Soon to take in a 4 year old, any advice?

[lunarice]

I won't get into the situation but my nephew is coming to stay with my parents and I. I'm 18 and in full time online college, and my parents have full time jobs. He is 4 and I figure I will be the one taking care of him most of the time. Does anyone have any tips as to how to take care of a child? Should I be child proofing the house? I also am not sure if I should ask for a babysitting rate from my parents. They aren't taking any time off. Is there anything I should be looking out for in consideration to how developed a 4 year old should be?

I've been talking to some parents I know who say that you should pay attention to a 4 year old pretty much 100% of the time, which worries me because sometimes I am in meetings and preoccupied. He has been in day care previously but my parents are not looking to put him in one at this time. He is not in pre-school as of yet. Any help would really really be appreciated, as I am truly unfamiliar in this topic being that I am the youngest of my siblings and have only babysat nieces and nephews sparingly before this.

Hi everyone, just got back! So my parents and I went shopping and got bedsheets and some food. I have asked about getting stuff like outlet covers, so when we go to the store tomorrow I will add child locks, a booster seat, and a barrel bolt to the list (thank you for those suggestions!) And to add: we have not met him physically. I think my father may have driven down once before when the son had just been born, but otherwise they live over 10 hours away so none of us have gone down. We've FaceTimed with him and his mother (my sister) but of course that is very different.
Also it's okay if it seems obvious! I don't have experience.
And I will be honest. I agree with the comments saying they don't understand why the cookie is crumbling this way. Whenever I approach my parents about it they get frustrated. On the way back I tried to broach putting him in a daycare, and they both said absolutely not, and that they couldn't afford it. In addition they are both definitely not taking time off. My sister (not the mother of the child, another sister) asked my dad if he would pay me but he dodged the question and said everyone would pitch in and he would come up with "a plan." Soo. Idk.
I've explained to the professor of the course that meets the situation and he said he would be accommodating. I don't plan to drop out of college at all, I really care about my future, trust me!! I'm just not sure of what else I can do. Whenever I try to set boundaries my parents just say they'll watch him while they work. Which I don't think is fair to the kid.
I think we will be buying him a plastic sheet just in case tomorrow as well. He is going to be moving into the room next to mine (my parents are on the first floor, I'm on the second). I don't think he's used to stairs as his home is (I believe) one floor. I feel like I'm driving myself crazy worrying about this.. When I tried to talk to my parents about child proofing and child care etc. they just say it's not like he's a baby. But in my opinion 4 years old is very young, it's not like he knows not to stick a fork in a socket. At that age I just don't think they have the best grasp on what to do and what not to do, and they need a present adult.
I'm going to try approaching them again, telling them that we are all full time even if we're at home, and that if I'm taking care of him I can't do it constantly. Thanks to everyone for your messages, I'll come back and check this thread every once in a while. I'm sorry about my vagueness, but I'd rather not have my parents know I'm asking a forum, lol. In addition to that I don't fully understand the situation with the mother/my sister other than that she has to send him to us.

@Purplewithred

What are your parents thinking of? This is madness! Taking on a 4 year old is a full time, 24/7 responsibility. Why do they expect you to sacrifice your life to a responsibility you haven’t chosen? Am I missing something here?

In a way it's sort of not surprising. We don't know why the nephew is moving in, but if he's been removed from his parents for welfare reasons, then sometimes people who are bad parents have had bad parents themselves. And the OP's parents aren't exactly covering themselves in glory with their plans.

I think you need to sit down and talk with your parents about this - unless they have a history of neglectful behaviour, and assuming they raised you from birth, I think it's unlikely that they have just assumed that their teenager will be a full-time carer to this child, or that they will be able to work entirely uninterrupted with a four year old. I think they may be very surprised to realise that this is what you think will happen.

@AmberItsACertainty

If you're going to be stuck with being a substitute mother (which is not right or responsible of your parents to have done this at all) your best bet is to get to know other single mums and hopefully you can swap childcare duties with them, which gives both of you a break from full time childcare, a chance to get other things done and someone to call on in an emergency.

Does your nephew have a social worker? If he does, it might be an idea to make them aware of the situation. They might not be happy with it and prefer to place him elsewhere. Or they might be able to link you up with extra support or something like that.

If it's you doing the caring and there's any expenses to be paid they could be paid to you not your parents. It could be worse for you going into this unofficially with everyone else thinking your parents are the carers. At 18 are you legally still a child there? Because your household (which in the UK would be just you, as you're considered an adult at 18) surely is low income if you're studying and don't have a job?

Hi! I am legally an adult in Missouri, US (where I am). However I believe I am a dependent of my parents (as well as living with them) sorry that that wasn't clear. Therefore we all count as one household that is middle class. I don't think he has a social worker but I'm not sure how to get ahold of that information. Thank you for your message!

Do your local schools not have Pre-k classes which if I have it right is for 4 -5 year olds? If it's part of the school system would your parents have to pay? No one pays for Kindergarten do they even though in many states it's not actually compulsory? (Apologies if I am wrong). If he could attend Pre-K it would probably be good for him and you (so you can do your college work).

OP I think as a minimum you're going to need a playpen. And perhaps consider moving out, a house share with friends would do. It might be that your parents aren't the kind of people to respect others boundaries. It's much easier to have boundaries when you can say no and hang up, or shut your own front door.

@Hardbackwriter

I think you need to sit down and talk with your parents about this - unless they have a history of neglectful behaviour, and assuming they raised you from birth, I think it's unlikely that they have just assumed that their teenager will be a full-time carer to this child, or that they will be able to work entirely uninterrupted with a four year old. I think they may be very surprised to realise that this is what you think will happen.

Hi, yeah I've been thinking about that a lot. They definitely raised me and my sisters. I'm not sure what they're thinking - my mom stopped working to raise us, but both of them are still working (from home) the same jobs and not taking any time off. In addition they explained that they couldn't afford extra care like a nanny or sending him to a day care. So I really don't know what to say to them other than it will be really difficult to care for him while working. They just keep saying they will figure it out.

This is going to be really hard for your nephew, a whole new environment as well as people he has never met.

He is going to need a lot of love and attention.

How much do you know about his current life? Simple things like giving him familiar food and letting him watch what he knows on TV will make a huge difference.

Will he be living with you long term?

I don't think a playpen is appropriate for a 4 year old. He would be able to just climb out.

OP I think as a minimum you're going to need a playpen.

For a four year old?!

I think you need to let them figure it out, OP - it will be very hard and perhaps impossible for them to continue to work, so let them realise that. You don't need to set yourself up as his substitute parent and I'm not sure it really sounds like they do expect you to, just more that you think they don't have any other realistic plan? Let them make one when they realise they need it.

I would get special covers for the bed to help with potential bedwetting - why they think they can take a child they do not know and just add him to the family and basically neglect him while they work - they need to watch a bit of super Nanny to be fair. He will be upset at all the changes, will likely act out behaviour wise and need plenty of reassurance to adapt to his new normal. Their plan seems to be you will sort it all

And also putting a 4 year old that has just moved into a strange home in a playpen would just be cruel because he will wonder what on earth he has done wrong.

What is going on here? Absolutely none of this is coming across as right or appropriate.

Your parents have agreed to "take in" a 4 year old, but they have neither thought about childcare or even taken time off from work to help the child adjust. As a result, their 18 year old daughter is assuming responsibility for a 4 year old?!

Either this thread is categorically not true or your parents are really awful people with histories of abuse and neglect... so which one is it?

Hi so I spoke to my dad again trying to bring him these concerns. He is saying for sure:

• Not hiring anyone (nanny or babysitter)
• Not taking him to daycare
• Not putting him in school this semester, but next semester if he's still here

I emphasized to him that if I'm full time, he's full time, Mom's full time, then who is raising the kid? But he just says we will "all chip in" and that I'm just worried about myself, and not the child's development. So now I feel kind of crappy. I know the kid isn't getting good care right now, and that we're a better place for him. It just sounds like they're not acknowledging the situation - they work 8 am (sometimes earlier) to 5 pm (sometimes later) Monday through Friday. In fact if his mom still isn't ready to take him back and we're keeping him into the summer, their company is projecting for the workers to come back in June. So then they won't even be working from home. It's just the simple facts of it all but I can't get through to them without them acting like I'm being selfish. I'm really just not sure of what other way there is to this, other than that it's falling to me.

Can I just say that all the questions you are asking your parents should be asking!
4 year olds need a lot of attention and time anyway throw into the mix that he will be in a strange setting with people he doesn't know very well and will probably be terrified!

Your parents (not really you as its your parents who have agreed to have him) need to be patient, loving and kind. Take it at his pace and not force him into activities etc.

A good ideas website for activities is parent club (it's a Scottish website but due to lock down has loads of activities from home) and also has information on different child's development at ages.
But again this is for your parents to do not you! Yes you want to help but your not free childcare whilst they work. At the very least they need to take a few days off to help him settle. It's going to be a very upsetting time for him initially.

@StormcloakNord

What is going on here? Absolutely none of this is coming across as right or appropriate.

Your parents have agreed to "take in" a 4 year old, but they have neither thought about childcare or even taken time off from work to help the child adjust. As a result, their 18 year old daughter is assuming responsibility for a 4 year old?!

Either this thread is categorically not true or your parents are really awful people with histories of abuse and neglect... so which one is it?

I'm not sure what else there is to say. My dad says that since he's our nephew and his dad isn't in the picture and there's stuff going on with my sister/the child's mother, he has to come stay here. I keep pressuring them to take time off but they're not listening. I don't think they're awful people, because they raised me and my sisters, but it's like they just forgot how it is to raise children. They're in their mid-to-late fifties by the way. I really wish it wasn't true. This is a serious curve ball and it's all stressing me out.

gosh OP i wish you all the very best.
i don't mean to be rude, but your family sounds a bit barmy.
you at 18 are expressing a maturity of a 30 year old.
whereas your parents are acting like immature children, taking home a doll to practice on. it will be ok. he's not a baby... we can continue f/t work at the same time....
and they seem to be regarding the child as if he is at least 10, not 4, who is leaving his mother, going to a completely different area, different weather, different type of house, lifestyle, stairs, and with complete strangers.
good luck to you.
by the way re plastic sheet, that is not the best. as the moisture is then held against the skin which can cause damage. also it is obvious to the child and may affect his sense of self adversely.
you can buy mattress protectors which are v absorbant and can be washed at high temperature. also you can get disposable bed/seat pads to place strategically in the bed. and puppy training pads are cheaper, a bit thinner, can be used. also there are night-time pull-up nappy pants. these are v useful, and give reassurance. they come in age sizes.
i would expect such a small child to wet the bed, even if he has previously not done so, at such upheaval.
i really admire your attitude, OP; less so your parents.
what are you studying. all the best with it.

Oh and I don't think I will get a playpen. Maybe those gates they make for kids to keep him out of the basement. Thanks for the suggestion regardless.
I'm worried I'm setting myself up to take some kind of onus that isn't there, but each time I try to approach my parents about it they just say we will all chip in, we will all do our best etcetera. In addition they've told the kid that he's visiting. When actually his mom's giving them temporary power of attorney, and it looks everyone's planning for an indefinite amount of time. Won't he realize that he's not going back home, after a while?? It just seems like everyone's just letting this all side and I don't know why.

But why don't your parents care about your education? What is this poor child going to do when you're in the middle of a class & everyone else is busy in meetings with work?

Is there no kind of social service system in America? This just wouldn't fly here?!

What is wrong with your parents?! Ahh this is crazy!!

@alexdgr8

gosh OP i wish you all the very best. i don't mean to be rude, but your family sounds a bit barmy. you at 18 are expressing a maturity of a 30 year old. whereas your parents are acting like immature children, taking home a doll to practice on. it will be ok. he's not a baby... we can continue f/t work at the same time.... and they seem to be regarding the child as if he is at least 10, not 4, who is leaving his mother, going to a completely different area, different weather, different type of house, lifestyle, stairs, and with complete strangers. good luck to you. by the way re plastic sheet, that is not the best. as the moisture is then held against the skin which can cause damage. also it is obvious to the child and may affect his sense of self adversely. you can buy mattress protectors which are v absorbant and can be washed at high temperature. also you can get disposable bed/seat pads to place strategically in the bed. and puppy training pads are cheaper, a bit thinner, can be used. also there are night-time pull-up nappy pants. these are v useful, and give reassurance. they come in age sizes. i would expect such a small child to wet the bed, even if he has previously not done so, at such upheaval. i really admire your attitude, OP; less so your parents. what are you studying. all the best with it.

Thanks for the tip and the kind words. I was worried he might notice the plastic sheet; I'll look for mattress protectors instead. His mother was explaining to us that he isn't fully potty trained (?) and has difficulty cleaning up. And I remember bedwetting as a child when I was stressed - I can't imagine having to travel all the way somewhere else with strangers. I really am worried about the kid, even if my dad thinks I'm just worried about my personal life or whatever. I don't want this year to be a blight on his childhood.

@StormcloakNord

But why don't your parents care about your education? What is this poor child going to do when you're in the middle of a class & everyone else is busy in meetings with work?

Is there no kind of social service system in America? This just wouldn't fly here?!

What is wrong with your parents?! Ahh this is crazy!!

Eh the social service system is more... I'm not sure to explain. The only other real option (in a social service sense) would be to put him in to the foster care system, which here is seen as a last resort. It's a really.. corrupt and rough around the edges system, so I understand why he would go to relatives first. In addition, my mother spent a lot of her childhood moved to an aunt's, so maybe she thinks this is normal on her side. And my father probably just thinks it will work out. I don't know, I think his parents were a bit neglectful (he doesn't like talking about it). So I assume they just think this is normal and that I'm being crazy. I don't know what to do :(

I realise it really should be your parents responsibility to take care of him but can you take a break from your college work for a while (take a 'semester' out). It's terrible that you would have to do that but I am just thinking of a poor frightened little boy who is going to need lots of love and affection and you seem the only one who wants to do this. If he ends up staying long term I would assume he would start school next September (kindergarten?) so you could return to your college work then. Very unfair for you to have to do that but if your parents aren't going to take time away from their work then this could be a temporary solution.

I’m really sorry this is being placed on your shoulders. You sound amazing and your nephew is lucky to have you. I bet he will grow to love you (maybe after some acting out due to the upheaval).

Could you suggest a rota system?

Nephew is awake for say 12 hours a day, there are 3 of you, so everyone needs to take a 4 hour shift each day of looking after him. Which shift you each take can be rotated to be fair. Also allocate jobs like cooking his food, laundry, changing his bed.

Your parents would need to ask their workplaces to be flexible around when their work gets done, and you likewise with your study, if possible.

Or if 4 hour shifts don’t work for you and parents, then some other kind of rota. But the key is to have it agreed in advance and fairly divided, rather than your dad’s muddling through approach, which will end up as you doing it all.

Do you have any toys? Kids’ books?

A few us centric things, op, please correct me if these don’t apply in your situation.

Online college in the us is more like university in the uk. There will be classes at set times, but op has a lot of flexibility as to when she studies. She isn’t in school from 8-4 or something like that. More like a math class M w f at 2pm, a psychology t/r at 11.

There is absolutely no funding for education or child care before age 5 for families not living in poverty. We have to pay for everything ourselves. The absolute cheapest child care that might be available would be around $100 a week. Quality group child care costs infinitely more.

Most middle class children do have two years of preschool before they enter kindergarten. This is sometimes combined with full-time child care, but it is also offered as a part-time education only program. There are lots of options, including church based preschools which are heavily subsidized. Some of those near me are as cheap as $80 a week for 3 mornings a week. We chose not to use a church preschool because of the proselytizing, but it might be an option for OPs family.

What you need to get ready

He needs a comfy place to sleep
A few toys, since you don’t know what kind he likes, just get a few and then acquire more later.
Depending on his size he may still need to be on a 5 point harness car seat or he might be ready to graduate to a high backed booster.

You need locks on cabinets with anything poisonous, dangerous, or that you would be devastated if it got broken.
Put away anything that would be devastating to be broken.
If there are guns in the house, secure them properly.

Make sure you have a card to your nearest library and check out an assortment of books. Ours is just having us pick up holds right now, otherwise I would say have him to and pick out what he wants.

He is going to need an enormous amount of attention and love. He is going to misbehave. He is going to test boundaries. Your household is going to have to show him that no matter what he does, he is loved and safe and cared for. Have him help set the table and praise him for getting the spoons to the table even when he puts them in the wrong spot. Show him how to help you match the socks and with the laundry. Read him tons of stories. Make forts in the living room. Give him bubbles to blow in the bathtub.