Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

I would speak to your GP about your anger as post natal anger could be a sign of post natal depression. And getting so angry over something such as a nap is worrying.

I think 10 weeks is a hard age, they don’t just sleep anywhere like they did as a new born. The adrenaline is running out and reality is setting in. Lockdown doesn’t help.

I would try and obsess less over naps, it’s making you stressed and ill and you’ll look back at this in a year or so and feel bad you ruined your time with your new born being angry they wouldn’t have a sleep.

If you were a man you'd get torn to threads on this thread.

Get some anger management NOW - shouting and screaming at your baby isn't normal and it will be a matter of time before you hurt her/him. It isn't right - you NEED help.

You need to be honest with your husband and ask him to take time off work, your son is only 10 weeks old, your expectations are not realistic for this age.

Once your husband is off, firstly, get some rest and some sleep - have a bit of your time and then head straight for your GP.

I am sorry if I sound like I am being harsh but you need to recognise how concerning your behavior is and do something about it. It isn't right. Stop shouting at your baby.

I've read all your posts but not all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating anything.

Please talk to your GP and/or HV about PND. In hindsight I had it after DC1 although at the time I didn't recognise it. So even if you don't feel depressed, just frustrated, you might have PND, as the anger can be a symptom. I do sympathise because I have found infant sleep to be a big source of stress and anxiety (for both my DCs) and it's a vicious cycle ie bad sleep makes me tired and stressed and damages my mental health, then I'm in a negative frame of mind which makes me feel worse about the sleep.

Some practical advice:

• download the Huckleberry app, I've found it very helpful indeed, and the blog has some sensible advice.
• I also find this website very helpful and reassuring: www.babysleepscience.com/single-post/2017/07/18/newborns-and-sleep-part-2-weeks-7-16

Lastly if you're on Facebook there is a group called "Respectful Sleep Training/Learning" which has lots of really helpful information and advice in their files. I would not choose to use all the methods discussed in the group but I found a lot of the files very helpful, particularly the information about schedules.

@LordOfTheOnionRings

If you were a man you'd get torn to threads on this thread.

Get some anger management NOW - shouting and screaming at your baby isn't normal and it will be a matter of time before you hurt her/him. It isn't right - you NEED help.

You need to be honest with your husband and ask him to take time off work, your son is only 10 weeks old, your expectations are not realistic for this age.

Once your husband is off, firstly, get some rest and some sleep - have a bit of your time and then head straight for your GP.

I am sorry if I sound like I am being harsh but you need to recognise how concerning your behavior is and do something about it. It isn't right. Stop shouting at your baby.

I agree with this. Also op, you aren't satisfied that the baby had a two hour nap as you were expecting 4 hours ? That's absolutely insane.

I just looked back at huckleberry for DD. Before 5 months of age she slept on average 12 hours in 24. At 5 months she did 14 hours in 24, now she pretty much does 12 again! When they're tiny they allegedly sleep most of the day but you saying about your DS being awake too long reminds me that I felt exactly the same with DD. I was worried it would bugger her development etc. Turns out she just isn't much of a sleeper I guess!

But genuinely OP, I know my post sounds harsh but you do have my sympathies, sending love and I hope you get the help and rest you need. P.S my baby was a terrible sleeper too, I do understand. If you need to shout, put baby down and leave the room.

I used to remind myself that a lot of newborn crying is just overstimulation. They’re used to being in a dark, temperature controlled incubation chamber. When they come out they just have sensory overload sometimes and it is NOT your fault and there is NOTHING you can do.
We then sleep trained FWIW and I got my sanity back!

Hi OP, I have a 10 month old and have similar in that DS does not like to sleep, day or night.

Today I resorted to driving an hr to go to a shop so he would sleep in the car and luckily he did. There was a time when he was smaller that he would scream in the car constantly.

I am trying very hard not to get frustrated by the non napping or short naps but I did shout at him last week, of course I felt awful afterwards but have told myself I am human I make mistakes and have i put it behind me.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to rant, there will be no judgement from me I promise you that. Babies are hard work.

@bleachblondemom

Thank you new commenters, I feel a lot clearer minded, I was so low earlier. I’m going to put all this advice into practice tomorrow and hopefully things will seem a bit better. He’s just got back from my moms and he slept from 2 til just after 4. Which is better than the last few days but still not back to his ‘normal’ self as he will usually do 4, even 5 hours, in his pram after a walk. I guess it’s a phase and not just my failures. And I need to be prepared that we will have many ups and downs with sleep and ‘normal’ will keep changing for him.

Two hours is a good nap. I’m not sure what you are expecting. I have a three month old and some days she sleeps regularly for short naps throughout the day, others she doesn’t, but I don’t get too stressed about it. You cannot force a routine at this age or expect four hour naps in the day. I think you should see your GP about PND.

Sounds tough! My 1st slept all the time for 6months. I thought babies were so easy....until I had my second. He would hardly sleep in the day and if he did then it was only for 20mins max.
Have you tried white noise? I had a hairdryer sound on repeat constantly and it worked really well.
Is your partner doing his fair share in the evenings and weekends?

I think partly you need to adjust your expectations.

He won't sleep for 4 or 5 hours any more, only newborns do that (if you're lucky - mine never did longer than an hour from about 3 days old!). At 10 weeks I'd be expecting more like 30-45mins, 1-1.5hrs, 30-45mins. And it's quite normal for them to need some kind of movement to be able to sleep I'm afraid. I had to bounce DD on a yoga ball for 30 minutes to get her to sleep and then if I was very careful I could sit down on the sofa holding her. She didn't nap in her cot until she was 13 months and she stopped napping in the pram after about 3 weeks!

It's okay to be angry with your baby providing you're not expressing it in front of them. If you feel angry, put him down somewhere safe and walk away for 5 minutes. But I agree that it would be good to access some professional help.

@bleachblondemom so are you frustrated that he is not taking his normal 3/4/5 hour long nap rather than not napping at all? It sounds like he is still napping?

@HopingforbabyD your comment made me cry. I don’t feel brave or proud right now, far from it, but thank you for saying that x

@3WildOnes it’s not just the short naps, it’s the fact he will only nap in the sling with me moving around or during/after being pushed in his pram for an hour (and this week he hasn’t even done that), both of which are physically demanding of me. And it’s getting harder and harder physically & mentally to keep up with this demand.

I haven’t read all the posts so apologies if this had already been said but I think you said your baby is awake between 1.5/2 hours between naps? That’s quite long for a 10 week old. If he’s waking up at 7am I’d try and put him back down at 8am- 8.30 at the latest. The waking time between waking up and the first nap is usually the shortest of the day.

I think 4/5 hour naps are very unusual for this age... my little one is 17 weeks and used to go longer with naps in the early weeks but for the last approx 8 weeks, only sleeps for 30 minutes at a time. Often on me, on my bed (never on his bed!) in the pram. It’s a pain in the arse but completely normal. His nighttime sleep is also bad... my advice would be to take it nap by nap... don’t but pressure on yourself. Just ride it out.

Have you got the wonder weeks app? We’re currently going through the 4th leap hell

Some of you are really twisting my words. I am NOT mad that my baby is sleeping 2 hours and not 4 or 5. That is something he does SOMETIMES. I am frustrated that I am physically working so hard to get him to sleep all of the time and most of the time it doesn’t work. I walk him round in the sling, or in the pram, just for him to wake up and cry when I stop. Even though he is still tired, and he is fed and comfortable, it’s still not good enough. And he will not sleep more than about 15-20 minutes anywhere else- his cot, my bed, my arms. This week has gone completely downhill and he’s hardly napping at all. I’m totally surprised he did those 2 hours this afternoon. Right now he is screaming because he hasn’t slept since 4pm, despite us trying.

And yes my husband helps me every second that he is at home, including at night, so no need to assume the worst.

@Lockdowntherabbithole I can’t just ‘put him down’ for a nap, that’s what I’m saying. It doesn’t work. And he has to be asleep when i put him in the sling otherwise he cries, so I have to feed him to sleep, so I have to wait til he’s hungry enough to do that.

My baby is 19 weeks old and I had a period about a month or so ago where I was getting really angry when I couldn't get her to sleep and she would cry no matter what I did. I shouted at her a number of times and felt so horrible about it so I just want to sympathise. I think anyone that doesn't understand just hasn't had such a challenging baby. She is still really difficult to get to sleep but I seem to have made peace with it and don't get angry anymore so hopefully the same will happen for you. I can put her down once she is asleep but she only naps for 30 mins now so I can spend 3+ hours a day pacing up and down or dancing about with her and my back is so sore by the end of the day. And she still gets grumpy cause she's overtired! We used to go for walks when she would sleep but she started waking up and crying hysterically because she didn't want to sleep and I found it too stressful so now we don't go out anymore! One thing that helped me a bit was listening to music through headphones to rock her to sleep, it just gives you a bit more energy when you're completely knackered.

@bleachblondemom

All These naps are short term you just need to get help for your anger and push through. By 8 months could be 2 naps and by a year just 1 nap.

So this is short term but how you feel about it needs to be addressed, I would suggest calling a GP or HV tomo

OP I haven't read all the thread because I'm getting irrationally angry on your behalf at all the unhelpful judgemental nonsense.

One thing that has stood out to me is that your baby is a good sleeper. At 10 weeks old babies would normally have a good 2 or 3 wakings over night. I would wager your wee pne might be getting what he needs from cat naps because he gets such big chunks over night.

Why dont you just decide in your mind that once he shows you sleepy signals you will just aim for some quiet time.

Not a nap time. Just quiet time. Snuggles and soft music or even womb sounds (there are loads of apps with white noise) if he naps awesome if he doesn't thats ok. You've achieved your goal of quiet time. Be realistic, with duration. 10\15 mins. If he isn't nodding off gently end quiet time and move onto another activity.

Change your mindset. Stop trying for nap times, that way you can't "fail" ❤

That’s so sad to read ☹️ Best of luck with getting GP / Hv support.

When I say “put him down” for a nap I meant put him in the pram or sling. However, I’ve just seen that you say he needs to be asleep to go in the sling. I find it I let my little one stay awake for too long before the first nap, it sets the day up to fail. Like you, I have trouble getting mine to sleep too but do find that getting him to sleep sooner rather than later helps.

His sleep needs will change so much in the next few weeks/months. When you think you’ve cracked it, it might suddenly stop working. I found this with my eldest, who I swear was the worst sleeper ever. He’s four in July and still has nights where he doesn’t sleep through.

Op stop trying to get him to nap. Just stop. You don’t need to do it. Just put him in a little bouncy chair, but the telly on, give him a rattle, a stuffed toy something to play with, and stroke his feet.

Take the pressure out of this, you’ve become so focused on naps, you’ve lost sight of everything else. To the point you’re shouting, screaming, crying, make a pact with yourself you will not do it tomorrow. You’ll just chill, and if he naps he naps, if he doesn’t he doesn’t. It’s all good.

And give your gp a call. Explain where you’re at mentally and that you likely need some help, it sounds like you may have pnd.

My first son was like this but he also didn't sleep well at night. It was so hard, so I know how you feel. Is there anyone who could help you? I used to go to bed when my husband came home and then when he went to bed I would take over until 4am/ 5 am when he would allow me a few hours. I just needed him to not be in my care for those hours. I found that only getting 4 hour sleep stints just wasn't enough and it wore me down physically and emotionally.

My husband and I were both very confused when our newborn didn't follow all the 'rules' he was supposed to. He never slept in his cot, never napped at the right times, only napped 30 mins etc.

Neither of us had any experience with babies or any idea what they were like.

One day we both realised that we were following (often conflicting) advice from random articles from the internet.

We stopped reading them and completely removed all expectations.

We realised that parenting is nothing like it says online or even what a relative tells you. It's a completely unique, different experience for absolutely everybody and every baby.

I know what it's like when everything feels like a mess because you're tired and it's a horrible, never ending cycle. You want some control over your day and the thought of a routine helps with that. But our life got monumentally easier when we just decided to go with the flow and accept it. You just have to completely follow your baby's lead. The path of least resistance is valuable when you're very, very tired!