My ex hasn’t invited me to his wedding, do I have a right to be hurt?

[Rebeccajf]

I know this might sounds crazy to most people out there but I just need other peoples advice on this!
My ex and I split up almost four years ago, he was cheating and left me for another woman. I was distraught and it took nearly a year but I’m now safely over him. No romantic feelings at all.
Looking back out relationship was quite unhealthy and probably should have ended sooner (together ten years) anyway he’s had many girlfriends/ sexual partners over the last few years and I’ve always been fine with them all.
He met his most recent woman just before Xmas, they are already buying a house together and planning their lives, I’m happy for him although I know him well and think it’s very quick but he says he’s happy so I keep quiet.
Now, since we split up we have become incredibly close as friends. We have children together so we see each other a lot for that but although I have best friends already, I do consider him a close friend. We talk constantly, go on days out with the children, even without them. We have supported each other financially when each other of us have needed help. He always tells me and his family/ friends that I’m his best friend and we even go away and stay at his family’s home together (his parents live near the seaside). He came to me last week and said he’s going to propose to his new girlfriend, I think it’s too quick but didn’t tell him that. I said I’d support him whatever he chooses to do. Today he came over to tell our children he is going to get married and they were talking about the wedding/ seating plan and my oldest said ‘but where does mum sit’ and he replied ‘I’d imagine at home’
I have to admit this really cut me up, not much normally does but this really quite hurts me. We are so close there’s nothing we don’t know about each other and he’s open about his closeness to me so I guess I’m hurt that he wouldn’t invite me to his wedding. Even just the evening but nothing. Apparently it’s just my job to make sure the kids get there on time and picked up in the evening.
I know this must sound mad but our relationship is history I don’t consider him an ex I just consider him a friend, guess I just wonder other people opinions on this?
Thanks

How did the fact that he's kept quiet about the vasectomy come up in conversation, op?! Did you ask? Why?

I went to an ex’s wedding and he came to mine, but it was never a serious relationship. I think if you’ve been married or got children and you know the relatives who would be at the wedding it’s probably better that you step back a bit and let the new wife have her day.

When I married for the second time the vicar, with two remarried parents of his own, suggested it's the polite thing to invite an ex who is parent of children AND it is the polite thing for the ex not to go.

Works for me. It's a boundary too far. Even when you're close.

He’s always included me in his personal life/ relationships, he shares more with me than I so with him, like the other day he asked me to go with him to pick out the ring and I ended up lending him the extra £1200 he needed to buy the one he liked and this afternoon he took me to the venue he wants to use. I admit this is a bit odd as I wouldn’t let my fiancé choose my venue but this is the level of involvement he’s always had me have in his life.

You're helping to pick out the ring (and paying for it). You're seeing the venue. It's far too much.

I changed my name to something that was hopefully a little more subtle than Rebeccajf to avoid my friends, who use this app from potentially seeing it was me as we have not made it common knowledge about our daughters terminal diagnosis yet. But go off about a poxy username...

It just makes it harder for people to follow as using the same name means posts are highlighted and people can choose to see only your posts.

@JaneR091

I changed my name to something that was hopefully a little more subtle than Rebeccajf to avoid my friends, who use this app from potentially seeing it was me as we have not made it common knowledge about our daughters terminal diagnosis yet. But go off about a poxy username...

The OP's posts are highlighted so when you name change mid thread it makes it harder to follow Also lots of people name change for a single thread for privacy reasons and accidentally change back mid thread so being alerted to a name change fail is considered a favour

To the point - I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. It's totally understandable that you spend time together with her. It's not understandable that you spend time together without her and lend him money to buy an engagement ring and choose his wedding venue with him before he's even proposed.

@JaneR091

Just want to add a few things on to my original post (at least I hope this is how you do it I’ve never posted before) In reply to a few of the comments I’ve seen, I’m aware it’s only been a few months and I haven’t met her and she hasn’t met the kids yet, we have always had an agreement that the kids won’t be introduced to new partners until a year has passed to ensure its serious. He can’t have any future children with her as he had a vasectomy, something she doesn’t yet know He’s always included me in his personal life/ relationships, he shares more with me than I so with him, like the other day he asked me to go with him to pick out the ring and I ended up lending him the extra £1200 he needed to buy the one he liked and this afternoon he took me to the venue he wants to use. I admit this is a bit odd as I wouldn’t let my fiancé choose my venue but this is the level of involvement he’s always had me have in his life. As for the days out/ that won’t ever change, we have a child with a life limiting condition so we spend one day a week at least together, this will likely change after she’s passed but for now it will not and is something both our partners are aware of And are fine with. I have an amazing relationship with his parents and with or without him I still spend time/ weekends with his family and don’t see that changing. Also to be clear, I’m not asking to go and understand she probably wouldn’t want me there it was just his sharp dismissive comment that hurt a little as I would have invited him to mine as all our friends know we are good friends there’s no awkwardness. We regularly used to go out with my fiancé and his previous partner and friends and he is a good friend of both of us but I think I will let it be if they don’t want me there I do understand it. I was just curious is anyone else had been in a similar position. I don’t expect to be there it was just the sharpness in his comment that nipped at me.

What kind of father marries a woman who hasn’t met his children?

Why would any parent want to marry someone when they don’t know how they are round their kids?

Not to mention taking you ring shopping with him is utterly bizarre.

How long have you been with your new partner?

You sound over invested in him OP. I doubt he feels the same way about this friendship.

I can't think of anything more awkward than my new husbands ex being at my wedding. yabvu !

You go away on day trips and holidays with him, without your shared kids.

That will have to stop once he’s married.

He’s probably getting you used to life without him by not inviting you to his wedding.

I think you need to take a massive step back here. Spending time with him and your kids, especially with your child's illness, I can understand. But not the two of you spending time alone together. If I was the new wife I don't think I'd like that.

Mates MIL and FIL divorced many years ago and she's remarried . Get on like a house on fire all 3 of them been on holiday together . They walk in and out of each others houses .
They say there best friend just not compatible with marriage it can be done.

You wouldn’t be at my wedding if I was marrying him. Regardless of how it is.

Sounds mean but just saying the truth.

Say what now??? You gave him money towards his engagement ring? God if I was the woman being proposed to I would really be wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.

OP sorry I should say to be clear, you sound lovely. But I think your Ex sounds like bad news. So so many red flags here I think the new girlfriend is making a huge mistake marrying him. (Or at least marrying him so soon.)

Lol. This is a joke right? He has had a vasectomy he hasn’t mentioned, she hasn’t met the kids, but the ex-wife is paying for the ring and choosing the venue before the proposal? Bahahaha. It’s almost plausible, but as a mother with a child with a terminal illness, I don’t think that my biggest issue would be the lack of an invitation to her dad’s wedding, particularly when the bride hadn’t even met her due to an agreement about not meeting until it was serious.
So.
You fully support the wedding to the extent of generously handing over wads of cash, but you won’t let the bride meet the kids she will be stepmother to, because it isn’t serious.

Mmhmm.

@tyranny

Lol. This is a joke right? He has had a vasectomy he hasn’t mentioned, she hasn’t met the kids, but the ex-wife is paying for the ring and choosing the venue before the proposal? Bahahaha. It’s almost plausible, but as a mother with a child with a terminal illness, I don’t think that my biggest issue would be the lack of an invitation to her dad’s wedding, particularly when the bride hadn’t even met her due to an agreement about not meeting until it was serious. So. You fully support the wedding to the extent of generously handing over wads of cash, but you won’t let the bride meet the kids she will be stepmother to, because it isn’t serious. Mmhmm.

When you put it like that... 🤣🤣🤣

So.. not over him at all

I wouldn't marry somebody who asked their ex to the wedding. It would be the spectre at the feast. No thanks.

@BackforGood

Woah !

Name change fail, so people might not spot your post under your other name, BUT

Some major stuff being dropped onto the thread there.

In fact..... odd you've name changed if you've never posted before

This whole scenario gets increasingly more odd with every post.

The OP was weird enough, but with the namechange fail update the situation sounds utterly bizarre. I'd think twice if I were the bride to be in this scenario!

As ever, Mumsnet is a window into another world.

What a massively dysfunctional dynamic.

I don’t even know where to start. So, let’s begin here, I guess: you’ve an agreement that you don’t introduce new partners to your kids until the relationship is a year old. So your ex and his new wife will be married, but (much) less than a year will have passed, so she won’t pass the threshold for meeting. I mean, surely this tells you both something ....

If the new wife was posting on here, we’d all be telling her to run. Run like the wind and never look back. Getting mixed up in this frankly unbelievable dynamic is the biggest mistake she could make.

You write as if you and ex have some sort of amazing, desirable even, friendship - that has endured him cheating on you and other partners coming and going.

But in actual fact, it comes across as a car crash.

You aren't as over him as you claim

Oh my Christ! If my husband’s ex had been invited I think the wedding would have been off!

The way you speak of your exes new wife is disrespectful and arrogant. Why would she want you there, it’s her wedding too!

You need to stop making his wedding about you. It’s not. It’s about them. It is their day. Not yours. They don’t want an ex hanging round.