Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

I wish all the family combined in my children's lives would do even half as much as your parents are doing for you. You sound really entitled and ungrateful. Maybe time for you to move on? Your mum has already raised her own children, and doesn't need criticising for how she is doing now.

It's lovely that your mum spends quality time with her- and playing with little kids is boring

To be fair, the gran doesn't look after her for 3 days- she collects her from nursery and does a few hours till the OP comes home and the OP says it is mainly her father who does the hands-on looking after.

And surely at 5 she ought to be in school full time soon anyway?

I don't think it's right to assume someone in their 60s 'didn't play with their own children' - that made me laugh as I'm close to that age and can assure you 'play' was part of child raising all those years ago!

@Heidi3333

Is it something deeper here- does your mum resent you being a single parent and using donor sperm? This is certainly something her/ our generation rarely encountered. My guess is she may not be happy about something fundamental like this and feels if you chose to 'go it alone' then you need to step up and not expect them to be at your beck and call.

I don’t ever remember playing with my grandmother but I loved being at her house. It was a peaceful little haven for me and I just loved being with her. But I don’t remember actually ever playing games with her.

Your mums relationship with your daughter will also change over time. I can't remember my Nan ever playing with me, but I adored her and she just included me in her life through things like baking, or I played on my own but near her

@MillyMollyMandyish

To be fair, the gran doesn't look after her for 3 days- she collects her from nursery and does a few hours till the OP comes home and the OP says it is mainly her father who does the hands-on looking after.

And surely at 5 she ought to be in school full time soon anyway?

I don't think it's right to assume someone in their 60s 'didn't play with their own children' - that made me laugh as I'm close to that age and can assure you 'play' was part of child raising all those years ago!

@Heidi3333

Is it something deeper here- does your mum resent you being a single parent and using donor sperm? This is certainly something her/ our generation rarely encountered. My guess is she may not be happy about something fundamental like this and feels if you chose to 'go it alone' then you need to step up and not expect them to be at your beck and call.

Please do not suggest this to OP. It's a disgusting proposition.

You are very unreasonable imo

If you want kids, and that’s your tight, you cannot expect your parents to be part of the set-up

They are providing you with a roof over your head, food, bills and help with childcare

I cannot quite believe you then pick a fight with your mum for not doing enough. What. The. Heck.

You need to grow up and learn to be independent and give your parents a bit of space

To me, you come across as very self centred abd entitled

@Heidi3333

Thanks for the replies. I have apologised to my mum. It just touched a nerve this morning. Tbh it's my dad that doesn't most of the child care, not my mum and I frequently get the feeling from her that she just can't be bothered and isn't interested. I was upset for my daughter this morning and thinking about her feelings.

I guess I can't always be bothered playing with my daughter but make an effort anyway for her sake and I guess I couldn't see why my mum couldn't do the same for 10 minutes! But a lot of you have raised a valid point - it is not harmful for my daughter to play on her own and in fact it's healthy for her to do so

Exactly right. Your DD needs to learn that not all adults are her playmates

@Heidi3333

And to those to say I'm living with my lap rents so I can adopt a child... absolute nonsense! They don't have a spare room so why would. I do that? 🤣.

I wanted to help my brother out. He has children he sees every second weekend so needed more space than my parents house could provide. That's all. No ulterior motives. I don't get extra child care living with my parents. They provided the same amount when I lived in my own flat - it's only 5 minutes away.

No need to trail through my old posts to investigate!

This convoluted story is getting more incredible by the second. So you work 3 days a weeks but are rich enough to have a flat on a mortgage that you let your brother have for free (and you also pay his Council tax); and you also paid out a huge amount of money for IVF to have a second child who would have been in that flat that is too small for a second child if you adopted one, the one that your brother is living rent free in anyway. So you think your "selfish" mother and your dad should continue to support you into their 70's, and do the childcare - presumably adding one more when you can get around to arranging it. There is no father on the scene by your choice, so no child support.

How on earth are you affording this fabulous lifestyle on three days a week of a nurses wages? Or are your parents providing a lot more than a roof, free living and childcare?

Oh OP there is nothing...NOTHING more mind-numbing than partaking in the games of small children. I should know I’ve got three of my one and would be the first to admit that playing is not my strong point, largely because I really don’t enjoy it.
I won’t be a playing granny. Board games, Lego, dollies, card games, role playing....all of it, NO.
Activities, trips out, reading stories...send them my way.

Yabu. What the fuck adult wants to play with Lego at breakfast? Come on now. Your mum does tons.

Sorry but another person who thinks you are being unreasonable. You are right to recognise your child needs to be able to self play. She will learn valuable independent thinking and resilience skills. I bet your mum is wishing she had done the same with her kids.

Ah just seen your other posts.

Your parents are early 70s.

How on earth would you manage with another child either through donor sperm or adoption?

You say you would buy a 3-bed home sometime in the future but currently can't afford to rent 3-beds for the purpose of adoption.

Is this all about YOU or do you actually care about the children you will be bringing into the world / your life?

*three of my own, sorry

This is extraordinary! I had to double check if not read your age wrong - you’re 44, not some young ingenue just starting out 😂. Sort yourself out OP. I’m 4 years older than you - I can’t imagine scrounging off my DPs like you . Your child, you play with her!

@Moondust001 👏

What on earth do you plan to do if you conceive another child? Do you expect your dp to provide childcare for a baby and do school runs and still live rent free. If your 45 they must be 60-70s that's completely unfair and unreasonable because you decided to have a child without a partner. What happened to their retirement? Your a massive CF.

You are being very unreasonable. Some people hate playing. I do. Doesn't mean I don't love my child. It's not like she's blanking her completely. And why should she play with her, why can't you? You're the parent.

You are being very unreasonable. Why on earth should your Mum play lego for goodness sake? As PP observe playing with young children on that level is utterly tedious to most adults ( otherwise we would still all be doing it long after we have grown up!) No one, not even your Mother should be beholden to play with your child. It seems she does more than enough for you already. Your daughter has a different relationship with your Dad and that's good. The thought of anyone trying to oblige some one of your Mum's age to play with a child after she has bought her own children up is very strange. You owe her thanks and an apology.

@Heidi3333 - sorry, but it’s just ridiculous to project feelings like that onto your dd. I don’t remember my grandmother ever “playing” with me. She took me for walks, taught me how to sew clothes and cook, but never “played” with me. A child doesn’t actually need 100% of the relatives they ask to “play” with them to know they are loved. Clearly your dm does spend time with your dd and involves her in activities, just not ones you count as play. It doesn’t mean she resents every minute she spends with your dd and doesn’t love her, just because she finds playing with lego phenomenally dull and knows somebody else will be more willing to do that.

Well I'm glad you apologised. I used to spend a lot of time with my grandparents when I was a kid. I don't remember my Grandma ever playing with me, though my Grandpa did. But my Grandparents provided/owned a lot of stuff that I entertained myself with, and I used to help my grandma cook etc. They were very happy times.

If your DD asks you, I think that what a pp said is totally right:
You should be using this as an opportunity to reinforce the positive (e.g. I know granny isn't that fond of playing with lego, but she loves it when you help her walk the dog)

OP didn't apologise.

She effectively said sorry but it's my dad who does most of it anyway and I didn't think ten minutes was a big deal but sorry.

That's not an apology, and she is not recognising any of this.

Butwasitherdriveway are you reading the same thread? Have you read ops previous thread she's taking advantage of her dps not the other way round 🙈

@RosesAndHellebores

You live with your parents who provide childcare after school when you are at work. They also take your dd out and presumably give you some breaks.

I think you need to apologise unreservedly to your mother. I also hope you do half the housework and meal prep and contribute financially.

Yeah, sorry, I agree with this

@Footloosefancyfree

Butwasitherdriveway are you reading the same thread? Have you read ops previous thread she's taking advantage of her dps not the other way round 🙈

I know she is. What have I said that hasn't made that crystal clear?

I think you're being a bit U, but I say that gently.

Some people are just no good at the playing part, it doesn't mean she loves her any less.

My DM loves playing with my children, DP's mum isn't interested in those things at all.

It sounds like your mum is very supportive in general.