Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

Also there isn't one type of 'normal' for babies. They are individuals and what works for one person's baby won't necessarily work for yours. Some sleep more than others. So ignore anyone saying it's not normal!

As other posters have said I believe sleep can be all over the place up to 3/4 months, and even then is totally dependant on the baby!

My DD is 6 months and she has only just started napping more regularly despite my despairing over a sleep pattern. She would only nap on me and only for bang on 30 mins. We've managed to use the Pick Up Put Down method now she's a bit older and that can still be hit and miss depending on things like the previous nights sleep, her teething, weaning etc! It can feel like a nightmare at times and it can be so bloody frustrating so I feel for you. It will pass and then it will change and it may be better and worse at times. You're not an awful person and as long as you're making sure you try to manage your frustration and if you need to, taking yourself out of the room, it will all be fine in the end. You could try a sleep consultant if you can afford one (we couldn't justify the money) or buy sleep books. Honestly , they change so much I've driven myself mad with it!

Also I get your worry about blackout curtains and other sleep aids. We did the same and DD does struggle to nap in lighter conditions and without white noise but tbh I'll take it as when the conditions are right we can get 45 mins out of her as opposed to 30! It is really hard to not feel so angry as you feel so restricted and stuck but I keep telling myself it's not forever and try not to put too much pressure on yourself!!!!

I was very surprised by how little a newborn actually sleeps; or at least how often they're awake! My niece is a similar age to your baby and we often talk to them at 4om and she hasn't slept since 10am. She seems to have not read any of the books about how much sleep she needs! She's perfectly happy and is thriving though. DS had similar phases. Plus at 10 weeks, they're not really newborns anymore and start becoming so much more alert that they don't really want to go to sleep. I think lockdown must make everything so much harder too. Lockdown didn't start until DS was six months so those first few months were basically me fitting him into my routines and actually it was much more convenient not to have a routine or anything because I didn't feel like I had to be home at any particular times. He just slept as and when.

Also deffo agree with what PP said, if it's not happening, try again in 10/15 after a cuppa and a sit down. Sometimes I found myself even angrier after trying something for 30 mins straight as opposed to trying twice for 15 mins and getting it 2nd time of that makes sense

Im sure you do.. maybe don't worry when he naps so much.. maybe its putting pressure on you to get him to sleep. Mine is same age and not in a regular routine yet.. he sleeps at different times during day sometimes for hours and sometimes an odd hour here and there all day.. i have had an unsettled baby in past so i know how hard it can get, but he was an especially windy baby. Take yourself away for few minutes when its hard and breath good luck

It sounds like he sleeps like a normal baby. Some babies nap well, some only have a couple of cat naps all day. All babies are different.
I really would speak to your GP. It sounds like you could have PND or PNA.
Honestly sleep is likely to get worse before it gets better. You might have periods where baby wakes up hourly through the night. So getting help for your reactions is likely to be more beneficial.

Thank you new commenters, I feel a lot clearer minded, I was so low earlier. I’m going to put all this advice into practice tomorrow and hopefully things will seem a bit better.
He’s just got back from my moms and he slept from 2 til just after 4. Which is better than the last few days but still not back to his ‘normal’ self as he will usually do 4, even 5 hours, in his pram after a walk. I guess it’s a phase and not just my failures. And I need to be prepared that we will have many ups and downs with sleep and ‘normal’ will keep changing for him.

@bleachblondemom Were you expecting him to nap for four hours?
Honestly 30 minute naps at this age are much more realistic, any longer is a bonus.

Your DH working is no excuse for him to to at least take baby when he gets home for a bit so you can nap if not chip in overnight.

4 or 5 hours for a nap?! What kind of sorcery is this?! DS never did anything longer than 90 minutes until he was one.

Op, huge sympathies, not having a napper is really tricky. I've only read your responses so sorry if this duplicates another post. My DC also slept really badly (both through the night and for basis) - I looked up the range of normal/needed sleep and worked out if my baby was having that - and he was, though the low end. But it helped my worry that he wasn't getting enough sleep which let me relax more about trying to force it iyswim.

It's so hard. Those days are quite long ago for me now but I still remember the desperation to get them to nap! I had 3 children quite close together and what I realised was that I tried wayyyy too hard to get my first son to sleep. Looking back I think all the bouncing, shushing, patting, white noise etc just wound him up! DD was my last and I couldn't do those things with her because I had 2 toddlers to run around after too. She'd pass out on her playmat, changing mat, bouncer, sometimes in my arms, but I never fought with her to sleep, I just left her to it
You are doing well. It's really tough wrangling a small baby all day

You have my sympathies OP. I think some people are forgetting just how hard and exhausting it is having a 10 week old.
My DD barely slept during the day for the first few months of her life. I had no routine and some days she would only have one 30 minute nap which wasn't enough for anyone.
I would say that at that age, don't be expecting long stretches. As long as they have 30 minutes in one go, then that is good. Anything more is a bonus.
The turning point for me was the huckleberry app as it gave me a routine for my baby and helped loads. We still had rough times getting her to sleep but it meant we had some structure to our day and soon she was in the swing of things and it became much easier.
Sleep training isn't recommended until 6 months and to be honest, when they are that tiny, they just want to be with you all the time.
Another good app to check out is the wonder weeks. It lets you know when your baby is having a developmental leap and what behaviours to expect like fussiness, clingy etc. It helped stop me from going mad when her behaviour would suddenly change out of the blue.
Re the anger - I think a lot of people would by lying if they said they didn't feel frustrated or even angry with their baby at some point. I know I did when I was sleep deprived and dealing with a sleep refusing, reflux and colic baby. But I would say that if these feelings continue, then it is worth speaking to your GP and explaining how you feel.

@1990shopefulftm I didn’t say he didn’t... why are some people so quick to assume the dad is useless just cos the mom is struggling? My DH is an amazing dad.

@mynameiscalypso well that’s what he did in his pram up until last week, I guess it was always destined to come to an end eventually!

I understand the frustration. My daughter was exactly the same and she was the same at night as well as during the day. I used to work myself up stressing about her napping until one day I just thought I’m sick of feeling anxiety about naps and I just let the day run it’s course without trying to force her to sleep.
Surprisingly enough she did nap on her own accord and fell asleep on me totally exhausted in the end.
I know it’s hard but he will be sensing your emotions and feeling anxious himself - they really do pick up on that. I know you are aware of it and that’s really good, but you need to remember this is feeling all-consuming because it is your whole world at the moment. Being a mum to a newborn is hard and everything is magnified.
Just breathe and think - what’s the worst that can happen if he is awake all day? I guarantee he won’t be though, just start tomorrow in the mindset of his naps being totally led by him and see what happens.
Good luck.

My dd was a great sleeper at night but barely slept in the day and it was a big shock (I started an OU degree because babies slept all day and I was going to be bored!) With all the best will in the world OP, your DS hasn't read the books, he doesn't know what he is meant to be doing or how long he is meant to be awake. Follow his cues not what the books are saying. It is hard and you are just getting into being a mum. Honestly if you start talking about this in real life you will be surprised at how suddenly everyone will tell you that they know exactly how you feel and that their kids/they struggled too, no mum wants to be the first to say that sometimes it's a bit shit!

If he sleeps well at night I think you just have to accept he’s a wakeful baby in the day! Take him for a walk, give in 20 mins in the sling whatever. Their sleep needs change so quickly so make sure you adjust your expectations.

At 10 weeks old my baby napped in 30 minute bursts, any longer was an actual miracle!!
She usually napped 4 times a day x30 mins only falling asleep being held with rocking and shushing.
If it took longer than 15mins to get her to sleep I would just stop trying, play or do something else for 10 mins or so and try again. Some days were quite honestly shit but others were not too bad.
The only thing you can do is try your best, nobody is perfect.

@bleachblondemom bless your heart! Firstly...you're a new mum in this awful pandemic but you should be so proud of yourself that you get up & face the music so to speak, every day! I'm a first time mum and my little boy is 10.5 months so we've literally been through it all alone just like you. I didn't want to read and run but hopefully offer some support as I have suffered with PND and PNA which I sought help with from the perinatal team - admitting to yourself & then saying it out loud is quite possibly the strongest most bravest thing you can do - you should be really proud of yourself for that.
Secondly. Napping. Napping has been the absolute killer for me too I feel I've never quite caught a break but again you're in this in such a strange circumstance and everything feels so heightened especially being stuck inside - personally I put too much pressure on myself for napping and routine but it does come into a nice little slot with time. A tip I gave myself was to write down when baby feeds, naps and wakes just so you have a clear idea in your head of how the day will look for you (remember it does go a bit tits up most days 🙈).
At 10 weeks it's really hard to have set nap times but looking back on it now I think having an "idea" of nap time is much easier than fighting the nap. Even to this day my little boy will only nap in his pram or the car and it's for a mere 30 minutes each time. Sometimes I walk for hours and he just won't sleep. In my head I think if he doesn't nap then something disastrous will happen such as difficulty putting him down to sleep at bedtime (I've read so much about being overtired) but from my own personal experience it really doesn't matter - I've learnt this through going back to work and our routine going out the window some days, he missed his nap today but nothing bad happened and he's gone to bed without a fuss.
I know you will know this anyway but...walk away! If it means baby is crying for 10 minutes then so be it. Baby down in safe place, walk away (outside if you can), breathe and go back and try again. If baby doesn't want to go down then (again just from looking back) don't fight it, go with it and try again in an hour or so.
Another thing I'd suggest is stick to your routine where you can instead of changing how you get baby to nap - what works for one baby won't for another and it's so very hard not to compare babies. With the self settling I think that's around 4-6 months you can "train" them but again I'm a bit sceptical about this, if some babies can do this then great but half the time I think there's these wonder babies who can just do it 😄 if you have Instagram and are interested in this though there's a lady on there called Millie Poppins and from what I've seen she looks to be brilliant in this area and with sleep regressions (they're so tough!)
Babies go through a big leap around this stage (wonder weeks is a great app to get in your babies head and know what's going on) but routine really pays off when they exit the leap. (Again just for a little tip if you do want to look it up - I was kinda at my wits end but when you read up on behaviours it all makes sense).
I feel I've never had chance to just sit down and relax as we're always walking or driving for naps and I've learnt time really isn't my own anymore which is kind of bitter sweet so sending lots of solidarity there 😘
When things get a bit more back to normal you'll get to get busy with your baby and instead of focusing on naps and feeds it'll be more "oh they're hungry, oh they've fell asleep on the drive home" when you can go places.
Lastly, your babies needs are always so important...but so are you & ensuring you look after yourself & mindset is just as important too. I really hope you do reach out further for support from your HV or GP, they are there to help you and from my own experience I'm so glad I reached out - I too was at the 10 week mark where I didn't quite feel myself and my mindset wasn't how I thought it would be.
My inbox is always open should you need someone to talk to, even if it's just to listen not necessarily for advice.
Sending big hugs 💕 x

I had a non sleeper day and night and I get the anger, I used to really hate myself for feeling like that. It was compounded by the fact that my older DC was a textbook baby who slept when the books told me they should for how long they told me they should with minimal effort on my part.

My anger was at night though as I was literally getting no sleep and I wanted her to sleep so I could, I didn’t experience it during the day. If you have a good night time sleeper and are getting decent sleep yourself a put are still feeling this way then I think PND is a possibility. I know several people who suffered really badly and it manifested itself in an obsession with routine.

Although you probably won’t take kindly to that as you’re incredibly snappy. People are trying to help you. Again could be another flag for PND.

Incidentally my non sleeping baby is now a super bright almost three year old who (mostly) sleeps so the cat naps didn’t do her any harm. So it doesn’t appear to have delayed her development in any way.

Gosh, can I ask you to think why you’re so keen to get him to nap?

We simply didn’t think about naps, if she fell asleep she fell asleep, but usually she didn’t. she went through the night at eleven weeks, so her sleep, was predominately during the night, which for us was great, with an hour or two during thr day, but it was led by her, not forced, at no stage did I ever try to get her to nap.

Maybe stop focusing on it, and then also speak to your gp about possible pnd?

@bleachblondemom and just to add...you've probably tried absolutely everything and sorry if this sounds patronising but have you tried singing to baby? The only reason I suggest this is if I feel me and my boy are sort of fighting each other, if I sing it calms me down (not got a cracker of a voice by any means 😂) but it calms my boy down too and he will go to sleep after some time. This only works for me at bedtime 🙈 but it could be worth a try x

Blimey, I could've written this post when my DD was about the same age! Sleep deprivation is brutal, and you're not on your own feeling and acting the way you are. Many many mothers have admitted shouting at their baby in tired frustration (I've done it myself a few times unfortunately). It makes you feel really rubbish but you just feel like you don't know what to do and it just bursts out. I haven't read the entire thread but have you tried looking into one of those baby swings? It's like a little chair that swings automatically and that could help your little one to stay asleep and give you a much needed break. These thing do take time and the goal posts are constantly moving for a while, just know you aren't a terrible mother, you're just a normal person having normal feelings. Things will get better, chin up love xx