Soon to take in a 4 year old, any advice?

[lunarice]

I won't get into the situation but my nephew is coming to stay with my parents and I. I'm 18 and in full time online college, and my parents have full time jobs. He is 4 and I figure I will be the one taking care of him most of the time. Does anyone have any tips as to how to take care of a child? Should I be child proofing the house? I also am not sure if I should ask for a babysitting rate from my parents. They aren't taking any time off. Is there anything I should be looking out for in consideration to how developed a 4 year old should be?

I've been talking to some parents I know who say that you should pay attention to a 4 year old pretty much 100% of the time, which worries me because sometimes I am in meetings and preoccupied. He has been in day care previously but my parents are not looking to put him in one at this time. He is not in pre-school as of yet. Any help would really really be appreciated, as I am truly unfamiliar in this topic being that I am the youngest of my siblings and have only babysat nieces and nephews sparingly before this.

You won't be able to do full time online college while taking care of a 4 year old all day every day

He needs to be in childcare if you are a student and your parents are working. Let your parents sort out his care. He is not your responsibility.

Think that you need to tell your DPs that you need to concentrate on your course and won't be able to look after him in the day.

If you're in the U.K. doesn't he get 30 hours funded childcare?

4 year olds need almost constant supervision and interaction.

Your parents need to arrange proper childcare.

Should he be starting school in September? Has a place been applied for if so?

If you're in the UK there would be the free pre-school hours that could be used. I can understand that there's obviously a big disruption for him, but that might man accessing early learning might be of benefit from him.

I think you need to be practical and sensible from the outset. Your parents are presumably the main carers, you are in full time education and their responsibility to you is to ensure you have all the time for study, and that includes homework and revision time. Maybe you should set realistic goals for you participation in his care. A weekend day, a few evenings, picking up a handful of additional chores.

You don't really need to child-proof for a four year old. Keep cleaning products properly closed. That's all I do and I have a four year old.

But, do not just accept he's your responsibility when your parents are the ones who are taking him in. You're only young.

Steak to your parents about it. Chances are you’re assuming a level of involvement that is not going to be the case.

*speak

I don’t think it’s wise for a 4 yr old to come and live with people that haven’t even discussed who’s taking care of him. Is he in school?- will he need home schooling?

Same as above. Also if hes already been in daycare it would be beneficial to him to continue. Moving for whatever reason will be disruptive and unsettling. I'd expect behavioural difficulties and high emotional need for at least the short term

You sound like you’ve really thought about this, your nephew is lucky to have you

I would wait and see what kind of child he is in your home and what he needs when he arrives. Do you know each other well? Has he come from a chaotic home? Will he come willingly or be upset at being away from home?

If there’s things that you know he likes like crafts, play doh, dvds etc then I’d get some things ready. Just nice calm things that you can do together or leave him to do alone if he’d prefer.

He will need to be supervised pretty much constantly but you won’t know until he’s there how much you trust him to play alone while you pop to make lunch etc. Maybe try and involve him as much as possible if he wants.

I would speak to your college tutors and explain because a 4 year old and a full time course probably won’t mix well. I’m surprised that your parents aren’t taking time off, I think it’s a little unfair to expect you to care for a child whilst doing your course.

Mumsnet is always here to help, never be afraid to ask. Good luck!

4 year olds need almost constant supervision and interaction

They don't, but I doubt you will be able to do full time online college while taking care of a child. Not your responsibility.
Why is this being left to you?

He should have some government funded childcare (assuming you are in the UK and he is from the UK). Insist that your parents arrange this. There's no way you should be jeopordising your college course for your nephew. And with tutor assessed grades you need to show up and take active parts in as many sessions as possible to give your tutor plenty of evidence that you understand all the areas.
Decide your boundaries and stick to them.
Child in childcare for a big chunk of your working week should be one of them.

Your parents should be getting a kinship care payment or similar so yes you should be appropriately paid if you’re doing the main care. But he also should be able to get some nursery or preschool sessions. If you could manage to work around that then that would maybe be nice to let him settle in a bit with you and get some other interaction too. He may enjoy playdoh and playing outdoors and perhaps if he hasn’t had the best start in life he may be a little behind for his age so perhaps like a 3 year old- so games that aren’t too tricky but are quite repetitive may be fun like building blocks or small world (train set, farm animals, dinosaurs). Baking is fun and drawing with crayons... and he might have a favourite tv programme or enjoy some Disney films.
Speak to your parents though as he really should be supported by them- as should you too.

@lunarice

I won't get into the situation but my nephew is coming to stay with my parents and I. I'm 18 and in full time online college, and my parents have full time jobs. He is 4 and I figure I will be the one taking care of him most of the time. Does anyone have any tips as to how to take care of a child? Should I be child proofing the house? I also am not sure if I should ask for a babysitting rate from my parents. They aren't taking any time off. Is there anything I should be looking out for in consideration to how developed a 4 year old should be?

I've been talking to some parents I know who say that you should pay attention to a 4 year old pretty much 100% of the time, which worries me because sometimes I am in meetings and preoccupied. He has been in day care previously but my parents are not looking to put him in one at this time. He is not in pre-school as of yet. Any help would really really be appreciated, as I am truly unfamiliar in this topic being that I am the youngest of my siblings and have only babysat nieces and nephews sparingly before this.

It is not your responsibility to manage this at all. Your parents have decided to take him in, they should be child-proofing and making plans. Are you sure they are not?

4 year olds are eligible for nursery funding (and then a school place) for a reason! It doesn't even cost anything if it's funded hours early, and if both your parents are working you should be able to get the extended nursery funding which is 30 hours. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to do college. A child of that age who has been at nursery for 6 hours every week day will probably be quite manageable, but they need that much stimulation to tire them out. It's why before covid there were so many groups to take kids that age too and why the government do nursery funding. Good luck

Hey everyone thanks for the messages, I see that I left some information out so I will be providing that now! I live in the US, Missouri specifically. My parents work from home, but they are in meetings every day and are only free after 5 or during their lunch hour. I have a meeting on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but my other classes are asynchronous. I assumed I would be in charge of child care because my parents presume that I will babysit whenever my niece comes over (she's 9). I asked to be paid once but they told me that I didn't have to babysit her and I could just lock my door if I didn't want to be around her. I really want him to have a good life, he's coming from a single-parent household. My parents have expressed to me that since they work from home it's no big deal to watch him, but what I've figured is that a 4 year old needs someone actively participating in watching instead of just existing near him. I'm really not sure what will happen but I thank all of you for your tips and will keep watching this thread

Hi, I apologize for not including this but after doing some research on the child care aid in Missouri (wish I lived in the UK!) it appears it only applies to low income households, while my parents are middle class.
I will try to post more replies soon!

What are your parents thinking of? This is madness! Taking on a 4 year old is a full time, 24/7 responsibility. Why do they expect you to sacrifice your life to a responsibility you haven’t chosen? Am I missing something here?

You need to prioritise your education. Leave the parenting to your parents. Sure chip in now and again, that's what families do, but not at the expense of your education and future.

Really? Like, really?

Sounds a bit Virginia Andrews

Covid allowing, he should be in some kind of daycare, at least part-time, before he starts kindergarten.

It's not fair to deprive him of all social engagement and expect him to be home, with carers who are occupied full time. He is 4 and he's living there. It's nothing like babysitting a 9 year old.

You sound like a caring, switched on individual. I think your parents are being unfair to assume simply being in the same house as a 4 year old is good enough - they need interaction with other people, guidance on what to do / what not to do etc - but I appreciate you don't have any control over that.

In terms of some initial practical steps you may want to take (sorry if some seem very obvious):

1. Lock any poison / cleaning stuff / medicine in a child-proof cupboard / cabinet. You can buy simple magnetic child proof locks on Amazon. (Don't assume that if it's up high they won't reach it - they'll drag chairs over and put other things on top of the chairs to try and reach what interests them.)

1. Make sure the front / back door has a lock (e.g. simple barrel bolt will be fine) that they can't reach - even if they stand on a chair. I always wondered why there was a barrel bolt right at the top of the front door of my flat...then I had a child who could suddenly reach the normal lock and I understood why the previous owner had put one in!

3.) Whenever you cook, make sure the handle is turned away from the edge of the stove / counter, so if the child comes in, they can't pull a hot pan on top of themselves. (The same goes for keeping an eye on electrical cords that may be dangling over the edge of the kitchen counter.)

4.) Talk to your parents again about childcare or even the possibility of hiring a babysitter. You cannot study full time and take care of a young child; and they will need someone to interact with them or they will risk falling behind in their development.

5.) Plan a general routine for them and try to stick to it e.g. wake up, get dressed and have breakfast at the same time each day. Go outside for some fresh air at least once a day. Have lunch at the same time every day. Get into a bedtime routine e.g. dinner, bath, stories, sleep.

6.) Look up the healthcare website / speak to a paediatrician in your area about developmental milestones - this will give you an idea of how the little one needs to be supported in terms of their general health and well being, as well as education.

7.) Don't leave the child alone in the bath.

8.) Will you / your parents be driving them anywhere? If so, you'll need a carseat or booster seat (whatever the legal requirement is in your state).

9.) Will they be bringing any of their things with them e.g. clothes / toys / books? If not, your parents will need to buy the basics. (Are they fully toilet trained? Lots of 4 year olds still wear nappies at night, even if they're toilet trained during the day time. If they need nappies at night, your parents will obviously need to buy those, as well as a waterproof sheet / mattress protector etc.)

I hope it all works out for you and your family.

If you're going to be stuck with being a substitute mother (which is not right or responsible of your parents to have done this at all) your best bet is to get to know other single mums and hopefully you can swap childcare duties with them, which gives both of you a break from full time childcare, a chance to get other things done and someone to call on in an emergency.

Does your nephew have a social worker? If he does, it might be an idea to make them aware of the situation. They might not be happy with it and prefer to place him elsewhere. Or they might be able to link you up with extra support or something like that.

If it's you doing the caring and there's any expenses to be paid they could be paid to you not your parents. It could be worse for you going into this unofficially with everyone else thinking your parents are the carers. At 18 are you legally still a child there? Because your household (which in the UK would be just you, as you're considered an adult at 18) surely is low income if you're studying and don't have a job?