just consider him a friend, guess I just wonder other people opinions on this?
Thanks

I am obviously in the minority because I think both being friends with exes and having them at your wedding is fine - two of mine came to my wedding, and one of DH's! But realistically the odds of this wedding to this woman he's been going out with for five months and who hasn't met his children going ahead is so low that I wouldn't waste any headspace on it except a private eye roll.

OP are you sure he isn’t just out to fleece you for some money? And the story of the (planned) proposal and the venue is just window dressing to make it believable?

Spending time together with your ill daughter is very different to you two having nights away without the kids.

@bonfireheart

YABU. And hopefully you realise these day trips and nights at his parents place will have to stop.

This your 'friendship' with him sounds like an emotional relationship to me. You can't continue the fake family days out and the closeness you both had. It's totally disrespectful to his new relationship. Unless you fully expect to invite and embrace her into the mix. Also his family too, they will soon be her family so respect the boundaries. I have a friend who absolutely doesn't respect the boundaries and she often plays well I'm the mother of the grandchildren card. There will be a time when she can't play that card anymore.

You said the split was hard and you were really broken up about it. That too would ring alarm bells. You rely on him too much and for your own mental health you need to break free.

Finally the wedding. I don't think there will be many people agreeing with you here. Your friendship is unhealthy with him and you have no link to the bride. Don't go and make a scene outside the church give them breathing space.

I've been told my finances ex's parents and ex are likely to turn up to the church during my wedding this summer, she also planned a hen do for the day of my wedding at my venue. She is an absolute psycho.

This is all kinds of screwed up. It's good that you can both act as adults for the sake of the kids, but considering yourself as best friends and discussing aspects of his new life and expecting to be at his wedding - if it happens - is bonkers.

Move away from the fantasy, remember that little detail of him cheating on you, and make your own life. Care less about him, he's history.

@Imnotbent

I love his answer to where will you sit .. I assume at home.

You are so not over him.

🔥

To be fair, a comment like that would proper sting if you’d just been mugged for well over a grand for the engagement ring.

When I saw the heading of this I thought it was a joke. You certainly don’t appear to have considered the bride. If you are a real friend you wouldn’t even consider it. His new wife should be his first consideration and you need to space yourself away from their new marriage.

@SaturdayRocks yes you're right I didn't think of that.

I remember a friend saying she'd couldn't wait for her ex to get married, then she'd go to the wedding, dance away and have the best time ever celebrating that that didn't have to deal with his toxic behaviour any more!

I find it quite surprising how many people think having your ex, with whom you share kids and co-parent with and get on civilly with, at your wedding would be such a big deal. When I remarried, I not only had my ex but his mum and brother too - I like them all and it was nice for my daughter to have all her family there. That relationship is very much over and we've all moved on now. The day was all about me and my new husband, it was a really wonderful day! But seems we are very much in the minority on MN.

I was actually agreeing with you @Imnotbent!

@chestnutmares - have you RTFT? The OP had a name-change, by the way.

@SaturdayRocks Hello - no, not read the whole thread, just lots at the beginning. Sounds like I might have missed some crucial updates? Cheers.

@chestnutmares Have you RTFT where OP helped pick out and pay for the ring and has visited the wedding venue before her ex has even proposed? They go on days out without the kids and even go on holiday to his parents together.

Haven't RTFT. Being friends with your ex (especially with DC) is obviously a good thing, however, being 'friends' the way you are with your ex, is very very different.

I, as the new wife/partner, would be very unhappy at such a deep level of friendship you appear to have with him, quite unhealthy I'd go so far as to say.

I don't think there's a problem with an ex being at a wedding (personally I wouldn't like it) if all parties were happy.

Well this is all sorts of complicated and bizarre.

To those saying its the new GF who isn't letting her come to the wedding...he hasn't even proposed yet!! Imagine finding out your BF has been off looking at wedding venues with his ex.

I would try not to be upset. I would not dream of going to my ex’s wedding. This is their day, not yours.

@EarringsandLipstick

I don't quite think YABU. I do think the boundaries are very blurred here & I'm not sure how much I buy the 'close friends' situation.

Your ex treated you very badly. Cheating on someone is appalling behaviour. I'm not saying you've to hate him forever but forgiving & keeping him at an emotional distance sounds a lot more normal than become confidantes, spending time together without the kids & knowing the intimate details of his love life.

You mention all his love interests but what about your relationships? Have you moved on?

I don't think you should go to the wedding but also - have you considered what life will be like after? You'll surely not be going to the family home together still?

I think you can co-parent amicably & broadly get on. But for your sake you need better boundaries & keep this man & his emotional affairs at a distance.

I agree with everything here. There is potential for you to get very hurt here.

If this is real then no, you aren't one bit over him. You are kidding yourself. I don't think you'll realise though til he steps back from the relationship. Probably not this time around though, I imagine this woman is going to realise what she's gotten herself in to and run a mile. I can't believe you are supporting him to the point you've paid for the ring, knowing he hasn't even disclosed his vasectomy to her. What a bizarre situation all round!

I think you aren’t quite as over him as you like to think

OP, if this is real then I don’t think the new girlfriend is. Have you seen her?

If this is real why aren’t you telling your good friend that he can’t ask someone to marry him without telling her about his vasectomy?

It’s a bit off.

"Looking back out relationship was quite unhealthy ..."

And it still is.

My DP’s ex would probably feel like she should be invited if we got married - especially if their DCs were to play a significant part in the ceremony, she’d see it as their day more than mine! So for that reason, there’s no way I’d invite her!!

I get on well with my ex and neither DP nor myself would have an issue with him being invited, but I would find it odd to stand up and say the same words to my DP that I said to XH many years ago about marriage being forever

I think it's actually a bit strange that you're such close friends when you have children together and he is getting married again. I don't think it's appropriate for you to go to the wedding and seemingly he agrees.