Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

@HopingforbabyD thank you so much xx

@Giraffaelina same I’ve spent so much money! And to be honest it has helped his nighttime sleep, just not daytime. Well the sling helps but it’s hit and miss. Next purchase will be blackout curtains. I’ve also been looking at the automatic swings. But I really don’t know if that would even help him :/

I have bought the Rockit that attaches to the crib, tried it for first time yesterday and he still woke up :/ will keep trying it though.

Not crib sorry the pram!

@willowsandroses he was great last night, I was worried that his bad naps and overtiredness would really unsettle him but he was fine. Still woke me up 3 times in the night showing off his WWE moves! 😆

Today he has been up since 8am, at about 10am he fed to sleep and slept for like 15 minutes 🤦‍♀️ Nice one son, try again later then.

So you still haven't bought blackout curtains or blinds?

Several people suggested it but you dismiss us all saying that you've "already tried everything"

[quote bleachblondemom]@Giraffaelina same I’ve spent so much money! And to be honest it has helped his nighttime sleep, just not daytime. Well the sling helps but it’s hit and miss. Next purchase will be blackout curtains. I’ve also been looking at the automatic swings. But I really don’t know if that would even help him :/

I have bought the Rockit that attaches to the crib, tried it for first time yesterday and he still woke up :/ will keep trying it though.[/quote]
Sorry if this has been covered (and I am not trying to be patronising just genuinely curious) but could it be that maybe he just doesn't require that much sleep during the day? Or do you notice crankiness when he doesn't get enough daytime nap? Oh, and all those things I bought?? I've sold them on already. Barely used! He's never even slept in his cot, DH dismantled it a couple of weeks ago as I literally just used it to store his outgrown clothes in it...

There is something interesting I read a few months ago, helped me change my perspective a bit. Just a thought really, but maybe you can relate too? All my adult life, and right before mat leave, I had been doing a job that required me to be exceptionally organised, constantly planning ahead, meeting deadlines etc. It's my mindset! So when I had DS, this has pretty much became my new normal with the baby. Bottle feeding, napping on schedule, literally incentivising myself to do the dishes and laundry on time. And I'd get sooooo stressed out and frustrated if something was a miss, I'd be fuming and feeling like I've failed that day. Took me a good few weeks to snap out of it and learn to just "go with the flow" a bit more and realise that we just needed me, DH and baby to be happy and literally no one gave a crap about my new deadlines that I set for myself. Remember, you are not alone! x

Have you tried a dummy? My daughter was dummy mad and slept like a log with one in her mouth. Yes you do then create the problem of weaning them off it when they turn 3 but this can be done within a week or two and is completely worth the 3 years prior of sleeping.

Let’s say bleach does have PND namechange

Let’s just imagine for a moment that you were rude and sarcastic and nasty to a woman with a baby and PND in a pandemic.

Would that make you feel good?

@willowsandroses I know yeah like sorry I haven’t rushed out to buy blackout curtains yet I might be a bit busy looking after my child or ive just spent a load of money buying other things to try and help him sleep @NameChange30 no need to be so rude

@Giraffaelina yep same here, I am super organised and a self-confessed control freak. This is in all aspects of my life. So it is very hard for me just let go and not be obsessed with having control over everything. I know it’s what I need to do but it’s really difficult. I am getting better at it though!
Sometimes he has a short nap and wakes up happy, so now I don’t get too worried about that. Other times, like once yesterday, he wakes up and is in a grizzly mood so I know that nap wasn’t as much as he needed. But it’s so hard (read: impossible) to get him back to sleep that I just have to wait a bit and let him cranky in the meantime.

My first DC was an excellent night time sleeper. Slept through pretty much from birth. I was so smug!

But the trade off was that she simply didn’t nap during the day. The most I’d ever get out of her was a 40 min cat nap. Eventually I just had to accept that was the way she was.

My second DC was the opposite. Shit sleeper at night but would nap for 3.5 hours solid in the day.

See your GP about your anger. Acute rage is a symptom of PND (I know from experience).

Trying to force your baby to sleep longer is like trying to force the sun to shine. All that's going to happen is you get more and more stressed. If your baby wasn't napping ok, then yes there are things you can do to encourage naps, but your baby has entirely normal, age appropriate length naps.

I'd love my nearly 2 year old.to have a second nap sometimes. She could probably do with it, but it's not biologically normal for her to have 2 naps at her age, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Literally in excess of a hundred people have told you that your baby's naps are fine, that your expectation for them is too high. People with babies your age now have confirmed this. People with multiple children have confirmed this.

I think you need to let this go for your own sanity. Put baby in a sling/or at the appropriate time and go for a walk or do chores with baby in the sling. If sleep doesn't happen after 20 mins, leave it.

@RUOKHon starting to think this is the case with DS especially as he’s getting older. He’s never wanted to nap in his crib but until a few weeks ago I could get some really good naps out of him on my chest, in the sling or in the pram. Now those things are hit-and-miss but I guess he’s just getting older now and more alert. And if he does wake up prematurely and he’s still tired I’ll just have to wait a bit and try again later, because trying to get him back to sleep right away causes so much stress as he tries to fight it. I always say he’s got FOMO lol. Wish he wouldn’t need this constant movement on my behalf to stay asleep but if it’s what he needs I’ll do it.

And OP, I'm also a control freak. In time for had to move from 'i need to control X about my child' to 'I need to control my own reactions'.

It's rare that I get more than a 4hr block of sleep as my toddler doesn't sleep through and is usually up 2-4 times a night. I have very little control of this (every night is the same, and her room is individually temperature controlled so it never veers by more than 0.2 degrees. The same music plays, at the same precise volume. See I'm a control freak too...). But what I can control is trying to carve out other opportunities to sleep, a comfy chair, comfy clothes, things that make it less torturous.

Just a thought OP, have you considered trying to get him down for the night a little earlier? I think we moved DDs bedtime to around 7pm at this age, and if nothing else it meant we no longer had to do the dreaded teatime nap around 6pm. One less nap to battle with!

@LikeTheOceansWeRise we have thought about it, but I think that would move everything else earlier and he’d be up for the day at like 5am 😫 I really can’t handle that right now! There’s been a few times he’s gone down at more like half 8 than 9 and that extra half an hour doesn’t affect too much, so could just move earlier a tiny bit at a time. I know it gets to a point where babies have like 12 hours in bed but I have no idea what age that’s meant to be.

bleach My non-sleepers never, not once, did a 12 hour stretch so don’t assume it’s a given. I’ve only ever read that ‘7 til 7’ is a thing. The maximum length mine have ever slept is 10 unbroken hours and that didn’t happen consistently until they were past two years old.

I've RTFT, and re-read a lot of the OP's posts.

You've had great advice OP, and I probably can't add too much to it.

I will absolutely echo that the possibility of PND here is a very real one. Please go to your GP and discuss.

I did find a lot of your posts were ignoring advice, or being unwilling to accept viewpoints presented. I get this, as of course none of us really know what it's like for you. I also think that defensive reaction can be an example of feeling overwhelmed by PND.

Regarding the sleep, in simple terms, you have a baby who sleeps exceptionally well at night. He therefore just doesn't need a lot of sleep during the day. The behaviour you notice, his irritability, grizzliness etc, is not necessarily due to needing more sleep. It's just a baby who's learning how to 'be'!

You're so right that in non-Covid times this would be easier. You'd have more opportunities to be out & about. More people to meet & more distractions.

Please chat to your GP. Good luck.

@ElphabaTheGreen that’s why I’m a bit reluctant to put him to bed earlier, as it’ll probably just result in him getting up earlier

You know babies can cry even if you think all their needs are met? Sometimes they cry and you have no idea what’s wrong! Maybe he’s bored? 5 naps in one day is quite a lot especially when he sleeps well at night! It sounds like you’re getting quite obsessed with naps and sleep. Can’t you just play with him or go and enjoy your day? As they get older they need less sleep. Not all babies read the instruction manual.

I have 4 kids age between 4 and 17 and I dont think any of then have ever done a 12 hr stretch without waking once. I think that's a bit extreme.

@Babyboomtastic

Trying to force your baby to sleep longer is like trying to force the sun to shine. All that's going to happen is you get more and more stressed. If your baby wasn't napping ok, then yes there are things you can do to encourage naps, but your baby has entirely normal, age appropriate length naps.

I'd love my nearly 2 year old.to have a second nap sometimes. She could probably do with it, but it's not biologically normal for her to have 2 naps at her age, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Literally in excess of a hundred people have told you that your baby's naps are fine, that your expectation for them is too high. People with babies your age now have confirmed this. People with multiple children have confirmed this.

I think you need to let this go for your own sanity. Put baby in a sling/or at the appropriate time and go for a walk or do chores with baby in the sling. If sleep doesn't happen after 20 mins, leave it.

Yes, this. If your baby is otherwise healthy (feeding ok and weight gaining ok) then he doesn't need more sleep. He is sleeping enough. Everything is OK. I'm gradually healing from PND myself, and joining a weekly (video-call) PND support group really helped me. Please, do something about the way you are feeling. Now I'm better I've realised that some of the ways I was thinking/behaving was all the illness (PND) talking through me, and I see it more clearly in some of my dear mum friends still going through it and even having it worse than me. Eg refusing to listen to reasonable suggestions. Losing perspective on hygiene/routines/general babycare. Obsessively monitoring "data" like sleep, weight gain, feeding. Struggling with temper flares. This isn't you, it's the PND and it can get better.

@FedNlanders I never said I expected him to, it’s just something I’ve read, it seems extreme to me too but I guess a lot of babies/toddlers do otherwise it wouldn’t get mentioned. Like I said, don’t know what age it’s ‘meant’ to happen

@Siennabear yes I know that, I also know when my own baby is tired. I’m not trying to force him to sleep when he’s not tired, as I have said repeatedly in this thread.