Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

This reminds so much of how stressful it all is. It takes over your day and once they're asleep you don't ever relax because you don't know when they'll wake again. It's the unpredictability that's so hard which I also think is why I couldn't bear it but friends with more support around were not as derailed by it. I didn't want to sit by myself all day holding a baby I couldn't put down, I felt like a prisoner and i hated it. I did have 3 though because they are soon much better!.
What about going for a walk the same time twice a day to see if you can get a pattern going?

My baby is turning 5 months and only just starting to consolidate (take longer naps). Prior to this, she was napping anywhere between 30 mins to 45 mins, occasionally a bit longer. Shorter naps are very normal at this age I'm afraid but they do get better and longer!

My advice would be to try and work on getting him to sleep in his cot (or wherever he sleeps at night). Have you tried black out blinds, swaddling and white noise? Also, have you looked up awake times for his age? 1.5 - 2 hours might be a bit too long for a 10 weeks old so he might be overtired and so will result in shorter naps. If you can get him sleeping in his cot, at least if he only sleeps 30 minutes, that's 30 minutes to yourself where you don't have to be holding him in the sling.

With my first baby I was obsessed with naps because he woke 3 times in the night and I was tired. With my second, she sleeps well at night and so I've been less stressed over naps. I start each day assuming she'll take short naps and then if she does longer ones it feels like a bonus! Also I've learnt not to try and nap when she naps because it's almost torturous to just have nodded off to sleep only for her to wake up!

As for feeling anger towards your baby, it's brave of you to admit that and also I imagine, very hard. I don't have any great advice other than to recommend that you try and take a few minutes when you feel that way to try and calm down and remind yourself that your baby is just being a tiny baby and that it will get better. Also, I'd really make the most of getting as a much sleep as you can at night if he's sleeping well. If you're well rested then it makes everything a bit easier.

Your son is a very normal baby by the sounds of things. Your responses to people's posts are a lot about him but what you really need to focus on is your response to him. His behaviour is normal. Your shouting at him is not. You need to get help to learn how to cope without shouting at him because he may well never nap like you want him to. People, as I read it, aren't trying to be mean or make you feel bad, they're trying to help you see you need help. You posted here which is a good first step. Now tell your husband you gert frustrated enough to shout at your 10 week old and get your husband on board with getting you proper help, whatever that needs to be.

@Nightfeedwatcher he starts rubbing his head on my and crying like he just doesn’t want to be on me anymore. So I put him down and he’s fine. But how can he be fine after 15 mins of sleep when he was previously awake for like 2 hours? It’s not enough sleep for a 10 week old.

Every time I search online about young babies sleeping it always says they shouldn’t be awake for more than an hour or an hour and a half at his age. So I feel like it’s going to be detrimental to his health & development if I don’t get him enough sleep.

@Aria2015 I have tried absolutely everything. As I said in a previous post, I have tried to replicate bedtime during the day. If I spend a day trying to get him to nap in his cot, he will not get any sleep that day. I have tried it.
I know his awake times are too long. They are too long because he won’t fucking sleep.

It is always a phase and it will pass.

@Aria2015 sorry I didn’t mean to be snappy with you, the rest of your post was very helpful and thank you for being understanding. I find it very hard to tell people I’m struggling because I just don’t want them to know.

It gets better I promise.

It will pass.

Mine is 9 months now but the first four months were hard and seemed to go on forever.

I also used to feel angry and frustrated at times. It’s so hard with hormones and sleep deprivation. Ignore the harsh posters if you can. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I bet you’re doing a great job. Hang in there, they get easier as the weeks go on, they really do

Hi op, firstly congratulations on your new baby. Nothing prepares you for this roller-coaster.
I only had the odd days of what your describing so I'm sorry if my suggestions are crap.
Could you rock the pram through the doorframe at home, you know over the bump on the floor... Use to work for my son. I could do this with my foot whilst I sat and watched TV.
Also, I haven't seen how he's being fed. Do you think he's hungry? Therefore the whole cycle of feed and sleep wouldn't work.

I'm currently expecting number two and feel way more chilled out as this baby will just have to slot in with my toddlers routine. It will pass, it will feel like a lifetime but you will get there.
Please be kind to yourself.

Remember though, that baby books and sites and whatever might know all about babies generally, but they don’t know your baby. They are all different, just as we all are. So use them as guides, take the bits that are handy, but don’t let them dominate your thinking too much.

It does get better, I promise you it does. If it didn’t I would have left DS under a hedge many many years ago, to be eaten by the nearest sabre-tooth tiger (or local equivalent).

It looks like baby groups might be starting up again soon, at least in England. Try and get yourself to some. It is lonely with a young baby, finding some people in the same boat might help. My local leisure centre is also running online classes including baby yoga - maybe see if there’s anything similar locally for you (local as it can then transition into a real life class when possible). Our local wildlife trust runs a baby group too which is outdoors, so might feel safer if it worries you to be inside with people.

@Spudlet thank you, I do feel lonely sometimes. Even when I talk to people, I don’t want to let them know how I’m really feeling. Me and my DH, and both our families, have wanted a baby for so long, I don’t want them to know how hard I’m finding it. So I pretend everything’s ok.

@Ginandshinythings he is formula fed and I’m always trying to make sure he never goes to sleep hungry, some days I feel like all I do is make bottles. It’s definitely not a hunger issue (I don’t think). He’s always well fed and wonder and he’s not a particularly sicky baby either so I trust that he’s feeling ok and not feeling unwell or in pain.

@Ginandshinythings winded not wonder!

It’s so hard op it really is and I totally understand the angry feelings- but I think it’s more frustration than anger. Make sure when you feel like that you step away- even if baby is just crying in the cot for five mins while you breathe.

I haven’t read the full thread but have you tried white noise? I was really dubious but it worked that well for dc3 I bought a teddy that played it through the night too. Was the only way to keep him asleep for a decent period of time.

It will pass- I had some horrific sleepers both nighttime and naps and it does get better

Sorry that you are struggling OP. He sounds like a very normal 10 week old. Could you just leave housework and whatever else that you are trying to get 'done' in his naps and do what you can with him while he is awake? Like, narrating while you cook something simple while he watches? Sing to him while you load the dishwasher etc?

You mentioned that you are worried about the lack of sleep impacting his development, I think you need to consider that you shouting at him will be impacting his development, and likely causing him stress which is stopping him from being able to sleep. I know I wouldn't be able to drop off very easily if my own night involved being shouted at.

Well done admitting that you feel and behave this way, but you absolutely must seek help from a professional. Postnatal rage and anger is fairly well understood much like post natal depression or anxiety.

OP how do you normally deal with frustration, outside of having a baby? I'm not asking that to pick on you, but I personally have found a lot of things about having a baby are really at odds with my personality and I find them incredibly hard to deal with. Eg, I'm a really busy and efficient person, I thrive on constantly doing things, tidying, completing work etc and found slowing down to baby pace really hard. I've had to really work on coping strategies to better align myself with looking after a baby. Similarly the anxiety around 'what they should be doing' which it sounds like you might be experiencing a bit (but I may be wrong). Do you feel like it's a battle you have to win at all costs? I think naps are really common for having this feeling, because you know the knock on effects for them of not sleeping. I find commentating the situation in my head helps sometimes, like 'ok I'm going to give it five more minutes then if she isn't asleep I'm going to get her up and make a tea and it's ok because she'll nap later and it's all going to work out, it's not the end of the world'. Kind of helps me with the anxiety building, which is actually the bigger issue.

Tell them, op. The people who love you will want to know so they can support you. I didn’t tell anyone how hard it was either and that was a mistake - I cut myself off from support that I could have had. Even just saying things out loud helps sometimes, it takes some of the power away, you know? Makes it all seem a little smaller and less scary.

It will be ok in the end. Your baby won’t be damaged by being a little nap-dodging rat-bag, or by having a quite understandably sometimes frazzled mummy. Your job is to find a way to express your frustration safely and to tell people that actually you are finding it hard so they can help you - even if that help is just telling you it will be ok in the end. As long as he’s safely in his cot, it won’t hurt him to cry for a minute if you need to go into the next room for some primal screaming into a pillow! (However, do not think it will be ok to place your baby on top of the very full laundry hamper by the loo while you have a wee, they will contrive to wiggle in and only a pair of very cross legs will be left sticking out. I was really desperate for a wee...No DSs were harmed in the making of this mistake mind you...). Also tell your DH because he can help - for example, taking the baby out for a long walk at the weekend so you can have a bath or a sleep, or both. But if you don’t tell him that’s what you need, he can’t, can he?

This too shall pass, I promise.

@Walesrecommendations that’s exactly how it feels, like a battle I need to win. If I don’t then I’ve failed. What you have said is so rational and reasonable and it’s what I tell myself at the end of every day but it’s so hard to then put into practice the next time he’s fighting sleep. I’m not normally like this.

Sorry i’ve only skimmed the replies.

Those first few months are so hard, especially when you’re exhausted.

Have you tried a rocker/bouncer? If your baby needs movement maybe the rocking will keep them asleep?

Do you think he's settled after a feed, infacol saved my life. I can't remember how early you can give that but it made a huge difference to my son's mood.

@Spudlet thank you for everything you’ve said, it’s really helped.

My younger brothers were really naughty kids and my mom has a short fuse so would always be shouting at them and cross with them. I always thought to myself, I am never ever going to be that kind of parent. But now it seems like I am and I hate myself for it. And he’s not even doing anything, how the fuck am I gonna cope when he’s a toddler and is actually misbehaving?

Sorry just re read your update that he seems fine after a feed!

It is very hard but try not to rely on baby ‘guides’ too much as it can make you feel as though your baby is not doing the right thing, I’ve deleted most baby apps/don’t look at them for exactly this reason and just go along with what baby wants.
Also if he’s sleeping well on a night then maybe he makes up for it then?

Babies, toddlers and children are hard work. Once this stage passes it will be a new one. Motherhood really is hard work selfless and relentless thats the reality so I think you do need to lower your expectations.
I know its hard and dont want to cause you any further upset but honestly, you really shouldnt be shouting at your baby and feeling anger toward him, he is brand new. Please get some help for his sake. Stressing a baby like that can cause issues further down the line 😓

OP I couldn't just scroll past and not comment. Naps are so hard with babies at any age but as you said, he's good sleeping at night so that's part of the battle won. I do agree with people saying to speak to your GP if you feel stressed. Even talking to your mum could help a bit if you feel like you can? It's hard this year with the Pandemic so don't feel alone OP💐

Does he take dummys or soothers? I find soothers worked well when she needs to nap since its a comfort thing. Can even look into reflux or bad gas? See if your mum could take him more than once a week, maybe even twice or just to come over to you for a cuppa during the week?