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My ex hasn’t invited me to his wedding, do I have a right to be hurt?

157 replies

Rebeccajf · 24/04/2021 17:11

I know this might sounds crazy to most people out there but I just need other peoples advice on this!
My ex and I split up almost four years ago, he was cheating and left me for another woman. I was distraught and it took nearly a year but I’m now safely over him. No romantic feelings at all.
Looking back out relationship was quite unhealthy and probably should have ended sooner (together ten years) anyway he’s had many girlfriends/ sexual partners over the last few years and I’ve always been fine with them all.
He met his most recent woman just before Xmas, they are already buying a house together and planning their lives, I’m happy for him although I know him well and think it’s very quick but he says he’s happy so I keep quiet.
Now, since we split up we have become incredibly close as friends. We have children together so we see each other a lot for that but although I have best friends already, I do consider him a close friend. We talk constantly, go on days out with the children, even without them. We have supported each other financially when each other of us have needed help. He always tells me and his family/ friends that I’m his best friend and we even go away and stay at his family’s home together (his parents live near the seaside). He came to me last week and said he’s going to propose to his new girlfriend, I think it’s too quick but didn’t tell him that. I said I’d support him whatever he chooses to do. Today he came over to tell our children he is going to get married and they were talking about the wedding/ seating plan and my oldest said ‘but where does mum sit’ and he replied ‘I’d imagine at home’
I have to admit this really cut me up, not much normally does but this really quite hurts me. We are so close there’s nothing we don’t know about each other and he’s open about his closeness to me so I guess I’m hurt that he wouldn’t invite me to his wedding. Even just the evening but nothing. Apparently it’s just my job to make sure the kids get there on time and picked up in the evening.
I know this must sound mad but our relationship is history I don’t consider him an ex I just consider him a friend, guess I just wonder other people opinions on this?
Thanks

OP posts:
JustLyra · 24/04/2021 17:50

Unless you are also close friends with his partner then obviously you’re not going to be invited. You are his ex.

Luzina · 24/04/2021 17:52

My ex and her partner came to my wedding. But my DH was totally in agreement that we should invite them. If he hadn’t been, we wouldn’t have invited them. I understand why you’re offended but you need to let it go

Howyoudoingirl · 24/04/2021 17:53

No you shouldn't be invited. Its time for your relationship with him to move to a new phase. Time to stop seeing him as a best friend and start seeing him as a good co parent. I think in respect if his soon to be new wife, you should pull back from everything with him that isn't to do with your children.

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greatauntfanny · 24/04/2021 17:53

“We talk constantly, go on days out with the children, even without them”

Crikey. Yeah, OP, don’t go to the wedding.

Tlollj · 24/04/2021 17:54

I never understand being friends with an ex so I’m probably biased, but I think it’s the bride that doesn’t want you there.
No more days out or sleepovers too I shouldn’t wonder.

JustLyra · 24/04/2021 17:56

Have you met his partner? You sure he’s not just trying to make you jealous?

RavingAnnie · 24/04/2021 18:10

I always find it very weird the whole "I wouldn't have my DPs ex at my wedding" etc etc Why not? Unless you don't trust your partner or aren't really sure all feelings for the ex have gone, in which case, why are you marrying them?

One of my husband's exes was at our wedding. She is lovely and they were still close friends at the time (they've drifted away a bit now). Also someone was there he'd had a snog with a number of years back :-) I don't care at all and why would he, that's in the past, he doesn't have those feelings now.

I also had my son's dad's (not who I was marrying lol) parents there, as they are also lovely and they were excited to see my son doing his bit on the day. I probably would have had his dad there too, had things not become a bit strained due to his crazy new partner. We generally get on well though and had that not happened, he may have an invite. If we were as close as you are with your ex then I would have been hurt not to receive an invite. I'd prepare yourself to be pushed out/distanced tbh.

Diverseopinions · 24/04/2021 18:14

It's makes it harder because of the way your ex has gone about things.

He hasn't known his partner very long at all, especially in view of lockdown, but is planning a wedding and buying a house. She will quite probably have heard the story of how he split from you because he was cheating. He was with the other woman, but then that split up. Because she doesn't know him well enough to make sense of all this and his rationale towards life, there is quite a possibility that his new wife will be rather jealous, and given his history of unfaithfulness, and love of romance, that jealousy will be intensified. She might be jealous of you, because you have been on days out, etc., with him, and she might - as you say, wrongly - think that there is more between you. You have a bond with him, because you share kids; she doesn't yet have kids with him, so that might make her jealous. Friendship can arouse jealousy more than the fear that a partner fancies another woman. You might be the only woman who has stayed in his life and held his regard for the longest. She must be very keen on him to be settling down with him after so short a time and knowing about his eye for the ladies.

I would imagine that you are doing what you can to make things nice and pleasant for your shared children. I wish that he had given it more time with this new partner, before formalising their relationship with a wedding, so she could get to know you and realise you are not a threat, and so that she can get to know this side of his life and his children. It will be easier with giving the kids great times, if you can all get along. I think it would be good to talk to him now and to express some of your feelings and ask him what he thinks she will accept as a tolerable measure of your friendship. Some people seem easygoing, but change once they are married, and she might be like that. I would express any misgivings you have, but in terms of his contact with his kids and keeping this regular.- which is the thing which matters.

As you have got on with your ex, chatted and met regularly, access arrangements for the kids may have been informal, to date. It may be good to firm these up to set days, because his new wife will want to have the major say in what he does with his time, and it would be ideal if the marriage would start with them understanding that certain days are his time for the kids.

The main thing is the happiness of the children, so be prepared to pull back in order to lessen any suspicions and just work to make his contact with the kids easy and frequent.

DeciduousPerennial · 24/04/2021 18:15

Why on Earth would you think it would be appropriate for you to go?!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/04/2021 18:19

Nooooo! God no!

If I was a guest at a wedding and one of the couple's ex partners was there, I would be assuming that they were either so abusive and controlling that one half of the couple was too afraid to say no, or that the couple felt so sorry for the ex that they had sent a pity invite, not expecting it to be taken up.

Not to mention how confusing it would be for the DC. They need to understand that mum and dad are no longer together and that daddy now is married to someone else.

This would be an excellent appropriate time to stop the "family" days out. You are no longer a family. Everyone needs to move on. Separately.

marchez · 24/04/2021 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Footloosefancyfree · 24/04/2021 18:20

I would imagine op if you didn't have kids you would have never spoken to each other again. The fact is you have kids with is why your in contact. I do think the days out especially just you is blurring the boundaries especially if he has form for cheating and this is a new fast relationship. I'm wondering if you waiting for it to all fall apart and he will come back to you.

JaquelineBeanstalk · 24/04/2021 18:22

Exes don't usually come along to weddings. YABU

Twoobles · 24/04/2021 18:27

You love him.

EL8888 · 24/04/2021 18:28

YABU. I’m confused about why you want to go and l doubt your ex’s fiancée would want you there. I’m engaged and neither of us are having ex’s at our wedding

ThereWasThisBoy · 24/04/2021 18:40

I think your relationship with him is a bit strange. I think you think see yourself as in some way superior to all the girlfriends he has had including this one. It’s like you are judging from afar whilst getting some sort of satisfaction from thinking you know him best and know what is best for him and are somehow still the number 1 woman in his life. I think you’re kidding yourself about not having feelings for him. He’s absolutely making the right decision by not inviting you.

MeanderingGently · 24/04/2021 18:41

I understand completely. I divorced years ago, our children are now adults, we remained friends and would even join up for events from time to time, such as Christmas etc. Sometimes I would go over and stay to look after the house when my ex was away.

If I were to remarry - entirely unlikely - I would certainly invite my ex and be happy to have him and his partner at the wedding and reception.

However, he eventually remarried a couple of years ago, a much younger woman. I wasn't invited and was quite sad about it, I have never met the new wife although both my children have and my daughter has a good relationship with her. I specifically asked about boundaries...eg. no visits without being arranged beforehand (I have never visited since the marriage anyway) no more Christmas and birthday presents although cards are OK. I stick to the agreement but find it very sad, I would have liked to get to know them as a couple. I still send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing in return although I do get a curt text on my birthday.

We were married for 21 years and are now in our 60s so we're not young any longer; being older and wiser I think we should be mature enough to have a proper 'ex' relationship....we shared a lot together including the early days, including supporting my ex's profession and those years don't suddenly disappear. But obviously others think differently....

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/04/2021 18:46

I think we should be mature enough to have a proper 'ex' relationship
Surely there's no such thing once the children are adults?

TheUndoingProject · 24/04/2021 18:48

I think the problem is that your relationship with your ex is too close.

toiletbrushholder · 24/04/2021 18:49

I think he probably views your relationship differently to you. Sure he feels it's great that you're in such good terms, makes his life very easy. I don't think he sees you as one of his close friends. He is compartmentalising as a lot of men do. You need to reevaluate your relationship going forward and put a bit of distance between the two of you. He's getting married, I can't imagine his new wife will want you to be hanging out much in the future.

Happycat1212 · 24/04/2021 18:52

My partners ex would not be coming to our wedding! 🤣 Come on!

Susie477 · 24/04/2021 18:54

YANBU to be upset, but it’s pretty obvious what’s happening here. The new wife sees you as a rival and has vetoed you from her wedding. Ask yourself honestly if you would do the same in her position.

flatsurfandmil · 24/04/2021 18:55

No way would I go to my ex's wedding! Can you imagine "how do you know the couple" "oh I was married to the groom for 10 yrs" 🤣🤣

No fffing way!

Happycat1212 · 24/04/2021 18:56

It’s the same way I wouldn’t invited any of my exes to my wedding either but I’ve never been one to stay friends with exes.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 24/04/2021 19:00

I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be there. I imagine his future wife won’t want you there. His children will always be a part of his life, his present and his future but you are an ex, it’s a completely different relationship even if you are good friends.

Have you considered whether the ‘real’ reason you feel hurt is because you feel you’re being replaced? You have a close relationship and are very involved in each other’s lives. This is the first time he’s met someone and wants to marry them. Things are changing. Your relationship will most likely change a lot, contact will reduce and become less friends and more contact as needed regarding your children.