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Soon to take in a 4 year old, any advice?

132 replies

lunarice · 28/01/2021 21:56

I won't get into the situation but my nephew is coming to stay with my parents and I. I'm 18 and in full time online college, and my parents have full time jobs. He is 4 and I figure I will be the one taking care of him most of the time. Does anyone have any tips as to how to take care of a child? Should I be child proofing the house? I also am not sure if I should ask for a babysitting rate from my parents. They aren't taking any time off. Is there anything I should be looking out for in consideration to how developed a 4 year old should be?

I've been talking to some parents I know who say that you should pay attention to a 4 year old pretty much 100% of the time, which worries me because sometimes I am in meetings and preoccupied. He has been in day care previously but my parents are not looking to put him in one at this time. He is not in pre-school as of yet. Any help would really really be appreciated, as I am truly unfamiliar in this topic being that I am the youngest of my siblings and have only babysat nieces and nephews sparingly before this. Confused

OP posts:
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ArosAdraDrosDolig · 29/01/2021 08:57

glasgow357 what’s having three adults in a household got to do with anything?
In the U.K., nobody would be asking the OP to move out of her home so that the child could move in. She would be assessed by children’s services as part of the household and thus would be a private fostering arrangement.

It appears that in the US children’s services or the equivalent don’t even get involved.

But what’s having three adults in a household got to do with anything?

DumplingsAndStew · 29/01/2021 09:40

Why have you referred to him as "our nephew" a few times? He's not your parents nephew, he's their grandchild. A grandchild they've apparently never met? A grandchild they are taking in but don't seem to want to care for?

This seems like such a fucked up situation.

hedgehogger1 · 29/01/2021 09:52

Is it for welfare reasons he's coming to stay? This situation sounds insane! A 4 year old is very much old enough to be massively upset to be moved to a houseful of adults he's never met and then mostly ignored. He'd be better off in social care!

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Same4Walls · 29/01/2021 10:06

@hedgehogger1

Is it for welfare reasons he's coming to stay? This situation sounds insane! A 4 year old is very much old enough to be massively upset to be moved to a houseful of adults he's never met and then mostly ignored. He'd be better off in social care!
I have to say I agree. I honestly cannot see any reason why it is better for him to go and live with people he's never met just because they are family rather then into foster care with people who will actually consider his welfare. I'm also very confused as to why anyone thinks separating him from his mum is the vest course of action. He's clearly not in any immediate danger being with her or he wouldn't still be there. Wouldn't the best situation all round be for him and his mum to come and stay whilst getting family support?
CandyLeBonBon · 29/01/2021 10:32

I feel hugely sorry for the 4 year old in this scenario- it's screaming neglect to me (not the OP, but her parents).

What decent people in their right minds would agree to take in a child with (probable) welfare issues and not take time off to care or settle that child - and worse - expect their teenage daughter to sacrifice her education.

It's a situation akin to the start of a misery memoir. I can't fathom how adults who have parented their own kids can't see how inappropriate this situation is. That poor kid.

In your shoes op I'd be contacting child services.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/01/2021 10:34

@raskolnikova

From the article mentioned above
That's chilling
evenBetter · 29/01/2021 10:40

This is appalling, OP you need to find somewhere else to live. Immediately. You cannot parent a traumatised child that you’ve never met. Your parents chose to house the child, it is solely their responsibility to figure things out. Seriously, keep out of this, move out, urgently.

Ilovemaisie · 29/01/2021 10:48

evenBetter where exactly is an 18 year old college kid meant to move to? That sounds harsh.

negomi90 · 29/01/2021 11:03

Is your dad aware that moving a four year old (with a history of being badly parented to some extent) into a house with strangers (which is what you are to the four year old), is going to require more care and attention than a normal 4 year old?
This will be a scared lashing out four year old with behaviour issues who will need far more input than you or your siblings did at 4. He's not going to be a quiet compliant non destructive four.
It won't be the same as when you were little (even though it sounds like you had more available adult input than he will).

You sound great btw, the rest of your family are going to have a shock.

Hardbackwriter · 29/01/2021 12:06

I wonder if the parents are in denial about how much harder this will be than a 'typical' time looking after a four year old because it's too painful to admit that their daughter has not done a good job of parenting? I can imagine the realisation that your child has failed your grandchild is not an easy one (though obviously that doesn't excuse the apparent blasé attitude of the OP's parents, but it might explain their insistence that it's all fine)

evenBetter · 29/01/2021 12:50

Literally anywhere. In with a friend, a hostel, a house share, college dorms, with a relative, anywhere I’d genuinely rather sleep in a car than be forced to parent a traumatised kid that’s been discarded and failed by every actual adult in this family. ‘Harsh’ is this 18yr old being failed so badly that she’s being forced to parent a child. This will have huge, life long impacts on the discarded child and the 18yr old being forced to parent him. Dreadful.

AmberItsACertainty · 29/01/2021 13:28

OP if you put off college for a while you're going to end up loving the child, being his full time carer and not wanting to neglect him to return to college. You're already half way there with your motherly nature. This isn't fair on you to put you in that position. Don't underestimate the effect all this will have on your life. You're essentially agreeing to become a single mum for the foreseeable future, to a small child you've never met and who is possibly going to have psychological issues. Is this what you want for your life? If you go into this I don't see how you can do anything other than forget college, forget working, until the child is a lot older. That's why I suggested move out so you can have boundaries around not being forced down this path in life. I know 'move out' sounds drastic, but this is a drastic situation you find yourself in.

I think your parents behaviour is pretty shitty TBH. But I'm not surprised. The level of maturity you show makes me wonder if you're one of these people who had to grow up fast, because you weren't being parented properly yourself, though that won't necessarily be obvious to you.

As others have mentioned, this isn't necessarily going to be a 'normal' 4yr old. He could have behaviour issues due to his upbringing, learning disabilities, as well as upset over the sudden change in circumstances. That he's not potty trained at his age points to all not being well, even if it is just due to parental neglect.

No I don't think he should be in a playpen. It's not appropriate or possibly big enough to contain him. But if nobody is planning on watching him what are the alternatives? Perhaps they should turn a room into a padded cell and lock him in there?! He might be old enough to know not to stick a fork into the plug socket, but has anyone taught him that? And if they have, will he stick to what he's been taught or will he do naughty things deliberately for whatever reason? You all going to just sit there in your meetings when he's eg pooing into his hand and smearing it up the wall for attention? This whole situation of an unattended child in OP's home is unrealistic. Muddling through isn't going to work.

One last thing OP. If you're old enough to be forced into being a single mum against your will, you're old enough to know the reason why your parents are doing this to you. I'd demand answers. They're not frustrated about the situation itself, I'll bet. They're frustrated because you're standing up to them and asking questions, not just meekly accepting the shit they're trying to dish out to you. Good luck with your future.

Ilovemaisie · 29/01/2021 15:13

evenBetter maybe I have different thinking but to be honest when I was 18 I would have dropped everything to take care of a little 4 year old relative if it was needed.
A person can get a college education at any age. The 4 year old is 4 now and needs care now. Really what would it achieve to have to (probably) get lots of student loans for living costs and have a poor little 4 year old not having anyone care for him.
I would assume he will be at school next September (kindergarten) so if I was 18 and in that situation I would pause college until then to look after this poor little chap.

DolphinsAndNemesis · 29/01/2021 15:19

There must be a huge backstory here. Why in the world haven't you or your parents ever met this child? What is going on with your sister? You say the boy's father isn't in the picture. Has that always been the case? Or is it a recent development?

Most of the people on MN are based in the UK, so you (or more properly your parents) may wish to seek out relevant help from US organizations for practical and legal issues. Your parents should certainly prepare themselves for the challenges of caring for a child from a traumatic background. The idea that he will just slot into family life seems deeply unrealistic. He will require so much attention and care. Therapeutic parenting techniques would be a good starting point. Resources for adoptive parents could be helpful, as your family will be facing many similar issues.

The boy may be entitled to special education and other resources through the state. Your parents should definitely look into that.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 29/01/2021 16:03

Hi OP,

I am astonished at some of the comments on here suggesting that you sacrifice a really important time in your own life to assume parental responsibility that is being foisted in you without your consent!

I know you sound and maybe feel mature but your parents are the ones who have made this decision without your say so, and it's really not fair on you. This is your time and education. This is the part of life where young adults get to learn how to be adults before they have responsibilities. If you had chosen to have a child of your own that would be totally different.

You really must not feel that you are being 'selfish' to ask questions and feel sidelined here! Your parents either haven't thought this through or they are railroading you into taking responsibility for something they have taken on. (Even for the noblest of reasons). It's their decision.

I'm not saying you shouldn't help of course, but the greatest challenge is going to be you personal boundaries. All things being ok you will love this child and feel a kinship and responsibility - which is lovely, but don't let your parents take advantage of that.

MixedUpFiles · 29/01/2021 17:24

Informal grandparent fostering is surprisingly common in the United States. Our social safety net is ridiculously inadequate. I know more than one set of grandparents raising a grandchild because of addiction. These are wealthy, educated families. Sometimes they manage to get the custodial parent to fill out the proper paperwork, sometimes they don’t. The child is definitely better off with committed family members than in our foster care system. Read a few articles about US foster care and you will start to understand why dropping a 4yo off with the grandparents doesn’t seem so scary.

Now this scenario described, the grandparents clearly don’t know what they are getting into. Hopefully they will step up to the challenge and give this child the stable loving home he needs.

lunarice · 29/01/2021 19:02

Hi! Wow, I'm not really sure where to begin, I went to bed last night and ate breakfast and all before I thought to check the thread. So. I will try to address all of the questions I see in one post instead of quoting each one and filling the whole thread with my own posts haha.
First off: my parents told me they are being given power of attorney. I'm not exactly a lawyer so I don't know all the details, but it doesn't seem illegal to me (whether it's all moral idk). And I want to clarify that we aren't "taking" the child per se, but she is sending him to us. As far as I know, she's saying that she can't raise the children right now (she also sent her daughter to the daughter's father). My nephew's father was never in the picture for the simple fact that there is no way to know who he is. It's a very sensitive situation that in the past I've just tried to leave well alone, but now I feel a need to know being that the child is coming here. So he has no father to be sent off to, basically.
Sorry for saying "our" continuously, my parents keep phrasing everything as something "we" are doing together so I was a bit in that mind space. He is my nephew, my three sisters' nephew, my one sister's son, and my parents' grandson. Technically she is my half sister, so I guess he is my dad's grandson? It's all kind of confusing me.
Everything I have ever read about the foster care system was terrible. I'm sure it's not always the same but I don't want to gamble the kid into it. And besides, it's not like I get a say, my parents didn't even ask me about taking in the kid. They just announced it to me out of nowhere.
I would really rather not put off college. I've been prioritizing my future over personal life and etc for a long time and I just want to complete my degree.
I agree that my parents are being ridiculous, but I have no way of getting it through to them. It's like they figure he will take it well and settle into this easily when they haven't even explained to him that he's moving here, they keep just telling him he's visiting. And then they turn around to me and say oh we don't know how long, (my sister) hasn't said, we should prepare for months. What's she going to do in a few months to make herself a proper mother that she hasn't done in the past decade? I have no idea what anyone's thinking, and I'm just really worried about all of it. So I'm just trying to do what I see as "under my control" - explain to my professors, stay in college, just try to put in effort into raising the kid, and ask my other sisters to support me in confronting my parents about it.
Thanks for all the comments, I read all of them. And it's really no big deal to me if some people don't believe me, if it's easier to just approach it as a creative writing exercise then go right ahead. I'd just like input of what I can say to my parents and what I can do.
P.S. I'm not going to call CPS on my own parents lol it would cause so many problems, please research how that all works in the United States, it's a mess

OP posts:
Ilovemaisie · 29/01/2021 19:11

You mentioned one of your other sisters has children. Could she not help look after him? If she has her own children at least her house is set up for a child (the correct equipment, toys etc). Your parents could still have the legal side on them (health insurance etc) but he is with your sister in more family setting that he would be used to - especially as we now hear he has a half sibling he is being separated from.

lunarice · 29/01/2021 19:25

@Ilovemaisie

You mentioned one of your other sisters has children. Could she not help look after him? If she has her own children at least her house is set up for a child (the correct equipment, toys etc). Your parents could still have the legal side on them (health insurance etc) but he is with your sister in more family setting that he would be used to - especially as we now hear he has a half sibling he is being separated from.
Oh sorry I wasn't clear. I have four sisters, two of them are half sisters. The only one who has children is the one sending her son to us. He is indeed separated from his half sibling, she is 9 and lives about an hour away from where I am now with her father.
OP posts:
AmberItsACertainty · 29/01/2021 19:46

Ok, so firstly nobody's having a go at you, people are concerned for you, as well as concerned for the 4yr old.

Second, you do have a say.

Frankly, you seem scared of your parents, of going against them, even to the point you won't insist on answers to a situation that affects you, when you have reasonable questions about what's going on.

But if you're legally an adult then you do have a say. You don't have to accept a situation that someone else chooses for you. Yes there could be negative consequences to standing up to someone, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. You have the right to choose what to do with your life, both in the bigger picture of your life's path and the smaller details like confronting people and holding them to account for their actions. Please don't ever feel you have no choice. And recognise that if someone is trying to prevent you exercising your right to choose, that's a bad thing they're doing.

It's good if you can get your sisters involved with this situation, to help in practical ways and as support for you. As for what exactly to say to your parents, maybe they can help with that as they know them better than people on here.

Although, in order to successfully negotiate, you need to have decided what you're negotiating for. Which means you need to decide exactly what you want in this situation. What do you need for your continued studies to be a success and pass the exams etc? What are you willing and able to give to this situation with your nephew? Maybe you could take the role of researching what he needs and informing the others, as you seem to be good at thinking through problems? Maybe there's specific times you'd be available to care for him?

Lastly, it's worth mentioning that you don't have boundaries by asking or expecting other people to 'give' them to you. They can't give you what's already yours. You don't negotiate to be 'allowed' boundaries. You don't need anybody's permission. You have boundaries simply by having them.

This means standing firm and refusing to be manipulated into deviations from your chosen path. It's not the same as being stubborn. You can hear someone's point of view, consider it and maybe decide to change something in your life. Or you can say No that doesn't work for me, it's not acceptable to me, I can't or won't do it. Both are equally valid courses of action. Regardless of how much the other person wants you to do something.

It's not compulsory to give reasons either. Your boundaries don't have to be justified to anyone else, they don't have to be acceptable to anyone else. Other people can feel however they feel about your boundaries, those are their emotions which they're entitled to have. Their emotions are not your responsibility to 'fix', to sort out. You don't have to dismantle your boundaries because someone else is upset about you having them.

This is all stuff to bear in mind when discussing things with your parents.

lunarice · 29/01/2021 20:15

@AmberItsACertainty Thank you sincerely. This is all stuff I really needed to hear... I'll inform my parents of my boundaries.

OP posts:
Ilovemaisie · 29/01/2021 20:22

Even though he isn't a blood relative would the father of the 9 year old be able to help in anyway? I'm just throwing ideas out there.

peapotter · 29/01/2021 20:54

OP you sound very kind. But please take care of yourself too, it will be better for everyone in the long run.

Can I suggest you keep a log of how many hours of college work you do in the next few weeks. Then do the same when your nephew is living with you all. It will help with understanding what is happening, and also discussing boundaries with your parents.

You may find you can spend some day time walking and playing with the child and working in the evenings. But you have to make sure you keep a log of how it is going so you have the facts and not just exhausted emotions.

LadyFuschia · 29/01/2021 21:23

Adding to previous comments that you are likely to get a child who has experienced a more unsettled and perhaps less secure childhood than most. Traditional methods need to be adapted for parenting in a more therapeutic way. Reward charts can appear to be a message that acceptance is conditional on good behaviour, for example, because he doesn’t trust you yet.

If you have any brain space & time to research them take a look into Therapeutic Parenting, Attachment & child development, and consider that in some way he may have experienced trauma: even just if his mother has not been able to meet his needs, that is still traumatic to the developing brain.

Another thing that jumps out at me is his sister... at those ages many older siblings take on a parenting role in homes where parents aren’t coping, and he might really miss her as we’ll as your sister.

When you pick him up try to bring his special things. The bed sheets & covers, unwashed, so he gets into bed at your house & it smells familiar. Find out what routines he is used to, what things are important to him.

I work with children in foster care so that’s from my experience.

And yes to boundaries. I hope your parents begin to see him as a real little person with needs as soon as he arrives, and maybe adapt their approach!! You sound amazing and best of luck with all you do.

MasterBruceBalloon · 29/01/2021 21:46

I feel hugely sorry for this child and to be honest I think you should honestly seek professional help. This child shouldn't be a project for you guys to work on together, however well meaning you are. He deserves to be properly cared for and that's not something you can just figure out overnight.

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