Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

You are so brave to open up about this. It will pass. But I think you need much more real life support and structure to help you recognise that you are a great mum and that your baby is very normal and thriving. It must be so hard to look after a tiny baby in Lockdown. You can feel all the anger but learn what to do with it healthily. If your mother shouted then that is your inner blueprint. But you recognise it and have done brilliantly recognising it so early on in your child's life.

I think it comes with practice, every time you feel the frustration rising, try and distract yourself and move your thoughts away from the intensity of trying to get someone who needs to sleep but won't, to sleep. I also think there's nothing worse than spending hours sat by a cot trying to get a baby to sleep so if it's just not happening maybe just get him up and carry on your day, then try again. Sometimes I pretend DD did have a nap when I've had to give up because it makes me feel better

I don’t know if this is a helpful comment but my baby is 15 weeks. She’ll only nap on me, not in the car, not even in the pram. I feel like if I spent my day getting her to sleep at the ‘right time’ I’d be an anxious mess and never leave the house so I just don’t worry about it. When she does nap it’s only ever for 30-45 minutes so I can’t bare to spend ages getting her to sleep for her to wake up within 30 minutes. I just go about my day as planned and if she sleeps in the car/when I’m feeding her/while I’m chilling on the sofa then great! It’s just a phase that’ll pass, just try not to focus on it too much

@Geppili thank you you’ve made me feel like I’m not a total monster x

@Walesrecommendations @Sls668 both of you are speaking the sense that I try to speak to myself every day! I need to walk away and calm down and realise it’s not the end of the world if he doesn’t have a big nap. But I just want him to be rested and happy :( but obviously forcing him to go to sleep is not gonna do that.

I am gonna try so so hard to be better, it’s all I want to do.

He sleeps well at night - that's the biggest thing to remember. Just because he's not having long naps in the day, doesn't mean something is wrong, he is clearly getting a great amount at night. I don't think anyone saying to lower your expectations is being unkind - the fact he sleeps well at night at ten weeks is fantastic, and honestly you can't expect much more at 10 weeks. A lot of 10 week olds don't sleep at night like at all. They don't have a routine at ten weeks, they just don't. It's stressful and it's bloody hard. Even at 6 months, they struggle with a routine. I sympathise that you feel so awful, however - you need to speak to your gp. You've admitted in your post you're getting irrationally angry at your baby, and you shout and make him cry. Anytime anyone insists you get help for this, you get angry - op, you wrote a post specifically saying you hate being angry with your child, of course people are commenting on it, it's the forefront of your post. You absolutely need to contact them for help. You obviously know you can't continue hollering at a small baby - you want it to change, so you need to change it. Please do tell your DH just how bad it has got. Maybe he can take some annual leave? But absolutely please get In touch with the GP.

@Strawberries4days thank you x yes he has a dummy when he wants it, sometimes he’s not fussed about it.

Do you have any friends with similar age babies? I have 3 friends with babies and they’re all within 5 months of each other (so a bit of a range). It’s so nice when you’re having a shit day to text them and find one of them is having/has recently had the same issue - I found that makes all the difference for me. If not, baby classes can start again soon, maybe get your name on some waiting lists?

My younger brothers were really naughty kids and my mom has a short fuse so would always be shouting at them and cross with them. I always thought to myself, I am never ever going to be that kind of parent. But now it seems like I am and I hate myself for it.

I’m just reading Philippa Perry’s book, ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’. She talks about how we internalise the parenting we ourselves received, and how having children of our own can surface old feelings from our own infancy. Maybe there’s something in that for you, OP - could it be that you feel angry with your son because you didn’t get the kind of soothing care you deserved as a baby, and deeper down - beneath the anger - you’re sad for your baby self? Sorry if this is a bit ‘deep’... ignore if so! And no disrespect to your Mum - we all have our flaws, and their generation didn’t know what we know now - and our kids will definitely have to forgive us our failings, too. But if you’re interested to explore this, the book might be helpful.

@imalmostthere I’m not angry at people saying I should get help, I’m angry at people saying ‘he’s 10 weeks old’ like that’s that, like how dare I complain about a 10 week old, how dare I claim to be struggling. I’m not angry at the people who are offering me some sympathy and support when I’m obviously desperate and feeling very low. I’m angry at people acting all affronted that I dare complain at all.

@bleachblondemom I've been through similar to you. Before you know it the weather will be mild and hopefully we can all get out more. Just don't stress about the naps. Every stage feels like it is a life sentence, but it always passes. My once newborn who never napped is now nearly six ft and he can sleep all day!

@BerthaYoung that sounds interesting, I might look into it.
My parents fucked up in a lot of ways but that was more when I was an older child. I think I was a pretty easy baby. But might be worth a read anyway!

@Sls668 only one, she has an 18 month old. I did talk to her yesterday about my DS’s napping habits but I was quite light hearted about it, I didn’t go into all this. Her son had a lot of the same napping issues and yes it does help knowing I’m not the only mom going through this but it still doesn’t make me feel much better because I’m still in this moment, still struggling.

@bleachblondemom hi OP, I’m currently holding a napping 16 week old. Born in lockdown, I’m alone for 12hrs a day, with commuter partner who had no leave. The day drags, and you just want them to nap on their own so you can recharge.

I see three parts in your post:

1. Your feelings - totally valid and common for new mums. You don’t need to feel ashamed. Some cry, some get angry. Feeling like this doesn’t mean anything about how much you wanted your baby. Maybe you can try Googling your local area + “perinatal mental health”? Your local service might accept self referrals. They offer visits to support, and other things, like teaching how to read baby cues to help you communicate with baby. They may also have a peer support group, which is a safe space to discuss your feelings (safer than here!). I think the posters mentioning harm to baby are aware that shaken babies are usually a tragic result of sleep deprived parents and not “monsters”, so mentioning it to encourage you to seek help.

2. Your physical exhaustion - you sound really really tired. It doesn’t make sense to add long walks and baby wearing to that.

3. your child’s sleep - I put this last because I think it’s the first two that your post shouts out need attention first. I don’t know what will help your baby but I can say what helped me. Firstly stopping trying to “get” the baby to do something, and treating them more as a person, making this happen by talking to them “oh no are you tired?” “What’s upset you?”, that helps frustration because changes your perspective from trying to hit the right notes as a “good mum” to helping an upset person, puts you in a compassionate role rather than a performance role. The things you’re doing, such as rocking and walking and wearing, I did as well, but I now understand to count as stimulation rather than soothing and they are “props” which do something in short term but don’t actually help them sleep deeply. I read a book called “The Baby Whisperer” which changed my perception on this - it said you wouldn’t want to be jiggled and rocked and constantly moved to sleep so why would a baby? Since implementing soothing methods, I’ve found she sleeps deeper, and actually the walking around sleep was more “passed out “ and doesn’t count as restful sleep for her. I hold her, and gently sway (sitting down, not physically onerous for me) she’ll shout and wriggle, then do a glazed stare, then fall asleep, just like the book says. She might shout and wriggle a couple of times and it took a while the first few days, but now she’ll fall asleep after one bout of shouting. My back and body are so grateful. Have you considered using a maternity nurse for a couple of days? They’re for babies under 6 months and you can see the soothing methods in action and learn from them and also have a break.

This is my first proper post on MN, my heart goes out to your post, it is so tough on your own.

I don’t think people necessarily mean ‘he’s 10 weeks so you’re not allowed to complain’ I think they mean, he’s 10 weeks so I’m afraid that’s what it’s like. It is really hard having a tiny baby. It does get better but I know it doesn’t feel like it will at the moment

DS1 was a non napper. The only times he ever napped, was with me driving round in circles or pushing him out in the pram. Only once he nodded off in his room, and I remember it distinctly because it was such a rarity.
We had no family help, and I was so stressed with it all and in need of a few hours break I outsourced the tough times, put him in nursery pt at four months and went back to work. The relief was immediate, it was a game changer and I instantly felt more able to handle my days at home.
He stopped napping completely at 12 months. He's 18 now, but those first few months were the single hardest part, and I never regret paying for someone else to deal with a large chunk of it.
FWIW DS2 napped for two hours solid every afternoon until he was three.
You have my sympathies.

I had the same, rationally looking back now I know that a newborn won't sleep at set times or neccessarily self-settle, but I used to feel myself getting angry. I didn't shout but knew I needed help. I was given SSRIs to try and had support from the postnatal team, that really helped.

I spent a lot of time lurking on old sleep threads on mumsnet and one poster recommended this website, the approach and language I found really helpful purplecrying.info/sub-pages/soothing/common-features-and-principles-of-soothing.php

This page about measuring up against methods and not feeling like a failure helped too purplecrying.info/sub-pages/soothing/soothing-methods-to-avoid.php

It's so stressful isn't it, you have all my sympathy.

Huckleberry app worked wonders for me when DD was that age, by the time she was yawning and rubbing her eyes she was getting overtired and took ages to settle, whereas if I tried to get her down for a nap before that point it was much quicker. Huckleberry was really good for predicting when that was likely to be.

@BakeOffRewatch thank you so much for what you’ve said. I am going to see what services are available in my area.
For the record, once I have removed myself from the situation and ‘let out’ my feelings, I go back to my baby and hug & kiss him, I never leave him upset. And I would never hurt him.
I am tired but I think I’m more emotionally exhausted? Physically I’m ok, a bit tired because I do get up to feed him in the night and sometimes I struggle to fall asleep but I’m getting a lot more sleep than a lot of other new parents! It’s just so mentally draining that it then makes me feel physically tired if you get what I mean. But I am starting to get more in pain from baby wearing, which is making me feel like I just cannot carry on doing that for hours a day.
I will have a look at that book, I have heard of it before.

My first wouldn’t nap during the day. Maybe half an hour in the morning if I was lucky. Then later if I kept him moving in the pushchair.
It is fucking exhausting. It’s enough to make you cry.
It doesn’t last forever.
But right now you need those around you to help out and acknowledge that it’s bloody awful at the moment.

This isnt right.. at this age he is either hungry or windy. They sleep so much. Maybe more stimulation when hes awake.. mine sits under his play mat looking around for ages.. and then hes worn out for a few hours after.. not judging i know its hard

@Takebackthepower this is the problem. I’m constantly reading or being told that babies this young sleep so much of the time. So this stresses me out. Then I finally start to feel a bit better because so many other moms are telling me it’s normal and they’ve been through it too. And now I’ve got someone telling me it’s not normal and there’s a problem? So now I feel upset and worried again. No fucking wonder.
He is plenty stimulated. He is not hungry or windy. I do everything I can to make him happy and comfortable.

Oh huge sympathies OP, it's so hard having a non napper. My wee one only slept in the sling or pram til 6 months, always had to be moving. Then despite this sometimes she would STILL wake up after 30 mins, agh! Only having 30 mins peace is so draining.

I found that things changed at lightening speed at that age. Next week he'll probably be back to his massive long naps again. It's a bad phase, but it'll get better really soon.

I've been there with the anger. It's so scary to feel that as a normally calm person, and obviously you are frustrated with the situation rather than your baby. Well done for admitting it. There is some really good advice on here that I hope helps.

My best strategy has been to give up and try 15 mins later. Have a cup if tea and a sit down. It gets easier I promise!

Poor you. You do have my sympathies. My baby was (and still mostly is) the same. She's 6 months and for the first 4 months I could only get her to nap in the sling constantly bouncing. My feet and knees were in bits so I understand how physically painful it is. Then at 5 months she started sleeping on me after a feed or sleeping in the pram. I have felt like a failure for not being able to put her down for naps but some babies are just like this so don't feel that you're doing anything wrong. I have just accepted this is who she is and I go on lots of walks... Tiring but much better than bouncing in the sling. Lots of love to you and I hope things do improve. Xx