Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

I didn’t mean a play at to sleep on, I meant so he can have a kick and play. I had one with a hanging ball on it and a mirror. Of course a 10 week old drill need a cuddle to fall asleep. I just meant relax about trying get him to sleep and let him play for a bit.

@Kittykat93 do you not think I feel bad enough without someone insinuating I could hurt my own baby

Poor you, naps are SO stressful. I feel for you. The best advice I got & have read is don't battle over naps... if they won't sleep, deep breath & try again in half an hour or get out of the house for a walk if you can. Its not worth it. Nighttime sleep is worth the battle but in the daytime try not to stress! (Easier said than done I know).

It does get better, give it time. I remember my first DD dropped naps at about age 2 & I felt like a huge weight had lifted off me!

Some babies unfortunately don't nap routinely, mine was one of them, she didn't sleep much at night either . Needless to say I ended up with PND.
I stopped battling with her and just accepted that she might nap in the car, or later on than when I wanted, or maybe not at all. She had a bouncy chair that she tolerated if I wanted a break and there was a baby TV channel that showed soothing videos and music which would sooth her for 5mins.
The only thing I would say is check for reflux and dairy intolerances, mine was exclusively bf, I didn't realise she could be sensitive to the dairy I was consuming. It turned out that she was sensitive to cow's milk protein.

At that age I let my little one nap in a bouncy chair, on the playmat or in her Moses basket (basically wherever she fell asleep she stayed). The bouncy chair vibrated, which she loved but I would sometimes have to bounce her for a bit if she started to stir. Worth a try if you've not already!

I know how you feel, because when my DD got to 7 months I felt like I spent all day everyday just trying to get her to take what was always a 20 minute nap. It was upsetting and that only lasted a couple of weeks for us!

All I can say is it does get better! I say this as I'm currently nap trapped on the sofa by my 11month old. She has had a pretty bad nap day and has ended up crashing on me so I'm just going with the flow at the minute!

Please don't be afraid to reach out for help if you need it

My dd was similar at that age and I just stopped trying. I would go out twice a day, pram or sling and if she slept she slept, if she didn’t I just sang/ chatted to her etc. I only really started thinking about awake windows and ‘does she need a nap’ when she was about 9 months and needed a solid nap in the day. Even now at 22 months she doesn’t often nap in the cot but sleeps well at night. Quite often I take her for a ‘car nap’ as she call it!

Instead of beating yourself up about the shouting, it’s happened, forget about it. Your baby has already forgotten. Use this as an opportunity to learn that you are struggling to deal with frustration and you might need some help/ therapy to address how you react in certain situations. As the mum of a toddler I can tell you there are many times in the day I could shout at my child for the various frustrating things she’s doing/ not doing, and napping is STILL a battle. The feelings are normal but you need to try and work on the reaction. Deep breathes, ‘okay, we’re not napping right now let’s cuddle and watch some baby Einstein’ or something similar worked for me. However I know often feelings like this can not just be switched off after having a baby.

I also found HVs a bit useless so try your GP. They will want to help and won’t make you feel ashamed.

@Inhaleexhale23 thank you what you said was really helpful x

Well op sorry you feel bad and fair play to you for reaching out but I'm also not going to sit back and not comment on someone saying they are yelling at a 10 week old baby all the time. If someone came on here saying their husband was shouting at a baby they'd all be told it was abuse and to leave him. Not saying you are abusive, just saying you really need to get some help in real life to try and control your anger as you are only 10 weeks in.

If someone came on here saying their husband was shouting at a baby they'd all be told it was abuse and to leave him

I agree.
Op - does your dh know how stressed you are? Does he hear the shouting ?

He's ten weeks old...

Sleep is often a massive pain in the arse, some people are lucky and get eat babies and other's aren't (I'm in the later, DD slept through like twice at four months and then not again for two years, naps were dropped very early too).

Instead of trying to get him to nap when he shows the first tired signs does something else, go in a different room, put music on and dance, get a different toy out just distract and then if he's really pooped try sleep. Keep up stimulation because if they take ages to go to sleep they aren't ready to sleep.

Also please read up on biologically normal infant sleep, waking up in the night is normal and cat naps are normal, especially after 4 months (sorry but be prepared) when they are more awake and aware of the world b

@bleachblondemom, I'm sorry you are struggling and you should definitely reach out for help if your feelings don't change. Could your mum help on more days or maybe your husband could book some leave?
Babies this young aren't "sneaky", he is not trying to upset you. You are all he has and he can only communicate through crying.
My youngest didn't sleep. In his case he didn't sleep because he was in pain. He felt better when he was being held or rocked. It took us a long while to figure it out.
You and your little one are on the same team. He will sleep eventually, take one day at a time.

Are you stressed because he's not doing what you expect or because you're tired?
Try a vibrating bouncy chair or a self swinging chair. The self swinging one is pricey but it was worth it for me. I left my baby in it all night once - not advised but he fucking slept all night which felt like a miracle
Vibrating chairs are around £20 I think

My baby is 10 weeks old and similar...good at night sleeping and rubbish at naps, so was my first so at least I know there’s an end to it!
Rather than a morning and afternoon naps maybe let baby take more short little cat-naps and try not to worry if they wake shortly after falling asleep...this period of time won’t last long!
Most babies I think need holding while they sleep just get yourself set up with a snack/drink/something on tv so you’re not so frustrated at not being able to get things done?

@olderthanyouthink I don’t mean it takes him an hour to get to sleep, I mean I have to walk him for an hour for him to stay asleep. If I come home sooner he realises he isn’t in a moving pram anymore and wakes up. But after an hour asleep in the pram he’s too asleep to notice if we stop.

My husband knows I’m stressed because he comes home and I’m in tears. But by that time in the evening nap times are over so he doesn’t see how hard it’s actually been.

10 weeks feels like forever when you’re in the thick of the early days, but it is only very little. DS was also a non-sleeper and god I feel your pain. I remember running up the garden leaving DS safely in his crib and screaming because I was so pissed off with it...!

I found a bouncy chair a good solution at that age - that and white noise. I played YouTube vids of waterfalls on the tv, settled him in a bouncy chair and jiggled it with my foot while I sat on the sofa. Worked wonders for DS and a bouncy chair is cheap so it’s worth a go. We had a posh vibrating one but the one DS liked was a cheap one, go figure.

You’ll get through op. You’re posting on here worrying about it, and that tells me you care. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel your feelings. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if they start to feel too much though.

My dd was the same op. If left to her own devices she would stay awake all day - though if I took her for a long walk in the pram, she'd often nod off but wake soon after I got home. I remember being tired, angry, frustrated and stressed by it. I just stopped trying to get her into a routine tbh. I gave up on the napping aside from when she fell asleep on our walks. It was a hard slog but once I changed my mindset from "she should be doing this" and just accepted things for how they were, it became easier for me.

My mum offered to come over one day a week so I could stay in bed and she'd stay with dd and just bring her in to see me when she was hungry (bf). That helped a lot and I'm grateful that I had a mum who could do that. Dd still doesn't sleep much even now she's 6. I have accepted that she doesn't need that much sleep and that's just how it is.

@roarfeckingroarr why do you have to come here just to make comments like that? Yes he’s 10 weeks old, it doesn’t change that I’m exhausted and in physical pain and upset and feeling generally like a shit mom. You telling me how Old my son is in that condescending way doesn’t help, in fact it feels like you’re mocking me for struggling.

Have you been honest and open with him? Does he know that you are shouting and screaming at the baby?
I’m not saying this to get at you but if he doesn’t know then you need to tell him so that he can help effectively.

@Nightfeedwatcher he won’t even stay asleep on me anymore, he wakes up after like 15 mins

Mine was like yours OP except also screamed almost all the time she was awake. It was a living nightmare a lot of the time. Like you DH would come home to be sobbing. Sometimes I would call him at work in a such a state that he'd immediately call my DM and ask her to come over to help me. I had a lot of support and I still struggled. In hindsight I think I had PND and I wish I had spoken to my GP about it and I also wished I had engaged with the therapy I was referred to, I discharged myself when DC was only a couple of weeks old as I didn't feel it was helping and I didn't feel able to give it what it needed to be helpful. Which then just left me alone struggling with DH having to pick up the pieces.

It really does get better gradually as they get older but I know that's no consolation to you right now.

Practical suggestions:

• Huckleberry app - I did find this helpful to an extent.
• could you push your baby in the pram in the hallway? I did this just back and forth and played lullabies quietly on my phone next to her and had some success saving me walking for an hour round the park as otherwise like yours she would wake upon stopping/getting home.
• Call GP to make appt and discuss your feelings and whether you need any therapy.
• Can you get more support from DH and/or childcare bubble? I found usually when DM was with me she wasn't even doing anything practical other than making cups of tea but just having an adult to speak to even if it meant shouting over the screams of my child helped keep me calmer!

for you. You're doing a great job and it's normal to get frustrated.

Hi OP, when people say lower your expectations, they're not being unkind. They just mean you're expecting too much of a 10 week old. What you're describing, having to walk to get naps, not going in cot for naps, is really normal baby behaviour. Iy would still be normal at 6m.and not crazy at 9 months. By lower your expectations I think people mean, you can't really expect a routine or set naps or even cot naps at 10 weeks old. Perhaps some babies do but most won't. I think you need to accept that, as a part of reducing your anger levels. It sounds like you're doing all the right things and that nights are going OK, which is better than many at such a young age! Maybe try sitting a yoga ball so you can bounce, might relieve done pressure on your back. And do keep regularly trying to see if you can leave baby to it in a missed basket or alternative, one day they might surprise you by drifting off. Mainly, cut yourself some slack.

@Spudlet thank you for your sympathy, it’s just so fucking hard sometimes. He’s great when he’s awake it’s just so frustrating when he is obviously tired and needs sleep to make him feel better but he just won’t do it and I don’t know what to do to help him

And does he cry again after waking after 15mins? Or can you just sack that nap off and try again after another cycle of playmat/milk/nappy change?